Etiquetteer yields the floor today to the Educator who asked about Hallowe’en challenges for the visually impaired, and the students she engaged in expanding on Etiquetteer’s advice. Etiquetteer had no idea there was a difference between getting pranked and getting punked. Read on for an enlightening perspective.
Dear Etiquetteer:
Thank you so much for answering my student's questions about Halloween challenges in your recent column. With their permission, I would like to share with you their thoughts. My lessons/self-advocacy coaching sessions were with a fourth grader, two middle schoolers, and a high school senior.
Every one of these students made it a point to first commend you for writing in a respectful and understanding manner regarding their vision. They commented that sometimes people think they are conveying understanding when, in fact, they are “talking down” to people in different situations. My students were especially appreciative of you not talking around the fact that, yes, they can’t see, and that makes them vulnerable, and yes, it is OK to talk about that.
The fourth grader thought the plan to turn the joke back on the trickster was a great idea. We rehearsed “things to say” a la Cyrano de Bergerac. It was great fun. The parent called me later to tell me they were entertained and comforted by additional rehearsals the student presented in the car ride home.
The middle schoolers and the senior all felt your suggestions were “solid.” But they all also chided me because they felt the way I worded the question made it seem like they were “really wrecked” by the pranking. When I asked them to explain, they said “It’s not like we are talking about getting punked.” And that got to the crux of the issue about bullying.
My older students and I were unable to determine if it is generational, geographical (we are in the Deep South), or cultural, but we all differentiate between getting pranked and getting punked. The middle schoolers defined a prank as a joke that is meant to be funny to everyone, especially the target [emphasis Etiquetteer's]. They said it should not cause any damage or hurt anyone. The example they gave was wrapping each individual thing on someone’s desk in paper and bows to celebrate a birthday. Yes, some inconvenience, but no permanent damage. The senior had the most concise explanation of being “punked.” “Punking is when you play a trick so someone feels bad on purpose and then everybody else laughs at them. Punking someone is really mean.” All expressed that a prank lets you know people like you and being punked tells you that you are not part of the group.
I pressed this distinction further and asked if it was ever OK to punk someone. The senior said “Yes, sometimes that is the only way to stop them from hurting others.” They gave the example of punking a criminal with a fake contest win location that was actually where they got arrested when they showed up.
I asked the middle schoolers and the senior what happens when someone thinks they are pranking you, but they are hurting you. All three said that you have to tell people when they go to far. [Emphasis Etiquetteer’s.] “People can’t read your mind. You have to stand up for yourself and let people know when they are uncool. If they do it again, then you know you are not friends.” All three students suggested the best course of action was to not waste time on people who are proven not to be friends.
Which brings us to wisdom that the senior offered to people who have had so many bad experiences. She expressed empathy and said that it can be hard when you have so many bad things happen. But, she said you can’t judge everyone the same, especially new people in your life. “You have to give people a chance to share their type of humor and friendstyle. And then you have to share yours back so you can understand each other's boundaries. People make mistakes.”
I never cease to be amazed at recent generations of young adults. They are so much more self aware than I was at the same stage of life. I wish everyone could have interactions like I do with these fresh minds. The world may be all topsy turvy, but I really do think the kids, and subsequently Halloween, are all right.
May your Halloween be fun!
Etiquetteer responds:
Thank you very much for this thoughtful expansion of the original column. It proves that we all have more to learn every day, no matter how old, and that almost every issue has facets not always visible. The difference between getting pranked and punked, for instance, Etiquetteer would never even have conceived. As Flora Robson so memorably said in Fire Over England, “Thus we learn.”
Your students rightly observe that “you have to tell people when they go to far.” But what happens when you do communicate that and nothing changes? What happens when you share this with teachers, counselors, parents — the Adults in the Room — and don’t get support, and nothing changes? Quite possibly the worst advice Young Etiquetteer ever got from a Responsible Adult was “If they knew better, they’d do better.” This defines Cold Comfort because it excuses the behavior of the bullies without doing anything to stop it.
There are no guaranteed solutions, especially when bullying is permitted or encouraged. Continued advocacy and communication are the tools we have. We need to keep using them.
And with that, Etiquetteer would like to wish you all a safe, happy, and Perfectly Proper Hallowe’en!