Etiquette in the News, Vol. 18, Issue 40

There certainly has been a lot of news lately about different aspects of Perfect Propriety, both ridiculous and quite serious. Etiquetteer will comment on just a few today.

First off, Massachusetts state representative Daniel Hunt filed a bill to make use of the B-word a fineable offense. Filed on behalf of a constituent who one hopes meant well, this is the sort of Nice Gesture that can’t be executed efficiently. Yes, it would be Perfectly Proper for people not to call each other Nasty Names*, but this sort of language policing isn’t an efficient use of government. Social condemnation is the best way to convey that name-calling Isn’t Nice. Rep. Hunt has taken a lot of profane criticism for his sponsoring of this bill, but he seems to be taking it in the proper spirit.

Perhaps the most attention has been given to the pallbearer at the funeral of Rep. Elijah Cummings who refused to shake hands with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. (This account, while using some sensationalist language, provides the pallbearer’s motivations.) It’s interesting to reflect that so much of 19th-century etiquette, and earlier, had to do with cutting people socially. (Remind Etiquetteer to delve into this a bit more deeply another time, will you please?) Just about the worst thing that could happen to someone was to be told “Sir, I do not know you” and thereafter be ignored - or to have one’s profferred hand refused. (And to experience it is horrifying; it happened to Etiquetteer once.) This may surprise you, but Etiquetteer will not condemn the behavior. It’s an acceptable tool in the Perfect Propriety Cupboard. But, like that large piece of Good Silver you bring out every once in awhile, it’s only for Special Occasions and should be used sparingly.

A grandmother-to-be was killed when an explosive device for a gender-reveal party fatally malfunctioned. Etiquetteer can only express sympathy with this family, who obviously didn’t expect or seek this outcome. But this tragedy is a message to other families to dial down the level of spectacle they think is needed for This Sort of Thing. Gender reveal parties are no longer new, having become popular only ten years ago or so. The first device used to reveal a baby’s gender at such a party was a cake. Etiquetteer likes that idea, not just because it’s usual for birthdays, but also because it won’t explode. Of course you want your own gender-reveal occasion to be Different and Exciting. Etiquetteer wants to remind you that it already is, because it’s yours and not someone else’s. Please, cancel the pyrotechnics and call up a talented baker.

Finally, President Trump was roundly booed at a baseball game, including the chant of “Lock him up! Lock him up!” President Trump is hardly the first world leader to be booed in public; heckling rather comes with the job. And he at least responded appropriately, by not responding at all. But as he has encouraged fellow citizens to direct such behavior at his opponents in the past, Etiquetteer couldn’t help but remember the teachings of his Dear Mother, which included “As ye sow, so shall ye reap.”** It could also be said that Karma is a B**** . . . but Etiquetteer doesn’t want to get in trouble with Rep. Hunt’s constituent.

*You should just see the hairy eyeball Etiquetteer is casting at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much right now! He ought to have his mouth washed out with soap . . .

**Biblical sources for this Old Saying include Galatians 6:7 and II Corinthians 9:6, the the phrasing is different.

Drinking in Photos, Vol. 18, Issue 39

Dear Etiquetteer:

What is the status of the “never be photographed with a drink in your hand” rule? Some people think it applies only to “ladies”, but during my years working in government none of the elected officials I worked for — male or female — would be caught glass in hand if they could help it. (Even making a toast!)

Dear Temperate:

Your query immediately reminded Etiquetteer of Letitia Baldrige’s story about Senator Jack Kennedy at the 1957 Tiffany Ball in Newport.* The up-and-coming young senator knew that Life wanted photos of him and his wife, but he didn’t want to be photographed holding a drink. “See to that, will you?” he asked Tish, who firmly told him NO. “This is a public place. If you want to leave a lily-white impression of yourself in the public’s mind, you are simply going to have to get through the evening without a drink in your hand. Or else hide it under the table.” That must be what he did, ‘cause none of his photos featured a drink.

Etiquetteer is unaware of the origin of this rule; perhaps it got started with the advent of café society after World War I when paparazzi were starting to photograph everyone at nightclubs. It’s so easy to share a photograph of someone holding a cocktail and start a rumor about “holding their liquor” or some such Vicious Innuendo. (Of course now with the double-edged miracle of Photoshop, any photograph could be doctored to include anything . . . )

Those With Reputations to Protect - which seems mostly to be politicians and preachers** - remain wise to behave circumspectly in public. That means not overindulging in alcohol or other mind-altering substances. Bay Staters will remember the 1999 scandal of Massport director Peter Blute returning from an office “booze cruise” to be photographed with a topless blonde on the gangway. He had been seen “drinking beers and champagne” on board with a lobbyist; had he been drinking less, his reflexes might have avoided the “photo op” with the blonde.

And indeed, those drinking at professional functions need to remember that they are representing their employers. It’s wise to know your limits, which could be two or three drinks, or none. Etiquetteer knows a couple companies with a “one drink maximum” rule for their employees, and it’s sound advice. When you hear yourself saying “maxshimum,” it’s already too late. Leave.

In conclusion, it’s best to remember Mr. Bellamy’s instructions to Anne Welles in Valley of the Dolls: “You won’t have a hangover, because during this thrilling evening you will have sipped one sherry and you will remember everything I have said.” That’s how to get ahead in business without really trying!

*Which she tells so wonderfully in A Lady, First on page 153.

** So many entertainers seem to feel it's in their best interest to compromise their reputations nowadays . . .

One-Sided Conversations, Vol. 18, Issue 38

Dear Etiquetteer:

How do I go about encouraging new acquaintances to take as much interest in my stories as I take in theirs?

I am a very good listener, I am frequently told. I work at it. I smile, I nod, I ask appropriate questions. It’s not hard for me to do because I am genuinely interested, most of the time.

The problem is I rarely find myself in reciprocal conversations. While I hear many details about a new acquaintance’s life, he or she rarely has many questions or shows much interest when I start to tell my own story. This is a phenomenon that happens over and over again when speaking with new acquaintances, or when recent acquaintances become friends on second or third visits.

I do not believe that I am I dolt. I know how to keep a story lighthearted. I can get a laugh when I want to. I watch for interest in the eyes and body language of my listener. I am not a shut-in or an ignoramus. I have quite an interesting life with occasional adventures. Why do people fail to ask me about myself?

In many cases, when I start to tell a story, individuals suddenly respond in some remotely related manner and make the story all about themselves.

How do I keep the conversation focused on my stories for part of the time? I do not want to dominate the conversation, but I do want to have a part in it.

Dear Conversing:

Etiquetteer must agree that you are a not a dolt. No dolt would have written a letter as thoughtful as this. But whoever came up with “Virtue is its own reward” gave us a raw deal. We need to find a sensitive way to get you the reciprocal attention needed for Good Social Intercourse.

No matter what people tell you, everyone wants an audience. An attentive audience. Not the sort of audience you’re facing. Perhaps this is why you draw new acquaintances around you, because you exhibit all the good listener skills you list: smiling, nodding, asking the right questions. Being a Silent Example of Perfect Propriety, however, doesn’t always get the right results. Etiquetteer thinks this is because storytellers get so excited about sharing something that they cease to pay attention to what’s going on except as it creates an opening for them to dive in.*

These storytellers, your new acquaintances, need to be called out gently. If they’re interrupting, you need to say something like “Before we get into that, please let me me finish what I was saying. I think it relates nicely” or even “Please don’t interrupt. This won’t take long.” If you’ve had to put up with a Great Deal of Interruption, Etiquetteer will allow you to say, gently but firmly “You know, I’ve been very attentive to what you’ve had to say. I’d like to finish my story now.” The formally inclined could include “Pray do me the courtesy of hearing me out."

When encountering the inattentive, the classic admonitions still work: “You don’t seem very interested in what I have to say” or, more candidly, “I’m afraid I’m boring you.” In each case, your acquaintance should then turn to you with equal attention, and Etiquetteer believes that most will. Those who don’t, Etiquetteer is sorry to say, are simply unworthy of you. Direct your attention to others who show some conversational give and take.

Etiquetteer wishes you new acquaintances who are both attentive and fascinating in equal measure.

*Etiquetteer has had to roll his eyes and put out a restraining hand with That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who has been known to get Quite Jumpy about sharing Important Reminiscences when others have the floor.

Democratic Debate Fashions, Vol. 18, Issue 37

Etiquetteer did watch the latest debate of the record-size class of presidential candidates from the Democratic Party last night. Rather than look at position statements (which so many Qualified and Unqualified Pundits are doing anyway), Etiquetteer would rather look at the fashion statements the candidates made.

Turning first to the gentlemen, we saw plenty of evidence that the standard uniform for a (male) World Leader remains the dark suit with a necktie. Etiquetteer fears that a candidate will never capture the heartland while wearing a bow tie. But that also makes the omission of a necktie just a bit too cavalier for Etiquetteer’s taste. If Andrew Yang can’t even figure out how to put on a necktie, how can he figure out how to run a country?

Another standard piece of fashion advice is that your clothes are there to emphasize who you are, not vice versa. As Auntie Mame memorably said to Agnes Gooch, “Put down that lime green [dress] at once. You’re supposed to dominate it!” Etiquetteer personally had no problem with Tom Steyer’s red plaid necktie, but the fact that most mentions of him post-debate seem to be about his tie isn’t a good sign. The same goes for Andrew Yang’s MATH pin; more people are talking about (and buying) his pins than his positions.

Etiquetteer was amused to see on Twitter that a few people called out Pete Buttigieg and Beto O’Rourke for wearing the same outfit. Granted, their lighter-than-navy-blue neckties were one or two shades different, but to Etiquetteer it’s a sign that the Democratic Party needs to diversify its palette. (Of course, neither of these candidates would be the type to break out in “Paris Original” from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying . . .)

Turning now to the ladies, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard made sure that everyone would notice her by wearing an all-white pantsuit. Now Etiquetteer understands the important place that the white pantsuit has as a feminist symbol, and if that was her reason for wearing it, Etiquetteer respects that. But it didn’t read that way. Instead it had the effect of a rather last-ditch ploy for attention from a candidate that hasn’t been able to get anywhere. Her entrance made Etiquetteer think about what happened to Bette Davis in Jezebel after wearing that ill-considered red dress. Was Gabbard’s white pantsuit improper? No, not really, but it put the focus on her fashion and not on her qualifications for office. What the other ladies wore on stage was unremarkable - and that’s a good thing.

One non-fashion Matter of Manners that Etiquetteer noted was the issue of shaking hands as the candidates entered befor the start of the debate. One of the difficulties of having a dozen candidates is that ordinary courtesy, like shaking hands, becomes difficult and drawn out. Rather than take up time unnecessarily by “working the line” to shake hands, as some candidates did, Etiquetteer would rather have seen them shake the hands of the two or three candidates nearest to them and then nod generally to everyone else. Just as dignified, looks less awkward, and takes less time. Tulsi Gabbard and Julian Castro got gold stars from Etiquetteer for how they handled this.

Lastly, Etiquetteer wants to give Cory Booker the Miss Congeniality Award for his brief admonitions for the assembly to play nicely together.

"Irish" Greetings, or Unwelcome Social Kissing, Vol. 18, Issue 36

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have recently become friendly with a gentleman who is a bit older than me and is bartender at a restaurant near where I work. I tend to go every Friday and I see him every time, but he is one of the best bartenders I have ever had. Very professional, polite, and knows wine and beer well. He also gives me free chowder and desserts sometimes. I would say we are friends or on that level. We sometimes chat in between the slow times and busy times. Since I have been going to the same spot, and have the same drink, the bartender and I have become friendly but on a professional yet casual level. We talk about how each of our families are, weekend plans, etc. As a nice gesture I mentioned how we should grab coffee sometime just to chat and hang out like any normal person would do.

So that time of grabbing coffee came and things kind of took a turn. When I entered the coffee shop he greeted me with a handshake like he always does, and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Now he does not know that I have a boyfriend, but I did mention that I did several times while we were talking. Just to make sure there was no confusion. I did not tell him prior to this coffee hang out only because I felt that was more on the personal level and I do not share that information with strangers. I find I need to get to know them a little better before sharing more personal information. Regardless, I was so taken back by this kiss on the cheek that I had to clear the air and ask if this was a typical Irish greeting since he is from Ireland and goes back and forth a lot or if this was something else. He said it was just a greeting but then I said again “Well I am dating someone” and it was fine from there.

When it was time to leave he did it again! So I ask you, is this normal or an Irish custom to kiss someone on the cheek every time you greet them or say goodbye? How would one handle this? I don't want to lose him as a friend or have the dynamic change just because I have a boyfriend but how do you handle something like this?

Thank you!

Dear Greeted:

There are so many interesting dynamics in play in your situation: customer/employee, female/male, younger/older. Your Irish Bartender’s professional rapport led you to initiate a personal friendship, which is perfectly fine. A friendship outside the workplace (in this case, his workplace, the bar), does allow people to relax and reveal more of themselves than they might in the workplace. Your Irish Bartender’s personality, if not cultural tradition, expresses friendship in a physical way that it doesn’t when he’s behind the bar. Obviously you weren’t expecting that. Etiquetteer doesn’t find anyone at fault here; let’s figure out a way to keep you comfortable while nurturing a new friendship.

Many old customs are being reevaluated in the #MeToo era, including social kissing. While social kissing has been going on forever and should in no way compromise romantic relationships*, the old rule is that a gentleman never forces his attentions on a lady. If a lady doesn’t want to be kissed, that should be the end of it. (Many women object to social-type kissing in professional settings, especially when initiated by men**. And they’re speaking up. If we’re gonna treat everyone in the workplace equally, then nobody gets kissed, or everybody does. And since male-male social kissing is not the norm in American culture, then we know exactly how that’s gonna play out in the workplace***.)

The time-honored emergency solution to deflect an unwanted kiss is to avert one’s face so that the kisser ends up kissing the side of one’s head. Once, as a result of this method, Etiquetteer ended up kissing someone’s ear. That definitely sends a message to knock off the kissing! Etiquetteer has also known ladies who “head one off at the pass” by taking a step back and offering a Strong Forthright Handshake. (Ladies - and gentlemen - you are invited to share your own tips for avoiding unwanted embraces by emailing Etiquetteer.)

You mentioned this to the Irish Bartender twice now at your first coffee meetup, and Etiquetteer would encourage you to give him one more meetup to see if he’s paying attention to your aversion. If he isn’t, offer him your ear (no, Etiquetteer is not kidding) or the Strong Forthright Handshake (you need to be standing for that) and see if he gets the message. If he does, great, but remain vigilant at subsequent one-on-ones. If not, you can make the choice of telling him kindly “I know you’re just being friendly and I am enjoying getting to know you as a friend, but I’m just not comfortable with social kissing,” reverting to your professional relationship at the bar, or seeing him on a friendly basis in a group setting with other friends of yours (and perhaps your boyfriend).

Etiquetteer wishes you and your Irish Bartender Friend a successful and strong friendship based on respect for personal boundaries.

One last note: people, if you are going to kiss socially, please do so silently. Making that mwah mwah sound is Just Not Perfectly Proper. Mercy goodness, if they’re doing it on Real Housewives of South Boston it couldn't possibly be Perfectly Proper!

*Whereas a kiss on the lips is too intimate for casual social kissing. President Jimmy Carter famously broke protocol and kissed Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother on the lips. She remarked later that “Nobody has done that since my husband died.” Her remark was given in such a way to show that she was not eager for a repeat.

**And sometimes men are, too. Ask a Manager offers advice to a male manager disturbed about colleagues greeting his male staffer with a handshake and his female staffer with a two-cheek kiss.

***That said, Etiquetteer initiated a lot of two-cheek kissing (of ladies) in the workplace Back in the Day, especially when working in the performing arts, where (it could be argued) it’s more usual. Indeed, it was while working at a ballet company that the balletomanes taught Etiquetteer the difference between the French method of cheek kissing (two kisses, left then right) and the Italian method (three kisses, left right left). But, as Edith Wharton used to say, “Autre temps, autre moeurs.”

Perfect Propriety on Board the Queen Mary II, Vol. 18, Issue 35

First, let’s talk about what there wasn’t.

• There was no passenger wearing a yachting cap and a double-breasted blue blazer with brass buttons.

• There was no passenger list. (It would have been as large as a phone book.)

• There was no Boat Train.

• There was no bouillon at 11:00 AM.

• There was no one muffled up in furs and plaid steamer rugs on a deck chair.

• There was no one who said “No one ever dresses the first night out” . . . not even Etiquetteer.

• There was no bugler!

What was there instead? A Perfectly Proper crossing on Cunard’s flagship liner Queen Mary II from Southampton to New York - not quite like the old days, but ideally adapted to the needs of 21st-century travelers while celebrating the traditions of the legendary liners.

In the old days, there would be a Boat Train from Victoria Station down to Southampton for passengers and their mountains of baggage. Now Cunard offers a motorcoach (from another part of Victoria Station) which has the advantage of being able to drive right up to the ship. The romance of train travel has been sacrificed to convenience, but frankly, it was the correct move to make.

For the uninitiated, a crossing dffers from a cruise in that one crosses the Atlantic Ocean from one point to another without scenic detours. A crossing is the last relic of pre-airplane travel by ship, when one traveled to get someplace and not just for pleasure. Now, travelers do cross just for pleasure, so the swift crossing has given way to a leisurely voyage of one week*.

In practice, a transatlantic crossing differs very little from a cruise. Activities and classes abound, from bridge lessons and dance classes to trivia contests in the pub. Shipboard entertainment runs the gamut, from lectures on Atlantic pirates in history to high-energy violinists and close-harmony quartets to the English National Ballet (!). Justly famous for its galas, Cunard schedules fully 50% of the nights at sea as black tie.

Tea in the Queen’s Room.

The pinnacle of all this, of course, for true traditionalists, would be the daily service of afternoon tea in the Queen’s Room, with live musical accompaniment. Cunard’s famous afternoon tea, with flocks of waiters moving from table to table with teapots, and then sandwiches (yes, cucumber sandwiches! Also smoked salmon, also egg, also . . . beetroot . . . ), and then tiny pastries, and then the eagerly expected scones with clotted cream and jam. The elegance of the occasion is marred only by the scrum of passengers “eager to get a good seat.”

For Etiquetteer that usually means a table alone. Cunard will actually allow single parties to sit by themselves (except at dinner). And that’s fine for breakfast and luncheon, but it is just a bit too exclusive (not to say ostentatious) for a single traveler to commandeer sole use of a tea table when so many others have to wait. Over the course of the voyage Etiquetteer welcomed and was welcomed by couples who were just as happy to be on board and also had something to contribute to the conversation.

Gal Pal Hilary (as Edna St. Vincent Millay) and Hot Walker Etiquetteer on Roaring Twenties Gala Night.

And let’s face it, conversation with strangers is going to be a big part of any voyage. Food is just an excuse for conversation; come to the table prepared to talk, and listen. Etiquetteer had the unexpected delight of traveling with a Gal Pal from Days Gone By, by happy coincidence booked on the same crossing. This put Etiquetteer in the traditional role of Hot Walker, and provided a helpful conversation starter.

WHAT TO WEAR

Now let’s face it: This Sort of Voyage exists for Those Who Love to Dress Up. The advance materials sent by Cunard go into great detail about what is meant by “black tie” and what is meant by “smart attire.” Guidance on luggage specifies that passengers may bring as much luggage as can fit in your stateroom, but Etiquetteer really does recommend traveling simply rather than spaciously. What’s most important is that you enter into this in a Perfectly Proper spirit of fun. Believe that it’s fun to dress up, and it will be! After 6:00 PM, especially in the first half of the voyage, it’s enjoyable to see how everyone appears for the evening meal. If you can’t enter into this in the proper spirit, you may confine yourself to the buffet.

Of course there’s no Dress Code Enforcement Officer rushing about handing out violations. And that’s a good thing. But Etiquetteer did witness - how to say this? - some moments of carelessness. The fashion of the Untucked Shirt has no place among tuxedos. A ball gown with a bib of diamonds looks out of place on a “smart attire” night when the other ladies are dressed informally. A debate about the formality of seersucker left Etiquetteer at a loss, when advocating for a Perfectly Proper position - that seersucker is not a fabric for formal occasions - would have appeared to embarrass the charming gentleman who chose to wear it instead of a tuxedo**.

On the last gala night, Etiquetteer ended up chatting with two gentlemen dressed in lederhosen. Apparently they’d received a couple Raised Eyebrows for appearing in costume, and had enlisted the aid of a European crew member to justify wearing them for formal occasions. Etiquetteer murmured sympathetically, but took note that neither of these Distinctive Gentleman was actually from Bavaria or Austria. It’s perhaps a wee bit disingenuous to think that most other passengers wouldn’t consider that fancy dress***.

One gentleman who did make a splash throughout the voyage wore suits and matching accessories, including elaborate jewels, in vivid monochromes. While conforming with the letter of the dress code, his own spirit flew widely within the rainbow! His appearance was eagerly anticipated everywhere.

You have no idea the agony Etiquetteer is suffering in this photo. Mammy could not get it to eighteen and a half inches again.

Etiquetteer’s black tie put him in the position of Uncle Matthew in Nancy Mitford’s amusing novel Love in a Cold Climate. “ . . . with many groans, he had squeezed himself into the knee breeches of his youth, now so perilously tight that he hardly dared sit down, but stood like a stork beside Aunt Sadie’s chair . . .” Etiquetteer’s 2019 waistline put up a good fight against Etiquetteer’s 2000 tuxedo trousers (which had already been let out as much as possible). This resulted in behavior associated with corsets: a glassy stare, languid walk, and vigilant posture. Alas, that didn’t keep Etiquetteer from enjoying the sumptuous meals.

Sparkling wine on arrival for a private bon voyage toast.

But on the last gala night, Etiquetteer managed a sort of reprieve. The theme was Roaring Twenties, and Etiquetteer’s new peacock waistcoat - how to say this? - concealed a multitude of sins. This gala was enjoyed in a State of Reduced Constraint.

About to clear the Verrazano-Narrow Bridge, and not a bathrobe in sight.

The most deshabillé moment of the voyage was the pre-dawn gathering to witness the ship clearing the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge. About 200 passengers gathered on the top deck after 4:00 AM for this exciting event, at least a dozen in bathrobes - and it was not always clear if there was anything underneath them but the passenger.

SPECIAL FEATURES

Etiquetteer attended a wine pairing luncheon in the Verandah Steakhouse (if this was the Titanic, the Verandah Steakhouse would have been the à la carte restaurant run by Ritz) of four courses with eight (!) wines. The sommelier, equally at home with words as well as wines, had clearly developed an obvious following among frequent travelers not only for his flawless pairings, but for the witty way he shared information about them.

Etiquetteer also indulged in, of all things, an acupuncture massage in the Canyon Ranch Spa. An acupuncture novice, Etiquetteer took note of how some needles were completely without feeling, while one or two others provided a pronounced pinch. While Etiquetteer is not prone to seasickness, it was interesting while lying on one side on a massage table to feel the motion of the ship.

Entertainment-wise, musicians seemed to be playing constantly all over the ship, whether at scheduled times in the many lounges or giving performances in one of the theatres. The headline act for this crossing was, of all things, stars of the English National Ballet. Ballet dancing on a moving ocean liner?! Yes indeed! Etiquetteer made it only to a Q&A with one of the dancers (the ship’s entertainment director is a skilled interviewer, and James Streeter, the soloist, a dancer of engaging and articulate humility) and the Company’s final performance. This consisted of a candy-box of pas de deux both classical and modern - and well worth the trip all by itself.

A midafternoon indulgence in Sir Samuel’s, a concession run by Godiva. Is it any wonder Etiquetteer had difficulty squeezing into those trousers?!

TIPPING

A Cruel Person Etiquetteer once knew said “You only tip if you’re goin’ back!” This is not only Not Perfectly Proper, it is Very Bad and Wrong. The Deity of Your Choice will correct this in a process called Karma which will leave Tipping Scofflaws basted with flaming coals by devils in the afterlife. If you’re going to sail on a Big Ship, accept in advance, and in your heart, that There Will Be Tipping.

Possibly to minimize the impact of Tipping Scofflaws, cruise lines implemented automatic charges to onboard passenger accounts and then distributed among the crew. Cruise Critic researched policies at a variety of cruise lines. Frommer’s offers helpful information on cruise line tipping. Cunard explains their policy beautifully. So in theory that should take care of everything.

In theory.

But all sorts of opportunities are provided to tip the crew; Cunard’s own guidelines conclude “Naturally, you are free to tip any member of the crew over and above these amounts, at your discretion.” And Etiquetteer does advise this, especially if a crew member has performed a special service or gone out of his/her way to assist you. Etiquetteer’s steward, for instance, was johnny-on-the-spot with a pair of scissors when needed - more than once. The wine steward’s recommendation to attend the wine tasting luncheon led to one of the best experiences on shipboard.

There is an additional way to acknowledge good service (that does not replace tipping), at least on Cunard ships, by leaving what Etiquetteer will call “love notes.” The purser’s desk can supply pre-printed cards for the purpose, which you may sign or keep anonymous. Be sure to include the name of crew member and their function and be specific about how they made your voyage better. Since it is so often easier to complain than compliment, Etiquetteer encourages passengers to take the time to share something nice. It makes a difference.

Etiquetteer could not recommend a transatlantic crossing more highly to those who value Tradition, Formality, Fun, and Perfect Propriety. This crossing turned out to be the perfect combination of them all.

The Atlantic at sunset.

*The record for a crossing was set by SS United States in 1952: three days, 12 hours, and 12 minutes.

**To Etiquetteer’s surprise, Gentleman’s Gazette uncovered a Perfectly Proper seersucker tuxedo, but you’ll observe that it’s solid black, not the usual pastel-and-white stripe. Their report continues that seersucker dinner jackets first became fashionable in the early 1960s, and cite Joseph Cotten’s seersucker evening jacket from Hush . . . Hush, Sweet Charlotte as an example.

***Besides, there are all kinds of rules about how to wear die Tracht with Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer gathers that it shouldn’t be approached casually.

Black Tie for Clergy, Vol. 18, Issue 34

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am a Pentecostal clergyman that works ecumenically and I’ve been invited to an award banquet gala of a large Catholic charity. There will be several Cardinals, Bishops, Priests, Monks, Deacons and Nuns in attendance. Many from the Vatican. All in their formal attire and bedazzled with their religious accoutrements.

Within my tradition, we don’t wear clothing different from our laity. In the pulpit the older preachers/pastors wear a nice business suit with tie, while younger clergy may with an open dress shirt or polo shirt and jeans To a wedding we wear a black suit with tie. To a black tie event, would we wear a current trend/style tuxedo? How should I dress for this “Black Tie Event”? I always wear a small gold lapel pin with the name of the ecumenical nonprofit faith-based organization with which I’m affiliated.

Should I wear a tuxedo with black tie? Can I wear a banded color with pretty buttons and no tie? I really want to wear my gold lapel pin in, since I’m there regarding my work . . .

What say you?

Dear Clergyman:

Since your religious tradition seems not to include a uniform, Etiquetteer sees no difficulty in your wearing a conservative black tuxedo with modest accessories to the banquet. Gentleman’s Gazette published an interesting piece on clerical formal wear for Catholic and Anglican clergy, with illustrations, that might give you an idea of how your fellow banqueters may appear.

Conservative clothing, especially for formal occasions, tends to raise fewer eyebrows for the clergy. So Etiquetteer must advise you to consider a traditional black bow tie and waistcoat with a traditional pleated shirt and the plainest possible cufflinks and shirt studs. Banded collars that substitute some sort of jewel for a bow tie - well, Etiquetteer’s not a fan. And it sounds as though you’ll be traveling in some Heavily Bejeweled Company that night. You wouldn’t want anyone to have the uncharitable thought “Well, if that’s the best he could do . . . “

Discreet lapel pins may be worn with black tie, so by all means wear your usual pin in the buttonhole on your left lapel. It’s worth noting here, too, that Perfect Propriety demands only one lapel pin. Loading up one’s lapels like “flairs” on a waiter’s vest diminishes one’s formality.

You didn’t ask, but Etiquetteer does hope that you will encourage your younger colleagues in the clergy to make more of an effort with their “Sunday go to meeting” clothes. While it is most necessary in Christian traditions to avoid the sins of Pride and Vanity*, Etiquetteer was brought up by his father to show respect to the Deity and to the tradition of public worship by attending in a suit and tie. And it will help to establish their appearance of your younger colleagues as leaders in the church community.

Etiquetteer wishes you a beautiful and Perfectly Proper evening at the banquet!

*This is good practice in general, whether you do or don’t follow a religious creed.

Attending Your Class Reunion, Vol. 18, Issue 33

Dear Etiquetteer:

I will be attending my 50th high school reunion on September 28 with my husband. I am anticipating about one hour of fun, and torture for anything longer than that. What is the proper way to excuse yourself from a party when you want to leave early without hurting anyone’s feelings?

Dear Reuniting:

First off, Etiquetteer has to confess to a weakness for reunions, so much so that That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much enjoys the distinction of being the only member of his high school class to have attended all its reunions. The purpose of any reunion worth its salt is to see old friends and make new ones, and so often the passage of time obscures earlier differences (much in the same way moss covers a disagreeable birth date on a tombstone.)* Shucks, Civil War veterans of both sides came together for reunions after 75 years! So Etiquetteer is very glad to hear that you are going to yours.

Your anxiety about going, though, is not uncommon. You can help assure yourself of a good time by calling some Friends of Bygone Days (in advance - start now!) to find out if they, too, are planning to come. Knowing in advance that people you know will also be there will help make you feel more comfortable. And if none of them can come, accept that a) you will have to talk to people you may not know well, and b) have some pleasant, non-confrontational topics at hand to start conversations. As at any dinner party, stay away from politics and religion (though if you went to a religious school, that might end up being the centerpiece of the night, including any fireworks).

The kind of event your school planned will influence an exit strategy. If it’s just a big general party, like a cocktail party, you should be able to duck out with a simple “We have to go on to something else tonight, but it was great to see you!” (The “something else” could be the safety of your recliner, but they don’t need to know that.) But if there’s a meal involved, especially if it’s a seated, somewhat formal dinner, it’s rude to leave before dessert. So if you’re already feeling antsy when dinner is announced, make your farewells then. But should you stay, as soon as you’ve bolted down your chocolate mousse, you can run for the door. Etiquetteer has witnessed a lot of college 50th reunions, and about one third of formal dinner attendees start leaving as soon as dessert is served. Etiquetteer is not a fan of feigning illness, but if worse comes to worst, you can put a pleading look in your eyes, turn to your husband, and say “Honey, I’m really not feeling very well. Please take me home.” The urgency of your illness will prevent any lengthy farewells.

Your husband is going to be an important part of your evening; be sure he is on board with your exit strategy in advance. You should also help him enjoy the evening by making introductions to old friends and classmates (and their spouses) who end up talking to you. One of the more awkward aspects of attending someone’s class reunion (when you aren’t also in the class) is having to stand watching your beloved having an animated conversation with someone who’s a total stranger to you - and you don’t even know their name! Everyone who goes to a class reunion - whether they graduated in the class (or didn’t!), married into it, were brought forth by it, or serve as caregivers to it - gets to have a seat at the table, so to speak.

Etiquetteer hopes and expects that you’ll end up having a much better time at your reunion than you anticipate. Please write back and let Etiquetteer know how it went.

*Read Dorothy Parker’s poem “The Actress” from Tombstones in the Starlight for more information.

Felt Hat Day 2019, Vol. 18, Issue 32

Once Labor Day has come, Felt Hat Day can’t be far behind. September 15 is now the established day when the Straw Hats of Summer are lovingly retired for the cooler seasons. (Don’t worry, Straw Hat Day on May 15 will be here before you know it. Here’s Etiquetteer’s earlier column on the history of Straw Hat Day.)

This year Etiquetteer strolled over to Salmagundi for a new felt hat, and got some great assistance. View the video above for Etiquetteer’s adventure into Autumnal Hattery.

With sadness, as always, the time has come to retire the straw hats.

Including beloved old hats that are only fit for gardening or the beach! Etiquetteer was given this fine-weave panama over a dozen years ago and, though it’s seen better days, Etiquetteer can’t bear to part with it.

A gentleman can never go wrong with black, and Etiquetteer will continue to step out in this traditional black fedora.

But this new gray fedora with black band goes perfectly with a long gray overcoat.

Online Behavior, Vol. 18, Issue 31

Dear Etiquetteer:

When, and how, and if, should I reply to rude behavior on social media? I'm thinking less of angry arguments, and more about proclamations of taste, made by closer friends and family, that insult those that do not share it. My preferred mode is silence, but not addressing it also makes me incredibly stressed and sometimes sad.

Dear Stressed and Sad:

When considering how to interact with someone whose public statements have offended you - or at least made you raise your eyebrows - the first thing to ask yourself is what outcome you want. If all you want is to express your own view, that’s one thing. If you want to change that person’s behavior, or at least make that person reconsider how they make others feel, that’s another. Regardless, you need to acknowledge to yourself that, no matter what you say, it’s possible that this person’s behavior will not change.

People often entrench themselves further in beliefs or behaviors if they feel publicly shamed. Etiquetteer can’t find that surprising; when attacked, one’s instinct is to defend one’s position. This makes a private approach less threatening, whether by email, private message via social media*, by letter, or even in person one on one**. Express yourself calmly (verbal pyrotechnics feel so satisfying, but don’t always help solve the problem) along the lines of “What you said about [Insert Issue Here] isn’t something I agree with. I may not change your mind, but I want to tell you why I think the way I think.” Then dispassionately state your case. Sometimes links to online references help; other times they give the appearance of hectoring. Use discernment.

It’s also important to point out that not everyone cares about what other people think, and not everyone cares about being polite. This always makes Etiquetteer think of Katharine Hepburn in “The African Queen:” “Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put on this earth to rise above.”

With that in mind, we have to accept that the reputation of Twitter is that of an online platform where Volanic Hurly-Burly is preferred over Civil Discourse. Think twice before engaging there. Yes, Etiquetteer is on Twitter - all the etiquette writers are - but engaging there only with Perfect Propriety!

*This is not quite the same thing as “sliding into the DMs!”

**This means not in a party setting, even just off in the corner.

One Last Moment for White Shoes in 2019

Tomorrow is Labor Day, the traditional time to put away white shoes for the colder seasons. Before treeing and bagging the beloved bucks, Etiquetteer wants to share one Last Hurrah Moment from an Elegant Summer Experience, crossing the Atlantic on the Queen Mary II.

Etiquetteer wishes you an elegant and Perfectly Proper autumn.

National Bow Tie Day, Vol. 18, Issue 30

“So, Etiquetteer, why a bow tie?” people will ask occasionally. “Why not wear a necktie - or just go without? All the kids are doing it!” Since today, August 28, for reasons passing understanding, has been declared National Bow Tie Day, it’s worth exploring.

Etiquette, at its foundation, is really about how people treat each other with courtesy and respect to ease the strains of daily life. Its structure could be considered the rules by which courtesy and respect are shown. But it’s the gingerbread decorating the structure that seems to get the most attention. Visions of etiquette often seem confined to afternoon tea, martinis . . . and bow ties. Bow ties are often considered frivolous to the point of effeteness. Come to think of it, that’s actually the attitude many people have about etiquette!

Obviously Etiquetteer was drawn to a Perfectly Proper bow from an early age (see above), and has continued to indulge in them in adulthood. Bow ties are whimsical rather than effete, and add a sense of fun to Perfect Propriety. Their real attraction, of course, is that not all gentlemen wear them, so a bow tie is more likely to stand out for the right reasons.

The only possible bow tie is one that one ties oneself. Having grown up with clip-ons, Etiquetteer had to learn to hand-tie a bow in an emergency situation. Read about that here. Another advantage: at the end of a long evening, a gentleman can increase his allure with an untied bow. (Admittedly this often looks best in a diner after prom.) That is not a look that can be achieved with a necktie, and Etiquetteer continues to deplore the “innovation” of the last 20+ years of wearing a necktie with evening clothes. Stop it at once!

While a bow tie is Perfectly Proper every day, it’s doubly so on National Bow Tie Day. So dig one out, or place an order at Etiquetteer’s beloved Beau Ties Ltd. in Vermont, and add some Perfectly Proper Whimsy to your day. But because a bow tie is Perfectly Proper every day, Etiquetteer started celebrating early (see below).

"Full Canonicals," Summer Edition

Etiquetteer first read the expression”full canonicals” reading the diaries of Ellen Maury Slayden, that beloved Congressman’s wife between the wars*, sharply observant daughter of the blueblooded Maurys of Virginia. While its true meaning refers only to the clergy (“the complete costume of an officiating clergyman or ecclesiastic”), she used it a few times to refer to Congressional wives who appeared dressed in their very best day clothes to discuss Matters of Importance.

Etiquetteer has whimsically taken up the expression for his own wardrobe, and here is the summertime version of “full canonicals” for a Perfectly Proper gentleman:

Bostonian cognoscenti will of course recognize the doorway.

• Panama hat

• Seersucker suit

• White dress shirt (white is always the most formal)

• White bucks (note the novelty shoelaces of light blue; white is really more Perfectly Proper)

Traditionalists will be quick to point out the absence of a pocket square, so allow Etiquetteer to Beat Them to the Punch.

*The Spanish-American War and World War I, that is.

National (and International) Dog Day, Vol. 18, Issue 29

As it happens, August 26 is National Dog Day (also International Dog Day), designed to celebrate All Things Awesome about dogs and “to help galvanize the public to recognize the number of dogs that need to be rescued each year.” We’ve all heard the old saying “There are no bad dogs, only bad dog owners.” Etiquetteer would like to use the day to salute all the Good Dog Owners who make it a pleasure to interact with dogs. They keep their dogs on leashes when required, kindly set expectations with strangers when required (e.g. “Butch likes to be petted under his chin best” or “Fluffy doesn’t like children”), and most important, curb and clean up after their dogs.

Many of us have witnessed Bad Dog Owners; they are easily identified by their Blithe Disregard. We see them omitting Perfect Propriety from their walkies: indulgently allowing their Sweet Precious Darling to dash about off leash where it isn’t permitted, deliberately ignoring Darling’s droppings, or worse. As a concierge many years ago, Young Etiquetteer saw a gigantic poodle galloping into the lobby off her leash yards ahead of her Blithely Disregarding Owner, only to leave a sizeable Calling Card on the carpet right in front of the desk. Life changed forevermore after that for the Blithely Disregarding Owner!

Every Bad Dog Owner is not John Stapleton in The Hound of the Baskervilles, of course. Let’s continue to celebrate the Good Dogs and Good Dog Owners we know.

It’s ironic that, shortly after taking this photograph, Etiquetteer witnessed a Bad Dog Owner allowing his dog to soil a tombstone.

Signs of the Times, Vol. 18, Issue 28

Etiquetteer occasionally likes to run a photo essay of instructional signs seen out in the world.

No exceptions. Not even for a moment!

No sitting please!

A subtle invitation.

Hard times call for hard measures!

An example of the most abhorrent condescension.

Seen in London. Etiquetteer loves the words “antisocial driving” defining all driving that’s out of bounds.

Seen on the back of a restroom door. Clever placement!

A Gentleman's Jewelry, Vol. 18, Issue 27

In a week or so Etiquetteer will be embarking on a good old-fashioned transatlantic crossing aboard the Cunarder Queen Mary II. Rummaging about in the family jewels for some Perfectly Proper Adornment led Etiquetteer to reflect on the Jewelry a Gentleman May Wear.

Let’s start with evening clothes. It’s almost useless to talk about what to wear with white tie, since the only gentlemen left wearing it are orchestra conductors, magicians, and summer stock companies of My Fair Lady. But what Etiquetteer was interested to learn from early editions of Emily Post is that a gentleman’s jewels were to be as inconspicuous as possible. So for white tie - which Mrs. Post refers to as “full evening dress” - a gentleman’s studs would be pearls* and his cufflinks involve mother-of-pearl, platinum, or white gold. Like good housekeeping, good jewels for white tie are what you don’t see.

A gentleman has freer range when wearing black tie - a tuxedo, once known properly only as a “dinner jacket” - but Mrs. Post was perhaps reluctant to stray far beyond a black-and-white palette. She specifies mother-of-pearl, platinum, and onyx. She also specifies “and all to match,” leaving Etiquetteer with a bit of a problem if you look at the photo above. Dear Father left behind a set of evening studs - what appears to be abalone or gray mother-of-pearl - thinly thinly edged with diamond chips - but not the matching cufflinks. Dare Etiquetteer add those enormous mother-of-pearl cufflinks to them, even though they don’t match and also belonged not to Dear Father but to Dear Mother?

Everywhere the emphasis is on conservative good taste. A gentleman’s jewelry is not flashy, is not complicated, is not heavily ornamented. Etiquetteer rather thinks that this is a bit of a reaction to some of the excesses of the 19th century, when gentlemen wore enormous rings as well as watchchains that dripped with fobs. Twentieth-century tastes became more streamlined and severe, especially for gentlemen. “Jewelry,” say the editors of 1953’s Esquire Etiquette, “if not plain, heavy and absolutely functional - is dangerous. The safest pieces are the least conspicuous ones . . . A ring is just about the only pretty that a man can wear without looking pretty-pretty himself . . . “ The idea being that a gentleman’s jewels proclaim their value not by their ornamentation, but by their materials.

In that same vein, gemstones for gentlemen are best if they are not faceted, but cut en cabochon. For those of us who missed French class that day, that basically means “in convex form without facets.” And a gentleman does not wear large stones, and a gentleman DOES NOT wear diamonds. Mrs. Post declared “In your jewelry let diamonds be conspicuous by their absence. Nothing is more vulgar than a display of them on a man’s shirt front, or on his fingers.” Walter Hoving of Tiffany & Co. famously refused to sell diamond rings for men. Could all this have been a cultural aversion to Known Vulgarians like “Diamond Jim” Brady?

Amy Vanderbilt, to Etiquetteer’s astonishment, contradicts this prohibition in her 1963 Amy Vanderbilt’s New Complete Book of Etiquette. Clearly a fan of heirlooms and a critic of the cheap, she surprisingly notes “In the West and Southwest many men, Eastern educated or not, wear a hefty diamond ring or stickpin perhaps as a status symbol. It is far from frowned upon because of its sartorial splendor.” But that might only be a Regional Affectation, and it might only work for Old Family Pieces. Later she advises “If any ill-advised woman should try to give a man a platinum chain with tiny diamonds between the links, he should return it to the jeweler who was talked into making it and go to Palm Beach on the proceeds or put them on the nearest fast horse.”

*Aficionados of Sunset Boulevard will immediately hear Norma Desmond saying to Joe Gillis “I want you to have a pearl, a big luscious pearl!” Now we know why.

Responding to Cluelessness, Vol. 18, Issue 26

Etiquetteer’s reader survey last spring yielded a few queries about how to handle cluelessness:

Dear Etiquetteer:

How should I deal with a boring talker?

Dear Etiquetteer:

How best to respond to others' rudeness and/or cluelessness?

Dear Etiquetteer:

When, and how, and if, can one reply to rude behavior on social media? I'm thinking less of angry arguments, and more about proclamations (made by closer friends and family) of taste that insult those that do not share it. My preferred mode is silence, but not addressing it also makes me incredibly stressed and sometimes sad.

Allow Etiquetteer to respond to all these queries as one:

Rumors to the contrary, there was never a Golden Age of Courtesy when everyone behaved with Perfect Propriety. The clueless have always been with us, but excluding them used to be easier (at least in theory). Certainly Victorian-era etiquette books were full of circumstances in which it was appropriate to “cut” someone, to exclude them from your circle, society, even your notice. The 21st century focuses more on inclusivity than exclusivity, but that’s still an uneasy place to be when people aren't aware of the impact their behavior has on others. (Now, if they are aware of how they’re making others feel and simply don’t care, they aren’t clueless. They’re sociopaths.)

Before we start talking about them, let’s talk about you. What’s your real purpose in bringing this up with the clueless? If it’s to express anger, don’t bother. Your anger means nothing, and letting someone know about it isn’t really going to make the situation any better. (This is especially true in Situations of Confinement like traveling by air, subway, car, etc.) You defuse the situation if you approach the clueless from the place of solving a problem, e.g. “I’m not mad at you, Helga, I’m mad at the dirt.”

Boring Talkers, also known as Gasbags or Windbags, show up everywhere.* Being long-winded doesn’t make someone bad, and if possible, their feelings should be spared. At parties, you can excuse yourself with a plea to visit the bar, or a feigned gasp and “There’s Bunbury across the room, and we’ve been working on something urgent. Let’s finish this later.” and then move away immediately. At the table it’s traditionally up to the hostess to direct conversation with a lightly rebuking “Now Reginald, that’s enough on that topic. Let’s talk about something else instead.” This works best when another topic is instantly recommended, and the hostess assigns another person to start talking about it. “But Beaureguard was just at the theatre, and I want to know what you thought about that production.”

For general rudeness/cluelessness, a helpful phrase to start off is “You may not realize this but . . .” and then go on, e.g.:

• “ . . . your backpack is blocking people from getting to the back of the train.”

• “ . . . the line actually starts back there.”

• “ . . . smoking isn’t allowed inside.”

• “ . . . everyone in the theatre can hear what you’re saying.”

• “ . . . no one in the audience is allowed to film the performance.”

Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother used to say “A word to the wise is sufficient,” but even the wise don’t like to feel called out. Prepare for some of these people to respond rudely, no matter how gently to raise the issue. Don’t escalate the situation. Let the Clueless know that they should know how their behavior is impacting others, and that you thought they’d want to know that.

Calling out Loved Ones on social media can be tricky, because it’s important to avoid making anyone feel Publicly Shamed. Use a private message to share how their post made you feel and why. Explain that you wanted to communicate privately because your Loved One might not be aware of other sides of the issue and you didn’t want them to feel called out. Do this in a way that doesn’t make you sound angry; that makes people defensive. Even if you don’t get the response you want, you will at least not be torturing yourself about not speaking out.

*You should just see the Ferocious Side-eye Etiquetteer is casting over at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much. He can gas on for centuries!)

Bow Tie Tuesday

Seersucker is still possible, even on a rainy summer day.

Black Tie Guidance, Vol. 18, Issue 25

Dear Etiquetteer:

We have been invited to a Black Tie wedding on the weekend after Labor Day, 4:30pm ceremony, reception to follow. We have not attended any black tie events for some time, and would appreciate any tips on attire that you might care to provide.

Specifically:

• I do not own a tuxedo, and intend to rent one. Is there anything I should know about pre-made black bow tie versus a tie-your-own black bow tie?

• Is a cummerbund necessary, and if so, are there any guidelines on black versus other colors, patterns, etc?

• Shoes: Is it mandatory to have black, highly polished, laced shoes that
  could be highly uncomfortable, or is it permissible to wear one's own black
  leather loafers that are a known comfortable option?

For my spouse:

• Does she need to wear a long, solid-colored gown, or is a long print gown acceptable?

• Is a cocktail dress suitable instead of a long gown?

Many thanks in advance for your advice.

Dear Invited:

Etiquetteer loves a good black-tie wedding, and is delighted to infer that the wedding invitation did not indicate “black tie optional,” which is such a cop out for gentlemen too lazy to get into a tuxedo. How pleasing that you are planning to wear one! Etiquetteer is happy to advise you.

A pre-tied bow tie on an adjustable strap with a hook is not nearly as Perfectly Proper as a bow tie you tie yourself. Practice makes perfect, as your parents taught you, so practice tying a bow tie a few times in the days before the wedding; this will eliminate any stress if you encounter difficulties while dressing on the wedding day.

You must wear either a cummerbund or a waistcoat. Black tie with just a belt will look incomplete and shoddy, not the impression you want to make. Etiquetteer is not a fan of cummerbunds (which doesn’t mean they aren’t Perfectly Proper) and frankly prefers a waistcoat. Unless the invitation indicated “Creative black tie” or some sort of wedding theme, it would be in the best of taste to choose a black waistcoat. Weddings call for conservative good taste (rumors to the contrary). You may also accessorize with an ancestor’s pocketwatch and chain, if you have them.

Now, about shoes. We must remember the words of Billy Crystal as Fernando Lamas, who famously said “It is more important to look good than to feel good.” Life may be too short to wear uncomfortable shoes - just ask any lady about high heels! - but a wedding is short enough to wear Perfectly Proper black patent leather laceups. Loafers were designed for loafing, which is by definition not a formal activity. That said, Etiquetteer understands your concern about a certain level of comfort; one doesn’t want to be seen hobbling out of the reception in agony because of one’s shoes. As you search about for some Perfectly Proper evening pumps, get some of those foam insert thingies to stick inside them. They will help keep you light on your toes.

Madame Your Wife could certainly wear a print gown instead of a solid, as long as she doesn’t Upstage the Bride - the most cardinal sin any wedding guest can commit. It is not unusual at black tie events to see ladies in gowns of all lengths, so a cocktail gown wouldn’t be out of place. But a long gown certainly lends more of a sense of Occasion, which a wedding certainly is - and Etiquetteer rather fancies that photographs taken of the two of you together will be that much more impressive.

Etiquetteer wishes you and Madame Your Wife much happiness on this Joyous Occasion!

People Want to Be Remembered, Vol. 18, Issue 24

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was talking to a friend not too long ago about this year’s recipient of the [Insert Academic Discipline Here] prize established at my late wife’s alma mater in her memory. She asked me if I had received a thank-you letter from him. I told her I had not, and that I have never received one, which prompted her to comment that she felt it was a breach of etiquette. Whether or not students who receive scholarships or prizes should be expected to contact the families responsible for them directly, I think there is a need for people to better understand how to courteously treat each other.

Dear Unthanked:

A long time ago, Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother attended a church meeting that included the awarding of the church’s annual scholarship. A motion had been made to award it to the previous year’s recipient, and the preacher replied “No! [Insert Name of Recipient Here] never sent a thank-you note.” And that was that; another nominee received the scholarship.

With a great deal of hand-wringing, the Absence of Handwritten Thanks has been deplored since before Etiquetteer was born, but it’s definitely getting worse. Recipients of kindness will not care, Etiquetteer fears, until they stop receiving kindnesses. Etiquetteer was saddened to learn a few years ago from a Dear Young Person that handwritten notes “weren’t his style.” That, of course, leaves the impression that Ingratitude is his style. But Etiquetteer still sends gifts . . .

Your query specifically concerns academia, and the problem is as acute there as it is in our social lives. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him write.” Admissions officers and donor relations representatives do everything they can to communicate with donors such as yourself about their scholarship recipients, but even their efforts to force personal engagement from scholars often come to naught. Years ago Etiquetteer attended a scholarship luncheon that one scholar missed because he slept through his alarm. Several donors were nonplussed, and the official running the luncheon was left at a disadvantage.

Advances in communications - first email, now texting - have made people lazy about putting pen to paper. The disastrous trend in 21st-century education to stop teaching cursive writing has compounded this.* Almost as bad, some have come to see handwritten correspondence as “quaint” and can be rather condescending about it. Etiquetteer absolutely disagrees, if for no other reason than the thrill of seeing a handwritten envelope in the mailbox. Writing a Lovely Note of Thanks is always worth the effort.

Etiquetteer would encourage you to reach out to your late wife’s alma mater about this matter and share your disappointment at this Absence of Expressed Personal Gratitude. Etiquetteer hopes some sort of scholar interaction, whether handwritten or in person, transpires.

*Since 2010 this trend has started to reverse in many states, and a good thing, too. But Etiquetteer is surprised to read that this is sometimes more a political than educational crusade.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Would you please suggest ways to maintain contact with friends so they don't feel you are ignoring them.

Dear Friendly:

The flip answer is “Well, stop ignoring them.” But Etiquetteer doesn’t want to be flip. This is important.

You sound as though you might feel a wee bit bruised from one or more friends suggesting that you’ve been distant. If this is so, take heart. No one would have mentioned this if they didn’t value your presence in their lives. On the other hand, ask yourself if you’re simply more comfortable than they are with less frequent contact. Reading your query, Etiquetteer couldn’t help but remember that scene in Annie Hall when Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are each asked by their therapists how often they sleep together. One says “Almost never, three times a week.” The other says “Constantly! Three times a week!”

Friendships, all relationships, are maintained with work and dedication. Short of hiring Letitia Baldrige to write Lovely Notes for you with details from your Rich Full Life, you’re going to have to invest time and energy in your friends yourself. You can’t delegate. (Once upon a time, in marriage the husband was allegedly so busy making money outside the home that the wife did all the work on the social side. Those days are gone.) Decide right now that you’re going to make that effort.

People appreciate being remembered, so remembering birthdays goes a long way. Social media goes a long way to help us with this, but perhaps you could look at your friend lists at the beginning of each month and mail a birthday card a few days in advance for each friend that month? Sharing a news story about something you know a friend is interested in is another quick way ping people; “I saw this and it immediately made me think of you.” Respond to texts fairly promptly - but if you don’t have time to devote to a long texting chat (for instance, during the work day), be forthright about it. “At work, will text you back tonight” should do it.

Etiquetteer wishes you success in your quest for balance.