During the pandemic the local cemetery has become Etiquetteer’s refuge from the world; nothing is bothering the permanent residents, so why should anything bother the living? It has led Etiquetteer to consider what makes a Perfectly Proper epitaph. An epitaph is officially defined as anything inscribed on a grave, but let’s look beyond the basics of names, dates, and locations.
A Perfectly Proper epitaph should be brief, concise, and capture the essence of the deceased’s legacy. Obviously “Rest in Peace” is the classic. “Rest in Power” has become fashionable in the last few years. Then there’s family position: Father, Mother, Husband, Wife, Brother, Sister, etc. Often kind adjectives are thrown in, like Loving, Kind, Devoted, Beloved, Dutiful, as the deceased merited and the family could afford. Etiquetteer loved finding the grave of a husband and wife on which the man merited no special words, but the wife’s name was preceded by “His wife, the Incomparable Lady.” What could be more Perfectly Proper? And what could be more poignant than “My Dear Mother Left Me With Precious Memories?”
The story of Consuelo Vanderbilt is instructive. She was famous for many reasons: as a beauty, as the daughter of her dominant mother Alva, as the wife and ex-wife of the Duke of Marlborough, as a loving and charitable Duchess, and as the wife of her second husband Jacques Balsan. Of all possible epitaphs, she chose not to be identified as her mother’s daughter or the wife of a husband, but as “Mother of the Tenth Duke of Marlborough,” and to be buried at a country church with her second son not far from Blenheim, the family seat.*
Job titles are often added: Inventor, Businessman, Artist, Poet, etc. And sometimes career goals. One read “His Lifework the Elevation of Mankind.” Lysander Spooner’s (1808-1887) epitaph includes “Champion of Liberty” along with all his occupations: “Lawyer, Abolitionist, Entrepreneur, Legal Theorist, & Scholar.” A Civil War soldier who fought for the Union is buried with the epitaph “Loyal and True to Country and his God.” “A Friend of Organized Labor” stands out on another headstone, along with a carving of two clasped hands. It also includes the name of the labor union that paid for the headstone, a reminder that a tombstone’s legacy isn’t always only that of the deceased.
The Bible and other religious texts yield many possible epitaphs. Etiquetteer was struck last year with one headstone that read “His servants shall serve him and they shall see his face.” This turns out to be Revelation 22:4, and could take on sinister connotations depending on who the deceased was serving in life. Others Etiquetteer has noticed:
“They rest from their labors.” Revelation 14:13
“I shall be satisfied.” Psalms 17:15
“He giveth his beloved sleep.” Psalms 127:2
“Until the day break and the shadows flee away.” Song of Solomon 2:17
“An excellent spirit was in him.” Daniel 6:3**
Popular choices from the Bible may be found here.
A favorite epitaph from William Shakespeare is the quotation from Antony and Cleopatra selected for the Marchesa Luisa Casati by her granddaughter, Lady Moorea Black: “Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety.” Considering the Marchesa’s monumentally bizarre clothes, tastes, and parties, nothing could have been more Perfectly Proper.
Popular culture also yields meaningful last words. Etiquetteer loves the married couple buried together under the epitaph “For Me and My Gal,” referring to the song made popular by Gene Kelly and Judy Garland. But Etiquetteer has mixed feelings about Dorothy Parker’s famous choice, “Excuse My Dust.”***
These are all worth thinking about as you consider your own epitaph. You may wish to leave that to your descendants . . . but they may think you deserve less than you think you do. There are many ways to intepret “I Did It My Way” . . . Etiquetteer wishes you profitable speculation as you consider your own last words.
*Read all about it in Consuelo and Alva Vanderbilt, by Amanda Mackenzie Stuart. For this reason Etiquetteer could not possibly be buried with the family; the only possible epitaph then would be “The Prodigal Son Returneth.”
**Irreverently, Etiquetteer always considers this at 5:00 PM, the traditional start of the cocktail hour.
***See also her delightful set of poems “Tombstones in the Starlight.”