Etiquetteer completely missed that yesterday was National Common Courtesy Day. The theme of collapsing manners is as old as the nation, if not older.* But in this century Perfect Propriety has visibly “hit the toboggan” and seems to be speeding toward the abyss faster and faster. What now must we do to Make Courtesy Common Again?
Readers let Etiquetteer know what common courtesies they appreciate, and which ones they miss. Both Facebook and Instagram commenters met at the same place: the doorway. People miss having the door held for them, and they miss being acknowledged when they do hold the door. Now more democratic and less chivalric, everyone is invited to make the world a better place by holding the door for everyone else — but particularly those with mobility issues and those heavily laden. It’s easy to forget, especially for those of us absorbed in our phones, but so important to be aware of those around you. And truly, it doesn’t take much time.
In the same vein, one reader responded “Both parties [need] to move equally out of the way when passing each other on the pavement.” Sometimes there are good reasons this doesn’t happen — for instance, a narrow pavement or the presence of a baby stroller. More often than not, though, someone is just in a bad mood and stalking along with blood in their eye. Best to give ’em a wide berth.
One reader lamented “the increase in vulgar speech,” which absolutely cannot be denied. But can it be stemmed? Etiquetteer wants so much to believe that Setting a Quiet Example can still make a meaningful difference, and we should still do that. Alas, people worried about Bad Language too often end up the butt of the joke. Loretta Young had many fine qualities, but the “swear jar” she brought onto the set of any move she made didn’t exactly Win Friends and Influence People.
“Letting me know that you are leaving your table soon,” pleads another reader. Even before the pandemic diners-out were making trouble, not just by overstaying their welcome, but by making simultaneous reservations at other restaurants so they could follow their fancy — no matter how many other diners might be shut out, nor how much revenue the restaurants might lose. It’s one thing to linger a bit over one’s coffee, but quite another to keep the staff up until 3:00 AM. Etiquetteer blames My Dinner with André.
A concertgoer longs for the days when “People enjoyed the symphony in quiet, and without fisticuffs.” It’s been 16 years since the famous Brawl at Symphony Hall. While fisticuffs still seem very rare (and let’s keep it that way), the rise of smartphone use, and misuse, and malfunction, has disrupted the concert and theatre experience drastically. People . . . put it away!
Almost all of these concerns may be reduced to the humble need expressed by one Instagram reader: “Being acknowledged.” Whether it’s for a gift, a favor, a party, or the common courtesy of holding a door, people want to know that their efforts were noticed and (we hope) appreciated. People want to be told “Thank you!” And they also, as one final reader observed, want to be told “You’re welcome,” too, when thanks have been extended.
Our assignment, then, is to be more conscious of what people around us need, and in as simple and unruffled a way as possible, and with a smile. What could be more Perfectly Proper?
*Cleveland Amory cites chapter and verse on this trend in his too-often overlooked book Who Killed Society? Do look it up if ever you have the chance.