Chatting online, a friend said to Etiquetteer “I find etiquette to be one of the most needed and wonderful things the civilized world has ever invented!” Some people would say yes, others definitely not. Like any force or belief system, etiquette can be used for good or evil. In the past etiquette was often used as a means of control and exclusion, mostly famously by Louis XIV. His attention to what privileges were accorded to what rank left courtiers quarreling among themselves over who had the right to be seated, and where, and on what, at any given Court function rather than on — oh, I don’t know — improving the lot of the peasants. And we see where that brought us.
Madame Campan (may she rest in peace) told the story of the Comtesse de Noailles in her wonderful biography of Marie Antoinette* and how rigid Versailles had become over trifles:
“Etiquette was to [the Countess] a sort of atmosphere; at the slightest derangement of the consecrated order, one would have thought the principles of life would forsake her frame. One day I unintentionally threw this poor lady into a terrible agony. The Queen was receiving I know not whom . . . I was near the throne, with the two women on duty . . . Suddenly I perceived the eyes of Madame de Noailles fixed on mine. She made a sign with her head, and then raised her eyebrows to the top of her forehead, lowered them, raised them again, then began to make little signs with her hand. From all this pantomime, I could easily perceive that something was not as it should be; and as I looked about on all sides to find out what it was, the agitation of the Countess kept increasing. The Queen, who perceived all this, looked at me with a smile; I found means to approach her Majesty, who said to me in a whisper, ‘Let down your lappets, or the Countess will expire.’ All this bustle arose from two unlucky pins which fastened up my lappets, whilst the etiquette of costume said ‘Lappets hanging down.’”
This was an era when the message of etiquette was “Know your place.” Now, Etiquetteer hopes, we can use etiquette to say “Here is how to have a place in community with everyone.” The first step in that journey is showing concern for others.
Etiquetteer’s friend also asked “Does the general lack of etiquette in the US drive you nuts?” Well, it would if there weren’t already so many people out there who do consider how their behavior impacts people around them. For everyone Facetiming on speaker in public, for everyone deliberately dressing to expose their underwear, for everyone taking group selfies in the middle of concerts (and not seeing a problem with it), there are many others who are holding doors, thanking cashiers, using earbuds (or simply not choosing to use technology where others can hear it), and expressing gratitude with Lovely Notes. Every child learning how to use “Please” and “thank you” gives Etiquetteer hope.
Etiquetteer would love to hear from you about what makes you hope or fear for the future of Perfect Propriety. Drop a line to Etiquetteer here.
*Marie Antoinette had nicknamed the Countess “Madame l’Etiquette.”