Someone wrote to Miss Conduct over at the Boston Globe, outraged about a baby shower that would be missing all the traditional elements of a baby shower. There would be no opening of gifts; the mother-to-be had asked that all gifts be mailed to her home in another town. There would be no visibly pregnant mother; the mother-to-be was employing a surrogate who would not be at the shower. Finally — and this seemed to outrage the writer most — the mother-to-be was hosting the shower for herself. The writer said that the whole thing was nothing but a “gift grab” and implied somewhat nastily that this mother-to-be was Not Making Good Life Choices.
In her response, Miss Conduct asked “Who the heck is supposed to host a shower for a 40-plus woman anyway? Her nana?” Etiquetteer would say, “Her friends.” Good manners once prevented relatives from hosting baby and bridal showers at all — to keep the family from looking greedy, perhaps — leaving that obligations to friends of the honoree. “When they are given,” Amy Vanderbilt said in 1963*, they are given by friends rather than relatives.” In this century, that’s no longer the case. The Centennial Edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette states clearly “. . . sometimes a parent or sibling is the only sensible person to host and they can feel confident doing so.**”
But hosting your own baby shower is not really the best look. When hosting your own birthday party you can always add “No gifts please” to the invitation***; that won’t work for a shower. Clearly the perception of trawling for gifts bothered the reader, and it may have bothered others; that will always be a risk when you hold a party for yourself. For any shower, keeping the guest list small should help prevent the Aura of Grabbiness.
Miss Conduct took a more charitable view of the mother-to-be/hostess’s choices, while admitting things could have been done differently. But she gave her reader both barrels over her nastiness. “I don’t know [the mother-to-be] or how she lives her life. But I know what you wrote. Whatever she did, you need to take a good look at yourself.” For Etiquetteer, this writer was clearly having a problem with How Things Have Changed, well beyond the idea of throwing a party for yourself. Etiquette’s focus has changed from chastising those who break the rules to kindness, inclusivity, and (when needed) gentle correction. This is a change to which a lot of people are still adjusting.
When people have questions that are embarrassing or uncomfortable, they should absolutely write in to a columnist (and you can write to Etiquetteer here). It feels safe to bring up uncomfortable issues anonymously. Sometimes how you raise those issues says more about yourself than about the issue. And a columnist might point that out, as Miss Conduct did. While she surely didn’t get the response she expected, Etiquetteer is so grateful that that woman wrote Miss Conduct — and hopes others will continue to ask the Thorny Questions. Etiquetteer, for one, is ready to assist.
*Amy Vanderbilt’s New Complete Book of Etiquette: The Guide to Gracious Living, 1963.
**Emily Post’s Etiquette: The Centennial Edition, by Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning, 2022.
***Etiquetteer has written about the history of “No gifts please” here.