Dear Etiquetteer:
So many of my young relatives and friends have chosen to construct their families by the simple expedient of living together, without the ... benefit? ... necessity? ... legality? ... of matrimony.
I do not judge them unfavorably, since a loving, caring, committed relationship is not guaranteed by marriage. However, I (and they) are sometimes stymied by how to describe the relationship.
We all agree that "this is my girlfriend/boyfriend, and these are the teenaged children we bore and raised together" falls far short of describing the family they enjoy together. When I suggest that the old word "leman" be brought back into general usage, the complaint arises that "leman" sounds an awful lot like "lemon."
Is there a modern equivalent to the very useful term that means "a love-interest companion of long-standing, to whom one is not married" -- other than "mistress" or "sugar daddy"? Thank you for your consideration of the matter.
Dear Addressing:
Etiquetteer has to agree with your young friends that leman is too obscure to make a comeback*. While to your friends it called to mind lemon, Etiquetteer first remembered Lymon, and then thought of a lemur. Somehow none of those terms seem to inspire thoughts of romantic love.
At least “baby daddy” isn’t one of the terms you considered, since that term implies that the Man in Question is no longer in the relationship**. Back in the 1970s (it was the 1970s, wasn’t it?) when the whole “Live together first!” movement was starting, there was a feeble attempt to make POSSLQ (pronounced POSS-el-kew) the standard. An acronym meaning Person of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters, of course it collapsed under the weight of its own cuteness. It is really too bad that the word “lover” just won’t cut it. Etiquetteer thinks it would be perfect***, but too many other people associate it with adultery.
In the 21st century, of course, a gender-neutral term is needed that can encompass relationships between same-sex and opposite-sex partners. “Life partner” would seem to be the best fit, and Etiquetteer encourages you to run that by your young friends.
*And, as it happens, one of its definitions is “mistress,” which we agree is an implication to be avoided.
**It’s also a popular song.
***Etiquetteer is also, let’s face it, biased in its favor because of Merle Oberon’s delivery of the line “He was a man. He was my lover!” in 1934’s The Scarlet Pimpernel.