Dear Etiquetteer:
I do hope you can cast some independent judgment/advice on this matter. Like many other city dwellers during this pandemic who are lucky enough to have weekend homes and who are now staying away from the epicenter, we have been staying full time at our house in upstate New York. There is much less density here and it feels safer. We are able to shop (with masks and gloves) without coming within six feet of others, with a few exceptions. But this question is not about social distancing.
We shopped in our local [Insert Name of Big Box Store Here] this morning. As we were checking out we overheard one employee complaining to another about the "Citiots and queers." It was infuriating, we could have complained, perhaps she would have lost her job, surely that would be a fireable offense, but what would that accomplish? We debated various courses of action and in the end did nothing. Sorry to say it but we see a lot of [Insert Pejorative Term Here] up here, everyone is a human being after all, but we ultimately agreed that more than anything else we just felt sorry for her. And what good would it do to point out to her that if not for the "citiots and queers” she wouldn't have a job at all.
To top it off, also this morning, in [Insert Name of Supermarket Chain Here] we heard another employee complaining about all the out-of-state license plates in the parking lot. (At least we have in-state plates!) Should we have told the store manager what we heard without identifying the employee? Should we have confronted her on the spot? Still feeling unsettled by such hatred and prejudice.
Hoping to hear from you, all best.
Dear Overhearing:
Us vs. Them complaints have always been with us, but they take on an added edge in the Time of the Coronavirus. Reading your letter, Etiquetteer couldn’t help but remember how Tippi Hedren, who came “from away,” was attacked as evil by a local in Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.
Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother used to say “Least said, soonest mended,” still Good Sound Advice. And it’s rarely a good idea to respond in Anger. That’s especially important now when everyone - everyone without exception - feels threatened by something they cannot control. It was discreet of you to keep silent, since you plan to continue shopping at these locations. As you say, you have no wish to see this person fired. What you really want is not to feel unwelcome in a place that has become a safe haven for you.
Still, service personnel should remember that complaints about customers should take place away from the customers. Etiquetteer actually received a similar question from a restaurant patron who overheard two waitresses complaining about other diners. Store managers, take note!
Moving forward, what’s the best way for you to interact with these individuals, and what should you do if you overhear similar remarks again? Etiquetteer encourages you to be especially polite and thoughtful the next time you check out. You don’t have to ooze over with Sugary Insincerity - people see through that anyway - but ask how that person is holding up under the strain and thank them for keeping the nation running. Forge a connection. If you hear more complaints, continue to keep quiet. But if someone complains directly to you about “citiots and queers” or other pejoratives about seasonal residents, you may respond, calmly, with “This is a time when everyone needs to feel safe, no matter where they’re from. I keep remembering that we’re all in this together, no matter what.”
Nathaniel Hawthorne used the expression “the chain of human sympathies” in a ghost story set during a smallpox epidemic. For Etiquetteer, it best captures our current predicament. We have never been “all in this together” more than we are now.
Dear Etiquetteer:
How can I graciously advise grocery store shoppers that they are walking in the wrong direction down the aisles? Aisles now have directional arrows. I observed one woman trying to advise another that she was traveling the wrong direction. That elicited a heated "Geez, what are you, the [Insert Profanity Here] aisle police?"
Dear Shopping:
Sartre was right, wasn’t he? Hell is other people!
Etiquetteer can’t see anything wrong with “Excuse me, but you may not have noticed the store added directional arrows to each aisle. You’re going the wrong way.” But no matter how graciously you may advise, there may not be a way to avoid an outburst like that.
No one likes to be called out in public, especially for something they didn’t even suspect. Your query emphasizes that The Rules have changed for everyone, and that they’re going to keep changing. It’s tough to keep up! Etiquetteer Himself, trundling through the supermarket two weeks ago, remained blithely unaware of arrows on the floor until nearly at the checkout line - and then felt a Superb Fool for not noticing.
We’re all going to have to get a lot more comfortable with having our behavior questioned by strangers in public, and with questioning the behavior of others to protect our health. How, then, should you respond when someone sounds off like that? You certainly don’t want to be part of some hair-pulling fistfight, so escalating it with a Snappy Comeback like “Yes, and you’re under arrest, you witch!” is out of the question. Dignified Silence works, as does “I don’t make the rules here, just look at the arrows next time.” And then leave that aisle and continue shopping elsewhere in the store. Readers, what do you think? Please drop Etiquetteer a line with your own thoughts and questions about Coronavirus Grocery Shopping.
Etiquetteer will now sound off about a Supermarket Pet Peeve: shoppers who stand in the way. There’s the shopper who stands exactly where that One Item is for five minutes* reading the fine print on the label. And there’s the shopper who stands in an intersection texting indefinitely. Now Etiquetteer does sympathize with those whose medical needs require them to be super vigilant about ingredients; reading the labels is important. But there are limits. Other people need to get to the coffee, too, and it’s no longer possible to reach onto the shelves with you standing there. In both cases, a brisk “Excuse me please” should be sufficient. Adding “Will you be long?” verges on the Unnecessarily Sarcastic.
*Yes, five minutes!