Dear Etiquetteer:
How do I go about encouraging new acquaintances to take as much interest in my stories as I take in theirs?
I am a very good listener, I am frequently told. I work at it. I smile, I nod, I ask appropriate questions. It’s not hard for me to do because I am genuinely interested, most of the time.
The problem is I rarely find myself in reciprocal conversations. While I hear many details about a new acquaintance’s life, he or she rarely has many questions or shows much interest when I start to tell my own story. This is a phenomenon that happens over and over again when speaking with new acquaintances, or when recent acquaintances become friends on second or third visits.
I do not believe that I am I dolt. I know how to keep a story lighthearted. I can get a laugh when I want to. I watch for interest in the eyes and body language of my listener. I am not a shut-in or an ignoramus. I have quite an interesting life with occasional adventures. Why do people fail to ask me about myself?
In many cases, when I start to tell a story, individuals suddenly respond in some remotely related manner and make the story all about themselves.
How do I keep the conversation focused on my stories for part of the time? I do not want to dominate the conversation, but I do want to have a part in it.
Dear Conversing:
Etiquetteer must agree that you are a not a dolt. No dolt would have written a letter as thoughtful as this. But whoever came up with “Virtue is its own reward” gave us a raw deal. We need to find a sensitive way to get you the reciprocal attention needed for Good Social Intercourse.
No matter what people tell you, everyone wants an audience. An attentive audience. Not the sort of audience you’re facing. Perhaps this is why you draw new acquaintances around you, because you exhibit all the good listener skills you list: smiling, nodding, asking the right questions. Being a Silent Example of Perfect Propriety, however, doesn’t always get the right results. Etiquetteer thinks this is because storytellers get so excited about sharing something that they cease to pay attention to what’s going on except as it creates an opening for them to dive in.*
These storytellers, your new acquaintances, need to be called out gently. If they’re interrupting, you need to say something like “Before we get into that, please let me me finish what I was saying. I think it relates nicely” or even “Please don’t interrupt. This won’t take long.” If you’ve had to put up with a Great Deal of Interruption, Etiquetteer will allow you to say, gently but firmly “You know, I’ve been very attentive to what you’ve had to say. I’d like to finish my story now.” The formally inclined could include “Pray do me the courtesy of hearing me out."
When encountering the inattentive, the classic admonitions still work: “You don’t seem very interested in what I have to say” or, more candidly, “I’m afraid I’m boring you.” In each case, your acquaintance should then turn to you with equal attention, and Etiquetteer believes that most will. Those who don’t, Etiquetteer is sorry to say, are simply unworthy of you. Direct your attention to others who show some conversational give and take.
Etiquetteer wishes you new acquaintances who are both attentive and fascinating in equal measure.
*Etiquetteer has had to roll his eyes and put out a restraining hand with That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who has been known to get Quite Jumpy about sharing Important Reminiscences when others have the floor.