Dear Etiquetteer:
My family has four adult-age siblings, with ten children in the next generation. Three of the four of us have paid 100% of our childrens’ college education expenses. One paid zero.
The one who contributed nothing to his childrens’ college expenses is a tradesman who makes a good living in his relatively low-cost-of-living area. In addition to his house and car, he owns a sports car, an RV, a $1,000 turntable for his live-in girlfriend’s vinyl albums, and several expensive bicycles, all bought while his two children were in college. The other three siblings make more. (Our parents, by the way, thought that parents were not required to contribute to their children's education, so they thought it was fine my Brother didn’t pay anything.)
My former sister-in-law has helped both children a bit, but both will graduate with significant student debt. My niece graduated this past May and was recently married; my nephew is a junior in college.
As a big believer in education, I decided earlier this year to help my niece repay her student loans. The dollar amount isn’t that important (it isn’t that much) but I want to show my support. I intend to do the same for my nephew when he graduates.
My question is this: am I obligated to tell my brother I’m helping my niece and, eventually, my nephew? Personally I think it’s none of his business.
Dear Benefactress:
If a relative is old enough to go to college and/or get married, they are old enough to have independent relationships with other relatives without going through their parents. Nor should their parents expect to continue their roles as gatekeepers. Your generosity to your niece and nephew is entirely between the three of you and really doesn’t concern anyone else*. If you, or they, wish to share that information with him, go ahead; but there’s no obligation to tell him, especially given his lack of financial participation.
It’s interesting that you raise this query just as the Season of the Great Feasts approaches. In only a couple weeks most Americans will begin gathering together for Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas, New Year’s, Kwanzaa, etc.** These occasions often cause anxiety about possible arguments. So, as a reminder, it’s best not to talk about money, politics, and religion. Henry Higgins had it right in My Fair Lady: “I’m telling her to stick to the weather and everybody’s health.” Of course that went awry when Eliza Doolittle started bringing up specific symptoms, which is never Perfectly Proper at the dinner table.
Etiquetteer wishes you joy as you forge strong adult relationships with your young relatives.
*Except possibly your niece’s spouse, since the financial decisions of one spouse do impact the other.
**Etiquetteer loves to conclude the season with Twelfth Night.