Dear Etiquetteer:
Let me begin by saying I do my best to be perfectly proper, but on occasion fall short! This may end up as one of those times.
My 33-year-old daughter and her husband are expecting their first child in July. Like so many of her generation, her friends are scattered about the country and she no longer lives where she grew up (neither do her friends). We have no relatives except her grandmother (almost 90) and me. No sisters, cousins, etc. that would normally be the ones to host a baby shower for her. They moved to a new state about eight months ago so she does not have a friend group in her current community either. A dear friend in our town threw her a fabulous wedding shower some years ago — a lovely tea — it was really special.
But I don’t think my friends should feel like they need to throw my daughter another party. I know it is not customary for me to have a shower; especially as I don’t want folks to think of it as a present grab. So as I noodle over this I’ve had a couple of ideas and I am curious as to your reaction to them. One is that I would ask her best friend from college (my daughter officiated and was Maid of Honor at this lovely gal’s wedding to her wife several years ago) if she would come to our town and host, at a neutral location, and I would pick up the cost. The friend could handle invites and RSVP’s and certainly tell me what she’d like to have happen and I will just be the gofer and sponsor of the event behind the curtain. Or I could just break ranks and throw her a shower and have the wrath of Emily Post, Judith Martin and you burn down my house!
I would be grateful for your opinion or ideas of any other ways I could handle this so my friends, and her closest circle who are known to travel to such things for one another, could shower her with love and necessities. I’m at that stage in life when everyone I know has become a grandparent in the past couple of years and it has really been a joy to celebrate all the young women my daughter grew up with whose moms are some of my dearest friends. Selfishly I just want to share our family’s happy event as well. Any thoughts you might have will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Dear Grandmother-to-Be:
Your query immediately brought Dear Mother to mind, may she rest in peace. She participated cheerfully for years in bridal and baby showers for a regiment of nieces and cousins and the daughters of friends. At long last, when Dear Sister married, Mother’s sisters-in-law arranged the rehearsal dinner (which Etiquetteer attended) and possibly the bridal shower (which Etiquetteer did not). “Finally,” one of the aunts told her, “we get to do for you!”
So of course you are eager to share this first Blessed Event in your family with those in your circle; Etiquetteer understands completely.
And you will also be relieved to know that modern etiquette experts, starting with the Emily Post Institute*, have moved on from the traditional prohibition against family members hosting baby and bridal showers. Yes, that prohibition was put in place to keep people from seeing it a Gift Grab (and some people will anyway, whoever is hosting). But just as you point out, sometimes there really is no one else available or willing to host. In your daughter’s case she has moved to a distant community, her friends are scattered all over the country, and you and your mother are her only relations. The target is squarely on you. Etiquetteer knows you will feel relieved at being able to host your daughter’s baby shower openly without fear of stigma.
The purpose of a shower is properly focused on gifts. It’s useless to pretend otherwise. And Etiquetteer was about to say that, even so, it is never Perfectly Proper to include registry information on the invitation, because that does make it look like a Gift Grab. But modern etiquette experts have moved beyond even that. Because showers are specifically about gift giving, you may include registry information**. But let Etiquetteer be clear. There are two kinds of showers: wedding and baby. There is no such thing as a birthday shower.
But you know — Etiquetteer loves your idea to ask your daughter’s friend about hosting, or co-hosting, the shower with you. Seeing her name (with or without yours) on the invitation will add another point of connection for your daughter’s friends, making the baby shower as valuable as a reunion of distant friends as to celebrate your daughter’s Blessed Event. But if she needs to decline that role, you may host openly without fear.
Etiquetteer wishes you and your daughter a beautiful baby shower, and a Safe and Happy Blessed Event.
*You really must check out Emily Post’s Etiquette: The Centennial Edition, quite possibly the kindest and most loving book of etiquette ever written.
**And Etiquetteer certainly hopes someone will give Pat the Bunny, still the best First Book for any child.