Dear Etiquetteer:
Is there a gracious way to say “None of your gosh-darned business?”
I am widowed, and now live with an opposite-gendered human being to whom I am not married. People always try hinting at a definition of our “relationship,” and while it is complicated and ever evolving, we are two full grown adults, and I really am tired of, “No, not my husband. Had one of those once,” and leaving it at that. I will sometimes shorthand it as “partners” as we run a farm together, work on various projects together, edit each others’ writing, and the like, but then he worries people will treat that like LGTBQA etc. folks who call their spouses “partners.”
The same “None of your gosh-darned business” phrase (less politely thought but never verbally expressed using profanity) comes to mind in other situations as well. I often just deflect and change the subject. I do not want to debate politics with you, near stranger, or hear your thoughts of vaccines, and my vote is my own business and no one else’s. In political terms people then always seem to think I must be their opposite (whatever that issue is) and try to “change my mind” anyway.
That’s my puzzle.
Dear Puzzling:
Intrusive questions do get frustrating, no doubt about it. And here we are, heading into the Time of Great Feasts, when they seem to come up more than usual. In your case, the most charitable explanation is that your inquisitors — oh, excuse me, your neighbors — might want to know what social unit to invite to a dinner: a couple, or two singles, or just one.
If “We’re not a couple” divulges more information than you wish to share, or prompts even more questions, you might try turning the questions back. “I'm really puzzled why you take such an interest in my personal life. Were you thinking about asking me over for dinner?” or “Do you take this much interest in everyone’s personal arrangements?”
While Etiquetteer often suggests an air of Infinite Regret over such comments, what's important to you is that the inquiries stop. That requires a less accommodating delivery. Etiquetteer has never forgotten a particular exchange in 1776 in which Dr. Hall of Georgia deftly deflects the attempts of Mr. Rutledge of South Carolina to get him to make a public statement about independence:
Hall: “I am here without instructions, able to vote my own personal convictions.”
Rutledge: “And they are . . . ?”
Hall: [a pause; he examines him] “Personal.”
The most important part of that exchange is the pause. Dr. Hall used it to give Mr. Rutledge notice that his question was out of bounds. Timing is important. Learn to use it to your advantage.
But for those who lack the ability even to take that hint, spell it out. “I think of myself as a reserved person, and there’s just a lot that I prefer not to talk about. Thanks for respecting my choice to be more circumspect about things that a lot of other people do prefer to talk about.”
Etiquetteer wishes you cordial and reserved interactions throughout the Time of Great Feasts, and beyond.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I would love to hear about how to handle Israel-Palestine discussions. Help! Many of us are scared to say anything for fear of being attacked or misunderstood.
Dear Scared:
First, if you don’t want to have the discussion, you don’t have to. If you want to initiate a discussion with someone, ask their permission first.
More important than that, actually, is where and with whom to have the discussion. Not online, and not with total strangers, especially online. Etiquetteer has always said not to engage with bots and trolls on social media, and never has Etiquetteer witnessed such incendiary baiting and wharrgarbl. Bots and trolls are eager to misunderstand and attack you. Know who you’re talking to! Have your discussions in person if possible, or at least on platforms where you know all the participants and what you share won’t be open to the general public.
The same rules apply to discussing the war as they do for any difficult topic: keep calm, be prepared to listen, explain your position carefully, and know your facts (and get them from more than one source). Finding out where others get their facts will also be important; if it’s the Platform Formerly Known as Twitter, for instance, gently express a preference for more reliable sources. Be honest with yourself about why you’re participating: to change minds, share your beliefs, understand others, or express your emotions. Each choice will see you choose your words differently.
Accept from the beginning that there is no guarantee your talk will resolve any differences. Etiquetteer was deeply impressed by the story of two Georgia women on opposite sides of the war who had a discussion about their differences anyway. While they in no way came together, Etiquetteer admires Samara Minkin and Sanadia Oliver for committing to talking with each other respectfully about their differing viewpoints.