When Etiquetteer saw that today, March 26, was National Spinach Day, it was only possible to discuss the part of this Leafy Green that no one wants to mention: that speck of it stuck between your front teeth. There is nothing more frustrating than coming home from a party, looking in the bathroom mirror, and seeing a large dark green fragment of spanikopita or salad right there in that dazzling smile you’ve been flashing at everyone for the last four hours. What can be done about this?!
First of all, for heaven’s sake people, if you see something, say something. The smile you save may one day be your own. This does not have to be a Cecil B. DeMille production. Just say quietly and casually “[Insert Name Here], it looks like you have something between your teeth.” What could be more Perfectly Proper than that? If you are sitting across the table from someone, obviously you can’t shout it out. When you’ve caught their eye, tap your lip at the approximate place where their spinach has lodged, and hope for the best.
The tricky part about removing food from between your teeth is that no one else should see what you’re doing. So if your tongue can’t do the job and you need to “bring in the artillery,” you need to excuse yourself to the restroom. This includes using either a fingernail or a dollar bill, or even a quick sip of water to dislodge that Errant Bit. Toothpicks, obviously, were invented to solve this problem, but it is Absolutely Not Perfectly Proper to let anyone see you operate them in your mouth. The song “Eadie Was a Lady” included the lyric “She would have a golden toothpick handy//And after meals she’d wave it about” to underscore just how vulgar it was.
“But Etiquetteer!” you ask plaintively, “couldn’t I just hide my mouth behind my napkin or my hand?” Only if you can do so briefly. Holding your napkin up to your face too long will only attract the curiosity of the ill bred. This is just as true for ladies with fans.
Etiquetteer wishes you Perfectly Proper enjoyment of your spinach, in whatever form you prefer it, and proper dental hygiene away from the gaze of others.