Dear Etiquetteer:
A question of web etiquette has arisen and I’d appreciate your feedback. Estranged Cousin, who lives in Distant State, has distanced himself voluntarily from our family life. He’s had a stormy marital life and left his wife and children to fend for themselves to marry another woman in Distant State. This was the basis of his estrangement from his parents and the rest of us. That marriage is also over.
I maintain a limited relationship with Estranged Cousin, consisting only of occasional comments and messages through Facebook. He recently added a concerning post to his Facebook page. The gist of the post was that he only supports marriage that was envisioned by God, that is, a marriage of one man and one woman.
I am a man and my husband and I invited God into our relationship when we married sacramentally in a wedding mass. Every day I see God in my marriage. I sent a message saying this to Estranged Cousin and received a message that he loves and prays for his whole family, including the two of us. While, as a religious person, I appreciate prayers from anyone, I feel I have to keep Estranged Cousin at more of a distance to protect myself and my husband. I have removed him as a “Friend.” I don’t want to engage him further and feel my prophetic witness that two men can be married should have been a sufficient example to stave off his Facebook post.
Do you feel my response was measured and appropriate?
Dear Thoughtful:
Certainly you recognized that confronting this relative with his own marital behavior was unlikely to change his viewpoint. Observing to him that God’s vision of marriage was not one man and one woman at a time to suit the inclination of the man might make good television drama, but seldom satisfies in real life. Etiquetteer commends you for giving him an opportunity to respond, though, by calling his attention to your own marriage. His response justifies your unfriending him.
Friending and unfriending on social media can still feel very emotional, especially when an unfriending is unexpected. At its most neutral, an unfriending says that someone does not prefer to interact with you on that social media platform, possibly leaving open other means of communications — for instance, other social media platforms, the telephone, pen and paper, or even gasp in person. Because this person is family, you may choose to confine him to your holiday card list. Otherwise, Etiquetteer considers that you’ve done due diligence and you are now free to cultivate more supportive relatives and friends.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I feel like I’ve gotten myself into an awkward situation with an online friend who I seem to have developed feelings for. I suppose celebrities have to deal with this all the time, but this is just a person. We don’t interact as much as we used to and I am worried that this person is pulling away from me right as I want to be more and more involved. But I feel like actually saying this sounds needy and will push this person away even more. How do I get through this? Help!
Dear Infatuated:
As Whoopi Goldberg so memorably said in Ghost, “You in danger, girl.”
You are not going to like this, but Etiquetteer encourages you to pull away from this online friend and allow these intense feelings to evaporate. Although you don’t go into much detail — whether or not you’ve met in person, the nature of your online friendship, etc. — that you are even suggesting this person’s lack of interaction has anything to do with you is a warning sign. More likely this person is just having a busier daily life than usual and pulling back overall — and that’s not about you.
You’re right, though, that need is unattractive. Your online friend is more likely to feel annoyance or pity than affection if you approach with anxiety about this. It’s time for you to take a break and refocus onto another online platform, your offline life, cultivating in-person relationships that could be platonic or romantic. And if you have a real-life confidante (or a professional therapist), talk about this with them. The old proverb is true: “A trouble shared is a trouble halved, but a joy shared is a joy doubled.”
Etiquetteer wishes you surcease from sorrow; please write again.