Gossip, Vol. 23, Issue 65

“Reputation, reputation!” — Victor von Frankenstein*

“He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips**.” — Proverbs 20:19

Dear Etiquetteer:

It has recently come to my attention that an ex-partner has been circulating all sorts of baseless and malicious stories about myself to anyone who will listen. This poses a problem as we have friends and acquaintances in common, some of whom have no qualms whatsoever in questioning further based on what has been said about me. My question to you is this: how does a person politely go about defending themselves when accused of malicious nonsense? My concern is that a failure to answer would be taken as admission whereas any answer at all is a loss of one’s temper and therefore impolite and graceless.

Dear Silently Outraged:

Etiquetteer is so sorry that you have to go through this. The best defense has always been to live your life in such a way that any malice directed at you would be unbelievable on its face. Of course that’s a high bar to clear. Etiquetteer could not clear it, and as for That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much . . . nuffus dixit! It didn’t even work for Catherine of Aragon, that Pillar of Domestic Virtue. That business about Virtue being its own reward is the bunk.

Etiquetteer appreciates that you want to deflect this situation politely, when it’s much more natural to go for the jugular. Dignified Silence remains Perfectly Proper, besides being a Time-Honored Standard. Even so, it isn’t always possible. That the source of these rumors is an ex-partner should encourage you that anything said can be brushed off. “Oh, Pat! Still upset about our breakup and invested in making things difficult for me. None of it’s true. Just disregard.” Reverse the narrative. The real story is about your ex spreading lies, not about anything you did. Etiquetteer doesn’t see the need for a social media post on the subject***, but something to address individually with friends when they bring it up (or if they already have).

What’s more disturbing to Etiquetteer is those of your circle so eager to gossip that they are asking for more details. That says more about who they are than it does about you. Use that knowledge to create some distance. Cultivate more distant acquaintances in your circle, and new friends.

Etiquetteer understands your anxiety not to be thought of as losing your temper. The manner of your response will make all the difference here. Remaining calm in difficult situations is always the best defense. Instead of Vesuvius, be the placid stream slowly wearing down the rocks.

Etiquetteer wishes you the victory of Truth over Malice, and a circle of undoubted friends.

*That’s FRONK-en-steen.

**More simply translated as “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”

***Etiquetteer almost said “press release” . . . how dated!

Declining Thanksgiving Dinner, Vol. 23, Issue 64

“She’s to keep to two subjects: the weather and everybody’s health—Fine day and How do you do, you know — and not to let herself go on things in general. That will be safe.” — Henry Higgins, Pygmalion, by George Bernard Shaw

“You know, we must have a nice talk about the Civil War sometime — just you and I.” — Marie Dressler as Carlotta Vance in Dinner at Eight (1933)

Is it just Etiquetteer, or is there a lot more chatter this year about whether or not to go to Thanksgiving dinner as usual? Unsurprisingly, politics is the cause. It feels like a great reordering of our relationships is taking place — just in time for the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. How are we to get through this with Perfect Propriety? Of course Etiquetteer believes there is still a place for Perfect Propriety, in both our daily and national lives. We need to make a stand for the things we love, don’t we? Etiquetteer still believes good manners have a place. Presumably you do, too, or you wouldn’t be reading this.

Now we all know that politics is one of the Forbidden Topics at a dinner*. And we all know people who just breeze by that taboo and babble or rant away, absolutely not caring who they make uncomfortable. (Some of them even count on it — sadists.) For those who have suffered in silence for many years, this may be the time to send regrets instead and make other plans. And . . . it may not. Psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert makes the case for accepting the invitation anyway here.

Etiquetteer wrote in a recent column on Civic Pride that “we ourselves need to model the behavior we most want to see.” So if Kindness and Courtesy have a value for you (and Etiquetteer thinks they should), you should decline invitations kindly. That doesn’t mean you have to be dishonest. “It’s kind of you to invite me again, but I don’t want to risk any political discussion this year, and that always seems to come up. Thanks for understanding.”

If someone declines your Thanksgiving invitation, of course you may express your disappointment, but don’t coerce them into coming. A simple “You will be missed, you know, and the door is always open to you if you change your mind” is as far as you need to go. And on the day you need to control the table talk kindly but firmly. “We’re not going to talk about that today,” and then change the subject to something more neutral.

Etiquetteer wishes you a truly Happy Thanksgiving with congenial companions.

*The others are, in random order: sex, money, religion, personal appearance, and complaints about the food.

Grooming Your Romantic Partner, Vol. 23, Issue 63

Dear Etiquetteer:

I’ve been seeing a wonderful man for going on two months, and I’m pretty crazy about him. My biggest hesitancy with introducing him to more of my friends and eventually Mother (yikes!) is some grooming choices. Namely, he needs to trim his eyebrows and his nose hairs. He has a beautiful beard, which is why I assume he hasn’t noticed the need for a trim elsewhere on his face. I’ve stayed silent, not wanting to come across as controlling, but it’s bothering me. I keep thinking about the former Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, with his out-of-control eyebrows, which the world wanted to attack with shears but which his wife described as adorable. Is there a proper way to ask him to trim? Should I surprise him with a spa day and have the aesthetician break the news of the need for a trim? Should I stay silent?

Dear Beloved:

Etiquetteer wants to say this as nicely as possible, but you do your friends and your mother a disservice when you think that their most enduring first impression of someone you describe as “a wonderful man” will be the condition of his nose and eyebrows. After all, if you’re still Mad About the Boy two months later, you see more of than those things, too, and did so begin with. So will they. Perhaps if your relationship goes so far that jewelry is exchanged you might mention something. Otherwise, keep mum.

The appearance of some men is defined by their bushy eyebrows — your Archbishop of Canterbury, for instance, Rasputin, and Albert Einstein — but they are in the minority. In general eyebrows should be trimmed whenever one visits the barber. Nose hair should never protrude outside the nostril, and should be trimmed with tweezers or those tiny scissors. Etiquetteer remembers hearing about those who burnt the hairs out of their nose with a match. Proceed at your peril, but don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses, regardless.

Your suggestion to let a professional solve the problem at a spa day is the perfect solution (for those who can afford it) as it allows a neutral third party to suggest a grooming plan for the future. And it turns out that is exactly what happened to Charlotte Vale in Olive Higgins Prouty’s novel Now, Voyager.* Charlotte’s makeover at a New York beauty parlor shocked even her sister-in-law Lisa, who arranged it. “‘I said nothing about eyebrows, Célestine. You know every well I never allow you to pluck mine. How did you ever come to do such a thing?’ ‘Because they were terra-ble, Madame. Not like yours. Verree thick and strong, like a man’s, and they meet in the middle and make her look always scowling. She say do anything I desire. It was no matter to her. Only in the middle did I pluck much. No one will know I pluck at all. I make her look so beautiful, n’est ce pas?’”** And indeed, she had.

Etiquetteer wishes you joyous introductions.

*Famous now only for the film version starring Bette Davis.

*Now, Voyager, by Olive Higgins Prouty (1941), page 18.

Civic Pride, Vol. 23, Issue 62

“Grief is a luxury one cannot afford if one intends to go on.” — the Dowager of Countess of Southwold, Upstairs, Downstairs

When words will not come, silence is often best. But even though the words don’t come easily several days after last week’s election results, Etiquetteer must make some attempt, not least because — oh, heavy irony! — today is National Civic Pride Day, created in 2022 “to inspire everyone to promote the dynamic* communities they live in.”

What does this mean after all the votes were counted? With no exemplars of Perfect Propriety visible in the incoming administration, it means that we ourselves need to model the behavior we most want to see where we live. That means more than being polite and attentive to cashiers and receptionists, navigating parking lots with care, and taking enough pride in one’s appearance to look clean and tidy in public. It means being well informed about local and national issues — which is to say, from more than one or two sources — and participating in local and neighborhood meetings. It means eye contact. It means placing a value on honesty, and ensuring that others share that value, too.

It means not bullying or taunting other people. Is a nation of men shouting “Your body, my choice” an example of civic pride? Etiquetteer thinks not. And this is only one example. Etiquetteer fears for the future.

In her first edition of Etiquette back in 1922, Emily Post Herself attempted to define what Best Society is**, and Etiquetteer is inspired by her words: “. . . Best Society is not a fellowship of the wealthy, nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth; but it is an association of gentle-folk, of which good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of the social amenities, and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others [emphasis added] are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members.” In other words, kindness as well as dignity, good manners — Perfect Propriety.

It’s on us to be the change we want to see in the world. Etiquetteer wishes you strength and courage as you consider how best to be that change where you are.

*Meaning “continuous and productive activity or change.”

**Not at all to be confused with the “Be Best” campaign of the late 2010s.

Wedding Gifts/Teatime, Vol. 23, Issue 61

Dear Etiquetteer:

My question involves the wedding of the son of some acquaintances of mine. We are not especially close but have sung together and I have known the boy almost from his birth. He had a very small wedding and few were invited from the family’s circle of friends. The family did an open house a couple of weeks prior. I attended briefly to congratulate the couple but did not attend the wedding or reception. I did not take anything as I truthfully wasn’t thinking about it (long story there) but noted some brought gifts and cards. Do I owe them a gift or at least a card congratulating them? I got a thank-you note that thanked me for a gift that I didn’t give so I feel a bit guilty.

Thanks for any help you can provide on these.

Dear Guest:

First off, there’s no reason for you to feel guilty, as you haven’t done anything wrong. The real quandary for Etiquetteer is, who gave the gift for which you were thanked in error? How will they feel at not being remembered by the Happy Couple? For that reason alone, you should write to the Happy Couple disclaiming anything to do with the gift in question, but wishing them Hearty Congratulations and Best Wishes for their married life. Assuming you all live in the same community, you could invite them to dinner at your home, either with your acquaintances the groom’s parents, or not.

The question of being owed a wedding gift always leaves Etiquetteer cold. As you were not invited to the wedding, send a gift if you feel moved to do so, but at least a card since you’ve actually met them. What you could do is file away the date of their wedding so that next year you can send a gift for their paper anniversary. Etiquetteer bets no one will else will think of that!

•••

Today marks the return to Standard Time, and with it the usual grousing from people who don’t like it getting pitch dark so early. For those who advocate for making Daylight Savings Time permanent, allow Etiquetteer to remind you that we tried that once before (in 1974) and it didn’t work. There’s no need to revisit a bad idea.

But we can also embrace this first night of early darkness with Light, Beauty, and of course Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer proposes Teatime by Candlelight to greet the return of Standard Time. Instead of grumbling about the dark, get out your tapers or votives, get out your favorite china and silver, bake something you enjoy, and maybe invite a friend or two. Cocoon yourself in mellow candlelight (so flattering — lighting is the best skin care) with a piping hot pot of tea and a good book. What could be more Perfectly Proper?

Etiquetteer wishes you a glowing and tranquil evening.

Perfect Propriety at the Polls, Vol. 23, Issue 60

Yesterday Etiquetteer saw a captioned photo on the internet of a woman in a voting booth wearing only a brassiere and a pair of slacks. (Etiquetteer is not going to amplify this photo here, but you may find it on Bluesky here.) The caption said that this woman appeared at her polling place dressed in gear promoting her candidate, which in many states is actually illegal (more on that later). When told she could not vote so dressed, she violently cursed the poll workers and then removed the gear in question so that she could vote.

Now, this being the internet, Etiquetteer has not been able to verify whether this actually happened as presented. But Etiquetteer did discover that in 2020 a similar incident took place in New Hampshire — only without the bra! (Read Etiquetteer’s comments on that news story here.)

While Someone Prominent described the first woman as “a patriot” for stripping down to vote, Etiquetteer would respectfully suggest that it’s actually more patriotic to know the rules in advance. So, just what is and isn’t Perfectly Proper at the polls? Here are a few general guidelines; it’s your responsibility to research specifics for your state, because laws vary state by state.

First, and most important, do not abuse the poll workers. This means no profanity, no threats, no physical violence. Etiquetteer should not even have to say this. A great deal has already been said about voters being removed from the rolls in some states. If you arrive at the polls to be told that your name does not appear, shocking as that may be, that is still not an invitation to abuse the poll workers. Voters are entitled to provisional ballots; the ACLU provides instructions for what to do if this happens to you.

Do not wear anything advocating for (or against) a candidate, party, or position. This is defined as electioneering, which is when people “campaign to influence or persuade voters to vote for or against a particular candidate or party” according to Findlaw. Polling places are intended to be entirely free of campaign materials, and that includes clothing. This does not mean you can’t show your enthusiasm with your wardrobe. Dress in red, white, and blue, and wear your American flag pin. (Remember, no more than one lapel pin at a time!)

Respect the perimeter. Electioneering, which could be as simple as standing silently with a sign or distributing literature, is not permitted within a certain distance of the entrance of the polling place, in order to keep it a neutral environment. Generally it’s 100 feet.

Laws about photography in polling places vary from state to state, too, particularly around “ballot selfies,” photographs of one’s actual ballot then posted to social media. Some states, including New Hampshire, have passed specific laws against this. (More on this topic may be found at the National Conference on State Legislatures.) To discourage this, many states instead encourage photos of one’s “I Voted” sticker. Regardless, Etiquetteer would encourage you not to disrupt your polling place with your selfies, either by lingering too long in the voting booth or blocking the entrance while you take selfies.

Findlaw has a very helpful page on electioneering laws and election interference with specifics by state. Please review it now.

Whenever you vote, before or on Election Day, Etiquetteer wishes you a calm and smooth exercise of your rights without interference or intimidation.

Wedding Gifts, Vol. 23, Issue 59

Dear Etiquetteer:

I guess I’m showing my age. When you went to a wedding, you brought a wedding present. Much to my chagrin, at a recent wedding, my mother and myself were the only ones to bring a present. The “cool” thing to do is just give them money in their card. 

I find it to be impersonal, and once the money is spent you don’t have anything you can say “That was a present from my aunt.” When my husband and I got married, and had a reception about a month later, we said no gifts. But of course, we got several pairs of engraved champagne glasses. Every newlywed should receive those!

Dear Gifting:

Wedding presents have changed because a Happy Couple’s needs are no longer what they were. Starting roughly 50 years ago, the trend for couples to Live Together First means that they already have all the kitchen appliances and other domesticities often given as wedding gifts. Sadly, the dinner party is no longer the cornerstone of American social life; there goes all that beautiful china, silver, and crystal Etiquetteer loves so much. Finally, Brides Today can be so uppity about getting anything that looks like it might have belonged to their grandmothers. Etiquetteer trusts that this is Just a Phase, and in another ten years the trend will revert back to heirlooms.

Etiquetteer recognizes in you a kindred spirit by the way you use the sentence “That was a present from my aunt.” Heirlooms and “family pieces” lend so much special resonance to a household. They help tell our stories as part of our families, both birth and chosen. But there are ways and ways to deliver a sentence. “That was a present from my aunt” can convey derision as much as affection.

Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother (may she rest in peace), never disposed of a wedding gift whether she used it or not. (Etiquetteer remembers discovering only after her death a large and elaborate American eagle door knocker engraved with the family name. It was never used, but never disposed of.) And in C.S. Lewis’s The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Edmund and Lucy are looking at a painting in the back bedroom of their aunt’s house. “Aunt Alberta didn’t like it at all (that was why it was put away in a little back room upstairs), but she couldn’t get rid of it because it had been a wedding present from someone she did not want to offend.”

If you prefer to give a gift instead of cash, then by all means do so, considering in advance both the tastes of the Happy Couple and the condition of your wallet. But Dear Mother taught Etiquetteer that wedding gifts should never be brought to the wedding, but sent in advance to the home of the bride (or her parents). That way there’s less for someone to tote away from the site of the wedding banquet, which is generally not at someone’s home any more.

Etiquetteer wishes you joy in choosing wedding gifts that are received with joy and acknowledged promptly with handwritten Perfect Propriety.

White After Labor Day, Vol. 23, Issue 58

Dear Etiquetteer:

In your article, you didn’t really address the issue [of wearing white after Labor Day] other than tradition. Would you agree that the rule applies to more northern locales, e.g. New England vs. Southern California? For instance, it’s still 100 degrees where I live. I believe it’s just a reminder to shift your dress as the weather changes. I usually have to wait almost until Halloween to shed my summer clothes! Dreadful.

Dear California Girl:

You’re right, the No White After Labor Day rule really functions best as a seasonal marker to rotate one’s wardrobe. It’s really just Etiquetteer and Miss Manners Herself holding out for the traditional Retiring of the White on Labor Day. Almost every other etiquette expert (or menswear influencer) will tell you it’s a silly rule that no longer applies — but Etiquetteer still considers it a Charming Anachronism. But climate change is beginning to trump the quaintness of that rule; as you note, triple digit temperatures at Halloween are not Sweater Weather! Etiquetteer was quite surprised to discover that seersucker is not bound by the change of seasons but by local temperature. For practical purposes, summer whites should follow that guideline, too. Whether North or South, let local weather direct your use of summer whites. (Etiquetteer will still say that white shoes should be put away on Labor Day.)

You may wish to incorporate more seersucker into your wardrobe instead; it comes in a galaxy of pastels now, not just white or blue. Or adopt the Carol Channing All-White Wardrobe and just wear all white all the time all year long. (It would certainly make an impression, especially on your dry cleaner.)

Etiquetteer wishes you temperate days for comfortable and Perfectly Proper clothes.

Extra-Wedding Dinners, Vol. 23, Issue 57

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have another etiquette question. Who else to write besides Miss Manners?

My husband and I are jetting to [Insert Faraway City Here] to attend our niece’s wedding. We will be there for three days not including travel days.

My former sister-in-law’s family is flying over from [Insert Country Here]. We spent a week with them several years ago. We all get along except when it comes to dining out. Some are vegetarians, some only eat fish. It turns into a [Insert Profanity Here]!

Instead of dealing with that again, we made dinner reservations for two of the nights we’re there. My ex sister-in-law (who we love), said my niece and her family could be available for dinner. I replied that we have dinner reservations but we’re open for breakfast or lunch. Did I do something wrong with not inviting them for dinner? It’s like rounding up cats. You can’t please everyone and I wanted to avoid the situation.

What’s your thought? Am I a selfish [Insert Expletive Here]? I kinda feel like I am. But I also don’t want to get caught up in a restaurant struggle with who can eat this and who can’t. I got the short end of the stick last time, which is why I’m not getting sucked into that situation again.

Would respect your opinion on the matter.

Dear Wedding Guest:

Your query made Etiquetteer reflect on how weddings bring together people who generally never see each other again. In the late 1980s Etiquetteer was invited to a wedding out of state as a plus one of a colleague who was a cousin of either the bride or the groom. The wedding was memorable for someone’s grandfather spitting into Etiquetteer’s coffee cup*. Etiquetteer never saw any of those people again. But that’s no excuse to let down your Perfect Propriety.

Making your own plans outside the official wedding schedule is not a violation of etiquette. You could really describe it as Self Care. If your sister-in-law insisted, you could very politely agree to attend as long as you didn’t have to be involved in the arrangements. “It would be great for us not to be involved in the planning, so if you let us know when and where to be, we’ll show up on time.”

But it would be a very different thing if you were to cut a wedding function to which you’d been invited by the Happy Couple or their parents, such as the rehearsal dinner, reception, morning after breakfast . . . or the wedding itself. (It’s not unheard of, but it is Not Perfectly Proper. You earn access to the open bar by sitting through the service.) That’s a no-no.

Etiquetteer wishes you and your husband guilt-free dinners during Wedding Week, and happy engaging conversations with all the other guests.

*Is this really why plus ones are invited to weddings, to insulate family members from other family members? Frankly, it calls into question the entire practice of inviting plus ones.

Beach Etiquette, Vol. 23, Issue 56

Etiquetteer recently asked readers on Instagram what bothered them about the beach. Not everyone enjoys the beach in the same way*: some come to let go, others to let loose. Can good manners help us through? Here’s what readers brought up:

Children: Of course children are not going to sit quietly building sand castles or picking up pretty pebbles. There will be shrieking and shouting and running about after a ball. Use that knowledge to spread your towel where children are less likely to be. (Generally that means further from the entrance and the facilities.) When children accidentally invade your space (for instance, running over your towel during a game) you have the right to protest. But please be kind, too; Etiquetteer is sure they didn’t mean to. If the behavior continues, though, you need to tell the Responsible Adults.

Noise: Sometimes there’s that one voice that cuts through the surf. (And sometimes that voice is Etiquetteer’s . . . 😬.) This might be audacious, but you could offer an Unsolicited Opinion on their conversation, such as “You know I couldn’t help overhearing what you said, and I must disagree. Let me explain . . .” “Hey, they is a private conversation!” “Indeed? Then you should have it in a private place so no one else can hear it.” Etiquetteer does not guarantee success with this approach, but it will certainly make the point that the beach is not one’s private parlor.

Loud Music/Radios: One reader said “Other people’s music. It’s never Cole Porter or Ravel.” But that needn’t stop you from either blasting original cast recordings yourself or handing out lyric sheets for a surfside Kiss Me, Kate! sing-along. Etiquetteer offered a couple suggestions last year.

Expired Sunscreen: So easy to check before you leave the house, dahling. But always bring a coverup, just in case.

One thing no one mentioned was pets, specifically unattended pets galloping over your towel, or even trying to move in. Leash laws still apply. Pet owners, supervise your pets!

One last thing: don’t stare at other beachgoers, it’s rude.

Etiquetteer wishes you a beautiful and Perfectly Proper day at the beach, whether that’s frolicking in the surf, or in the shadiest corner of the cabana.

*Indeed, some readers do not enjoy the beach at all.

Inappropriate Dance Floor Behavior, Vol. 23, Issue 55

“Certain nuances escape Beaufort.” — Edith Wharton, The Age of Innocence

Dear Etiquetteer:

Last night, I attended a masked ball gala with a live swing band. One of my dance partners started out fun, but quickly became presumptuous. He kissed my hand after our first dance. He asked to see my unmasked face, so I briefly pulled the mask up on my forehead. But then he repeatedly insisted that I should take it off and leave it off. I kept saying “No;” he kept begging and wheedling me. He seemed not to understand the subtext, that I was interested in dancing but not in further intimacy — after several minutes of arguing about my mask, he kissed his own fingers and laid them on my cheek!

Finally I said I did not wish to dance with him again, and also told him “When you won’t take No as an answer from a woman, even about something minor, it makes her feel like you’re not safe to be around.”

I believe what I said is true, and could even be helpful to him in future if he takes the lesson to heart — but I also know it was very blunt and perhaps verging on rudeness. What is the proper way to respond to a dance partner who commits such violations of propriety himself?

Dear “A Swing Dancer, Not a Swinger:”

You behaved with Perfect Propriety as well as a certain amount of forbearance. While the presence of masks traditionally encourages unbridled freedom — think of Carnival in Venice — “No means No” is more generally accepted as a Stern Warning than a Clandestine Invitation now, or should be. Etiquetteer cannot fault your behavior at all. In fact, you updated “Sir, you are no gentleman” for this century. It is so often the impulse of those who are being harrassed to get out of the situation gracefully. But with an aggressor who Just Does Not Get It, complete candor as you expressed it is sometimes necessary. Etiquetteer salutes you.

There is so much to unpack here, from notions of gallantry and flirtation to forgotten ballroom manners. To begin with, and Etiquetteer cannot remember who said it first, introducing strangers to dance does not constitute a social introduction. In other words, just because you’ve shared one dance at a ball doesn’t mean you can slide into each other’s DMs. Second, the whole point of a masked ball is to remain masked until the time of unmasking. That used to be midnight, and if 21st-century maskers just can’t stand one more minute and remove their masks ten minutes after arrival . . . well, Etiquetteer thinks that’s Letting Down the Side but must perforce accept it.

So you were within your rights to remain masked when your Importunate Partner asked to see your face. Antique fiction has given us a picture of ladies fending off the “begging and wheedling” of Importunate Gentlemen with smiles and laughter and sly glances, and perhaps a gentle rapping with her fan. But that dainty picture is based on two things: a lady’s true desire to encourage the gentleman, and a gentleman’s awareness that he really Must Not Go Too Far. In this century, those illusions have disappeared. That mask has been removed.

The hand kiss — outside certain diplomatic or religious rituals and the city of Vienna — has become entirely artificial and insincere, a gesture of mock manners, of “aping our betters.” It’s often risky to turn to the movies for examples of Perfect Propriety*, but if you’re going to do that it’s better to imitate Anton Walbrook in The Red Shoes than Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. For your Importunate Partner to kiss your hand after a first dance is forward.

More seriously, the real mask that’s been removed is that women no longer need to tolerate unwelcome attention because it might reflect badly on them. The days when English novelist Arnold Bennett could say “Make love to every woman you meet. If you get five percent on your outlay it’s a good investment” are over. And so are the days when it could be assumed that all relationships were male-female and that the aggressor would be male.

Not long ago Etiquetteer was watching Jennie, Lady Randolph Churchill, who was given a stinging riposte by screenwriter Julian Mitchell. Being preyed on by a dancing partner at a masked ball, Jennie (played by Lee Remick), pulled away and said “I don’t know what class of woman you normally consort with, Lord Hardwick, but, I’m afraid your experience with them can be of no use to you at all with me.” Powerful words . . . but did they achieve the desired effect?

Etiquetteer wishes you many happy nights of dancing with talented and respectful partners.

*And yet that never seems to stop Etiquetteer . . . 🧐.

No White After Labor Day: The Rule We Love to Break, Vol. 23, Issue 54

“Any fool can make a rule//And any fool will mind it.” — Henry David Thoreau

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” — Ecclesiastes 3:1

Etiquetteer is weary. As someone somewhere once said, “Can’t we put aside this stale old quarrel?”

People love taking sides on issues that will not topple governments. The Oxford comma, for instance, and decorative schemes for White House interiors come to mind — not to mention the pitched battle between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford partisans.* In that vein, people love to defy the traditional rule that white is not worn after Labor Day, and to call attention to their defiance with malicious glee.

Etiquetteer loves tradition, as you know. Monday night saw the annual storing of the white bucks, which passed off without incident. And on Tuesday morning from every corner of social media came the annual posts of Beverly Sutphin assaulting Juror #8 in Serial Mom,** mostly from people who otherwise pay no attention to their shoes. You know it well, even if you haven’t seen the movie.

“Fashion has changed!” cries Juror #8. She’s not wrong; fashion changes by definition and with the desire for novelty. Beverly Sutphin has mistaken Fashion for both Tradition and Style. Etiquetteer can hardly blame her for lashing out.

But you know — Etiquetteer is just done with the violence. Yes, it used to be funny. Maybe it just hits differently this year. Traditionalists and Those Who Simply Don’t Care must form a truce. Other, more pressing issues claim our attention, especially in this election year. Now run along and enjoy your pumpkin spice latte — while it’s in season.

Etiquetteer is weary as far back as 2014.

*Etiquetteer will leave the Oxford comma debate to the grammarians, continue to advocate for the return of a Blue Room that is actually blue, and — as much as he loves both those actresses — will retreat to the corner with Olivia de Haviland while their insane acolytes flame each other.

**How can it be that this movie premiered 30 years ago?!

Altered Appearances, Vol. 23, Issue 53

“Let people tell you if they choose. Only vulgar people probe.” — Joan Tetzel in The Paradine Case

Dear Etiquetteer:

I recently had lunch with a dear friend whom I had not seen in over twenty years. I had trouble recognizing her because of her plastic surgery. I did my best to hide my wild surmise, but it was a bit difficult to remain composed since every time I looked in her direction diplomacy was brought to the brink by botox. Here, a response to “You haven’t changed a bit!” became a verbal tightrope. Otherwise, it was a joyful reunion, but have you any advice for those of us who are ambushed by a friend’s redefined features?

Dear Startled:

Etiquetteer is not quite sure where to begin, with your concern not to embarrass your friend, your masking of your surprise, or your disapproval of plastic surgery (or at least of its results in this particular case.) Vanity isn’t the only reason for plastic surgery; please think kindly about your friend’s motivations.

There are so many ways not to recognize someone you haven’t seen in many years, not just surgery: Time (it marches across all our faces), a new hairstyle, tattoos — shucks, seeing someone out of context! Yes, it can feel embarrassing. Why not lean into that? “Gosh, it’s been such a long time I hardly know what to say!” Let that buy you time to dredge up some happy memories you can share.

“You haven’t changed a bit!” is one of those standard phrases like “How do you do?” that helps oil the machine of Social Conversation. We hear it at both family and class reunions, not to mention weddings. There’s no need to respond in kind. Rather than refer to your friend’s appearance at all, just say “Thank you” or “It’s a joy to see you, too” and change the subject to absent friends, a shared past experience, or the lunch menu. Had your friend brought up the topic directly — “And what do you think of my new face?” — only compliments are appropriate.

In the end, Igor’s advice in Young Frankenstein remains the best: “Say nothing, act casual.”

Etiquetteer wishes you many happy reunions and the presence of mind to enjoy old acquaintances as you find them.

Charitable Solicitations, Vol. 23, Issue 52

Dear Etiquetteer:

I recently received a fund-raising solicitation from a non-profit, looking to raise funds for work that I am contracted to perform for them in the near future. How does one properly respond (or not)? To donate might suggest that I’ve over-charged them for the work. Should I wonder if they will raise the money in time to pay me? Should I just ignore it altogether?

Dear Solicited:

Non-profit solicitation letters for every cause — social, cultural, local, political, medical, worthy, you name it — flourish like weeds in the garden of our national correspondence. That doesn’t mean they aren’t necessary to the lifeblood of these organizations, or that they are poorly or mendaciously created. They are just so . . . so omnipresent. In the words of the late Stephen Sondheim, “Not a day goes by . . .” You are free to ignore this letter until someone solicits you directly, by phone or in person.

Your work has a value, which is reflected in the fees you charge. Don’t let anyone suggest otherwise. What you do with that fee after you receive it is your business, including contributing to your non-profit client.

Your situation is unique, in that the solicitation will directly fund your own labor for your client. Etiquetteer would question your client’s discernment for sending you this letter, but databases are unwieldy creatures and there are only so many criteria one can submit before pulling a mailing list.

Etiquetteer would encourage you not to worry greatly about your client’s ability to pay you. Non-profits are in a constant state of fund-raising, so the letter you received is not unusual. That said, you might do an internet search for any recent news stories about them for an idea of how they’re seen in the wider world.

Etiquetteer wishes you a successful continuing relationship with your client.

Wedding Tickets, Vol. 23, Issue 51

“The wedding was very much like other weddings, where the parties have no taste for finery or parade; and Mrs. Elton, from the particulars detailed by her husband, thought it all extremely shabby, and very inferior to her own.—“Very little white satin, very few lace veils; a most pitiful business! . . . —But, in spite of these deficiencies, the wishes, the hopes, the confidence, the predictions of the small band of true friends who witnessed the ceremony, were fully answered in the perfect happiness of the union.” — Jane Austen, Emma

Etiquetteer has done a pretty good job this month attempting to be Blissfully Unaware of the world at large*, but was brought down with a thump this morning when a dear friend and reader lobbed this New York Times article over the transom: “Some Couples Are Charging Guests to Attend Their Weddings.” Needless to say, Etiquetteer is Appalled with Two Ps.

The Wedding Industrial Complex has brainwashed people into the inviolability of the Elaborate Wedding. People . . . this is not necessary! The marriage of two people has become snowed under with novelty transportation and other excesses. The article states that “. . . the approach of selling tickets to a wedding has mostly upset guests, many of whom have expressed the opinion that it is in poor taste for the couple to put their financial burden onto their guests and that there are more cost-effective ways for couples to have a wedding.” There sure are!

And at the top of that list is the home wedding, when both ceremony** and reception take place in someone’s house. Everyone who must be there is squashed in somehow, a stand-up buffet with cake is served, and the guest list is reduced by not asking anyone who would need to fly in to be present. When President Woodrow Wilson married Edith Bolling Galt in 1915, everything took place at her Washington home, with 50 guests stuffed into drawing and dining room and all the furniture removed.*** When researching Elements of the Victorian Wedding this winter, Etiquetteer discovered the correspondence of a bride and groom**** who planned their entire wedding in barely a month (!) in December (!) for New Year’s Eve (!). They couldn’t decide whose house to hold it in until the week before, and their roughly two dozen wedding invitations were all handwritten letters sent just after Christmas (!). The bride firmly vetoed the groom’s extravagant suggestion to serve one glass of champagne each, and only one, to the guests because it was too costly. It was an afternoon wedding, after which the Happy Couple left immediately for New York by train. (We must remember that New Year’s Eve wasn’t as important as New Year’s Day at this time.)

And guess what? They had a long and happy married life together! And all without a banquet with three different entrées, a DJ, a chorus of attendants, and, as mentioned in that Times article, “a double-decker bus that took guests to New York landmarks that were significant in their love story.” When an Occasion becomes a Burden, it takes away from both the importance and the beauty of the Occasion. Etiquetteer encourages you to let simplicity be your guide.

*As Miss Scarlet so memorably said in Clue, “It’s my defense mechanism!”

**Before you observe that not all religious traditions permit home weddings, please see Etiquetteer’s first footnote on that very subject here.

***Etiquetteer’s account of the wedding is here.

****Robert S. Valentine and Sophia French, correspondence in the collection of the Massachusetts Historical Society.

Tired/Wired Phrases, Vol. 23, Issue 50

It’s no sin to rely on tried-and-true phrases to oil the machinery of social conversation. For instance, “How do you do?” remains a Perfectly Proper greeting that has stood the test of time. (The only two possible answers are “How do you do?” and “Very well, thank you. And you?”) But when these phrases become openly mocked and the subject of memes, well . . . “Houston, we have a problem.” Let’s reset some of our communication go-to phrases that have become punchlines.

Tired: “Thoughts and prayers.” What is supposed to be an abbreviated expression of sympathy has become widely derided as Absolutely Insincere.

Wired: Choose either thoughts or prayers for “My [thoughts/prayers] are with you.” Or bypass altogether with “Holding you in my heart.”

Tired: “I hope this email finds you well.” See the meme above for how the email finds you.

Wired: No substitution needed. Just proceed with the business at hand.

Tired: “Per my last email . . . ” Seen as actively hostile and impatient.

Wired: “When I wrote you on [date], I mentioned . . . ”

Tired: “Pleased to meet you!” Unlike “How do you do,” this has not stood the test of time.

Wired: “I’m so happy to know you.” Think of Lee Patrick greeting Bette Davis in Now, Voyager this way. Calm, cool, sincere, exactly on point.

Tired: “Have a great rest of your day!” Etiquetteer has always found this construction clunky.

Wired: Be specific. “Have a good afternoon/evening!” sounds much nicer.

Tired: “Oh this old thing? I only wear it when I don’t care how I look!” Immortalized by Gloria Grahame in It’s a Wonderful Life, and an admitted favorite of That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, it is actually not polite to respond to a compliment by disparaging it.

Wired: “Thank you!” Brief, concise, specific — what could be more Perfectly Proper?

Tired: “I’m gonna go [Insert Specific Bodily Function Here].” No one wants or needs to know what you’re going to do when you get the restroom! Honestly people!

Wired: “Oh, I’m just going to go powder my nose!” Immortalized by Aline MacMahon in Gold Diggers of 1933, this line is best delivered by heterosexual male businessmen secure in their masculinity. More simply, “I’m going to wash my hands” removes any coy simpering from one’s departure.

You will likely have your own suggestions, and Etiquetteer looks forward to hearing them!

An Etiquette Education, Vol. 23, Issue 49

Today Etiquetteer brings you backstage to let That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much share some news and reflections.

I have been secretly getting an education this year, and the results are now in.

My etiquette education has been autodidactic at best. I was “taught courtesy at my mother’s knee” and in the School of Hard Knocks before accidentally discovering Dear Mother’s Emily Post. This of course led to that more unorthodox guide to Perfect Propriety, Auntie Mame by Patrick Dennis. Etiquetteer’s principal references come from before my lifetime — Mrs. Post, Lillian Eichler, Millicent Fenwick*, madcap Dorothy Draper, Esquire Etiquette of 1953 — with the notable exceptions of Amy Vanderbilt, Letitia Baldrige, and my beloved Judith Martin. My driving force is perhaps closer to the Mother Superior’s in Charles Busch’s The Divine Sister: “My dear, we are living in a time of great social change. We must do everything in our power to stop it.”

But “Change is the only constant,”** n’est ce pas? How would my 20th-century knowledge, acquired solely through books and life experience, stack up against a curriculum created in, by and for the 21st? In January I began The English Manner and Beaumont Etiquette’s Train the Trainer program, run by experts of this century: Myka Meier of Beaumont Etiquette in New York, and William Hanson and Jo Bryant of The English Manner in London. They delivered a comprehensive and rigorous program with wisdom and the right amount of humor — which is just what I like. The result: I am pleased to say that I have graduated Grade One with merit.

What did I learn that was different from what I knew? Unsurprisingly, a lot of it concerns table settings and afternoon tea, as for instance:

• Napkins are placed to the left of the forks, not underneath them. As someone who grew up in a household that used paper napkins, it’s common to place the fork on a paper napkin to keep it from blowing off the table, but it is not correct. Unlike other etiquette writers, Etiquetteer is not going to judge you for using paper napkins for everyday dining (read about that here), but paper napkins remain incorrect for formal dining.

• Oyster forks are no longer placed in the bowl of the soup spoon, regardless of all those diagrams in Millicent Fenwick’s Vogue’s Book of Etiquette (1948). As one who loves a Charming Anachronism, this makes me sad. On the other hand, Mrs. Fenwick also included ashtrays in her table settings, which we definitely don’t do now. Change is the only constant.

• Fish knives, which a dear friend once described as “the most elegant of blades,” are in fact an invention of the middle class, and not really considered Perfectly Proper (unless you already own them). Perhaps it’s just as well, since they were never standard in domestic American silver services.

• Perhaps the most distressing thing was that I had been setting the dessert silver wrong all this time. When setting a dessert fork and spoon above the plate, the fork goes below the spoon, not above, with the tines facing right. But what also surprised me is that this style is referred to as “nursery” in England, where more formal place settings would have the dessert silver set with all the other silver on either side of the plate — which is just the way Dear Mother did it at home . . . and she was not English.

• The reason lemon forks exist (all right, first — surprise, there is such a thing as a lemon fork) is to remove the pips from lemon slices because they affect the way your tea tastes. To which I can only exclaim “Science!” and continue to take my tea black.

• As someone who loves orange marmalade, it broke my heart a little to learn that it is Not Perfectly Proper for afternoon tea, as it’s considered less dainty that strawberry or raspberry jam. (And no, I am not going to listen to all you “Eat what you want when you want it!” people again. Etiquetteer covered all that with risotto in this column on Company Food.)

• Having been raised on American table manners — switching the fork from the left to the right hand for each bite — during this course I was surprised to find myself using British table manners more at home and keeping my fork in my left hand. Peas remain an issue (I do not serve them with mashed potatoes, which makes them easier), but that’s why Practice Makes Perfect.

What impressed me most, however, is that while so much of good manners remains constant, how we communicate it changes to reflect the times we live in. And also, as the oldest member of the class by far, that interest in etiquette remains deep for people of all ages and nationalities. Everyone else brought questions and experiences that I certainly had not had myself.

I’m enormously grateful to have reaffirmed and expanded my knowledge base, and to have heard fresher and newer voices of this century pursuing Perfect Propriety as much as I am. Now . . . what’s next?

*Not to be confused with Millicent Natwick, even though they were never seen together.

**Who was it who said this? Heraclitus?

Creative Black Tie, Vol. 23, Issue 48

“Why begrudge me a little fun? I just want you to look nice.” — Norma Desmond

A gentleman’s evening clothes have a strict color palette of black and white only — which is just too strict for some gentlemen who feel this doesn’t allow them to express their individuality. (Etiquetteer wonders if they have ever looked in the mirror; there’s nothing more individual than your face, after all, unless you happen to be Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap.) Somewhere along the line the dress code Creative Black Tie sprang up so gentlemen could have a little fun Unleashing their Inner Peacock. But there are ways and ways. Let Etiquetteer guide you to make a Perfectly Proper impression for the right reasons.

“Creative” or not, a black-tie event is still formal. Your creativity must be expressed at that level and not lower. So strict attention to grooming is just as important. Whatever you’re wearing should be spotlessly clean, flawlessly pressed or polished, without rips, holes, tears, or visible mending. “Creative” is not a synonym for “sloppy.” Etiquetteer also believes that no element of the ensemble should be omitted in favor of creativity. Shirt, jacket, trousers, socks and shoes, links and studs (and other jewelry), and especially the bow tie should all be present. This is the canvas on which the artist creates. One of Etiquetteer’s dear friends, a style criterion, protests loudly against men whose “creative” efforts begin and end with wearing a tuxedo without a shirt, bare-chested. If your goal is to be mistaken for a bartender at Chippendale’s, that’s really for a costume party (see below).

Color is the easiest, simplest and best way to spice up black tie, especially appropriate for themed events like charity balls. For instance, for a gala with an ancient Egyptian theme, adding gold and lapis lazuli or a Cleopatra-style snake fits perfectly. Etiquetteer attended an event with a “Firebird” theme and accessorized with flame-red socks and pocket square. (Later, in a fit of exuberance, the pocket square disappeared behind a flock of red “Firebird” feathers that had been folded into all the dinner napkins.) Green, or anything with a leaf pattern, is an obvious choice for an event to do with the environment. You get the idea. Of course this is popular for wedding parties, as the groomsmen will often wear waistcoats or ties to coordinate with the bridesmaids and the flowers. Just don’t upstage the bride, one of the greatest sins against Perfect Propriety.

But remember, it’s not a costume party unless the invitation reads “Black tie — costume.” So if the theme is tropical, save that grass skirt for another party. Instead of a Hawaiian shirt, why not choose a bow tie or waistcoat or cummerbund in a tropical pattern, or clip fake hibiscus flowers to your shoes? Black patent leather opera pumps are a wonderful palette for creative expression, as you can clip almost anything into those grosgrain bows. Just be sure they’re securely fastened so you don’t lose something on the dance floor.

Calling on Ignatius J. Reilly for advice in these matters seems counterintuitive, but Etiquetteer thinks he actually defined Creative Black Tie well in John Kennedy Toole’s brilliant comic novel A Confederacy of Dunces: “A scarf here. A cutlass there. A few deft and tasteful suggestions. That’s all. The total effect is rather fetching.” Perfectly Proper Creative Black Tie is nothing more than “a few deft and tasteful suggestions.” But just a few. Don’t let your creativity overwhelm who you are at the center.

Etiquetteer wishes you a beautiful and creative evening, in which your total effect is rather fetching . . . whatever it is you want fetched.

Two Matters of Advance Planning, Vol. 23, Issue 47

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am invited to attend a wedding reception (not the wedding itself) for someone I know. The bride and groom are older (70+), it’s his at least third or fourth wedding, I was invited to the reception, not the wedding itself, but it’s a black tie affair at [Insert Name of Very Fancy Hotel Here]. Is it appropriate to bring a gift? If so, what sort of gift?

Dear Reception Guest:

Unless “No gifts please” was specifically included on the invitation, a gift is Perfectly Proper. Is it required? Some will say one thing, some will say another, and Etiquetteer will encourage you to think generously about the happiness of the occasion. In this century, and especially for people marrying in the Golden Years, a wedding gift could be anything based on what you know about their interests — perhaps an interest you share with them.

If you do choose to give the Happy Couple a gift, don’t bring it to the reception; it will be one more thing either the Happy Couple or the wedding party will have to think about packing at the end of the night. (This is why function planners have that one empty six-foot table draped in tulle near the entrance, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be utilized.) Send your gift in advance of the wedding for greater convenience.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I must host a four-person business dinner in the suburbs soon for new members of a volunteer board. Based on a new board member’s recommendation, I reserved a table at [Insert Name of Gourmet Restaurant Here]. I sent the update with the reservation to all the guests. After getting my update, the board member wrote me separately to say that the place might be bustling and noisy even on a weeknight, providing some additional information about the dining room. Since I’ve already let everyone know about the first place, what’s the best thing to do? Stay with the original recommendation, or change course?

Dear Reserving:

The most important goal of your evening is a clear and productive conversation. And since the volunteer who recommended this restaurant is rather reneging on the recommendation, it makes sense to think about changing. When you decide to change, all you need to say is that concern was expressed about acoustics and, good as the first restaurant is, the other restaurant should also provide a conversational atmosphere as well as reliably good cuisine.

It then becomes doubly important that you assure good acoustics at the new restaurant by sharing your concerns with the maitre d’. Make sure your table is in the quietest and least trafficked part of the dining room, neither by the kitchen door nor under a speaker or an air vent.

Your dilemma reminds Etiquetteer of the old saying “Trust in God, but lock your car.” It’s always difficult to act on someone’s enthusiastic suggestion only to have things turn out less well than expected. Rather than take someone else’s word, your own research into what’s recommended will reassure you that you’ll get the results you want. If you can’t actually go to the restaurant for a reconnaissance dinner of your own, at least check online reviews to see what other diners have reported. Etiquetteer feels sure that future recommendations from this particular board member will be taken more hesitantly.

Pointers for Picnics, Vol. 23, Issue 46

There’s a wonderful George Sprod cartoon from Punch of a Victorian couple on the grass with an elaborate picnic spread between them: layer cakes, molded jellies, fish in aspic, tiers of fruit, whole pineapples, even a turkey. The lady is looking up from the hamper to say “I forgot the salt.” Since July is National Picnic Month, what could be more Perfectly Proper than to offer some pointers for picnics? We don’t need to be nearly so elaborate!

• Know where you’re going and how to get there. Do not wait until you get in the car to search for directions.

• The weather forecast is your friend. Be flexible if necessary. With stories of excessive temperatures and the sad death of hikers*, if the day of your picnic includes extreme heat, don’t be afraid to reschedule.

• Be responsible for your own dietary requirements. In this century, '“I forgot the salt” could easily be “Oh, but I’m vegan.” Once you hike in and set up, substitutions are likely all but impossible. When invited, let your host know, and be prepared to bring something that suits your needs (and can be shared). If you’re the host, honor what your guests tell you.

• Prepare a moveable feast that’s durable, too. It can’t be said enough: food poisoning is Not Perfectly Proper. Choose foods that will wear well if the ice chest fails.

• A meal deserves utensils. Just because it’s a picnic with (perhaps) only sandwiches is no reason to skip plates, glasses, cutlery and especially napkins. Etiquetteer loves those picnic hampers that come with all those things; invest today. Don’t put your guests in the unhappy position of having to lick their fingers or use the ground cloth!

• Pack wisely. The fantasy of a “Riparian Entertainment” picnic has its appeal, but that’s a joke that will pall quickly as you all stagger about with Too Much Stuff. Bring only what you need — but check that list twice!

• But pack fabulously. That doesn’t mean your picnic has to be dull. Choose some colorful cloths to go on the ground or picnic table. (Or choose all white, and ask everyone to wear all white, in homage to Ingmar Bergman.) And also a small and amusing book so that someone can read aloud after lunch. What could be more Perfectly Proper and Picturesque?

• Leave only footprints. There should be no evidence of your picnic when you leave, except possibly a small mound of melting ice if you emptied the cooler. Littering is so midcentury; don’t do it.

Etiquetteer wishes you a shady spot free of ants and the most delicious melon salad at your summer picnic.

*Hikers are not picnickers, Etiquetteer knows, but still — be cautious.