Is profanity necessary? Sometimes yes, profanity is necessary to make a point, which brings us to Simon Griffin’s latest book, F****** Good Manners. But his use of the F-word is far from rare — which is actually the point. And it does help to convey that you’d better start minding your blesséd* manners — now. Because the rest of us have had quite enough of your shenanigans, thank you.
Etiquette doesn’t change as much as all that — forks still go on the left, and we still need to treat each other courteously — but each generation needs to receive this Eternal Wisdom in its own voice. Emily Post, Lillian Eichler, Amy Vanderbilt, Judith Martin — these legendary writers** shared much the same information in unique voices that struck a chord. Now, with a muddy splat, Mr. Griffin has announced himself as the necessary etiquette writer for the 2020s.
But he is not sharing quite the same information as the Admirable Writers Who Came Before. You won’t find chapters on weddings or dinner parties in F****** Good Manners. Instead, delightfully, Mr. Griffin directs us to even more basic areas of civilization: public transportation, driving, public restrooms, neighborhoods, social media, and queuing.
That’s right, queuing. Mr. Griffin is based in Yorkshire, so for American readers the book is strongly flavored with Britain. References to “the shops,” Tesco, Piers Morgan, “footie,” the Highway Code, stag and hen dos, Hertfordshire, Martin Bayfield, and of course queuing, pop up like secret plums in a Christmas pudding. Like a cup of Bovril when you’re expecting tea, Etiquetteer rather hopes one of Mr. Griffin’s next projects might be a 21st-century update of Jane Austen’s Northanger Abbey or Mansfield Park. Anglophiles will eat it up.
Mr. Griffin includes a chapter on good manners for the environment, perhaps a first for any etiquette book. “It’s there for all of us to enjoy, and just because a generation hasn’t yet been born, it doesn’t mean we should leave the place looking like the aftermath of a Kate Moss birthday party for them.” Bracing!
One final, essential difference: unlike earlier etiquette writers, Mr. Griffin owns up to his own bad behavior. He begins the acknowledgements “In the back of my mind has always been my own [Insert Expletive Here] behaviour, so perhaps my first acknowledgement should be to anyone who has been at the receiving end of my own bad manners over the years. Sorry for whatever it was I did, and thank you for your tolerance.” A gentleman knows how to admit his mistakes, and as the late Mrs. Wilkes said of Gerald O’Hara in Gone With the Wind, “He has a coarse tongue, but he is a gentleman.”
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Now this is Robert talking. Reading this book resurfaced many lapses of Perfect Propriety from my past, my own and others, that have been both painful and piquant. It’s funny now to remember witnessing a set-to between a supermarket cashier repeatedly calling out a shopper who hadn’t read any of her coupons right. But I also flush with shame remembering a profane office tirade 30 years ago that was so visceral a colleague had to leave the room. Mercy, I interrupted someone on a video call last week and I am still fretting over it! F****** Good Manners served as a reminder to me that, it doesn’t matter how good you think your manners are, there is always room for improvement, and that what you do (or don’t do) has an impact on the people around you. Get this book, read it, wash your mouth out with soap afterward if you think that might help, but it’s a powerfully good book with strong guidance on your blesséd manners.
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*Etiquetteer will often substitute “blesséd” for the F-word.
**Obviously an incomplete list. Please add the Legendary Etiquette Writer of Your Choice.