Dear Etiquetteer:
I just found out that a very close friend is not planning on getting the vaccine. I haven't see her since before lockdown last year. I respect her right to decline the immunization, even though I don't understand it, but I'm not sure what to say now that she's suggested we get together for a visit.
Dear Vaccinated:
These situations are going to become more and more common as more people a) get the vaccine, and b) don’t get the vaccine. The true answer isn’t going to come from Etiquetteer; it’s going to come from your heart. How comfortable are you going to be in physical proximity to someone who hasn’t been vaccinated? Once you decide that, things become clearer.
If you decide that you aren’t comfortable, suggest an online meetup using Mutually Agreeable Technology (e.g. Zoom, Facetime, etc.). As you respect your friend’s decision not to get the vaccine, so should she respect your decision to safeguard your health. Explain kindly that you just aren’t ready for in-person socializing.
But let’s say you’d feel OK getting together with some precautions — for instance if you were to meet outdoors, or maintaining social distance of six feet, or if both of you wore masks. Be kind but candid about what would make your get-together truly relaxing and valuable.
Dear Etiquetteer:
What is your advice for one's spouse who is a mother? Does one give a gift to one's spouse on Mother's Day? What sort of gift is proper?
Dear Thoughtful:
It’s funny, but the first thing Etiquetteer thought of was a footnote from How to Set Up for a Mah-Jongg Game and Other Lost Arts, by Joan Gelman and Carol E. Rinzler: “A lady never accepts an expensive gift from a gentleman who isn’t her husband. A lady never accepts a gift from her husband that isn’t expensive.”
Even in dual-income households, mothers continue to bear well more than half of the burdens of childcare and housekeeping. And for everyone, the pandemic has made this even more stressful. Statistics show that most families give their mothers cards, flowers, or a meal out. Also jewelry (59%). But rather than rubies* or a mother’s birthstone ring, Etiquetteer thinks the gift of Time might be most welcome. “Honey, I’ll be completely responsible for the kids today so that you can just have time to yourself” could be the Sweetest Words She’ll Want to Hear. They’ll sound sweeter with an accompanying gift certificate for some sort of self-care, anything from a spa treatment to lunch out with her closest friends.
If you decide on flowers — always Perfectly Proper — choose her favorite. But it turns out the traditional Mother’s Day flower is the white carnation. These were the favorite of Ann Reeves Jarvis, the mother of Anna Jarvis, who started the modern tradition of Mother’s Day over 100 years ago — and then campaigned against it when it became too commercial**. Etiquetteer remembers as a schoolboy presenting Dear Mother with a handmade red carnation; in Mother’s Day symbolism, red carnations are given to mothers whose own mothers are living, and white to those whose mothers have already died. But in later life, when it was discovered that Dear Mother had once been fond of cattlyea orchids, an orchid corsage would often be delivered a day early.
Etiquetteer wishes you and your family a beautiful and loving Mother’s Day.
*Proverbs 31:10: “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.”
**Today, May 5, is another holiday that’s been commercialized beyond recognition, Cinco de Mayo. But then, what holiday hasn’t been commercialized, and what does that say about our culture?