Dear Etiquetteer:
I have been exchanging Christmas gifts with a friend for many years. In recent years this person has started to give much more expensive gifts and I feel that I have to reciprocate with a gift of the same value. I’m really not comfortable having this trend of increasingly expensive gifts continue.
Is there a polite way to suggest that we place a cap on the cost of gifts we exchange? Or will I just sound ungrateful?
Dear Gifted:
Your query certainly does bring fresh meaning to the old phrase “Oh darling, you shouldn’t have.” Sometimes it feels like a Competitive Edge can creep into the Joy of Exchanging Holiday Gifts with Loved Ones, especially when the difference in value becomes too great. Etiquetteer doesn’t immediately believe that more extravagant gift-givers are trying to show off or one-up their recipients. It’s quite possible they found something perfect for you that just cost a little more, or that Circumstances Unknown enabled them to be more generous.
But first of all, it is not, and never has been — no matter what anyone tells you — necessary to reciprocate with a gift of equal or greater value. You don’t even have to reciprocate with a gift! People forget this. All that’s strictly necessary is Written Thanks, preferably in the form of a Lovely Note. Don’t allow your friend’s Gifts of Greater Value to make you feel that your gifts are Less Than.
There are few different paths you can take:
Maintain the status quo, say nothing, send a Lovely Note of Thanks, and allow your own discomfort to fester.
Talk frankly with your friend about how much you have appreciated exchanging gifts all these years, but that you value your friendship more than any expensive gift. Suggest that you emphasize the greater value of your emotional bond with gifts that are less expensive.
Suggest that you’re really moving away from gift-giving altogether and call a halt to your yearslong tradition.
Now obviously Etiquetteer prefers the second approach, but as you yourself recognize, it needs to be made in a way that does express gratitude for previous Gifts of Greater Value. You should be careful, too, not to devalue your own gifts, because this isn’t a comparison. The message you want to get across is not “I’m embarrassed that my gifts cost less than yours” but “Let’s celebrate our friendship more lightly.” You can then “open the bidding” with a suggested dollar amount; expect to negotiate this.
One possible way to reinforce an inexpensive gift’s true value is to share that you still value it. Etiquetteer has received Gifts of Nominal Value from dear friends — a small box, a letter opener, a garlic press, a pair of novelty socks, a handmade Christmas ornament, to give only a few examples — that have brought years of Joy far beyond whatever was paid for them. At a different time, you can bring up that you still use [Insert Previous Gift of Nominal Value Here] and always associate it happily with your friend.
Etiquetteer wishes you and your friend a stronger exchange of happiness this holiday season.
