“Reputation, reputation!” — Victor von Frankenstein*
“He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips**.” — Proverbs 20:19
Dear Etiquetteer:
It has recently come to my attention that an ex-partner has been circulating all sorts of baseless and malicious stories about myself to anyone who will listen. This poses a problem as we have friends and acquaintances in common, some of whom have no qualms whatsoever in questioning further based on what has been said about me. My question to you is this: how does a person politely go about defending themselves when accused of malicious nonsense? My concern is that a failure to answer would be taken as admission whereas any answer at all is a loss of one’s temper and therefore impolite and graceless.
Dear Silently Outraged:
Etiquetteer is so sorry that you have to go through this. The best defense has always been to live your life in such a way that any malice directed at you would be unbelievable on its face. Of course that’s a high bar to clear. Etiquetteer could not clear it, and as for That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much . . . nuffus dixit! It didn’t even work for Catherine of Aragon, that Pillar of Domestic Virtue. That business about Virtue being its own reward is the bunk.
Etiquetteer appreciates that you want to deflect this situation politely, when it’s much more natural to go for the jugular. Dignified Silence remains Perfectly Proper, besides being a Time-Honored Standard. Even so, it isn’t always possible. That the source of these rumors is an ex-partner should encourage you that anything said can be brushed off. “Oh, Pat! Still upset about our breakup and invested in making things difficult for me. None of it’s true. Just disregard.” Reverse the narrative. The real story is about your ex spreading lies, not about anything you did. Etiquetteer doesn’t see the need for a social media post on the subject***, but something to address individually with friends when they bring it up (or if they already have).
What’s more disturbing to Etiquetteer is those of your circle so eager to gossip that they are asking for more details. That says more about who they are than it does about you. Use that knowledge to create some distance. Cultivate more distant acquaintances in your circle, and new friends.
Etiquetteer understands your anxiety not to be thought of as losing your temper. The manner of your response will make all the difference here. Remaining calm in difficult situations is always the best defense. Instead of Vesuvius, be the placid stream slowly wearing down the rocks.
Etiquetteer wishes you the victory of Truth over Malice, and a circle of undoubted friends.
*That’s FRONK-en-steen.
**More simply translated as “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”
***Etiquetteer almost said “press release” . . . how dated!