Globally, we are not yet out of the coronavirus pandemic woods. But with the increasing pace of vaccination, many people believe they can see light through the trees. The prospect of returning to the Life We Once Thought of as Normal is transforming from an Alluring Phantom to a Distinct Possibility. Or is it more of a Threat? And what does that mean? How are we supposed to behave and interact after these many months of social deprivation? Etiquetteer put out a call via social media to learn what anxieties people are feeling with the End Possibly in Sight. Here’s what readers shared, with Etiquetteer’s responses:
Dear Etiquetteer:
How do I be nice to folks whose behavior (as documented on social media) was far from Perfectly Proper? Do I have to make small talk about sourdough and vaccine brands for months on end or can we skip all that and just be real with each other?
Etiquetteer responds: If by “just be real with each other” you mean “call out Pandemic Scofflaws for their behavior,” you should minimize or halt interaction with Those People as much as possible. Small talk is a necessary social lubricant, but if you don’t want to be social with Those People, don’t be. Decline invitations. Don’t engage on social media. If/when they mention that they’ve noticed you draw back, ask for permission to have that conversation. “Some of what I saw you post on social media during the pandemic really disturbed me. Could we talk about that?” After that, it’s open season.
Otherwise, you may shorten small talk by introducing a more “real” and less trivial topic sooner; the degree of intimacy may vary. If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that Time and Friendship are not to be wasted. Also, nothing against the Sourdough Community, but Etiquetteer would rank that alongside Parking and/or Driving Directions and Cellphone Plans as Topics to Aid Sleep.
Too soon?
Dear Etiquetteer:
What do I do if being around a lot of people makes me uncomfortable even after it becomes “safe” to do so?
Etiquetteer responds: Managing Social COVID Anxiety will be a real challenge because many of us won’t anticipate it. Why feel anxious about something you’ve longed for all this time? Who knows, but the feelings are there! Etiquetteer is at this minute glancing anxiously at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much. Only yesterday he hemmed and hawed his way out of an otherwise lovely weekend invitation for an out-of-state al fresco party next month for 20 people. All the elements of safety were there: a dear friend who’s observed all the protocols despite his bubble having to cross state lines, masked activity, good ventilation, etc. And yet That Mr. Dimmick, while thirsting for new stimuli, sights, and conversations, suddenly had doubts about interacting at close quarters, even outside, with total strangers.
“Proceed with caution” is classic advice. Build your tolerance by gathering with people you know and trust; increase the size and makeup of those gatherings as you feel comfortable. If you find yourself somewhere that unexpectedly triggers COVID anxiety for you, Etiquetteer gives you permission to make your excuses to your hosts and depart. People have been using illness, real or feigned, as an excuse to leave for centuries, but saying you’re not feeling well could trigger their COVID anxiety. Be honest but kind, and thank them for their patience and understanding.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I worry that the spontaneity of our pre-COVID existence will never return. We used to love to entertain and our home was open to friends, and whoever they had visiting was also welcome. Now everything has to be so tightly controlled in terms of the allowable number of guests. We have not entertained for a year. I miss the joy of sharing a meal with good friends. I miss the gentle art of hospitality.
Etiquetteer responds: Hospitality is a gentle and expansive art. Who doesn’t love an Auntie Mame Mob or a Holly Golightly Crush?* Now we have to balance the genuine urge to be hostly with the risk of transmisson. Use the Post-Pandemic Period for more targeted hospitality; be spontaneous with a smaller group instead! Mobs, crushes, and buffets can be wonderful, mad fun, but so can intimate al fresco meals with stimulating conversation. Yes, it will feel different, but it will still be fun because of who you welcome and what they bring of themselves to your party. Think of it as choosing a pair of earrings instead of a tiara; not as big, but still sets off one’s face beautifully.
*Actually, there are plenty of people who don’t — some of them can be quite tart about it, too — and Etiquetteer respects their preference for smaller-scale gatherings.