Leap Day, and a Novelty Wedding, Vol. 19, Issue 9

February 29, the Calendrical Oddity that pops up every four years* to keep our calendars synchronized with the stars, really is little more than a Calendrical Oddity now. At some point in roughly the fifth century it became a day associated with the reversal of traditional gender roles. It seems Saint Brigid and Saint Patrick were sitting around in Ireland one day after the snakes had been chased out, and Brigid shared a lot of the complaints she’d been getting from Irish girls about how long it was taking their men to propose marriage. After some spirited negotiation, Saint Patrick finally allowed women to propose to men, but only on Leap Day, the day that came around least in the calendar.

It’s worth noting that men receiving proposals were not obligated to accept them! But they’d have to buy their way out of it, either with a dozen pairs of gloves (in Denmark - supposedly for the woman to hide the shame of having no wedding ring to wear) or a silk gown or a fine of £1 (thanks to England’s Queen Margaret in the 13th century).

Fast forward a few centuries to the United States. Aside from being known as a “spinster’s holiday” and occasioning lots of jokes about male safety, Leap Day was principally observed with a dance in the evening to which women would invite men to attend and to dance. Back in the day, ladies would sit on little chairs around the perimeter of the ballroom where gentlemen would approach them to ask for a dance. (With their backs against the wall like this, this is where the term “wallflower” comes from.) At a Leap Day dance, it would be the gentlemen in those little chairs while the ladies got to choose their partners.

Etiquetteer has always had a special fondness for the Leap Day dance for a unique reason: Etiquetteer’s grandparents were married at a dance on Leap Day, 1924, as a complete surprise. Though it does seem the proposal happened in the traditional way, Dear Grandfather having gone down on bended knee some time earlier to Pop the Question, only their parents, siblings, the officiant, and the bandleader had any idea what would be happening. And it seems the parents of the groom weren’t there anyway; it was their bridge night.

At the time they both worked for the same company, which was holding a Leap Day dance for employees. A “grand march” still figured on dance programs in the 1920s, and the grandparents were to lead it. Imagine the surprise of the assembly, all lined up, when the band launched into “Here Comes the Bride.” No one was expecting that musical selection! Imagine even greater surprise as, when the march came to its final figures, an honest-to-goodness Justice of the Peace took his place on the bandstand. “Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman . . . “ Excitement! Sadly for history, all that excitement meant no one took any photographs at the dance.

Obviously the game would have been given away if Dear Grandmother had appeared in the ballroom in traditional bridal white with a veil and a bouquet. She and her mother made for her a beautiful dancing dress of orange** crepe georgette, Perfectly Proper for a surprise Leap Day wedding, arousing no suspicions of a Great Event.

So whether you are asking someone to marry you*** or reversing traditional gender roles in another way, or celebrating the History Project’s 40th birthday with Etiquetteer this afternoon, Etiquetteer would like to wish you a Perfectly Proper Leap Day - which of course means looking before you leap.

Dear Grandfather in an “official” wedding portrait taken after the fact.

*Except when it doesn’t, once every 100 years.

**Coincidentally, orange was worn by brides in ancient Rome.

***Not in public, please! So embarrassing if you’re declined, like what happened to this poor girl.

How to Blow Your Nose, Vol. 19, Issue 8

Dear Etiquetteer:

How do you blow your nose in public?

Dear Congested:

First of all, unobtrusively, and then quietly and as quickly as possible. You don’t want to linger over the operation, but you also don’t want to take so long you call attention to yourself or leave behind anything in your nose that needs to be expelled. For equipment, you’ll need a cloth handkerchief - cotton or linen are better than silk - or a supply of paper tissues.

Before you begin, assess whether you need to make a Little Dab or a Big Blow. Then turn your head away from your companions; no one needs to see this full face. If you just have a small bit of moisture to take care of, cover the tip of your nose completely, dab, blow lightly if necessary, wipe in one smooth motion, close your handkerchief and put it away. If you have a Big Blow, begin the same way. You will have to blow more forcefully, but begin with low force and increase as needed until you start honking. Etiquetteer, unfortunately, has a tendency to honk like a goose when blowing.

When you’re done, just fold your handkerchief and put it away. Don’t comment on having had to blow your nose, not even an “Excuse me.” There are better things to talk about.

Interestingly, at an etiquette dinner Etiquetteer hosted last Thursday, one question that came up was how to blow one’s nose at the table. The 90th of George Washington’s Rules of Civility concerns this topic. “Being set at meat, scratch not; neither spit, cough, or blow your nose, except if there is a necessity for it.” At one time it was necessary to specify that neither the tablecloth nor a cloth napkin could ever be used to blow one’s nose. Now that is more universally understood! In an emergency, of course, we all know that paper napkins often get used, but technically it’s not Perfectly Proper. Still, “any port in a storm,” as the old saying goes.

Etiquetteer also had a few words to say on this topic in a Winter Etiquette column way back in Volume 13.

Etiquetteer wishes you continued good health through the winter and through allergy season.

A Toast for George Washington on his Birthday

Etiquetteer would like to offer a simple toast to the Father of Our Country, George Washington, on his birthday, February 22.

Once upon a time the nation went nutty with parties on February 22. Dame Curtsey’s Book of Novel Entertainments for Every Day of the Year included many ideas for afternoon and dinner parties, most involving crepe paper novelties, hatchet-shaped cookies, and paper flags. Etiquetteer really prefers just something simple in a glass with one cherry, thank you. Although in 2020 it’s also National Margarita Day (!), so you might try a nice cherry margarita. Better than cough syrup, Etiquetteer supposes, but couldn’t possibly beat the streamlined simplicity of a Perfectly Proper manhattan.

The 110th (and last) rule in George’s Rules of Civility runs “ Labour to keep alive in your breast that little celestial fire called conscience.” Especially in these troubled times, there could be no more Perfectly Proper toast for President Washington.

Jerks on a Plane, Vol. 19, Issue 7

It’s old news now, but Etiquetteer remains appalled by the behavior of the air traveler deliberately and repeatedly thumping the seat of the woman seated in front of him, Wendi Williams, because she had reclined her seat. Have you seen the video? You need to see the video for proof that grown men behave this way.

People, behaving like a pre-schooler is not a Perfectly Proper way to solve your problems. The best advice is the simplest: Use your words! A low-voiced, courteous request not to recline quite so steeply would more likely have been greeted with better results. And really, Etiquetteer has to wonder if this man would have behaved in this way if a man had been seated in that seat and not a woman.

Unfortunately, no one except Ms. Williams comes out of this looking good, and Ms. Williams has certainly taken some grief from Internet trolls based on how she handled the situation. Obviously Passive-Aggressive Thumping Man comes out the worst, and Etiquetteer hopes he’ll make a public apology to Ms. Williams soon. American Air Lines, unfortunately, didn’t cover itself with glory either. It appears the flight attendant sided with Passive-Aggressive Thumping Man - and even offered him a free drink! - because Ms. Williams had had to resort to filming him. Really, is it a good idea to provide free alcohol to a passenger whose behavior is already so violent? Finally, unavoidably, the previously referenced Internet trolls made inaccurate and offensive suggestions about how Ms. Williams handled the situation based on the video. The video, of course, didn’t include the entire situation.

None of this would have happened if the airlines would stop shrinking seats and seat pitch to maximize profits. Unfortunately the Federal Aviation Administration refused to regulate these in 2018. Those of us who are not Petite Flowers are having an increasingly difficult time achieving even basic comfort on board. Ms. Williams is quite right, then, when she said “It’s the airline’s job to fix the problem, not mine!”

So, some quick guidelines:

• Violence is not an acceptable way to solve problems.

• Use your words. Solving a problem actually means talking to other people, including strangers. Get over it.

• Don’t give free alcohol to travelers who are behaving violently.

• Don’t recline your seat on the airplane unless you really need to, and then only as much as you need.

• Really, if you can’t behave, just stay home.

Etiquetteer Is Sick!, Vol. 19, Issue 6

Etiquetteer is prostrate in bed ill, which feels Terribly Inconvenient. But it is better to be prudent about canceling social engagements with sufficient notice than to rush about “sharing.” So here’s Etiquetteer encouraging you all to be honest about your symptoms and to cancel at least 24 hours before.

Wintertime is usually when more people get sick and keep going around spreading sickness to others - the gift that keeps on giving. This is also when people do either one of two things: they cancel an engagement at the last minute because they feel too sick to go out, or b) they go out in spite of being too sick, and pass on their sickness to others. Neither of these approaches is Perfectly Proper.

Make the decision to cancel in time for the others in your party change their plans; 24 hours is good. People hold off; they think “Oh, but I might feel better by then.” Fuhgeddaboudit! You may very well NOT, and even if you do, cementing your recovery with a bit more rest and relaxation isn’t such a bad idea. Relapses can be so ugly, don’t you think? And Etiquetteer would hope that you’d feel terrible about infecting others. NO ONE needs you to be Typhoid Mary, Larry Barry, or Carrie . . . or Harry.

So thank you in advance for putting the good health of others - and yourself - ahead of other considerations. Just please do it in advance!

Thank you kindly for you attention. Now get well soon.

Inconvenient Untruths, Vol. 19, Issue 5

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have received several messages forwarded on [Insert Social Media Platform Here] from a very close and longtime friend. These involve missing children and adults. I understand the impetus to share these notifications in order to increase the chances that somewhere, someone, may have relevant information. When I click on the links to find out more, it sometimes turns out that the missing person has come to an untimely end or has been found safe. It seems that my friend forwards these messages without reading the actual post. When I pointed this out on one recent occasion and suggested that she take a minute to read the post before forwarding, her reply was "Probably not gonna happen." I thought this was rude. Your thoughts? I feel this relates to the larger question of people's propensity to forward posts that they have not verified (I use snopes.com to check before forwarding anything that seems suspicious.)

Dear Posted:

You’re absolutely right. Your query does relate to that Larger Propensity! So let’s be clear: it’s rude to take up people’s time by forwarding information that is inaccurate or untruthful, regardless of the sender’s good intentions. Etiquetteer wants first to talk about your friend, and then the Larger Propensity and What to Do About It.

Your Very Close Longtime Friend's (VCLF) concern about the issue of missing persons is to be commended, but her way of expressing it is not. Circulating information about missing persons who have already been found as though they were still missing does nothing to solve the problem. It only makes VCLF look like a well-meaning dunderhead. And we all know what happened to the Boy Who Cried Wolf: he became the wolf’s dinner entrée. 

Until her reaction to your Gentle Correction, Etiquetteer was almost willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. But “Probably not gonna happen” is not Perfectly Proper. It would have been nicer if she’d said “Thanks,” - even if she persisted in her behavior - but there we are, she didn’t. That says a lot about her.

How do we get you out of this? It’s not going to help to tell her that she looks like an Ignorant Fool by forwarding out-of-date posts. Since VCLF is a very close and longtime friend, that gives you the privilege of sharing how uncomfortable she’s made you feel. Have a calm and candid conversation (in person or voice-to-voice, not via text or social media). Let her know that she’s left you feeling disrespected - even though you’re sure she didn’t want to convey that* - because of the way she’s filling your inbox with out-of-date information. If she persists, explain kindly that you’ll need to block incoming messages or mute her profile in an effort to cut down on spam. Then do it if the behavior doesn’t change. Yes, that’s serious, but VCLF needs to understand that bad behavior has consequences.

NOW . . . let’s try to tackle the Larger Propensity. Two Old Maxims guide us on this issue: "Know the Truth, and the Truth shall make you free**” and "Honesty is the best policy***.” Combine these and you get "Check Your Information.” 

HOW TO VERIFY INFORMATION BEFORE FORWARDING

Etiquetteer does acknowledge how easy it is to forward bad info. We see something on the internet that excites our emotions - anger, anxiety, happiness, vindication, etc. - and immediately want to share it. We want to share it because we agree with it, because it justifies our opinions and feelings, because we want other people to have the same reaction, because we want to prove other people wrong. Let’s face it, though: this is just what the Russians want us to do!

So the next time to see something that excites you so much you want to share it, harness the power of the internet to make sure it’s true. Yes, that could involve some tedium, but Etiquetteer assures you it’s worth the time and effort.

Here’s how, using a meme about the Electoral College as an example.

First, NEVER forward a meme with statistics without checking them. Etiquetteer’s research into this meme showed several inaccuracies as well as things that were true:

1. According to the government, there are indeed 3,141 counties (or county equivalents) in the USA. 

1a. It is false that Trump won 3,084 counties and Clinton won 57 according to Snopes. You’ll note in the Snopes article that the Associated Press has “pegged it at 2,626 to 487, not 3,084 to 57.” They also note that the flawed count cited in the meme comes from an article on a Notorious Website Etiquetteer Will Not Deign to Name.

2. There are indeed 62 counties in the state of New York; here’s the list.

3. According to the Federal Election Commission, Clinton’s popular vote was 65,853,516 (page 2 of 10 on linked pdf) to Trump’s 62,984,825 (page 6 of 10), which comes to a difference of 2,868,691, almost double the 1.5 million cited in the meme. These figures are publicly available and the meme creator should have known better.

Why should anyone trust or take seriously arguments put forward in a meme with so much inaccurate data? If you feel strongly about an issue - in this case the Electoral College - advocate your views using honest info. It’s the same with news organizations. Check their About pages and find out how long they’ve been around and where their income comes from.

Now if Etiquetteer can ferret out all this information on the internet, anyone can - YOU can (and so can your VCLF). Happy hunting!

HOW TO CALL SOMEONE’S ATTENTION TO INACCURATE INFORMATION

Let’s say someone you know has posted something that’s untrue, and you feel the need to tell them. The first thing to do is not embarrass them publicly by calling them out on social media. Your goal is to change the behavior, not lock them in a pillory in the public square and fling mud at them. Public shaming does nothing to change people’s minds, in Etiquetteer’s experience.

After you’ve done your own research into the accuracy of what they posted, contact them privately, share what you’ve learned, and suggest they remove the post. Acknowledge how they feel about the issue at hand; obviously this is something they care about. “Missing persons are important!” your VCLF might respond, for instance. And that’s true, but spreading inaccuracies will make people care less, not more, and will also make people care less about what you have to share with them.

Etiquetteer wishes you strength and patience as you take this up with your VCLF.

*At least, let’s hope she didn’t!

**John 8:32.

***Benjamin Franklin

Top Ten Columns for Etiquetteer's 19th Anniversary

The end of January is Etiquetteer’s official anniversary, though the reason is already lost in the mists of time. (Perhaps that was when the original website launched?) So, for a low-key celebration, here are links to a very subjective list of Etiquetteer’s Top Ten Columns, in random order:

NO GIFTS PLEASE: Etiquetteer explores the history of the notice “No gifts please” on party invitations, invoking examples from the lives of William Jennings Bryan and Nellie Taft.

CONDOLENCE CORRESPONDENCE: Etiquetteer lays out some helpful guidelines for writing to the bereaved . . . and for the bereaved when they write back.

HOW TO TAKE A PIE IN THE FACE: Because you never know what sort of challenge your Perfect Propriety may face, Etiquetteer goes into the history of the pie in the face in American cinema and life. “Etiquetteer imagines it might be tempting to eat some of that pie, but having been attacked with it, you have no reason to believe that its ingredients are friendly.”

RANDOM INFO AT THE LAST MINUTE BEFORE THANKSGIVING: It’s interesting to note that the very busiest day of all 2019 on Etiquetteer’s website was the day this column was published. “Etiquetteer still writhes with shame over a childhood Thanksgiving at which the meal was not the eagerly anticipated turkey but an entirely alien and foreign and totally strange leg of lamb. Childhood Etiquetteer was really very rude about it, inexcusably. Speak to any children in your care in advance, let them know about how interesting and fun it is to try new things, and that making a fuss is Not Perfectly Proper.”

THE RELEVANCE OF EMILY POST: Etiquetteer gets personal about the importance of the grandmother of all American etiquette writers, Emily Post Herself. “So why is Emily Post still relevant? Because people are still, still hurt by the bad behavior of others, and they need a refuge. They need reassurance that they are doing their best, have value in the larger social framework — that they matter!”

HOLIDAY PARTIES AT THE OFFICE: Etiquetteer’s essential guidelines for getting through this annual ritual with your career intact. “The stereotype of the drunk coworker is well known in American life, and there’s a reason: it really happens. Dorothy Parker’s witticism ‘One more drink and I’ll be under the host’ takes on alarming connotations when your host is the CEO of your company or, worse, your boss. Remember the wise words of Billie Holliday in “God Bless the Child:” ‘You can help yourself, but don’t take too much.’”

TIME FOR COCKTAIL ATTIRE: Etiquetteer defines one of the elusive dress codes so popular now, “cocktail attire.” “A lady’s Little Black Dress, especially one involving some sequins, demands that a gentleman dress up to it, and that means at a minimum a jacket and tie. Etiquetteer guarantees that it’s not too much trouble to make the effort.”

ETIQUETTEER REVIEWS DINNER IN CAMELOT: Joseph Esposito’s absorbing book at the Nobel laureate dinner given by President and Mrs. Kennedy was a lot of fun to research. ‘Handling mistakes, your own or others, with grace is one of the hallmarks of Perfect Propriety. Nobel Prize winner Pearl Buck got to talk with Mrs. George Marshall after dinner, who was so very pleased to meet her. ‘I enjoyed your book So Big,’ confusing her with Edna Ferber . . . Buck was gracious and simply thanked her.’”

THE MELTDOWN OF BRIDEZILLA: “Just in case you were wondering, no one owes you a wedding - except possibly your parents. Etiquetteer isn't going to inquire into your private life. But no one owes you a wedding, and you shouldn't expect everyone you've ever met in your entire life to pay for it, and you should certainly not charge a four-figure "entrance fee" to attend your wedding.”

ETIQUETTEER TOURS THE WHITE HOUSE: Etiquetteer shares important dos and don’ts for touring the Executive Mansion based on a personal tour in 2015. “Etiquetteer does not advise making political commentary on current or former occupants of the House to the Secret Service agents on duty. Staff of the House are loyal to the Presidency, and Etiquetteer thinks it courteous not to put any of them into a position of saying ‘No comment’ to an Impertinent Question, no matter how humorously or mock-humorously intended.”

Etiquetteer would like to share a Perfectly Proper THANK YOU to readers and correspondents who have (one hopes) been enjoying Etiquetteer’s message of Perfect Propriety all these years. Keep those cards and letters coming for another 19 years of Perfect Propriety!

Keeping Your Best Face Forward, Vol. 19, Issue 4

Etiquetteer was delighted last month to present a webinar program for professionals in philanthropy called “Best Face Forward” for Donor Search in Washington, DC. Today’s column elaborates on questions and feedback from issues raised in that program.

CORRESPONDENCE

The handwritten Lovely Note remains an important personal touch in correspondence, philathropic or otherwise. One participant raised the important factor of limited ability.

Question: “I used to send handwritten thank-you notes. However, last year I broke a finger on my dominant hand and signing my name to letters is possible, but it is hard for me to write whole notes by hand.”

It’s important to do what you’re able to do, and if your injury has limited you only to signing your name, please continue to do that. A more involved solution might be to create a digital font based on your handwriting. Short of that, when working on letters going to larger audiences (for instance, an annual stewardship update to a donor society), you might be able to add a merge field in which to include individual messages. (Questions about how to do this are best directed to your tech support colleagues, not Etiquetteer.)

Question: “Please talk about a salutation for married couples. No longer, it seems, can we go by the standard Mr. and Mrs. When in doubt, what do you recommend?”

Question: “What about addressing envelopes to donors you haven't met? Use old-school (Mr. and Mrs. John Doe), informal (John and Jane Doe), or other? In this case, what was previously considered the norm is now experienced by many women as discourteous. But being too familiar may be experienced as discourteous by older donors.”

Indeed, “Mr. and Mrs. Man’s Name” often causes unintended offense. Today the safest approach is to give each person his or her own line in the address, in alphabetical order by last name:

Ms. Joan Jones (or Ms. Joan Michaels if she uses her husband’s name)
Mr. Michael Michaels
123 Uppington Street
Uppington, CT 00000

The formal salutation in a letter would appear “Dear Ms. Jones and Mr. Michaels.” If you have already met them you may use first names in the salutation, “Dear Joan and Michael.”

Question: “What factors determine addressing envelopes using Mr. & Mrs. John Smith vs. John and Mary Smith?”

Personal preference first, and then the type of correspondence being sent. If the addressees have already expressed a strong preference for “John and Mary Smith,” then that’s what you should use whether you’re sending thanks for a large gift or an invitation to a barbecue. Otherwise, casual invitations may be sent without honorifics, but most business correspondence should include them.

FORMS OF ADDRESS

Question: “Do you find that the level of formality when addressing individuals varies from region to region around the country? Or, based on the type of organization you represent? I'm from New England which I find much more formal than California, where I presently live.”

Comment from Another Participant: “I grew up in Georgia where using Ma'am and Sir was very common and a sign of respect, and then I moved to the Pacific Northwest. I observed that people do not expect those forms of address and take it almost as an insult as though you are "aging" them. I can't speak to the rest of the country, but that was a big transition for me to stop calling people sir or ma'am, as I learned that people did not like it.”

Etiquetteer can’t claim to have made a study of American regional preferences, but adapting to local custom, especially if you are “from away,” demonstrates a desire to be an active, respectful member of the community. Shifting gears can feel clunky, especially when the customs of your new home are contrary your raising. Persevere!

That said, Etiquetteer gives short shrift to Those People - mostly ladies in Etiquetteer’s experience - who protest being addressed as Ma’am or Sir. “I’m not that old!” they say. This is when Etiquetteer starts to channel the late Baby Jane Hudson: “But ya AH, Blanche! Ya AH that old!” Our collective preoccupation with Eternal Youth is both ridiculous and ill-fated. Just look at the late Duchess of Alba! Sir and Ma’am are long established, time-honored salutations of respect. If you want to be treated with respect when you’re really old, grin and bear it now.

PERSONAL PRONOUNS

Question: “How do you use a formal address (e.g. sir, ma'am) if you want to be sensitive to pronouns and not assume someone's gender?”

Question: “On the pronoun topic: How to you feel about preferred pronouns on event nametags?”

The changing universe of personal pronouns, along with the new gender-neutral honorific Mx., is perhaps the most revolutionary change in etiquette since the advent of the honorific Ms. in the 1970s*. And like that battle, there are proponents and opponents of New Pronoun Usage, each sometimes moved to Strong Emotion. In the United States this is seen most on college campuses and in some religious denominations.

If unsure of someone’s preferred pronouns, ask what pronouns they prefer. There doesn’t seem to be a nonbinary/gender-neutral substitute for Sir or M'a’am yet, but there is a very interesting trans style guide over at Medium that could be of great assistance.

As to nametags, while a growing number of people are comfortable having their preferred pronouns on nametags**, as many (or more) are not. Assess your organization’s goals, mission, etc., as well as the general makeup of your guest list and make the choice that will feel right to the greatest number of people. But if you’re going to include them, be sure to include everyone’s. If not, consider leaving a space so that attendees can add their own if they wish.

OTHER TOPICS

Question: “If a donor has a misconception about something that has happened in the organization and is angry, how do you correct the misinformation and diffuse the anger without sounding defensive?”

One of the privileges of being a donor is that the organization has to hear you out when you’re unhappy about something. As a staff member working with donors, it’s important first to acknowledge the emotion being expressed and why the donor is so strongly moved. You may also want to ask what information the donor received to form that particular misconception. Then, while continuing to acknowledge the donor’s feelings, share the truth and how what really happened fits in with your organization’s current mission or culture. The trick - and it isn’t always easy - is to do this by continuing to acknowledge how this person feels.

Question: “Should you stand up when two more senior men, or women, walk in to join the meeting?”

Once upon a time, socially, a gentleman always rose when a lady entered a room or left the table. Professionally, while respect is shown to rank regardless of gender, Etiquetteer finds it disruptive to stand when senior staff arrive at a meeting. Unless your boss stands up, keep your seat.

*Another obvious candidate for that role, however, is the exploding use of cell phones and other personal devices since the 1990s.

**A plea from Sinclair Sexsmith to include pronouns on nametags may be found on Medium.

The New Normal of Socializing, Vol. 19, Issue 3

Dear Etiquetteer:

My question isn't so much of a question, as it is an observation of a seemingly new trend, that I see more regularly with younger people than with older people. I've experienced it several times myself and this is my impetus for writing you.

It seems that we now make social arrangements via text, email, and even online social apps like Instagram, Facebook, etc. My observation is that once two parties have begun dialogue regarding the possibility of a social get-together there is a bit of volleying of the when's and where's the event would take place.

In my case I've told the other party that I would be delighted to get together with them, and when they counter with two available dates let's say, I return saying "Either sounds great, just let me know what works better for you, and I'll accommodate your schedule." Then the line goes dead.

I've even had the situation go one step further, where the other party says, "Saturday would be great I'll check back with you on Friday to finalize the details." Friday rolls around, and I never hear anything.

So now my query, problem is: is it up to me to now reach out and remind the party they were to reach out to me on said day? Or as the said day for circling back wanes do I then reach out and say "I guess we're not getting together?" I'm just not clear at this point what to do.

Several 20-something friends of mine say “Oh, that's normal, these days. Everybody expects you to flake.” I'm semi-flabbergasted. And I definitely have the wind knocked out of my sails the next time the other party reaches out for a subsequent get-together, blithely acting as though our previous nixed engagement doesn't matter.

Dear Stood Up:

This sounds like a case of “Get Off My Lawn” vs. “OK Boomer.” Time to bridge the Generation Gap! To do that, we need to explore a couple things like specificity and consideration for others.

But first, let’s hear it for intergenerational socializing. Ever since the invention of the teenager around World War II, the generations have been increasingly segregated in their own silos. College campuses, of course, should be hotbeds of such interactions - here we must praise faculty and their spouses who do such valiant work bringing adults of all ages together over food - but we socialize everywhere, and everywhere is where everyone should come together. (Etiquetteer has written in the past about Joan Crawford’s similar advice in her book My Way of Life.) Each generation has much to offer the other - let’s get together!

What’s wrong with that last sentence? It’s too vague! There’s nothing to commit to: no date, no time, no activity. No, “get together” is not an activity, nor is “hang out.” Koalas and sloths “hang out,” and as anyone can see, they don’t do anything but just hang there. Why make a commitment to that?! Something more concrete needs to be added. In your example above, when given two dates you’d go further to pick one rather than reply “Either is great.” Then suggest a specific activity - drinks, dinner, brunch, movie, concert, etc. - and a location.

Etiquetteer understands why people are reluctant to make specific proposals: because they might be rejected, and no one likes rejection. On the other hand, friends punting on these vaguely committed plans leave you not only rejected, but with unexpected time on your hands. So not being specific also doesn’t work. What we need is a Masterful Type who will open the bidding, if you will, with a specific declaration! “Let’s meet for drinks at [Insert Name of Location Here] on [Insert Date Here] after work.” Or “Why not come over on [Insert Date Here] at [Insert Time Here] for a movie night?” Your friends can then say Yea Yea or Nay Nay or counter with their own ideas (if they have any).

You’ll infer from all this that Etiquetteer isn’t a fan of waiting until the day before an engagement to decide what that engagement will be. In the future, when someone responds “Let’s figure out the details the day before,” counter with something specific right away.

People are also reluctant to say No. Etiquetteer thinks people are afraid it implies “We don’t want to socialize with you.” They don’t realize that ghosting people, just not responding after tentative plans have been made, does more than imply it - it conveys it. We’d all be better off if more people felt comfortable saying “Maybe another time, my plans are really up in the air right now” or “Dinner out doesn’t work, but what about coffee?*”

Consideration for others is one of the cornerstones of Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer was brought up by parents and grandparents who emphasized that showing respect for others was How to Get Along, the whole Golden Rule Thing about doing unto others, etc. etc. Nowadays Grandma and Grandpa are more likely to have been writhing in hallucenogenic ecstasy in the mud at Woodstock - not a foundation for Perfect Propriety!** All this . . . this casualness that’s come after has resulted in carelessness, which is very different, and more hurtful. Unfortunately, people don’t realize the impact of their behavior until they experience it themselves - and not even then.

Which brings us to your current situation. Flakers with a history of flaking reach out to get together; you are upset that they haven’t acknowledged that they are at fault for flaking. Etiquetteer wants you to give them one more chance. Don’t say anything about their past behavior, but be sure they suggest something specific, or suggest something specific yourself. If they punt on you this time, write ‘em off. Should they approach you again after that, Etiquetteer will allow you to point out, gently, that they’ve flaked out twice before and it’s left you feeling a little bruised.

Etiquetteer wishes you and your Flaky Friends a Happy and Honored Occasion!

*Etiquetteer recently had the dispiriting experience of having everything shot down. “Let’s meet for drinks!'“ “I don’t drink.” “OK, how about coffee at [Insert Name of Café Here]?” “I don’t drink coffee.” What’s left, “Why don’t we have a glass of water together?” Somehow that seems neither hospitable nor particularly festive - not even with a slice of lemon added. At that point the only response may be “Well, my suggestions aren’t going very far. What would you like to do?”

Holiday Fallout, Vol. 19, Issue 2

Now that Twelfth Night has well and truly passed, the Holiday Season may be declared officially over. But residual dilemmas linger on. Etiquetteer has been casting a Disapproving Glance over a martini at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much over some of this Holiday Fallout. How well are you faring on these, or similar issues?

First, there’s the Mystery Gift: the present that was received, and possibly opened, but whose giver is now unknown. That Mr. Dimmick held two small gatherings over the holidays and was delighted to receive a few Christmas gifts in a maneuver known as the Furtive Party Handoff. Now that the glitter has been swept away, he has no idea who gave that bottle of Bordeaux (“to enjoy on your own”) or the paperback novel Less, and therefore no idea to whom to send a Lovely Note! It doesn’t help to remember that both of these were received directly from the givers and that at least one of them at one point had a gift label on it. such tedious carelessness. He ought to know better!

One can hardly put out an APB to the entire guest list such as “If you gave me something, could you please remind me what it was?” Aside from making one look absent-minded (no matter how true that might be), it could also conjure unwanted feelings of guilt from other guests who never even contemplated bringing a gift. After all, one invites friends into one’s home for the pleasure of their company, not because of the expectation of a gift, even if it is Christmas. And then, think of the chagrin of the gift giver at not being remembered!

To prevent this sort of mixup in the future, recipients should have a pad and pen handy to jot down swiftly who gave what (yes, even in the midst of hosting a party!), or write it on the wrapping paper, and givers should tape gift labels firmly (especially to bottled gifts).

An APB could be issued to a guest list about recovered property. A handsome burgundy scarf remained after guests departed That Mr. Dimmick’s on New Year’s Day, and a discreet email message to the guest list along the lines of “Would the owner of a burgundy scarf please reply to . . . “ isn’t out of place. Just send it as a bcc: to everyone to prevent an endless round of Reply All responses, so frustrating to everyone who isn’t involved. (How do people manage this sort of thing by group text? Etiquetteer confesses that such a disruption would be maddening.)

Then the question of what to do with unhealthy leftovers comes up. Supply of dessert exceeded demand* and That Mr. Dimmick now finds himself with a refrigerator full of Slowly Decaying Sweetness. The problem of course is that after the holidays everyone wants to rush to the Lady Bird Johnson Diet (clear soups and salad) or the Rich White Woman’s Diet (white wine and celery) to start slimming. Baked goods can often pass as leftover offerings when inviting a couple close friends over for tea or coffee. Invite them over now! But that wrecked molded cream, however, might have to be consigned to the waste bin rather than the waistline.

What sort of holiday fallout did you have to face, dear readers? Etiquetteer wants to know!

*How on earth is that ever possible, really?

The Pope Is Not a Pull Toy, and Other Thoughts, Vol. 19, Issue 1

Anno Domini 2020 began with an unusual news story: the apology of a Pope. Pope Francis apologized after a very rare “flash of anger” brought about when a woman nearly yanked him off his feet so she could have her Pope Time on New Year’s Eve. Be sure to watch the video so you can see exactly what happened.

Now, the Pope may be God’s Representative on Earth for Catholics around the world, but he’s still a man. And a very old man at this point of time, who could easily break a bone or dislocate a joint or something if brought off balance. One point made online referred to the woman who touched Jesus’ garment and was healed through her faith. That said, she didn’t expect Jesus to return to her position in the lineup. Celebrities, whether religious or cinematic, do not owe you personal attention. Act accordingly.

The Pope’s apology was a true act of humility (and therefore of Perfect Propriety) and serves as an example of How True Leaders Behave. World Leaders, pay attention! What really annoys Etiquetteer about this whole episode, though, is that no one seems to be calling for an apology from the woman who started it all. Whatever her motivation, her behavior was Not Perfectly Proper. If she hasn’t yet, she should write a Lovely Note of Apology to Pope Francis.

In other news, Etiquetteer overheard a couple young women two days ago complaining about weddings - specifically about paying for them. “When people ask what to get us I’m like ‘Can’t you just pay for the flowers?’” carped one, to which the other replied “Not even. I just tell them ‘No gifts, just send us money.’” And . . . and it just made Etiquetteer despair. These young women made the whole thing sound so transactional, so removed from any feelings of goodwill that might be expressed for a Happy Couple. So joyless. Is this really what we want weddings to be? Of course over the last 12 years what the middle class thinks of as “nice” has become more and more expensive; for a traditional “nice” wedding* the days of the Father of the Bride paying for everything before the wedding and the Groom paying for everything after departure for the honeymoon are long gone. Nevertheless . . . can’t we find a kinder way to talk about this? The acid snark of those young women . . . mercy, Etiquetteer doesn’t even know them and it left a sting**.

And finally, Etiquetteer witnessed an unusual practice by a waiter in an Italian restaurant that really does not bear repeating. After setting down a new glass of red wine, the waiter turned the old glass of red wine into it to shake out the last couple drops before taking it away. Can you imagine? Etiquetteer does enjoy wine, but is not so greedy over every drop as that! Let’s hope this doesn’t become a trend.

So . . . Happy New Year! Etiquetteer hopes to hear from you soon about how and where you’d like to see more Perfect Propriety in the world.

*This automatically excludes destination weddings, which are often perceived as desirable but are certainly not traditional.

**Rereading this, Etiquetteer couldn’t help but remember Alec Guinness in Kind Hearts and Coronets saying “Well, if you’re going to add impertinence to your eavesdropping . . . we’ll soon see about that!”

Holiday Card Fallout, Vol. 18, Issue 49

Since Christmas Day has past but the New Year not yet reached, this is Etiquetteer’s traditional reminder that we are still in the Twelve Days of Christmas, so you may continue to send Christmas greeting cards up to Twelfth Night on January 6. Kwanzaa, which began December 26, ends January 1, so after New Year’s Day you’re out of luck with that holiday.

Did you get some nice greetings this year for the Holiday of Your Choice? Etiquetteer certainly did, as well as a few queries:

Dear Etiquetteer:

Once again this year, I got a Christmas card from a friend full of good wishes for the New Year but misspelling my name. I kinda don’t want to say anything, but it IS my NAME and it’s only spelled one way! Am I just being too sensitive or ungrateful, or what can I do to stop this?

Dear Misspelled:

Etiquetteer agrees with you that your name is important, and it deserves to be spelled correctly. Even the Second Mrs. DeWinter noted that Maxim DeWinter spelled her name correctly when he first wrote her a note (though we never learn what that name is) in Daphne du Maurier’s exquisite novel Rebecca. That means, of course, that you’re going to have to get more comfortable talking about how to spell it. Keeping silent is certainly not going to solve the problem.

The passive aggressive way to do this would be to sign all future correspondence with your last name in all caps, e.g. Mary SMYTHE. Subsequent misspellings could escalate this, e.g. Mary SMYTHE, NOT SMITHE, YOU INATTENTIVE NUMBSKULL. You’ll agree, Etiquetteer is sure, that this isn’t the most Perfectly Proper way to Get the Message Across.

Instead, a direct conversation needs to take place. Tell your friend how much you love receiving Christmas greetings, but that their card list need to be updated to reflect the correct spelling of your name. And next year, when you receive another misspelled card, repeat the message in a way that won’t make them feel like an inattentive numbskull, something along the lines of “Would you check your card list again to see if my name is there correctly? You know it’s really spelled Smythe and not Smithe.” Best wishes as you begin what often feels like a task of Sisyphus.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I’ve always enjoyed getting a holiday card from a particular person who includes a wonderful newsletter about their family. But I seem not to have received one this year, and maybe last year as well. We’re both active on the same social media platforms, and it’s pretty clear we hold opposing views on many subjects. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to maintain our friendship, and I know I still send her a card every year. I’m worried that I might have been cut from her list because my views aren’t the same. How could I ask about this?

Dear Uncarded:

Three years seems to be the generally accepted amount of time to drop someone from a card list if you haven’t received a card from them. Let’s use that as a Perfectly Proper Period to inquire. Next year at this time*, if you are absolutely certain sure that you didn’t get one again, Etiquetteer will allow you to ask your friend “I used to love getting your annual holiday newsletter! Are you still sending one out?” Don’t make it about your differing views. It’s entirely possible - indeed, much more likely - that the work involved in one of those letters just got to be too much.

You sound genuinely concerned, though, that your differing views might be having an impact on this friendship/relationship quite independent of holiday greetings. That is a separate issue entirely, and you may want to initiate a conversation about it before next year. This will probably go better in person, or at least voice to voice, not via social media or email. Express your affection for this person, acknowledge your different viewpoints (also perhaps acknowledging that neither of you will change the view of the other), and let them know that you don’t want those differences to separate you altogether. Etiquetteer hopes you will both benefit from a candid and loving discussion.

*Etiquetteer is going to assume that you really didn’t receive a card from this person last year, though you appear to be in doubt (which is quite understandable in the blizzard of holiday greetings that swirl about us every year).

Pearls and Carving, Vol. 18, Issue 48

Today, December 15, is National Wear Your Pearls Day - because the internet, of course - so wear your pearls proudly with Perfect Propriety. Ladies have more leeway here - a gentleman doesn’t wear a pearl necklace with Perfect Propriety - and it’s been said that if a lady wears her pearls often enough (or continuously) that they will flatter her by taking on her skin tone. This need not exclude the bathtub, as demonstrated by Greta Scacchi in White Mischief, above. Just look out for the bath oil, which is good for you, but not for the pearls.

Etiquetteer went into jewelry for gentlemen earlier this year, but you’ll find some suggestions for pearls other than white that might be suitable for gentlemen over at the Aspiring Gentleman.

Moving on to a more Timely Topic, Etiquetteer discovered this crystal dumbbell in a passel of family tidbits. No, working out with it isn’t going to help your biceps! This is a knife rest, and is used on the dining room table when the meat is carved there to help prevent the knife from soiling the tablecloth. These days carving is often done in the kitchen - and Etiquetteer thinks that’s often more efficient - but if someone around your table can combine efficiency and showmanship, make it a feature of your dinner party.

If you’re going to do this thing, two invaluable resources for aspiring carvers are Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette and a delightful and useful book from 1993, Rising to the Occasion: A Practical Companion for the Occasionally Perplexed, by Edith Hazard and Wallace Pinfold. The latter describes carving a turkey as “akin to lightweight wrestling,” at least the part that involves removing the limbs. Other handy advice includes making sure the knife is sharp before you start to carve, having a stack of hot dinner plates next to the carver at the dining table (much less complicated than having everyone pass their plates up and down the table), and not neglecting any of the garnish that might also be on the platter like parsley, potatoes, or sauce. And don’t forget to include a knife rest when setting the table! If the carver just rests it on the platter, that could jostle nearby table settings when the platter is moved by the Unaware.

While electric knives have made carving a bit less of a chore than hitherto*, carving is still one of those backhanded etiquette assignments, like being invited to pour tea at a tea party. It’s supposed to be an honor to be asked, but you still end up getting put to work at a party. Etiquetteer will never forget Dear Father’s despairing sigh of “Oh Lordy” when asked to carve one Thanksgiving. On the other hand, you can’t just leave it for the servants to take care of if there are no servants. So if, at a Great Meal this holiday season, someone is carving for you in the kitchen or at the table, be sure to thank them.

*Not to mention spiral-cut hams.

Unwanted Offerings, Vol. 18, Issue 47

Dear Etiquetteer:

I could have used your help recently to get out of an uncomfortable situation, so I want to ask you now how I should have done it, in case I have to deal with it again.

I like to have big parties, especially at Christmas, but I also like to streamline the bar and food to cut down on the amount of stuff I have to clean later. This is important since I don’t have a dishwasher. I serve finger food only, like crudité and dip, or things you can just pick up and eat without utensils, or even plates. Sometimes people ask if they can bring anything and I tell them really just to bring themselves, or a bottle of wine or something.

So, I just had a party, and a friend brought a casserole to share. I wasn’t set up to serve something like that - remember what I said about having no dishwasher - and I tried to finesse it with “Oh how nice! I’ll look forward to enjoying it later.” “But I brought it for everyone, to share!” my friend said. She was clearly going to be upset if I didn’t put it out. Rather than make a scene, I dug out some plates and forks, but of course didn’t have enough for everyone. Instead of getting to enjoy the party with my guests, I had to be digging up plates! And then of course I had to clean them all when everyone went home.

How can I handle something like this the next time, Etiquetteer?

Dear Hostess:

If you cannot prepare yourself with a dishwasher, which is not at all a bad thing to have for someone who likes to entertain largely, Etiquetteer advises squirreling away an emergency stash of disposable plates and utensils. That way any surprise casseroles can be served with much less fuss.

But perhaps this is not the answer you were looking for. Maybe you were really trying to find a way to keep people from bringing things you don’t want, things that change the way you’ve envisioned your party progressing? The first step is to be more specific in your instructions. Don’t say “Oh, just bring a bottle of wine or something,” because “or something” definitely includes a casserole! When asked, tell your guests exactly what you want - “Nothing, really, I just want you!” or “It would be great if you could bring a bottle of wine you really like.” And you can add “I have the food part all set” when any Casserole Conspirators lurking on your guest list start asking*.

The second step - and you may not like this - is that you need to handle things more calmly in the moment. Your irritation at having to change your focus from the party to this unwanted casserole**, which came through in your query, could have had a negative effect on the overall mood. That’s important to avoid. Things happen at parties - sound systems malfunction, people break things (including themselves sometimes), the toilet overflows, someone with olfactory issues can’t handle the aromatherapy candles, you name it - and how a host or hostess handles each of things has a direct impact on the equilibrium of the party. Just last month Etiquetteer was sharing the advice of a Venerable Old Gentleman to “expect three things to go wrong.” Not to sound immodest, but it’s good advice.

Parties are fabulous, as long as we hosts and hostesses keep ourselves from running off the rails. Next time you get a casserole foisted on you, take a deep breath, smile, and remember where you stashed those paper plates. Etiquetteer wishes you renewed joy when you host your next gathering.

*One reason to suppress the guest list, if sending invitations by email or one of the Electronic Invitation Generators like Evite or Paperless Post, is to prevent group replies like “I hope your friend is going to bring that awesome casserole again!” The only thing worse is “I can’t come that night. How about having the party another night?”

**Etiquetteer is dying to know if anyone ate any of it - what chagrin for you if it turned out to be popular!

Forms of Address, Vol. 18, Issue 46

Dear Etiquetteer:

So many of my young relatives and friends have chosen to construct their families by the simple expedient of living together, without the ... benefit? ... necessity? ... legality? ... of matrimony.

I do not judge them unfavorably, since a loving, caring, committed relationship is not guaranteed by marriage. However, I (and they) are sometimes stymied by how to describe the relationship.

We all agree that "this is my girlfriend/boyfriend, and these are the teenaged children we bore and raised together" falls far short of describing the family they enjoy together. When I suggest that the old word "leman" be brought back into general usage, the complaint arises that "leman" sounds an awful lot like "lemon."

Is there a modern equivalent to the very useful term that means "a love-interest companion of long-standing, to whom one is not married" -- other than "mistress" or "sugar daddy"? Thank you for your consideration of the matter.

Dear Addressing:

Etiquetteer has to agree with your young friends that leman is too obscure to make a comeback*. While to your friends it called to mind lemon, Etiquetteer first remembered Lymon, and then thought of a lemur. Somehow none of those terms seem to inspire thoughts of romantic love.

At least “baby daddy” isn’t one of the terms you considered, since that term implies that the Man in Question is no longer in the relationship**. Back in the 1970s (it was the 1970s, wasn’t it?) when the whole “Live together first!” movement was starting, there was a feeble attempt to make POSSLQ (pronounced POSS-el-kew) the standard. An acronym meaning Person of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters, of course it collapsed under the weight of its own cuteness. It is really too bad that the word “lover” just won’t cut it. Etiquetteer thinks it would be perfect***, but too many other people associate it with adultery.

In the 21st century, of course, a gender-neutral term is needed that can encompass relationships between same-sex and opposite-sex partners. “Life partner” would seem to be the best fit, and Etiquetteer encourages you to run that by your young friends.

*And, as it happens, one of its definitions is “mistress,” which we agree is an implication to be avoided.

**It’s also a popular song.

***Etiquetteer is also, let’s face it, biased in its favor because of Merle Oberon’s delivery of the line “He was a man. He was my lover!” in 1934’s The Scarlet Pimpernel.

Random Info at the Last Minute Before Thanksgiving, Vol. 18, Issue 45

Sweet mercy goodness, Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow! Before we really get into the thick of it, Etiquetteer has some random Perfect Propriety to toss out:

Drive safely. Depending on which weather service you prefer, in the next 24 hours different regions of the nation could be headed toward the Apocalypse, or just the next Ice Age. Your safe arrival means more than burnt marshmallows on the sweet potato casserole. Use discretion in plotting your travel, and for mercy’s sake, know how you’re going to get there before you get in the car.

Be sympathetic to the cashiers. It’s a tradition the night before Thanksgiving for folks to run to the supermarket either for a few forgotten items or every blessed ingredient on their menu. It can be a mob scene; that is awfully tough on the cashiers, especially if the scanner thingy stops working. Express kindness and courtesy to them, even though you yourself might be feeling stressed.

No cannabis in the menu unless everyone’s on board. Etiquetteer was surprised to learn that the cannabis revolution slowly taking place in the US has grown to include gravy. This leads Etiquetteer to remind you that it is not just Naughty, but Downright Unethical and Illegal to get people high without them knowing it*. Anything mind-altering on the menu needs to be labeled as such, and LIzzie Post even advises in Higher Etiquette to retain the packaging for questions.

Roll with the punches. A Venerable Old Gentleman with whom Etiquetteer used to plot the overthrow of self-aggrandizing parvenus once said “Expect three things to go wrong” when planning an event. And he was entirely right. And as long as you know in advance that something will go wrong, you’ll be better able to solve whatever that might be calmly when it happens.

Talk to the children now about food and expectations. Etiquetteer still writhes with shame over a childhood Thanksgiving at which the meal was not the eagerly anticipated turkey** but an entirely alien and foreign and totally strange leg of lamb. Childhood Etiquetteer was really very rude about it, inexcusably. Speak to any children in your care in advance, let them know about how interesting and fun it is to try new things, and that making a fuss is Not Perfectly Proper.

Remember the Cocoanut Grove. In 2019 Thanksgiving falls on the anniversary of the Cocoanut Grove nightclub fire. Don’t leave an open flame unattended***, know where all the fire exits are, and consider adding maple walnut ice cream to your menu in memory of Anthony Marra, the busboy who saved his life by sticking his head into a bucket of the stuff.

Thank the cooks. The women and men slaving over hot stoves and bubbling cauldrons deserve our thanks: with a toast around the table, with an individual word before you go, with a Lovely Note afterward, or even all of the above. Why not send a Lovely Note with your handprint decorated as a turkey? Wouldn’t that be memorable?!

Etiquetteer would like to wish you and yours a Perfectly Proper Thanksgiving.

*The cognoscenti will remember Harold in The Boys in the Band “turning my hateful mother on with the salad” because he forgot that he kept his stash in the oregano jar.

**So many Americans only eat turkey on Thanksgiving. It’s actually wonderful at any time.

***Many years ago Etiquetteer was at a party - not at Thanksgiving - when a lit taper just collapsed from within and nearly set the dining room on fire. Fortunately there was one quick-witted guest in the group; everyone else was frozen with shock!

Drinking in Period Style: What to Wear to Celebrate Repeal, Vol. 18, Issue 44

OK Etiquetteer:

You have said in the past that we need to get rid of ambiguous dress codes, but the invitation to your own party next month has a dress code of “Period attire encouraged but not required.” Now just WHAT does that mean, for a party celebrating the end of Prohibition? I may not care what I’m wearing after the second drink, but I’d rather arrive at the party completely comfortable. So . . . spell it out, please: what should I wear, and what should I avoid?

Dear Drinking:

Well, you certainly are hoisting Etiquetteer on his own petard! Let’s solve this problem.

The Prohibition-era stereotype always seems to be dark pinstriped double-breasted suits with neckties, fedoras, and machine guns in violin cases for men*, and the classic flapper getup for women: sleeveless drop-waisted dresses with hem just above the knee, fringe, “headache band” around the head, perhaps with a feather; long strings of beads down past the navel, garters around the thighs (possibly with a small flask stuck in one) and silk stockings rolled to just below the knee**. If you look at the Broadway Ballet in Singin’ in the Rain, that’s it in a nutshell.

Speakeasy verité

That film, of course, was made 20-odd years after Repeal, a brightly-colored affectionate picture of the Roaring Twenties. The actual experience, though, was grittier, and you’ll find more authentic ideas in art of the period. Etiquetteer is specially fond of Paul Cadmus’s painting Greenwich Village Cafeteria of 1934, the year after Repeal. The men all seem to have lapels, whether jackets or trenchcoats or suit coats. Waistlines are high and trousers are cuffed. Shoes are two-toned, and one man is even wearing spats. There’s a snap-brim cap, and one man’s fedora is bright green. And would you just look at the man at the far left . . . wearing an earring! (Slave bangles were popular accessories for both sexes during this period, too.)

By this time, women’s fashion had brought back the long gown for evening and lowered hemlines to midcalf for day wear. Women wore hats and stockings (rolled all the way up, not left at the knee) and ankle-strap shoes with what look like two-inch hourglass heels.

Now it does look interesting here to see a mix of day and evening clothes, and that’s a thing that happened more then than now because a certain class of society dressed in evening clothes in the evening whatever they were doing. This is where the term “slumming” came from, and very especially describes Midtown Manhattanites going to Harlem***.

So what does that mean you’re likely to see at Etiquetteer’s Eighth Annual Repeal Day Celebration at the Gibson House? This being New England in winter, a bit of everything - which makes it perfect for a speakeasy! There may be a black tie or two, and a dark suit, and a couple flapper dresses - some “deft and tasteful suggestions,” to quote the late Ignatius J. Reilly - but there will also be down vests, flannel shirts, and some black turtleneck sweaters sparkling with holiday bling. Etiquetteer rather hopes some group will come as the cast of Baby Face starring Barbara Stanwyck . . . but without the exploding still.

Etiquetteer hopes you’ll be able to join this festive occasion!

*When cornered in their bedrooms by the cops or a rival mob, they always seem to be wearing fedoras with “wife beater” undershirts, voluminous yoke-front boxer shorts, and knee socks with garters. If you really don’t care what you’re wearing after your second drink, consider this.

**Etiquetteer immediately remembered the lyric “I’m gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockin’s down” from the musical Chicago.

***In the 21st century, the most visible example of slumming is bachelorette parties held in gay bars.

Using the Good Stuff, Vol. 18, Issue 43

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, the first Great Meal of a season of Great Meals, for which the Good Stuff was created. You know what kind of Good Stuff Etiquetteer is talking about: the silver, china, and crystal that your mothers and grandmothers received when they married (and which you may have passed over in favor of a honeymoon registry). Now is the time to get it out and enjoy using it, and Etiquetteer wants to admonish and encourage you to do so.

People get anxious about using the Good Stuff, for a lot of different reasons. The first, of course, is that it’s a lot of trouble to clean. Especially anything with a gold rim can’t go in a dishwasher. Just dragoon some help from other members of the company to make the cleanup go more quickly.

The Good Stuff was meant to be used! Our fear of breakage has caused us to preserve these Beautiful and Useful Things to such a degree that they’re practically Holy Relics. When Cousin Hepzibah brings out the teacups in Hawthorne’s The House of the Seven Gables, she tells young Cousin Phoebe “Your great-great-great-great-grandmother had these cups, when she was married . . . They were almost the first tea-cups ever seen in the colony; and if one of them were to be broken, my heart would break with it. But it is nonsense to speak so about a brittle tea-cup, when I remember what my heart has gone through without breaking.” And it’s worth noting that Hepzibah was bringing them out for a special occasion.

People do worry about breakage, understandably. Accidents happen even with the everyday china! But it’s not the end of the world, darlings. We’ve all endured worse, just like Cousin Hepzibah. Just chalk it up as a sacrifice on the altar of Hospitality if something gets damaged. If you end up with uneven pairs of goblets or what have you, just fill in from your everyday gear (starting with the host and hostess, of course). Great Meals at the holidays should not be so fiercely formal that anyone takes issue*.

Finally, it’s perhaps old-fashioned to worry about an “absent-minded” guest purloining a few pieces of sterling silver. Just cut them out of the will if your teaspoons don’t add up!

Etiquetteer would like to wish you and your loved ones a beautiful, fun, and Perfectly Proper Thanksgiving.

*That said, if you end up with so many patterns and styles that your table looks like the dining table in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, well . . . that’s a tender subject.

Road Trips with the Hard of Hearing, Vol. 18, Issue 42

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am planning a drive out of state over Thanksgiving. A friend may or may not be coming with me. My problem is that even with hearing aids, I have difficulty hearing. My friend — let’s call her Friend — speaks softly at the best of times, and when in the car hurtling along the highway, she makes no effort to speak a bit more loudly, which should not be difficult. I have asked her repeatedly to speak up, and on the occasions when I have to mention it more than once, Friend responds with an irritated blast of volume. I don’t think she’s being passive-aggressive, but it’s possible. Any advice?

Dear Driver:

“A lady never speaks above a whisper,” Miss Jessie taught us in that delightful novel of the 1970s Splendora. Once upon a time a voice of quiet graciousness was considered so ladylike. Etiquetteer thinks of devious Brigid O’Shaughnessy in The Maltese Falcon, who spoke “so softly that only the purest articulation made the words intelligible.” Nancy, the shopgirl in O. Henry’s “The Trimmed Lamp,” looks up to her society idol Mrs. Van Alstyne Fisher, “for that excellent thing, a soft, low voice as clear as silver and as perfect in articulation as the notes of a thrush.” But those were the days when autos didn’t move faster than, say, 12 miles an hour.

Etiquetteer sympathizes with both you and your Soft-Voiced Friend. It is enormously frustrating to be unable to hear or understand what is said to you, but it can also be physically draining to concentrate intensely over a sustained period on vocal delivery. What you are assuming “should not be difficult” might actually be wearing Friend out. If only elocution lessons could once again be included in an educational curriculum! Pronounced, not to say excessive, enunciation helps more than volume when speaking with the hard of hearing. Indeed, that’s why Noel Coward developed his veddy veddy clipped voice: to be understood by his mother, who was somewhat deaf after a childhood illness.*

Because this has come up before, Etiquetteer thinks you need to have a candid but respectful conversation with Friend well before the day of your road trip. Don’t spring it on her as she’s getting into the car. Be frank about your hearing, as well as the impact the white noise of driving has on it. Explain kindly that you don’t want to appear inattentive to her, but the triple challenge of your hearing, her soft voice, and travel noise will mean you will often end up asking her to repeat herself. Suzanne Vale makes the most memorable suggestion in Postcards from the Edge: “I'm simply suggesting we all try to enjoy each other without having to assign blame.” It’s not your fault that you’re going deaf, and it’s not her fault that she has a tiny voice. You’re both working with what the Deity of Your Choice provided.

You may both decide that listening to music or podcasts for at least part of the time is the best way to keep the peace. That would be Perfectly Proper, too, and might give you something to talk about once you reach your (quiet) destination.

Etiquetteer wishes both you and your Soft-Voiced Friend a safe and happy drive and a beautiful Thanksgiving.

*From Noel Coward: A Biography, by Phillip Hoare

Etiquetteer Reviews The Other Side of the Coin, by Angela Kelly LVO, Vol. 18, Issue 41

Angela Kelly has it all: brains, talent, know-how, a successful clothing line, recognition, and most important of all, a close working relationship bordering on friendship with the world’s most famous and beloved monarch, Queen Elizabeth II. Who would possibly want to murder her?

Etiquetteer greatly enjoyed Ms. Kelly’s new book The Other Side of the Coin: The Queen, the Dresser and the Wardrobe, which provides the unique insider’s look the public so loves at the daily operations of the British monarchy. But it definitely feels a bit show-offy, a bit the teacher’s pet polishing her halo in front of the class. Ms. Kelly shares with us the involved logistics of robing the Queen with the enormous velvet Robes of State, personally breaking in new shoes before the Queen has to wear them, and interesting stories about some of the Queen’s more memorable ensembles. But as Etiquetteer went deeper and deeper into the book, Ms. Kelly began to appear as one of those characters in Agatha Christie murder mysteries who gets murdered - because everyone has a motive. Or do they?

It’s not always easy to identify the suspects, as Ms. Kelly slaps out thick coats of praise for her staff and colleagues. Like Etiquetteer, she clearly believes in “Credit where it's due,” and it is a real pleasure to read her appreciation of her staff on the Dressers’ Floor, her colleagues in the Royal Household, and particular vendors. She names names in all the right ways, and even includes a photograph of her entire team on page 88. She proudly describes them as “the crème de la crème,” and Etiquetteer believes she means it. Mrs. Kelly also pays tribute to her predecessors, who taught her what she knows, including her mother.

She has also insulated herself, at least within the book, with more than a few testimonials and appreciations from colleagues, vendors, and even her grandchildren. It’s especially interesting to read what photographers share about working with Ms. Kelly on photo shoots with the Queen.

So . . . who could it be? Could it be the designer(s) whose designs were given a thumbs-down by Ms. Kelly in the presence of the Queen? Ms. Kelly makes it clear, more than a few times, that the Queen Comes First. And if someone’s opinions and feelings get a little bruised along the way due to her concern for the Queen’s appearance, that’s just too bad. In the chapter “Finding My Feet” Ms. Kelly confesses that she just doesn’t have a poker face. When finally invited to attend fittings with designers and being asked in front of them by the Queen for her opinion, Ms. Kelly fired both barrels. “Even worse, if the Queen asked my advice, I would be forced to dismiss an outfit in front of its designer, or the hat in front of its milliner. Her Majesty would never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even if I didn’t mind [emphasis Etiquetteer’s], and I would have to be honest about my opinion for her sake.” The result: a happy, more stylish Queen, and more possible murder suspects in the British fashion world.

Could it be the anonymous London couturier who, when Ms. Kelly visited incognito and asked to see things “on the rails,” did himself out of any Palace business by sneering that they were “couture, not retail?” Could it be the (again) anonymous Private Secretary in 2000 who tried to keep the Queen from wearing black to visit His Holiness the Pope so she could appear less funereal in a group photo with her Household afterward? Ms. Kelly gave him a deserved mauvais quart d’heure on the day, telling this now-panicked Private Secretary that the Queen would appear before the Pope in shocking pink. But she had secretly prepared a black day dress for Her Majesty, who was visibly relieved.

Could it be the ghost of Marion Crawford, the Queen’s childhood governess who was ostracized completely by the Royal Family after she published her own memoir, The Little Princesses: The Intimate Story of HRH Princess Elizabeth and HRH Princess Margaret by Their Governess? Indeed, how many members of the Royal Household must be seething right now, casting “loving glances” at Ms. Kelly, profiting thus from her royal appointment by unique privilege? Are these the colleagues who gave her the nickname “AK47,” which Ms. Kelly writes she “takes as a compliment,” but might cut both ways?

Could it be one of the (unnamed) former Palace staff whose memoirs Ms. Kelly takes time to discredit? At the start of the chapter “The Queen’s Wardrobe,” she swipes at those who “are prone to making suggestions and sharing supposed details about the Queen’s private rooms, when they actually have no iinsight whatsoever . . . There will always be people who will say anything for attention.”

Of course Etiquetteer hopes Ms. Kelly isn’t really bumped off, though one can see how her flashes of self-aggrandizement might tempt others to get her out of the way. But The Other Side of the Coin still delights. With exuberance and reverence, Ms Kelly shares with us the logistics of handling enormous Robes of State, anecdotes from overseas Royal tours, and her creative process in designing the Queen’s outfits for specific occasions. It’s an engaging, well-illustrated account, throughout which the author constantly reminds the reader that Some Things Cannot Be Told.

Mrs. Kelly portrays herself, flatteringly, in several roles: designer, leader, fighter, and courtier/confidante. Fashionistas, and those who simply love clothes, will be most interested in her stories about particular garments and what led to them. An advance visit to a mosque, for instance, led to the creation of a cloth-of-gold coat with colorful beading inspired by the site. To create the perfect outfit for Her Majesty requires considering the season, time of day, specific occasion, requirements (for instance, will the Queen have to give a speech or not, etc.), what was worn on previous visits, and of course Her Majesty’s comfort. Mrs. Kelly’s achievements have kept the Queen up to date “without,” as Mrs. Archer put it in The Age of Innocence, “appearing in advance of the fashion.”

From an etiquette standpoint, Ms. Kelly includes some fun Court-specific tidbits, such as educating a jeweler that it isn’t Perfectly Proper to refer to the Queen Mother as '“mum.” Early in her Palace career there was some confusion about whether, as a divorcée, she should be known as Miss or Mrs. Kelly. (She chose Miss, to eliminate questions about her marital status.) At Sandringham, once the Queen has chosen what to wear for dinner, a notice is pinned in the “Dressers’ Corridor” to alert houseguests who might be uncomfortable showing up wearing the same color. (Ms. Kelly makes clear that the Queen wouldn’t really mind if that actually happened.) We’ll never have to worry about these things in our own daily lives, but oh, how the public loves these little details of Court life.

This is Ms. Kelly’s second book. Let’s hope the sequel isn’t Murder in the Queen’s Wardrobe!