Dear Etiquetteer:
Recently two teenage girls stood outside my autistic son’s window making fun of the catchy phases my son says uncontrollably at the window and the noises his older brother (also autistic) makes. My son began to cry. The teens spit bubble gum at the base of his window. We don’t know these neighbors beyond saying “Hi.”
My reaction is to let it go, as my sons can be quite loud. I feel peace in the neighborhood is important. If this behavior continues, however, I’m not sure how to handle it. My gut says to ignore it, and reassure my son that the girls are in the wrong, and are not worth crying over. In public, if I see kids staring or making fun of the uncontrollable noises they make, I will say in a kindly manner that my sons have autism, and explain their behaviors. This usually brings a quick end to the staring and making fun at my sons’ expense.
Do you have any suggestions on handling hurtful behavior by kids or teens? Children can be cruel. Nothing hurts worse than having your child disrespected.
Dear Harrassed:
Peace in the neighborhood is important, but it’s already gone. Your teenage neighbors have stolen it with their cruel behavior. The path back to restored peace will involve conversation.
Like you, Etiquetteer dislikes confrontation. But situations like this don’t get corrected without communication. You (and/or your spouse) need to “screw your courage to the sticking place*” and speak, calmly, with these teenage neighbors (and perhaps their parents). It is necessary to advocate for the safety and well-being of your children, and it’s important for them to know that you are.
People, especially teens, bully what they don’t understand. This means that education is the path away from it. What you say you’re doing out in public — explaining what’s happening and why — also applies to this domestic situation. Open a window — or step outside if you don’t feel your own physical safety is compromised — and tell these teens (as calmly as you’re able) what autism is and why your sons behave as they do. Explain that their own behavior, whether they really intend it or not, is hurtful and doesn’t help make a happy neighborhood.
Most of the information available online has to do with school environments, and while that doesn’t exactly correlate to your situation, it can be helpful. The Top Ten Bullying Facts from Autism Speaks provides good information, and so does their page on Seven Steps to Take a Stand Against Bullying.
Let’s hope those mean girls don’t come back. But if they do, Etiquetteer wishes you calm and courage, and a successful outcome.
*Macbeth, Act I, scene vii.