Dear Etiquetteer:
A relative of mine died recently, quite unexpectedly, and I’ll be sending a sympathy card to his widow. My challenge is that this cousin was never nice to me, ever. Do I just stick with “I’m so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers?”
Dear Condoling:
You already know that you have to be nice about this and not mention how the deceased treated you in your condolence. So how convenient that condolence notes can be brief. But your query gives Etiquetteer another chance to share that the most important purpose of a condolence is to express support for the survivors. Since you don’t have anything good to say about the deceased, say nothing about him. Focus instead on the feelings of who you’re writing to and your support for them. “I know this must be an emotional and difficult time and I feel for what you’re going through” doesn’t even allude to your own experience with the deceased.
Euphemism can be deliciously tempting at times, but be careful. “Uncle Savage was a remarkably vital personality who left his mark on everyone he knew” can be read two ways, but it’s dangerous to assume that the recipient will only see the kinder interpretation. Best for you to resist the temptation.
Finally, the phrase “thoughts and prayers” has become so openly mocked* as insincere that Etiquetteer thinks it best to find another way to say it. “We are praying for you and your family at this difficult time” or “Sending healing thoughts to all of you” communicate it unambiguously.
Etiquetteer wrote extensively about condolence correspondence in Volume 16, which offers more suggestions on sending, and responding to, condolences.
*The “Thoughts and Prayers App” video is just one example, and it’s from as long ago as 2016.