Dear Etiquetteer:
Thank you for the Christmas columns. I found them quite invaluable!
For the coming year’s holidays, I have been wanting to know how to handle beloved yet wholly frustrating children who are completely inconsiderate because they are oblivious to everything and everyone around them. As in:
Guests are arriving, necessitating a shift of bedrooms, and Mom can’t change the bed linens for the guests until Adult Child #1 gets his stuff out of the way. Mom has asked three times via voice, text, and voicemail but there’s been no reply. Mom is forced to gather #1’s dirty laundry, shove it in some corner of the laundry room so she can prepare room for guests but this irks #1 to have the “private” space invaded.
Adult Child #2 is due to arrive at some point but has not communicated when. Meanwhile, there’s that bedroom shifting issue to deal with as well as when to leave the back door unlocked for late arrival (alas, it was locked and Child #2 had to — horrors! — find their house key . . .).
Parents are planning dinner menus and specifically ask each Adult Child what they would like to have. With no reply, the usual dinner provisions are bought and prepared, to which one or both Adult Children say, “I ate already” or “I can’t eat that . . .”
I call this rude and selfish but my husband thinks a better description is inconsiderate. I still think it’s unbelievably selfish. I’m wont to throw my hands up and scream, “WTF??!!!” but I’m sure you have a better solution.
Dear Frustrated:
Believe it or not, Henry Higgins offers the best advice in My Fair Lady: “If you can’t appreciate what you get, then you’d better get what you can appreciate!” Next year Mom and Dad’s Christmas gift to the Adult Children — their only gift — might be going on vacation and leaving them to their own devices. “Oh, and we’re closing the house, so you’ll need to make your own plans to stay elsewhere.” This is what Etiquetteer would call the Tough Love approach. And should they complain, be ready with examples of how their behavior led to their choice.
But should Mom and Dad actually want to continue celebrating Christmas with these Adult Children, expectations will need to be set no later than Hallowe’en about what they need to do for a smoothly run holiday everyone can enjoy. That means knowing arrival times at least 24 hours beforehand (Etiquetteer prefers even earlier than that, but we all know winter weather plays havoc), showing up hungry (or at least appearing to be hungry), and communicating dietary issues ahead of time. Which does not necessarily mean preferences. Etiquetteer rather misses when everyone just got a helping of Shut Up and Eat.
If people want a Beautiful Holiday, that means everyone has to do their part. And problems like this don’t get solved without communication. What you need is a good old-fashioned Family Council — preferably with all present in person, but videoconferencing has proved quite efficient* — in which Mom makes her case not just for what she needs people to do, but why. What you may learn, however, is that not everyone cares about a Beautiful Holiday. In that case, you’d best assure yours by booking your hotel rooms now.
Etiquetteer wishes your family a successful clearing of the air, and a beautiful Holiday of Your Choice in 2023.
Dear Etiquetteer:
This is gift related so perhaps appropriate for this time of year.
I recently made a new friend and we are still getting to know one another. I invited her over for tea and light hors d’oeuvres. She brought me a (very large) novel written by apparently her favorite writer but pointed out there was a gift receipt from [Insert Name of Bookstore Here] inside. I started to read it but quickly realized I didn’t like it and just couldn’t get into it.
I plan to return it. How can I tactfully explain this without offending her? I would like to continue our friendship. My husband thought I should just say nothing and hope the subject doesn’t come up when we meet again. I feel that would be awkward because I feel she will want to know how I liked it.
Your thoughts?
Dear Booked:
Etiquetteer understands your concern, but agrees with your husband. It isn’t necessary to volunteer the information unless your new friend asks. Indeed, some people feel it’s impolite to ask how a recipient liked their gift in case they didn’t.
But if your new friend does ask, it’s best to be truthful. It could prevent her from giving you more books by the same author! Just tell her what you told Etiquetteer — that you simply didn’t engage with the story — and share the kind of book you got instead, and why. Literature, like Art, is highly subjective, and there’s no sin in having diverging tastes. If there is something nice you can say about the first book — praise of a character or a turn of phrase — share it.
Etiquetteer wishes you many happy, comfortable conversations over tea with your new friend.
*As long as everyone knows how to use the technology.