Dear Etiquetteer:
How long should a person be miffed for a social slight, and when should a person just drop it? And does the degree of the social slight determine the length of the miff?
Five years ago: Three high school graduation gifts of $20 each; no response from the recipients.
Two years ago: A wedding gift of $200 cash to friends; no response from the recipients.
One year ago: A wedding gift of $1,000 to nephew and his bride, on behalf of the nephew’s grandmother; no response.
I resolve no longer to send people cash gifts, but will send the equivalent to a non-profit organization of my choice — because the nonprofit organizations respond with Lovely Notes of Thanks!
Now to my question: when should I stop being miffed about this? Do grudges have an expiration date? When does a whine become stale? Thank you for your attention and expertise!
Dear Grudging:
Thank goodness you didn’t ask about feuds. That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much appreciates the value of a good feud much more than he ought to . . .
But since you asked, the whine you’re serving is already stale. And more to the point, you’re the only one drinking it. Etiquetteer guarantees your recipients have moved on already. Instead of “Forgive and forget,” you might consider “Forgive and file for reference,” so that future gifts might include stationery and postage stamps.
Of course Etiquetteer understands your desire to be acknowledged and thanked; everyone wants that. But the purpose of a gift is not to generate thanks, but to be given. So while Etiquetteer appreciates where your non-profit donation gift comes from, Etiquetteer can’t define it as being given in the Proper Spirit.
Your reference to high school gifts reminded Etiquetteer of Dear Uncle’s practice with teenage staff at his favorite restaurant. When they graduated from high school, he made a bargain with each of them. Once he received from the Happy Graduate one of their graduation photographs he would give them a brand-new silver pen. But he had to get the photo first, or there was a handoff. He wasn’t not going to get that photo! After his death, Etiquetteer found among his things a cigar box filled with at least two dozen small graduation photos, the measure of his influence and interest.
Wedding gifts of four figures, however, really ought to be acknowledged in writing. Etiquetteer knows it sounds like tattling, but the classic advice is to check with the mother of the recipient you know. “Gladys, you don’t happen to know if Dewy and Manley* got that $1,000 check from Grandma, do you? Neither she nor I have heard a thing about it from them, and it doesn’t seem to have cleared the bank, and I’m terribly worried,” etc. etc. (This is also why a check is better than cash — documentation.)
For your own sake, Grudging, put wings on those grudges and let them fly away. Believe Etiquetteer, they impact only you. And it’s so wearying to have to remember when and with whom you have to be touchy or offended. Let go, and renew your Perfect Propriety by spending time and energy with those who already appreciate you. That will rejuvenate you.
*Etiquetteer’s standard bridal couple is always Miss Dewy Freshness and Mr. Manley Firmness.