Why the Gillette Ad Was (and Is) Needed, Vol. 18, Issue 5

“Traditional knowledge is being ignored by those who should listen most closely.”

— Darren Thompson, an organizer for the Indigenous Peoples March

Last week two events took place that (re)launched yet another National Discussion, this one about How Men Should Behave. The first was an advertisement by Gillette called “We Believe: The Best Men Can Be” that called out men for not doing more to stop bad behavior like bullying. The second was, in fact, the bullying of a Native American veteran of the Vietnam War by a group of white male students from a Kentucky Catholic high school.

The ad received a lot of backlash from those who believe it was part of a “war” on men and masculinity. Many, many men believe it is not the role of a vendor of razors to tell them what to do, or even to imply that there is anything they have to do. Perhaps the most visible example is this photo of social media personality Graham Allen in a cotton field with his three children and three guns. “Hey Gillette, does this offend you? I’ll raise my kids the way I believe they should be…thanks for your advice,” he wrote. Marksmanship is a fine and valuable skill to have (and it’s also a Perfectly Proper skill for girls, too, Mr. Allen. Why have you only armed your sons?), but it’s not Perfectly Proper to whip out your heat like that as soon as you feel threatened.

And then there was backlash to the backlash. Etiquetteer was deeply moved by Christopher Muther’s column in The Boston Globe, in which he courageously shares his own bullied childhood. “Do you know who isn’t taking to Twitter to complain about the Gillette ad? Those of us who have been bullied, beat up, and sexually victimized. When I watched the ad, I didn’t see tanks gathering at the border of masculinity. I saw myself, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes.”

The message in the Gillette ad, to Etiquetteer, is no different from calls in church to follow the footsteps of Christ in showing compassion for all. Nor is it any different from the Oath and the Law of that bastion of American men’s learning, the Boy Scouts of America: “On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.” The Scout Law has 12 components: “A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” With all of the anger unleashed by an advertisement that promotes these values, Etiquetteer has to wonder if, finally, we’re seeing the truth: that many men don’t attribute that kind of behavior to “manliness” and only pay lip service to it.

Only a couple days after that ad was launched, we saw a demonstration of just why it’s still so necessary. Students from a Kentucky Catholic high school swarmed, mocked, and bullied a Native American veteran (a veteran!) in the Nation’s Capitol. (See this additional video footage, too.) “Boys will be boys” indeed! So much for that hymn “And They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Love.” Etiquetteer puts the blame solidly on their role model. This is not how to #BeBest, boys!

The school has put out a statement condemning the actions of the students in its charge and offering the usual apologies. The behavior of these students should offend everyone. It cannot be laughed off, excused, or otherwise condoned in any way. Is it time to bring back the Inquisition? No, but Etiquetteer expects a heavy penance for those young men with an unwavering focus on the many different kinds of religions and people there are in America, and on service to others.

Etiquetteer’s Dear Father (may he rest in peace), both a man and a gentleman, once wrote “We must concentrate on lovely, pure, and virtuous things.” This does not have to be all wispy angels-in-the-clouds sentiment. What could be more virtuous than preventing someone from committing violence? What could be lovelier than setting an example of kindness for young people? That’s a lot of hard work, day in and day out, but that is the behavior that we need to acknowledge, celebrate, and encourage. That is what truly makes a Great Nation.

Fast Food at the White House, Vol. 18, Issue 4

To paraphrase the late William Shakespeare, “Some writers are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have topics thrust upon them.” Etiquetteer most decidedly falls into the latter category, and this week two decidedly uncomfortable topics are being thrust into Etiquetteer’s face: President Trumps’s serving fast food to a visiting sports team, and Gillette’s new advertisement encouraging men to intervene when witnessing bad behavior. Etiquetteer would much rather chastise people who haven’t written their Lovely Notes yet or explain how to use some obscure piece of silver . . . but no. Noooooooooo! All you readers, snatching Etiquetteer out of the Comfort Zone! Etiquetteer will only cover the first topic in this column.

First, let’s talk about expectations, and how we react when expectations are not met. The father of the bride expects his daughter to wear a white wedding dress; what happens if she suddenly appears at the church door in red? The White House is “the Nation’s address.” Everyone has ideas about the kind of hospitality the House should extend to guests. It should reflect the style of the current occupant, to be sure, but it also has to befit the standard of one of the Great Nations. Etiquetteer remembers being outraged over the Obama “beer summit” in 2009. President Obama was inviting the two principals in a nasty dispute to the Nation’s address to drink beer on the lawn in their shirtsleeves?! Can’t you at least go in the Green Room and drink out of glasses?* Green is such a a calming color . . . and don’t go throwing a red flag at Etiquetteer by pointing out that a lawn is green.

Now President Trump is causing a fresh uproar for serving fast food in the State Dining Room to the Clemson Tigers football team. The President is using this White House visit in a very political way, underscoring that many of the White House residence staff are on furlough because of the government shutdown.** With no cooks in the kitchen, what else is there to do?*** For those who have an expectation of what White House entertaining should be like, packaged fast food served on White House china and silver is just like seeing the bride in red when you expected white. Etiquetteer imagines this is especially painful for those who revere the memory of Jackie Kennedy, who truly revolutionized White House entertaining in favor of both elegance and enjoyment.

This event also symbolizes the Great Cultural Divide in our Great Nation, because let’s face it, there are millions of people who think a Big Mac is [Insert Expletive Here] awesome and much better than any of that fancy [Insert Expletive Here] French food. And Etiquetteer can’t help thinking that if the President had done this with irony everyone in Brooklyn would immediately be buying gold-rimmed china for fast-food dinners.**** it may yet start a trend. Who knows?

So, no, Etiquetteer doesn’t really like this innovation in White House entertaining, but can’t deny that it accurately reflects the style of the current occupant. Etiquetteer sympathizes most with the Clemson Tigers in whose honor the event was held. For most of them, this is likely to be their only visit to the White House.

*In fact they may have been drinking that beer out of glasses.

**Etiquetteer is not going to talk about the shutdown.

***President Trump also seems to be making a big deal that he’s picking up the tab himself for this event. That’s nothing. Until the Truman Administration, the President was expected to fund personally the running of the entire White House. Plus, it’s really bad manners to talk about money like that.

****But this President has no irony.

Peach Melba and a Clean Desk, Vol. 18, Issue 3

Really, Etiquetteer should have remembered to wish you a Perfectly Proper National Peach Melba Day yesterday, but peach Melba was never on the menu at Durgin-Park in the first place, and why on earth would peach melba be celebrated in January when peaches are not in season? Probably to emphasize its upper-class origin. Traditionally the rich enjoy all the culinary delicacies out of season just because they can*.

We must never forget that no less a chef than the Great Escoffier Himself created this deliciously simple (and simply delicious) dessert in homage to the great singer Dame Nellie Melba Herself following her performance in Lohengrin. (Granted, it’s much simpler when not served in an ice swan, as originally done.) So of course that would be much too grand for Durgin-Park, the last home of Indian pudding.

Owing to an unfortunate allergy to peaches, Etiquetteer is no longer able to enjoy this Exquisite Pleasure of the Table. But if served it, you may be sure that Etiquetteer would just pick wistfully at the ice cream without making a fuss. Let’s not make a fuss about our dietary issues, shall we?

So that was all supposed to be yesterday. Today, the second Monday of January, is National Clean Off Your Desk Day, a handy reminder for anyone who made New Year’s resolutions to Get On With It in a non-threatening manner. That said, you may be sure that Etiquetteer is casting a Most Threatening Glance in the direction of That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much. Just think (oh, the shame of it!), he has not even begun his Lovely Notes from Christmas. Let’s get on with it, people! We all have bits of the Old Year still clinging to us: unanswered letters and bills, Lovely Notes unwritten and unsent, reports to file, etc. Take some time today to Clear the Deck, and if so inclined, post a photo of your clean desktop to Etiquetteer’s Facebook page. If it helps, pretend you’re the Second Mrs. DeWinter getting rid of all Rebecca’s things. Perhaps Mrs. Danvers will give you a gold star for tidiness . . .

*Readers of Edith Wharton will immediately recall her short story After Holbein.

Last Dinner at Durgin-Park, Vol. 18, Issue 2

“There’s a time and a place for everything,” Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother used to say.* And though Dear Mother would not say there’s a time and a place for rudeness, Boston’s fabled Durgin-Park restaurant made itself the Place for Rudeness. But its Time has now passed. Yesterday night the unthinkable happened; Durgin-Park closed for good after 192 (!) years of slinging traditional Yankee cooking and traditional Yankee sass. “Then let us drown an eye, unus’d to flow,” and all that, but in spite of all the hand-wringing, perhaps D-P’s time really had come.

On a whim one night last week, Etiquetteer headed over for one Last Supper (much as last year at the closing of Brasserie JO, but more out of curiosity than sadness). Since a last visit in 2007, everything was reassuringly the same, but the line to go upstairs to the market dining rooms stretched all the way from the front door back to the bar. Durgin-Park is not the sort of place to go for Those Who Expect Deference, so Etiquetteer was by turns amused and frustrated by a Family Man getting testy about a reservation (a reservation! at Durgin-Park!) not being honored and having to wait in line, blah blah blah. Another patron not quite quietly told him off by saying “Y’know, they’re closing on Saturday. Do you really think they’re gonna worry about it?” Sometimes the most important part of Perfect Propriety is knowing When to Let It Go.**

After about 20 minutes in a chilly line overhearing both Fond Reminiscence and Mounting Impatience, Etiquetteer was finally admitted up the steep staircase to the market dining room and shown a seat at one of the tables. All these new restaurants with their community tables . . . people, the idea is not a new one! It got started at pretension-free eating places like D-P 200 years ago and more. Diners talk among themselves, or generally, or keep apart, as they choose. It’s bad form to be too exclusive in such surroundings, but Perfectly Proper to be on one’s own if that’s your preference.

Amidst the hubbub one saw pairs of diners able to have quiet conversations, family groups that somehow all got to sit together, and mountains of down jackets. Let’s talk about the dress code, such as it is. In a market dining room or any community table setting, you take what you get - all are welcome regardless of dress. And while Etiquetteer witnessed lots of down jackets and jeans, one gentleman stood out in a shiny brocade dinner jacket with pink ruffled shirt and extravagant cowboy boots. Etiquetteer felt practically incognito without a bow tie, but then recalled a time in the dining room when a crabby waitress called out “Hey Einstein!” to Collegiate Etiquetteer . . . there are ways and ways one’s clothes call attention. Sometimes it’s best to stand out by blending in.

And speaking of dress, it’s worth noting that almost all of the waitresses wore the traditional white uniform dress that used to be standard for waitresses and nurses. Often accessorized (by necessity) with a black sweater, it was an important reminder that that overused word “authentic” is not synonymous with “precious.”

Etiquetteer saw fresh pink-and-red tablecloths being laid over soiled pink-and-red tablecloths to keep the service going swiftly. At D-P, you get a knife, a fork, a napkin, and a tumbler; there’s a communal water pitcher on the table. Don’t ask for lemon. Etiquetteer’s favorite meal at D-P has ever been the Yankee pot roast and strawberry shortcake. Alas, the half-tub of non-dairy whipped topping that came with Etiquetteer’s shortcake was still partially frozen. Which begs the question: if D-P had upped its game in the kitchen, by continuing to turn out traditional Yankee favorites but at truly top quality, would the doors be closing?

Etiquetteer’s waitress, and several others, expressed hope that a buyer would come along at the last minute, to save this iconic institution. Hope, as they say, springs eternal. If so, let’s hope they keep Durgin-Park just as it’s always been, but with a better kitchen.

*She still does, too.

**That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much should pay attention to that . . .

Durgin-Park, Rest in Peace, Vol. 18, Issue 1

Welcome to the New Year, and to a new volume of Etiquetteer! Alas, this volume begins with an ending, the surprise news yesterday evening that the storied restaurant Durgin-Park, '“established before you were born,” will close January 12, 2019. Its “market dining rooms,” originally serving workers of all shifts as well as sailors from Boston Harbor, were gleefully absorbed into the “festival marketplace” that Faneuil Hall became in the 1970s. Over the years Etiquetteer has also met many men of the Greatest Generation who, as college students, would flock to D-P on the weekends for its economical steak special. The restaurant is a Bostonian touchstone for older generations and for those who love traditional New England foods.

Mark White, the son of Boston Mayor Kevin White who led that transformation, was quoted saying that Durgin-Park is “part of the soul of the city.” Etiquetteer must respectfully disagree. In the last 50 years it may have been so for visitors to the city, but for the locals - not so much. Indeed, many have suggested that D-P was “cooking for the tourists” for years.

Part of the restaurant’s fame came from the deliberately crabby attitude of its waitresses - and Etiquetteer has met many men of the Greatest Generation who, returning after long years away, discovered that the memory of a crabby waitress is better than her reappearance with bad service. Etiquetteer has never been a fan of the rudeness schtick anywhere, but still raises a glass in grateful memory to the crabby D-P waitress who taught him how to eat king crab legs. Many years ago in the 1980s, Collegiate Etiquetteer celebrated a professional milestone with The Boss over dinner at D-P and ordered the surf and turf - which that night happened to be king crab legs. For those unfamiliar, this is a collection of hard shell tubes with a sharp point at one end and an opening at the other. Etiquetteer, completely at a loss, was picking away at the opening with a fork as a crabby waitress came by. “Ya nevah gonna get much that way, deah!” she cried. Almost seizing the crab leg and the fork, she fit one tine down one side of the shell and, using the fork as a can opener, deftly cracked open the entire leg. Thank ya, deah!

Those crabby waitresses also knew how to turn on the charm for a rowdy version of “Happy Birthday!” of which Collegiate Etiquetteer was once the focus long ago. They were not going to let the occasion go unobserved!

The city of Boston has undergone several restaurant closings lately. L’Espalier just announced that it’s closing, a blow for those who love fine French cuisine. Jacob Wirth announced last year it was up for sale, a threat to those who love good beer and German food (and for the theatre people who find it convenient to the stage door). And of course Etiquetteer is still mourning the closing last autumn of Brasserie JO, that beloved bistro, and a tear still falls when remembering when the Ritz-Carlton dining room closed (in the 1990s) for luncheon. Whether fine dining or market dining, restaurants help define our public lives and our Perfect Propriety. Indeed, it could be said that the community table that’s so popular in so many restaurants now got its start at Durgin-Park, where all individual diners were served at long tables in the market dining rooms - and you didn’t get to choose your seat either.

And the only way to keep the restaurants we value part of our communities is not to expect other people to keep them in business until we “feel like going.” Put your table manners to the test in public and head out to your favorite restaurant soon. You may not know it’s endangered until it’s too late!

Durgin-Park is a storied part of Boston, to be sure. But just as New York is getting along fine now with a Mrs. Astor, Boston will survive quite well without Durgin-Park. But perhaps we’d all better make reservations at the Union Oyster House . . .

A Toast for New Year's Eve 2018

It’s almost midnight! And Etiquetteer offers, once again, Noel Coward’s famous toast from Cavalcade.

Allow Etiquetteer to wish all of you a New Year of Perfect Propriety.

2018 Year in Review, Vol. 17, Issue 65

Fast away the Old Year passes, and Etiquetteer often likes to look back of the Perfect, and Imperfect, Propriety of the Old Year. And 2018 had plenty of both to offer.

Someone’s bad behavior dominated the news all year long; you know who it is without Etiquetteer having to say his name. The words of India Wilkes in Gone With the Wind still come vividly to mind: “You’ve done everything you can to lower the prestige of decent people.” And of a Great Nation, too. His behavior should goad us all to Set a Better Example of our own in our daily lives.

And so, to specific stories:

Early in the year Delta Airlines announced that it would be cracking down on abuses of the rules for traveling with emotional support animals. “Ignoring the true intent of existing rules governing the transport of support and service animals can be a disservice to customers with real and documented needs.,” said the airline in a statement. Sadly, the filp side of that Encouraging Development was the death of a French bulldog puppy on a United Airlines flight after the owners were ordered to put the dog (in its carrier) in an overhead compartment. The airline announced that it would now be working with American Humane to review their policies, and Etiquetteer hopes this will also result in improved employee training.

In the spring a French court denied citizenship to an Algerian woman who refused to shake hands with an immigration official citing religious custom. This put the old saying “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” up against the other old saying “A gentleman never forces his attentions on a lady.” Etiquetteer sides with the lady. Still, it’s embarrassing when a profferred hand is refused, and it can be humliating when it happens in public. So Etiquetteer has a certain sympathy with the official. But is refusal to shake hands grounds for a denial of citizenship? Etiquetteer finds that penalty extreme.

What people display on their lawns, and how disapproval was expressed about them, also made the news. The first case had to do with hanging laundry out to dry and an anonymous letter requesting that it stop. There’s Nothing Improper about hang-drying laundry, though one’s front yard should be used only as a Last Resort. The second had to do with a December display of inflatable dragons that one anonymous neighbor felt was too “cult-like” to be Perfectly Proper for Christmas. Observe that in both cases the issues became public when the anonymous complaints were made public via social media by the recipients and then picked up by the news media. Anonymous letters are possibly the most cowardly way to resolve a problem. Etiquetteer doesn’t recommend it. In fact, they backfired. Public support for both the laundry and the dragons was very encouraging, thereby defeating the aims of the anonymous complainers.

The House of Windsor celebrated two weddings: Prince Harry to Meghan Markle, now known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, and Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank, now known as Princess Eugenie and Mr. Brooksbank. Etiquetteer certainly enjoyed covering the weddings, especially from the point of view of the show-stopping Greville Emerald Kokoshnik Tiara that used Princess Eugenie as a Tiara Delivery System.

One of the biggest issues on the restaurant front was when Sarah Huckabee Sanders and her party were asked to leave a restaurant because of her position in the current administration. That certainly made Etiquetteer reflect on the dinner Mrs. Vanderbilt gave for the German ambassador . . . after World War I was declared . . .

Also in the restaurant world, one waitress took action against bad behavior. Lots of men, including many who think of themselves as gentlemen, used to get away with patting women on the backside or “copping a feel,” but no more. Over the summer one waitress had enough and decked a restaurant patron who felt her up. The man was arrested, too.

Aretha Franklin’s funeral made headlines in September, not least for a bishop’s inappropriate (though probably unintended) contact with the bosom of singer Ariana Grande. Etiquetteer used a few examples from the funeral to discuss How Not to Upstage the Deceased.

People who care about matters of manners made news, too. Former White House social secretaries Mary Jane McCaffree (Eisenhower) and Nancy Tuckerman (Kennedy) died, and UK etiquette expert William Hanson started a hilarious podcast with radio personality Jordan North, “Help, I Sexted My Boss.”

Aaron Gouveia, the father of a five-year-old boy who paints his fingernails, took a stand against bullying after his son was publicly shamed by his schoolmates. Etiquetteer voted Mr. Gouveia Father of the Year in a column on manicures for men. Also from the schoolroom, a Connecticut school put an end to parental visits to the lunchroom. Etiquetteer cannot even imagine why this Parental Indulgence was allowed in the first place.

Bad behavior on public transportation continued to make news. In Boston a woman named Jada Campbell not only refused to move her bag off a seat when asked by a 71-year-old woman, but then punched her when she tried to move the bag. Your bag isn’t entitled to a seat. Period. And violence is never the way to solve a problem. Etiquetteer hopes Ms. Campbell’s arrest has changed her attitude. In December another rider brought a gigantic live Christmas tree onto the Red Line at rush hour - NOT Perfectly Proper!

The list could go on, of course, but by all means share your best and/or worst moments of 2018 Perfect Propriety with Etiquetteer. Let’s all do our best to make 2019 a Most Proper Year Indeed!

Time for Lovely Notes, Vol. 17, Issue 64

Dear Readers:

Now is definitely the time to get started on those Lovely Notes of Thanks for all the nice presents you just received! Etiquetteer has a few words from the writing desk to get you started (if you haven’t yet started).

Yes, it’s true that Lovely Notes are a more effective way to communicate gratitude than phone calls, emails, or text messages. Handwritten notes “not your style”? Too bad! You don’t want to give the impression that Gratitude isn’t your style, do you? You might discover that Generosity isn’t the style of gift-givers who feel neglected. So reach for that box of stationery and get crackin’!

Thanks at Christmas, 2018

“At this most festive season of the year,” as they say in Dickens’s famous A Christmas Carol, it’s important to remember to thank those who make Christmas special for us: the clergy, music directors and musicians, the retail staff who project Infinite Patience, and especially those who are cooking and serving good food to us. Don’t forget to say thank you; it’s the Most Perfectly Proper thing you can do.

And with that, allow Etiquetteer to wish you a very happy, merry, and Perfectly Proper Christmas.

Holiday Parties at the Office, Vol 17, Issue 63

Halfway through December, we’re already thick into the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. So you may already have been through the holiday gathering of your workplace. But just in case it’s yet to come, Etiquetteer has a few words of advice for getting through it with Perfect Propriety.

Keep it light. Office socializing can help colleagues work better together by fostering a sense of community as well as personal understanding. That doesn’t mean that the annual holiday do is the right time to dig more deeply into that budget issue or policy disagreement, and especially not to be adding action items to anyone’s list. Think of your office party chatter as a feather. It can only stay airborne if it’s light. If you need some help getting started, topics most people will have something to say about include holiday plans and shopping, and of course the weather. Etiquetteer should not have to tell you to Stay Off Politics.

Dress appropriately. This is still a professional gathering and you need to appear as a professional. Unless otherwise stated in the invitation, wear what you’d ordinarily wear to the office with one or two “deft and tasteful suggestions” of holiday flair. (You may be sure that Etiquetteer will have on a Perfectly Proper Christmas bow tie when the time comes.) If there’s a theme dress code (e.g. “Holiday colors” or “Ugly sweater”), accommodate as much as you feel comfortable.

No more than one drink. Really! The stereotype of the drunk coworker is well known in American life, and there’s a reason: it really happens. Dorothy Parker’s witticism “One more drink and I’ll be under the host” takes on alarming connotations when your host is the CEO of your company or, worse, your boss. Remember the wise words of Billie Holliday in “God Bless the Child:” “You can help yourself, but don’t take too much.”

Don’t drink and dash. Holiday parties come in all sizes and formats, but it’s best not to leave until after the remarks or, if a meal is served, after dessert. This isn’t always possible, of course. Alert your supervisor in advance if you really can’t avoid leaving earlier.

A toast! Sometimes at these gatherings a speaker will call for a toast in honor of a company leader, or even of the entire staff, as a salute for a job well done. It’s still Bad Form not to drink a toast. But the old supersition about drinking a toast with water bringing bad luck has been swept away with greater sensibility about Alcohol Abuse. Don’t let anyone force alcohol on you, but be sure to have a glass of sparkling water on hand (perhaps with a festive shot of cranberry juice in it). And no clinking of glasses, please. When standing around in large groups, all that’s needed is to raise the glass, repeat the toast (“To us!”) or reply “Hear hear!” and take a sip. Etiquetteer still remembers this commercial from childhood, but it is Not How Things Are Done.

Thank the organizer(s). Gatherings like this can be a lot of work for little acknowledgement. Etiquetteer encourages you to find out who Made Things Happen and thank them, either in person at the party or later by Lovely Note or email. Your expression of gratitude will go a long way.

Finally, don’t be that guy trying to be all creepy-kissy about getting someone under the mistletoe. Seriously, don’t be that guy.

Etiquetteer would like to wish you a Perfectly Proper Holiday Party at the office.

Holiday Un-Invitations, Vol. 17, Issue 62

Dear Etiquetteer:

I hope you can help me with a quandary. For a decade or more, my housemate and I have held a New Year's Eve Open House. We send out 150 or more invitations to people from all aspects of our lives, and often have eighty to a hundred people stop by to celebrate the turning year.

This year we have decided against the New Year's Open House. We are, however, planning a separate theme party in February, whose invitee list will include most of the folks usually invited to New Year's Eve.

We know of many people who 'count on' attending our New Year's Eve event. Is there an appropriate way to inform people about a party that is not happening? Should we send out the February invites early, say in December, as a signal that the New Year's event is not occurring? If so, should an early invite to the February party mention that we will not be holding the New Year's Eve party?

Please advise how to handle this celebration conundrum.

Dear Open Housing:

What you are thinking of is the un-invitation, which comes up more often than you’d think. Etiquetteer has responded to queries about how to tell guests not to expect an invitation before, and you’ll note that while guests should not assume that there’s a party without an invitation, it’s not a bad thing to “control one’s narrative.”

Your query leaves Etiquetteer concerned, though. If both guest lists completely overlapped, there would be no difficulty in a message like “We wanted to let you know that instead of our New Year’s Eve open house we’re looking forward to welcoming you all to a Separate Theme Party in February. Stay tuned for an invitation in January!” But including information about a party for those who Aren’t Invited is not Perfectly Proper and likely to leave them feeling slighted. In that case, it would be more circumspect to send two messages: an un-invitation to your New Year’s list and a save-the-date to your Separate Theme Party list.

Etiquetteer wishes you and your housemate Joy in your preparations!

Holiday Gift-Giving from a Distance, Vol. 17, Issue 61

Dear Etiquetteer:

So, what’s the proper way to send gifts to people who live states away that you won’t see for the holidays? What I really mean is whether or not to wrap the present and then ship the wrapped present (which you have to put in another brown box before shipping).

Dear States Away:

Whatever you decide, if you’re shopping for Christmas and you want your gifts to arrive before December 25, get started NOW. Everyone knows that the Most Wonderful Time of the Year is also the Busiest Time of Year for the United States Postal Service and all the other delivery services. The closer you get to Christmas, the chance of your package(s) arriving in time decreases and the risk of them Getting Lost or Damaged in the Shuffle increases. And a lost or damaged package increases the risk of Lapses in Perfect Propriety. The USPS deadline for first-class and priority mail is December 20, but why wait until then? Don’t delay!

Now Etiquetteer is One of Those People who believe in the element of Surprise at the holidays. So wrapping a gift before mailing it helps keep a gift a surprise. If you’re no good at wrapping a gift perfectly - and let’s face it, That Mr. Dimmick fails on that account every year - at least add a ribbon or a bow to make an effort toward Perfect Festivity. If you’re ordering from a catalog, often they charge extra to gift-wrap purchases. Consult your overall budget before making that decision. If you can, it’s a Perfectly Proper touch.

In the 21st century, with so many opportunities for instant communication, it’s helpful to let your gift recipients know that they should expect a package from you, and with the instruction that wrapped gifts “are not to be opened until December 25.”

Etiquetteer also believes that it’s Good Manners not to let gift recipients know how much you spent. When mailing a package yourself, you have much more assurance that the gift is wrapped without the receipt. Opinion is sharply divided on this subject, as so very many people want to provide gift receipts to guard against the Need for Exchange. Etiquetteer doesn’t really like it, but does have to acknowledge that a gift receipt often helps when gifts are given at a distance.

Lastly, and you probably already know this, if you’re sending a breakable gift, don’t skimp on the stuffing. Whether you prefer actual popcorn, Styrofoam peanuts, or traditional excelsior, pack your breakable gift with plenty of it both in the gift box and the shipping box.

Etiquetteer wishes you success and timely delivery in your efforts to spread the Spirit of the Holiday of Your Choice to Absent Friends!

Joan Crawford on Entertaining, Vol. 17, Issue 60

Earlier this week three or four friends referred Etiquetteer to the latest Joan Crawford meme (see above). This time, for a refreshing change, the subject isn’t child abuse, bad behavior, or Bette Davis, but entertaining at home. And vodka. In fact the part of this meme that seems to have captivated most people is the last two sentences: “Another important party secret is I always add a splash of vodka to everything. Nobody ever knows and everyone ends up having a wonderful time.”

Etiquetteer recognized the first part of this lengthy quotation. It comes from La Crawford’s book My Way of Life, which really lets you into the rarefied state of mind she inhabited in her last decade. Her advice on how to assemble a group of party guests, “The best parties are a wild mixture of people,” comes in Chapter IV, “The Pleasure of Company.” Unfortunately, it does not include advice on the Secret Omnipresence of Vodka! Which just goes to show, once again, that just because something is on the Internet doesn’t make it true. (If you have an original source for Joan Crawford saying it, please send it to Etiquetteer at once. And no, Tumblr isn’t an original source.)

“So, what about Joan Crawford’s party advice,” you might ask. “Is it any good? Does it hold up in the 21st century, Etiquetteer?” For the most part, yes. Much of this chapter is the typical advice for a Perfectly Proper party: plan well and plan well in advance, hire help if you can afford it, keep the hot food hot and the cold food cold, don’t always serve the same foods to the same people, etc. For Joan, twelve was the best number for a dinner party. One unexpected gem came from her good friend William Haines: you can move the party from one room in your house to another, but not from one place to another. She also suggests how to plan so that one of the helpers can tidy in the living room while everyone is serving themselves in the dining room by emptying ashtrays and clearing empty glasses. Etiquetteer doesn’t know about you, but has very rarely been to a party in the last ten years at which ashtrays were even required.

She also suggests “rehearsing” your outfit. “Whether you’re having only six for dinner or fifty for cocktails, wear a lovely gown. A hotess has earned the right to look special. When all the other ladies wear short skirts, she can look smashing in a long one, or in hostess pajamas. She can sparkle, glitter, and greet her guests in a riot of color. It’s her special privilege.”

While that whole “splash of vodka” thing is amusing, Etiquetteer has to be very stern in advising you against it. Aside from those who are recovering from addiction or have medical reasons to avoid alcohol (and you may not know), you never know who might be subject to random drug testing because of their careers (and you may not know). Etiquetteer must urge you not to take the chance.

Returning to Joan’s original advice about mixing up the generations - it’s wonderful, and you should do it. One has older friends for wisdom, good stories, and good humor, and one has young friends for freshness, originality, and good humor. Whoever created this meme, however, has totally dissed the sciences. In the book, the sentence ends “. . . a hairdresser, a professor of physics, toss them all together, and try to get them to stop talking long enough to eat!” Academics make very entertaining guests, and should always be included!

And with that, Etiquetteer will conclude with the words of the late Mame Dennis, “Then we’ll just add water and stir.”

Ending Gift-Giving for Children, Vol. 17, Issue 59

Dear Etiquetteer:

Many years ago my siblings and I mutually decided to stop exchanging gifts with one another and only give to the children. The oldest of these children is now married with children of his own and the youngest is in her mid-teens. It has been quite some time since I’ve been able to find gifts that amuse or delight them. I see them five or six times a year and they are only interested in electronic gizmos. They are not at all interested in books, which is my moderately priced gift of choice. So I have fallen into giving them some candy and money, which they thank me for but don’t really seem to care about.

When and how do I end gift giving? Do I discuss it with my nephews and nieces or with their parents? It seems a much more awkward conversation than when my siblings discontinued gift giving, because here the giving is only going in one direction.

Thank you for your consideration of this matter. I wish you a most happy Thanksgiving Day!

Dear Auntie:

Every family needs to handle gift-giving in the way that works for that particular family. Since your family has focused gift-giving on children, and adulthood in the United States is conferred with the right to vote at at age 18, why not present a final gift at the holiday before the child’s 18th birthday? As long as you can do this without a “This is your very last Christmas gift for me!” kind of message, it should be fine.

For your teen nephews and nieces, you need to consult with your siblings about what their children do and don’t like. Etiquetteer feels sure there’s something more to their desires than electronics. You may also want to consider the gift of an experience with you, whether that’s a live performance, a museum visit, a sports outing, or something similar.

So much of this depends on the kind of relationship you want to have with your nieces and nephews beyond the mere giving of gifts. Eventually they will be adults, and you’ll be able to maintain relationships with them without having to go through their parents. This could turn out to be rich and rewarding for both of you, especially as interests in the wider world become more prominent after puberty. Etiquetteer believes that attention given to children and teens is appreciated, even if they don’t express obvious gratitude. (Nieces and nephews of the world - is this true? Let Etiquetteer know what you think with a quick message.) While one-sided relationships often feel unrewarding, in this case Etiquetteer encourages you not to throw in the towel just yet.

When Etiquetteer first read your query the first thing to spring to mind was the Christmas card of the little Edwardian girl praying by her stocking “Dear God, Please no more educational toys!" One gift (whether they care for it or not) to consider is stationery. (Etiquetteer can just see his own nephews and niece reacting to this . . .)

Etiquetteer wishes you confidence and contentment as you approach the Holiday of Your Choice. Please do write back to let Etiquetteer know what happened.

If you’re casting around for some good gift-giving ideas that will promote Perfect Propriety, check out Etiquetteer’s 2018 holiday gift guide. If drinking gin is more your style, then reserve your tickets now for Etiquetteer’s Repeal Day Celebration at the Gibson House Museum on Friday, December 7!

A Special Thanksgiving Message for the Readers of Etiquetteer

Dear Readers:

This Thanksgiving, Etiquetteer wants to express gratitude to you, not just for your interest in what Etiquetteer has to say, but in Perfect Propriety in general and in a world in which good manners don’t just make a difference, but are valued.

Hard to believe, but Etiquetteer will be 18 years old in less than three months! This journey would not have been possible without your engagement. After, all, what good is an advice columnist if no one is asking for advice? Thank you for your thoughtful questions, interesting insights, and sometimes absorbing commentary on social media. Thank you, too, for introducing other friends to Etiquetteer! There’s infinite space at the Etiquetteer party for more seekers of Perfect Propriety.

For this Thanksgiving, Etiquetteer wishes you joy gathering with those you love around a festive table with enough forks, your favorite recipes, successful avoidance of hot-button topics, jokes that make it hurt to laugh, and affection given and received.

Yours gratefully,

Etiquetteer

Etiquetteer's 2018 Holiday Gift Guide

Etiquetteer always likes to cast about for a few gift suggestions that will promote Perfect Propriety in one form or another. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this year’s gift guide is weighted heavily toward books and stationery. But you’ll find other items of interest in the And More! section at the bottom.

STATIONERY

Who doesn’t love Jacqueline Kennedy, one of America’s most iconic First Ladies? Jake Gariepy at Dapper and Dreamy is a big fan, and he’s created beautiful notecards featuring ensembles from her official wardrobe. Set of eight different notecards for $20. Be sure to check out his other Jackie and White House designs, too!

For the horticulturalist in your life, or just your favorite flower child, consider this boxed set of four wildflower notecards from photographer Thomas S. Robinson at Zoomdak. $14.99 per box.

Good design marries vintage in these severely beautiful notecards from Crane featuring the famous Airstream camper. $24 per box of ten.

Place cards help with every dinner - people really do want to know there’s a place for them - and Etiquetteer finds these Audubon flamingo place cards from Caspari quite charming. $4.50 per set of eight.

BOOKS

One of the best reads this year for Perfect Propriety is Joseph Esposito’s Dinner in Camelot. His account of President and Mrs. Kennedy’s unprecedented (and Perfectly Proper) 1962 dinner for Nobel laureates recaptures an historic moment to which we must find a way to return. Read Etiquetteer’s review here.

Etiquetteer has admired the no-holds-barred work of Amy Alkon ever since her book Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck. Her newest book, UnF*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence, promises to be a breathtaking followup as she drives the self-help car through the intersection of etiquette and science.

Etiquetteer loved the rowdiness of Brunch Is Hell by Brendan Newnam and Rico Gagliano (read Etiquetteer’s review here), and it will make a wonderful gift for those who want to dip their toes into the waters of home entertaining but may be hung up on Perfection. (Please note: Perfection is different from Perfect Propriety.)

Of course the big event in the etiquette world is the release of the 19th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette, lovingly updated by her great-great-grandchildren Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning. There’s no more Perfectly Proper gift for Those Who Are Getting Started as Grownups (e.g. graduates, newlyweds, and first-time home buyers). Check out their Awesome Etiquette podcast, too.

James Sherwood’s new book Jewelry for Gentlemen promises to please your peacocky pals. Read an excellent interview with the author by The Jewellery Editor. But remember the famous advice of the late Coco Chanel: put on everything you think is right, and then take one piece off.

For fans of Golden Age Hollywood, the hot new read is Seduction: Sex, Lies, and Stardom in Howard Hughes’s Hollywood by renowned “You Must Remember This” podcaster Karina Longworth. Etiquetteer is more than a little in love with the podcast, so of course the book will be riveting. We already know that Howard Hughes was NOT so Perfectly Proper with the ladies . . .

And for those who love to celebrate bad behavior - and you know who you are - there’s Ruth Goodman’s How to Behave Badly in Elizabethan England: A Guide for Knaves, Fools, Harlots, Cuckolds, Drunkards, Liars, Thieves, and Braggarts. What a romp! “The author has a wicked taste for the objectionable and the wit to deliver it in a wholly enjoyable, even educational way,” according to Kirkus. Readers will enjoy finding 21st-century parallels and Tudor and Stuart English (bad) manners.

Last but far from least in the book category we have Drinking Like Ladies, a must-have for mixologists and those who love them. Misty Kalkofen and Kirsten Amann have assembled a mouth-watering lineup of drinks for that special hour between 5 and 7 PM. Just remember to keep your pinkies in.

AND MORE!

For something unique, especially for those who have recently purchased a new home, consider a custom house portrait by Jake Gariepy over at Dapper and Dreamy. You can be sure that no one else will have thought of it!

If you know someone who likes novelty and is also so stressed they’re clawing the ceiling, consider Honor Bath Tea from Sand Creek Restoratives. Etiquetteer, who still hasn’t scheduled that tour of Japenese onsen, was fascinated to see how Sand Creek has taken the traditional basic salt-and-soda bath to another level by adding a combination of herbs to it. $8 per sachet, and Sand Creek gladly donates 20% of all profits from this product to Project K-9 Hero.

In great-grandma’s day, a lady’s evening bag didn’t need to have anything in it but a hankie, a housekey, and “mad money” for a taxi (if needed). These days a smartphone serves for the latter, but too many ladies don’t consider the former. Bumblebee Linens offers a charming selection of handkerchiefs for ladies, and Etiquetteer is especially charmed by those embroidered in color. Prices vary.

Certainly we hear a lot more about politics than hitherto, so for the political gentleman in your life, consider the Preambler Bow Tie from Etiquetteer’s beloved Beau Ties Ltd. $55.

The holidays bring out sweets almost as much as Hallowe’en does, including some delicious old-fashioned favorites. Coconut bonbons from the Vermont Country Store may be enjoyed not only between the courses of a dinner party, but also in bed while wearing your favorite marabou-trimmed peignoir. $15.90.

Finally, because so many good things conclude with chocolate, Etiquetteer feels compelled to recommend the chocolate snowmen of Burdick’s Chocolates. A luxurious grace note for any holiday function! Box of nine for $40.

Hospitality, Vol. 17, Issue 58

Dear Etiquetteer:

With the holiday season almost nigh, it’s time to consider how best to reciprocate the hospitality I have regularly received from my local social circle over time. I was raised that hospitality begets hospitality according to one’s reasonable means and abilities, and I’d regret to see that sensibility entirely wither as generations evolve. But with the difficulties of gathering people to places and at times that might not be congenial to their ability to receive hospitality, how might a socially considerate person continue to grow the virtuous circle of hospitality without too many bilateral games of social Twister?

Dear Hopeful Host:

So . . . you’re saying that you want to have a holiday party to repay social obligations, but it’s tough to get everyone in a group to show up at the same time and place, yes? And that it’s doubly difficult if the place (for instance, your home) isn’t convenient.

Once upon a time, the occasion came first, and the guest list formed around it. Now it’s the guest list that comes first, and occasion is accommodated so that no one misses it - no matter how tortured that accommodation gets. Somehow Etiquetteer can’t find the charm in scheduling a party via Doodle. Etiquetteer wants to encourage you to keep sending those invitations whether or not everyone on your guest list can participate! Giving In just isn’t an option, and not being able to accept an invitation is still better than not getting an invitation at all. Persevere!

Etiquetteer commends your thoughtfulness in wanting to create an occasion that will actually feel like Hospitality and not like an Obligation. Gathering a Defined Guest List at one time, especially during the holidays, will always be a moving target. Gathering them at a Place of Mutual Convenience, however, is easier. Here we see the beauty of entertaining in restaurants, whether they have private dining rooms or not. As long as you’re picking up the entire check, restaurant entertaining is no different from entertaining at home (except that you have a staff working for you). You’ll need to make it clear that it is your party by adding to your invitation “as my guest” after the location.

Dorothy Draper, in her delightfully frivolous book Entertaining Is Fun!, included some rather fanciful ideas about how to host a dinner in a restaurant. Visiting the restaurant in advance to reserve a table and meet with the manager or maître d’ is very wise. Picking out the exact table is borderline. Telling them what table linens and flowers to use is, in this century, out of bounds (unless you’re supplying them yourself and you’re in a private dining room with no other diners; otherwise it would be ostentatious in the extreme).

That said, there’s no reason not to bring some small souvenirs to decorate the table that your guests might take with them. Etiquetteer still has a flower power Rubik’s cube from a birthday luncheon years ago, not more than a cubic inch, but a happy memory. And it will not surprise you that Etiquetteer recommends placecards.

Dorothy Draper also recommends ordering the entire meal in advance; certainly it saves time. Etiquetteer loves how often she uses the phrase “superlatively well” throughout the book, especially about food. “Find out if [the chef] has not a dish that he makes superlatively.” But in this century, when attention to food allergies and dietary restrictions has become almost a religion and an Inquisition in one, you could easily run into trouble. Let’s face it, restaurant parties that aren’t Dutch treat are no longer the norm. While guests are still more likely to eat what you serve them at home without question, the practice of ordering what you want in a restaurant is so ingrained that it might throw some of your guests for a loop.

You might ask the manager if there are menus without prices for your guests. Once upon a time these were called “ladies menus” because the gentleman always paid. (This is the source of the consideration “A lady always orders from the middle of the menu.”)

Another solution, while far less orthodox, could be to give your party at the home of another friend if it’s a Location of Mutual Convenience. But it would have to be a good friend!

Etiquetteer wishes you happiness as you fulfill your social obligations in a way that everyone will enjoy.

Minimizing Interruptions, Vol. 17, Issue 57

Dear Etiquetteer:

Why do people interrupt when we are relaying a story? It seems after a few sentences in, it reminds them of something similar that happened to them and they have to tell it right then and not let you finish your story. Or they interrupt and finish my story! It has become so common that I often don't continue with my story after they are finished and rarely do they ask about the ending. Or if they have guessed about my story ending, I say yes or no, or “That is not what I was going to say” or “Guess again” or some other attempt to be funny but get the point across.

Dear Interrupted:

Interrupters interrupt out of enthusiasm (at least that’s the most benevolent explanation), impatience, and/or egotism (that’s the least benevolent explanation). Etiquetteer, lo these many years, has been looking daggers at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who has a terrible habit of interrupting others either to supply “the right word” or to speed things along. He never seems to understand that people need to tell their stories in their own way in their own time.

Someone wise once said to Etiquetteer that people take advantage of us as much as we allow. The time has come for you to stop allowing people to interrupt you. Like Congresswoman Maxine Waters, you need to “reclaim your time!”

There are a few different methods; experiment with what feels most comfortable (or least uncomfortable) to you.

• The Plough: When in the midst of a story and a companion interrupts for what might be a long time, just don’t stop talking. Continue telling your story. Raise your voice slightly if necessary to make the point that you have the floor and will not relinquish it.

• The Reverse: When interrupted, after collecting yourself, interrupt right back. “No, it’s actually a little different from the way you’re telling it. Now, back to me . . . “

• The Call Out: Just ask your interrupter point blank, “Are you interrupting me? Don’t worry, you’ll get your turn when I’m finished.”

• The Silent Treatment: Remain completely silent even after your interrupter has finished, and perhaps after all conversation has ceased. Focus your Steely Gaze on the interrupter. If someone asks you a question, respond with “Oh, am I allowed to talk again?” This will, of course, lead to a Big Discussion in which no one may wish to participate. Just be advised. In fact, let’s modify that to use less sarcasm. Sarcasm doesn’t do much good in social situations except on television.

All these might need to be accompanied by hand gestures.

From your query Etiquetteer picks up that there might be some Habitual Offenders in your life. You need to talk about this with them one on one, away from other people. Tell them you think they might be unaware of their behavior, but that you are, that it feels disrespectful, and that it needs to stop. Believe it or not, not all interrupters are aware of how often they steal the floor from others. And after you’ve had that conversation, stand up for yourself by using one of those methods above. Etiquetteer wishes you uninterrupted success in future conversations!

Table Manners, Holiday Cards, and Clothing for Congress, Vol. 17, Issue 56

Dear Etiquetteer:

At a recent luncheon for a large group of retirees, a lady across the table from me was confronted with her dessert cup of fresh fruit, atop which perched a strawberry unshorn of its leaves. She inquired of us in general as to whether it was polite to pick up the fruit in her fingers and pluck off the leaves by hand. We all agreed and thus the problem was solved by crowd-sourcing the solution. Those who faced similar dessert challenges joined her, thus creating social harmony. There was no silver (or plastic) strawberry huller implement provided.

At the same luncheon I saw the gentleman seated next to me spear his dinner roll with his fork. Comments?

Dear Lunching:

Indeed, strawberries may be eaten with Perfect Propriety with or without their leaves, but at a formal luncheon like the one you attended, they are most properly eaten with a dessert fork and/or spoon and not with the fingers. Etiquetteer tends to avoid this dilemma by hulling the strawberries before serving them. But there are chefs who like to have that one berry with its leaves to serve as a garnish.

Your mention of strawberries reminded Etiquetteer that Emily Post’s great-great-grandchildren covered a very similar question in episode 192 of their Awesome Etiquette podcast. They also kindly shared Etiquetteer’s response in episode 198!

As for the gentleman spearing his roll on a fork, no, that is NOT Perfectly Proper. A roll is properly broken by hand and buttered one piece at a time before being eaten. Your comment gives Etiquetteer the chance to advocate for the return of the soft roll, particularly the famous Parker House roll. Some of the baseball-sized rolls you find in a bread basket these days are as hard as baseballs, too! Get into a fight with those and you might lose a fingernail or a tooth. Etiquetteer vaguely remembers years ago reading something about round French rolls so hard that the custom was to soak them in red wine as part of a picnic lunch. Frankly, that just sounds like too much work. Let’s lead a renaissance of the soft roll so we can get back to having real conversation at the table and not just talk about the food!

In other news, Thanksgiving is only two weeks away, which means that the Season of Holiday Cards is shortly to begin. In the time remaining, Etiquetteer encourages you to start verifying the addresses on your list. There’s nothing like getting stack of return-to-sender envelopes; Etiquetteer even got one one year marked “They haven’t lived here in ten years!” So let your list check be your “ounce of prevention” for the Holiday Season really kicks off.

Finally, Etiquetteer was most interested in this article about how the results of the midterm election yesterday could change the Congressional dress code. While the traditional uniform for men is unlikely to change, it was suggested that Republican men are likely to retain the red “power tie.” But with record numbers of women being elected to Congress, this reporter noted the absence of the color pink, the reduced presence of the traditional string of cultured pearls, and what might seem to be the demise of the pantsuit for women. Let’s check in after the lame duck session to see what’s what.

Election Day 2018

Etiquetteer voted early today. While many people take advantage of early or absentee voting (and Etiquetteer would not dream of denying them), Etiquetteer values the community aspect of voting on Election Day, the image of a nation coming together to express its (albeit divided and clamorous) voice.

Happily no divided or clamorous voices were raised at Etiquetteer’s polling place! Everyone behaved in an orderly way, nor did Etiquetteer see any Overtly Partisan Apparel. When you vote today (when, not if!) be sure to thank the poll workers for their service.

Floating in the halls of the polling place, clearly abandoned from a birthday the day before, this balloon surely didn’t get to vote, but expressed a positive message. Etiquetteer remains buoyed with hope as a a result.