Almost as soon as Sunday’s column on post-pandemic parties appeared, a letter appeared in Etiquetteer’s inbox:
Dear Etiquetteer:
As always, many thanks for your perfectly proper suggestions regarding almost post-COVID social gatherings. Yesterday, my spouse and I went to a small social gathering. It was going to be outside but because it was so hot, it moved inside. It was at another couples' home. I was very uncomfortable even being outside (let alone inside) with their 14-month-old child because the child had a cold. The child would not stay away from me and I tried to be polite about it but it made me extremely uncomfortable and concerned. All four adults are vaccinated, but needless to say, the child is not. They had the child tested for COVID in the morning, and the test was negative.
I thought they would be more sensitive to the situation and reschedule. To be fair, they did offer to do that but my spouse has the Disease to Please and did not take them up on that.
Other than refuse to go and cause marital strife, I didn't know what to do. I really thought that everyone would be more sensitive about things like this now. I thought that there would be a new approach and people would no longer say "it's just a cold". And honestly, I don't completely trust COVID tests, especially rapid tests, such as the one used yesterday; they received results in about three hours.
I eagerly await your thoughts and advice.
Dear Uneasy Guest:
Etiquetteer can’t remember who first observed that children and pets always seem magnetically attracted to adults who want to avoid them most, but that. In ordinary times, a guest must endure these ministrations with Patience and Resignation, and sometimes a lint remover. (Allergies are an acceptable, and all too real, excuse.) But we haven’t quite gotten back to ordinary times yet, which is why you were so uncomfortable with a Sniffly Baby Who Only Wants Your Love.
First, for those of us who have suffered major COVID anxiety, Etiquetteer acknowledges how difficult it feels to be in post-quarantine situations. But Science is on our side: the CDC guidelines for fully vaccinated persons allow those of us who are fully vaccinated to attend parties in private homes without masks or social distancing. Yes, it’s an adjustment, and yes, there are other concerns out there (e.g. the Delta variant). But there are also many reasons for us to have hope, too.
You could have done two things, both Perfectly Proper: leave — more on that in a moment — or put on a face mask. We really do have to get to a place where there’s no embarrassment about continuing to wear a mask, and no joshing or shaming of those who do. Masks are effective at preventing the spread of the coronavirus, and could have improved your comfort level.
But you could also have left, taking responsibility for your discomfort by acknowledging the efforts of your friends and apologizing. True friends, though they may be disappointed, will understand and support you. And so should your spouse, though Etiquetteer also sympathizes with him/her. Of course there is discomfort at rescheduling a party on the day when all of us just want to get back to normal and have a good time! It’s quite natural for your spouse to want to move forward with the plans, especially since it seems you all were the only guests. But he/she should have consulted you about this, and both of you should have made a decision together. That decision could also have been for him/her to go to the party alone — also Perfectly Proper, but certainly not as typical as it used to be. Didn’t one of Oscar Wilde’s characters intimate that he/she never invited husbands and wives together?
As the post-pandemic transition continues, Etiquetteer wishes you greater comfort in socializing and continuing supportive communication with those involved. Along with caution, flexibility and understanding are still required of all of us.