Dear Etiquetteer:
I recently met a woman and her husband socially. Initially, I was fascinated by them. She has many similar interests to mine. I admire his career. I thought it would be the beginning of a nice friendship.
After further acquaintance, I find her overbearing. She calls me too frequently and I usually feel that she has an ulterior motive and wants something from me. He has been fine for the most part but the one time I saw him drinking, he was a little aggressive. I am a very patient person and I tend to attract people who are dramatic and need an audience.
I am trying to ease out of this friendship, but I’m trying to figure out how to do this. Is it acceptable to ghost them or do I have to explicitly tell them that I do not want to continue the friendship? Or can I just say I am "busy" each time they contact me?
Dear Friendly Ghost:
It’s a terrible thing to believe that your company is not really wanted for itself. Etiquetteer sympathizes. Boundaries are healthy, and you just need a little help setting them, and maintaining them, with Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer appreciates that you don’t want to be hurtful, but need your freedom.
Ghosting, which Psychology Today defines as “abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation,” feels a bit cowardly unless violence is involved. Often in abusive relationships, disappearing without a trace is essential for one’s safety. Since your new social friends are not compromising your physical safety or security, a subtler strategy is needed.
Unobtrusively reduce your contact with this couple. Let all the calls go to voicemail, maybe taking one a week. Decline the invitations, always with Infinite Regret, but with greater brevity. Be careful not to use standard phrases like “I’m so sorry we haven’t seen each other lately” when that’s exactly what you want to avoid. Cloak yourself in an air of mystery, e.g. “There are a couple projects that have really taken up a lot of my time. I wish I could say more.” Etiquetteer can’t quite imagine what your friend’s “ulterior motives” might be — this sounds vaguely like the start of a horror movie — but once you know what they are, gently and consistently express disinterest.
Should your new friends confront you directly — “You never take my calls any more and we never see you!” — this is still the line to take, that you have other calls on your time that are keeping you away from almost everyone. Don’t apologize; instead, try “Thanks so much for your understanding.” Eventually, they’ll take the hint and reach out less often.
Etiquetteer thinks it’s important to emphasize that ghosting is different from the old custom of cutting. Cutting is a deliberate and very public attempt to insult someone. Ghosting, while difficult, remains out of the public eye.
Etiquetteer wishes you success and calm as you extricate yourself from this social relationship.