Faith! He must make his stories shorter//Or change his comrades once a quarter. — Jonathan Swift
Recently Etiquetteer saw a complaint on social media from someone beset with a "bugaboo creeper." Etiquetteer was unfamilar; was it a sort of plant? Apparently it is, a sort of Social Kudzu that overpowers everything*. In short, it's a Bore at a party who will pursue you from room to room, talking ceaselessly, oblivious to attempts to shake him or her off. Since many of us expect to return to an in-person social life over the summer (depending on individual levels of comfort before, during, or after vaccination), it might be helpful to review how to detach a Bore, and how to avoid being a Bore.
Bores are people, too, and just as much entitled to compassion as the rest of us. Their compulsion to talk, more often than not, is caused by social anxiety, of wanting to be at the party without really knowing how to be at the party. There's this idea that if you're at a cocktail party or other large gathering you simply must be seen in animated conversation in a throng. Detached observers are sadly underrated.
Wanting to be in the thick of things, perhaps nervous about not knowing anyone besides the hosts, Bores bore in and bore on. This can feel very taxing when they persist in not picking up on social cues.
Detaching a Bore takes finesse. One doesn't want to be rude**, but one also wants to experience more of the party. The classic maneuver is to create an excuse to go elsewhere. "Oh dear, won't you excuse me? I need to [Insert Your Choice Here]: a) see Nick and Nora before they go, b) get some hors d'oeuvres, c) make the rounds, d) avoid an old beau." Some phrases that should be unmistakable farewells include "Nice to see you," "Enjoy the rest of the party!" "I'm so glad we got to talk," or "Thank you and good night." Probably the most extreme would be "I'm so sorry, my brain is full."
Etiquetteer has sometimes used the line "Oh, there's too much air in my glass, excuse me"*** before heading to the bar for refills. This is a kinder version of what Quintus does to poor Catherine Sloper in The Heiress, ditching her in the summer house with a promise to return with claret cup, but always intending to desert her. Not really Perfectly Proper. In fact, it's kind of mean. If you say you’re fetching a drink for someone, fetch it.
Retreating to the bathroom is risky because there's only one exit, and it's entirely possible your Bore could be waiting patiently for you to emerge.
So, if you’re realizing that someone’s ready to leave you, how should you react? First, it really must be understood, pursuit is not Perfectly Proper. If someone has said that they need to move along (see above), it's a sign that your conversation has ended, even if your story has not. You may do one of two things: remain where you are, or invent your own party errand in the opposite direction. Following the other person, or deciding to move off in the same direction, indicates unawareness. Etiquetteer really favors making a casual circuit of the gathering; that’s how new conversations start.
You should acknowledge the end of your chat with a brief reply, something like "Enjoy!" or "Have fun" or "So glad we could talk." "I'll tell you the rest some other time" might sound like a threat; Etiquetteer knows that’s not what you mean. Don't imply that you've been a Bore.
Etiquette is situational awareness. Be aware of whether or not you're losing your audience. If you think you are, throw them the conversational ball by asking a question. And then who knows, maybe then you'll be the one finding too much air in your glass . . .
Etiquetteer wishes you joy and Perfect Propriety at as many summer parties are you feel safe attending.
*The only proven antidote to kudzu, to Etiquetteer's knowledge, is goats. And that's worth meditating on . . .
**One shouldn't want to be rude . . .
***From Alfred Hitchcock's Rope.