Greetings, members of the graduating Class of 2021! Etiquetteer congratulates on your achievements on reaching this important milestone. The outside world needs your enthusiasm, your innovation, and your youthful energy to get us out of this awful mess.
It’s a rude, rude world you’re going into. But you have a secret weapon in your arsenal, a renewing quiver of golden arrows. It’s etiquette. It’s manners. Whether you know it or not, you need them — and most of you are already using at least a few of them.
Etiquette has a bad reputation, you know. Most people associate it with afternoon tea and ladies in hats looking down their noses to make people feel bad about themselves. That is an outdated view . . . though it has its attractions. Etiquetteer loves afternoon tea and ladies hats. It would be better if we could think of etiquette less as a weapon and more as a guide.
Because etiquette is not Downton Abbey. It is not about behaving grandly, which often looks fake unless you were actually born grand*. Etiquette is not about snappy comebacks; sorry, Dowager Countess! It is about how you make other people feel around you. Putdowns are so satisfying within our evil little hearts, but they are not the way to solve problems, and they are not the way to partnerships and alliances. Wicked and evil people do need to be put in their places, but it’s how you do it. Don’t vaporize, neutralize! Whoever described diplomacy as “the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip” absolutely got it right.**
Besides their snobbish reputation, good manners really took a hit during this endless year of the pandemic. Aside from the emotional strains of not being able to gather with loved ones — especially for milestone events like this graduation! — we have all been challenged with how to behave appropriately in new situations. Everyone has loved the more relaxed dress code of working or learning from home, but that’s led to some notable lapses in judgment like Poor Jennifer and that Canadian MP who accidentally stripped down in front of a live Zoom meeting because he thought the camera was off. Even though other people may not physically be in the same room with us, we need to act as though they were.
Etiquette is about keeping your cool under fire. Poise. Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother used to say “When you lose your temper, you lose your point.” And that’s another way of saying “Stay poised.” All the definitions of poise have to do with balance and equilibrium, but Etiquetteer’s favorite is “easy self-possessed assurance of manner: gracious tact in coping or handling [of situations].” Poise comes with self-confidence and experience. You’re already well on your way to gathering both.
So allow Etiquetteer to send you out into the world with these four pieces of advice:
Use the thoughtful, pointed question instead of the snappy comeback.
Always assume the camera is on, and keep all your clothes on in front of it.
Be poised.
Don’t look down your nose at someone over your teacup, but if you do, keep your pinky in.
Congratulations, Class of 2021! Best wishes for Perfectly Proper future, for you and all of us!
*Reminder: you weren’t.
**Apparently it was not Winston Churchill who said this.