Dear Etiquetteer:
I have a question and would greatly appreciate your insight. I just heard from my elderly Mom (she'd kill me for referring to her as such) that a neighbor had stopped in for a visit - for an hour. And they sat at her very small kitchen table. Adding to my furor is that this woman (who lives in a house, not under a rock) continues to work in a retail establishment, so she has not been engaging in social distance.
Although I have tried to explain to my dear Mom that she should not allow anyone into her home other than family, lately she tends to forget such details (and I would guess she was delighted to have company other than [Insert Name of Controversial Television Personality] on the TV screen). Clearly the neighbor should have exercised better judgment.
A sign is now on the front door to inform all well-meaning neighbors that we appreciate good wishes, but no one is allowed in the house other than family. Do you have any other Perfectly Proper advice on how I should handle well-meaning neighbors? Another neighbor stopped by yesterday with cookies--aaargh!
Dear Caretaking Offspring:
Your mother’s health is important to protect; so are her relationships with her neighbors. What’s difficult about this pandemic is adjusting to the change in what we’ve been taught about hospitality and neighborliness. For many people, it’s tough to change gears - but it’s necessary. It is quite natural to want to look after elderly neighbors. It’s just as natural, especially for the elderly, to make a Hospitable Impulse and welcome visitors into their homes. The solution is to create some meaningful but safe interactions for your mother.
Would there be a way to set up something like a Zoom call or Facetime so that she could have face-to-face conversations? You might need to be present for this, depending on your mother’s tech savvy. (Etiquetteer will confess to a dislike of having to explain technology to others; it’s Etiquetteer who needs the explaining!) Perhaps she might need headphones or something else to assist if she’s hearing-impaired.
Aside from that, you might have individual conversations with the neighbors your mother sees the most, voice to voice preferred. Thank them first for their engagement with her; good neighbors are good to have, and keep! Then share your concerns about the pandemic and ask for their help supporting good social distance practice with your mother. This is Not the Sort of Thing we’ve every been taught is Perfectly Proper to ask, but “hard times call for harsh measures.” By asking for their help rather than issuing orders you show that you’re all playing on the same team.
Etiquetteer wishes health and safety to your family, and safe and happy engagement with your mother’s neighbors.
Etiquetteer, like all of us, has had some interesting experiences in the Time of the Coronavirus:
With much embarrassment, Etiquetteer’s neighbors sent a text message to find out if Etiquetteer had the coronavirus. This only happened after hearing much coughing over several days while Etiquetteer had a very bad cold. Happily, having seen the doctor, Etiquetteer could report a doctor’s care and absence of the coronavirus, but it was easy to see how difficult it is for people who are deeply (and rightly) concerned about their own health and survival having to ask questions that are not ordinarily Perfectly Proper.
Etiquetteer was very surprised to hear the doorbell ring a week ago. Surely the political canvassers and religious proselytizers were staying at home, yes? Delightfully, the visitors turned out to be former neighbors bearing the gift of a tiny orchid in a tiny pot, which they had left at the front door before backing six feet away. We had a nice conversation in the chilly air. Etiquetteer felt guilty and apologetic about not being able to invite them in - but that didn’t stop Etiquetteer from saying “I’m so sorry I can’t invite you in.” And these friends were very understanding.
Out and about on narrow sidewalks and the pathways of parks, most everyone is good about social distancing - but not everyone. There’s a minority of people who may or may not care about social distancing, but they expect everyone else to do it around them. They are not going to be bothered!