Dear Etiquetteer:
I believe somewhere in Emily Post's Etiquette or elsewhere she says that the phrase "the wife" is "unspeakable." The proper phrase, as I recall, is "my wife" or "my husband." Do you agree, and if so, wouldn't the perfectly proper phrase be "my boyfriend" rather than "the boyfriend?" Thanks for your expert guidance on this all-important question.
Dear Observant:
How charming of you to consider that subtle shade of meaning. A review of the 1922 edition of Emily Post doesn't reveal a specific reference to "Meet the wife," but Mrs. Post does share much of interest in how introductions are made, and her Pronounced Aversion to Slang (into which Etiquetteer would class this expression). It's Amy Vanderbilt you're thinking of, who states simply and without the implied judgment of Mrs. Post "Nor does a man say 'the wife' or 'the missus.'"*
Certainly it would be Most Improper to refer to "the boyfriend" or "the wife" in that person's presence. That would imply Improper Disregard for someone most definitely right there! Your query reminded Etiquetteer of the old expression "Who's she, the cat's mother?", used to reprimand someone for using a pronoun when a proper name would have been more Perfectly Proper — like when they're with you in the conversation.
Etiquetteer thinks Humorous Intent is how slang expressions like “meet the boyfriend” creep into our speech — Mrs. Post would probably say “degrade,” “corrupt,” or “cheapen” — and continuing reflection on the impact of our words can help us steer away from anything that could be hurtful.
And on that note, Etiquetteer will leave you with “The Girl Friend,” title song of the Rodgers and Hart musical, and Meet the Wife from British television of another era. Enjoy!
*Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette: A Guide to Gracious Living, 1954, page 218.