Signals with Silverware, Vol. 24, Issue 15

Dear Etiquetteer:

I know how I was taught, but what is your take on this? I see some people crossing their utensils when finished their meals. While this is a good signal to the waitstaff that one is finished, it makes it difficult to secure the flatware while carrying the plate. What does Etiquetteer say about the placement of fork and knife when finished with a meal?

Dear Diner:

First, how refreshing to find someone who is concerned about the experience of the servers doing their jobs. Thank you kindly!

You are correct that crossed silver makes removing a plate more difficult, but it’s not a good signal that someone has finished eating because . . .

The most Perfectly Proper way to indicate that you have finished your meal is not to cross your silver, but to position it in the 10-4 o’clock position, as seen at left. Just as Perfectly Proper is is the 6-12 o’clock position. In both these positions, the fork tines face up and the knife blade faces in. With the handles together, it’s much easier for the staff to hold them in place while clearing.

10-4, good buddy. This position is used more on the left side of the Atlantic.

6-12. When visiting the upper right side of the Atlantic, use this position.

Cognoscenti could consider this the Norwegian Blue position.

Crossed silver, as here, should signal to the staff that you’re taking a break, resting briefly from the labors of eating. Notice that the fork tines face down, arcing over the knife blade which faces in.

If conversation is the most important part of a meal*, then everything done at the table should foster good uninterrupted conversation. Diners communicate with their silver to avoid having to pause the conversation to say “Yes, thank you, I’m finished.” But now we can sit at a table of ten and see eight different ways to Say It With Silver — so many that it leaves the staff no choice but to ask each and every person “May I clear this?” or “Are you finished?” Which defeats the purpose.

Let’s do what we can to show thoughtfulness to the staff by using the 10-4 or 12-6, setting a quiet example for other diners. And now, shall we go into the drawing room for coffee?

*Obviously the food is, too, but Etiquetteer has quoted the late Mary Haines on this subject before: “They are equally important, darling.”

Table Manners, Vol. 24, Issue 14

Dear Etiquetteer:

One thing that drives me crazy about being served at a long table is that some people start eating as soon as they are served. I know we aren’t at Downton Abbey where everyone has their own staff person, to facilitate service at the same time for all. But, if someone starts as soon as they are served, many times I find, they are quite done with their meal as others are just being served. Plus, it’s just not polite to eat in front of others who don’t have their dinners!  

Dear Dining:

Etiquetteer thinks of these overeager diners as the Bolters.

Everyone thinks the Victorians were so excessively Perfectly Proper, and they often were, with one notable exception: Queen Victoria Herself. The Hanoverians were known for their, um, appetites. Her Majesty’s uncle George was notorious for his indulgence in beautiful women, architecture, and uniforms. Victoria indulged at the table. She liked many courses, but not for dinner to last longer than half an hour. In other words, gobble gobble gobble, and too bad for anyone who couldn’t keep up. By the end of her reign she was the Royal Orb.

Because not only was she served first, she definitely didn’t wait for anyone else to be served before tucking in. And when she was finished, everyone was finished. Laurence Housman included in his Palace Scenes a dinner at Windsor when a canon’s wife called out the Queen on the unfairness of it all, shouting down the table “Your Majesty! They are taking away my mutton and I haven’t had a mouthful!”* This was not Perfectly Proper, but then fighting for justice requires speaking out.

The rule, which we all need to remember, is that no one begins eating until the hostess picks up her fork. When there is no hostess — for instance, at a table of strangers or a Dutch treat office lunch — it’s polite to wait for everyone to be served. If someone’s meal is delayed, it’s polite for them to encourage everyone to begin eating.

The other rule, which many of us forget**, is that everyone should finish at roughly the same time. You shouldn’t bolt down your food in greedy delight, but you also shouldn’t dawdle over it because you’re too busy talking.

When you find yourself dining with Bolters, just let them be. Correcting someone’s manners at the table is even less Perfectly Proper than Bolting. But Etiquetteer wishes you many lovely dinners at lovely long tables with prompt service and stimulating conversation.

*As God is my witness, I have a copy of this book somewhere. I just cannot set my hands on it.

**Especially That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much.

Random Issues, Vol. 12, Issue 13

Dear Etiquetteer:

In the last several weeks, I have eaten twice at restaurants where they put out bread with a saucer of olive oil. I’m not sure if I should just break off pieces of bread and dip them into the common saucer, or should pour some of the olive oil from that saucer into my own. Which do you recommend?

Dear Dining:

Your first instinct is correct: break off a small piece of bread, dip in the common saucer, and enjoy. When only one saucer of oil is provided, it’s for everyone at the table. Pouring oil from one saucer to another risks spilling a lot of oil; #resist. What Etiquetteer wishes more restaurants would do is to serve a small cruet of oil for the table, from which everyone could pour what they want. What could be more Perfectly Proper?

This is, of course, the exact opposite of how we handle butter*; we already know that each diner helps themselves from the common butter dish and puts their butter on their own bread plate.

Sometimes it’s tempting to park one’s entire bread or roll into the saucer and let it soak up all the oil at once. Etiquetteer must advise you that this is Not Perfectly Proper, no matter how satisfying that first bite might feel. Restrain yourself.

Dear Etiquetteer:

How would you respond to this one? I’m friends with Party A. He meets Party B and they are in a relationship for years. I become friends with Party B. A and B go through a bad breakup.

Party A would like me to stop being friends with Party B out of loyalty to him. I’d prefer to remain friends with both. What is the right way to handle this?

Dear Friend:

Friendships evolve just as relationships do, and it’s not unusual for someone to become just as friendly with a Significant Other as one is with the Original Friend. It’s also not unusual, when a relationship ends, for the Dividing Parties to want to revert to their original friend groupings. This gets tougher the angrier they might be.

All you can control in this situation is your own feelings and actions. If you wish to remain on good terms with both parties, do so — but Etiquetteer would not recommend inviting them to the same functions. If Party A calls you out on this, explain gently that you prefer to remain on good terms with all parties. And if Party A finds that unacceptable and withdraws, well — that might hurt. But Etiquetteer encourages you to keep your friendship available to him. In the year after a breakup new patterns of communication and socializing form, and it may be that you interact more (or less) with one (or both) of the Dividing Parties, and that the issue of your perceived disloyalty fades away.

Etiquetteer wishes you, and the Dividing Parties, a smooth transition.

*In the words of the late Julia Child, “Butter!”

Breakups, Vol. 24, Issue 12

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have recently ended a relationship with a woman I was dating for over two years. During the time we were dating, many people kindly treated us as a couple, extending joint invitations, seating us together at events, etc. Although our romantic relationship is over, she and I continue to move in some of the same social circles, attend the same events, serve on the same community boards, and participate in membership organizations together. Is there a way that I can politely convey to people that she and I are no longer a couple? Or must I just wait until time makes it clear that we are no longer together? While this is obviously a difficult time for the two of us, I do not want it to be unnecessarily awkward for others.

Dear Newly Single:

First, how thoughtful of you to consider the impact your breakup might have on others. Etiquetteer admires your consideration of keeping social interactions free from embarrassment; so many people don’t bother.

Rather than announcing your new status on social media*, you would be more thoughtfully served by telling friends when they ask about your ex or ask you to pass on some news to her. “You know Pat and I aren’t a couple any more, so if you want her to know about your party, you’d better reach out to her directly.” Invariably people will ask what happened, which is none of their business. Cut them off with “We decided that it was better to be friends instead.” The grapevine will take care of the rest.

Etiquetteer wishes you a smooth and sympathetic transition.

*Facebook still has the option to declare one’s relationship status, and followers see it automatically. But it isn’t required to use that feature.

Five Table Manners to Remember, Vol. 24, Issue 11

Sometimes a dinner table can feel like a minefield. So many rules and regulations! In general we muddle through by remembering that napkins go in our laps and the BMW Rule*, but Etiquetteer wants to remind you about five other things it’s Helpful to Remember when you tuck in:

• Elbows in. The dinner table is no place for the Chicken Dance**, especially if everyone is seated tightly. Keep your elbows close to your torso so you don’t invade anyone’s personal space.

• Pass to the right. In the United States it is Perfectly Proper to pass the bread basket, the butter, and anything else that needs to be passed in the same direction, which is to your right. We have all been at dinner tables that became free-for-alls with different things passed right, left, across, any which way. Chaos! Keep everything going smoothly in one direction — just don’t let everything build up on your left.

• A place for everything. Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) always said “A place for everything, and everything in its place.” Consider that when you look at the geography of your dinner plate. Things you don’t eat, like bones and shrimp tails, belong in the upper left of your plate, the eleven o’clock position. If you’re adding sauce, like ketchup, it goes in the bottom right.

• Timing is everything. Gluttons (like Queen Victoria and That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much) bolt through dinner at top speed and leave everyone else hanging. Others (like Eleanor Roosevelt) get so involved in table talk that it seems they will never finish their food. Find the middle ground and enjoy your meal at a pace that will see everyone at the table taking their last bite within a minute or two of each other.

• A Parting Gesture. When leaving the table at the end of the meal, there is only one proper place for your napkin: to the left of your plate. On no account should it go on top of your plate, especially if it’s a cloth napkin. Lillian Eichler said it best in Today’s Etiquette (1941): When rising from the meal, one drops the napkin carelessly on the table without folding it or smoothing it out.”

Etiquetteer wishes you carefree dining with congenial and courteous companions.

*The BMW Rule is how to read your place setting from left to right: Bread at the left, your Meal in in the middle, and Water (and Wine) at the right.

**Actually, no place is the place for the Chicken Dance. Or the Hokey Pokey.

Afternoon Tea in a Democracy, Vol. 24, Issue 10

Perhaps one reason Democracy is so messy is that so many people don’t want to believe that types of people they hate really are their equals. Sorry, folks! That’s one of the basic tenets of Democracy: we are all created equal*. Nowhere is this more important than official Washington, where the people’s choice of elected officials gather as equals to transact the nation’s business. For Black History Month, it’s worth revisiting an incident you weren’t taught in school, of how First Lady Lou Hoover handled entertaining Jessie De Priest, the wife of the first Black Congressman of the 20th century.

It had been the custom for the First Lady to give a series of teas for the wives of Congressmen**, and four were planned for May-June, 1929, the first year of the Hoover administration. The wives were invited in alphabetical order to four teas of 150 people, but the guest list with the Ds omitted Mrs. De Priest. “The name of Mrs. De Priest was put aside for future consideration,” reported Chief Usher Ike Hoover***. “The decision was postponed for there was no precedent to go by.” Heaven forbid we just treat people as equals . . .

Even so, Mrs. Hoover was determined to receive Mrs. De Priest, and a fifth tea was scheduled. “A small company [of 14, as opposed to 150] was chosen, with an idea that they would help out in an embarrassing situation . . . The police officers on the outside and the doormen on the inside had been cautioned to be careful . . . lest they create a scene by refusing her admittance.

“The guests assembled in the East Room. Mrs. Hoover was to receive in the Green Room and pass the guests on to the Red Room for tea. Mrs. De Priest was introduced to the others present . . . Being the lowest rank of the official ladies [because her husband had been most recently elected], she had to await her turn while the others were being shown in. After a few minutes of conversation with Mrs. Hoover, Mrs. De Priest moved on to the Red Room, where she was served a cup of tea in the regular form. It can be stated that Mrs. De Priest conducted herself with perfect propriety. She really seemed to be the most composed one in the group. She certainly acted her part . . . leaving behind a feeling of admiration at the way she conducted herself.”****

There followed a furore in the national press, and condemnation of the First Lady from certain Southern legislatures. A distinction was made by some between official and purely social entertaining. As this tea was an official function, and Mrs. De Priest was invited solely because she was the wife of a Congressman, that should have put an end to the matter. (Alas, Etiquetteer cannot find a record of whether or not Congressman and Mrs. De Priest were ever invited to the White House again.)

Who comes out of this best? Mrs. De Priest, obviously, whose behavior was beyond reproach. Etiquetteer has a certain amount of sympathy for Mrs. Hoover, who genuinely wanted to receive Mrs. De Priest without the risk of other, racist guests creating a Diplomatic Incident at the tea.

Etiquetteer invites you to read more about the De Priest tea in this excellent article by Annette Dunlap, and to reflect on how consideration of others really does make a Better Society.

*In the words of the late Lina Lamont, “It says so, right there!” in the preamble of the Declaration of Independence.

**At that time there were not yet husbands of Congresswomen.

***42 Years in the White House, by Irwin Hood Hoover, pages 301. While the Hoovers lived in the White House, the First Lady insisted that Mr. Hoover be addressed as “Mr. Usher” so that no one would confuse him for President Hoover.

****42 Years in the White House, pages 302-303.

How to Rally One's Best Society, Vol. 24, Issue 9

“We mustn’t despair. Above all things we mustn’t despair.” — Charles Coburn as Sir Simon in The Paradine Case (1947)

To say that Perfect Propriety has taken a beating in the last few weeks would be an understatement. No need to go into why. As we can no longer look above us for good examples of good behavior, it becomes necessary to look around us, and within us. We must take action to reinforce what we believe Perfect Propriety is.

Etiquetteer had to turn back to Emily Post Herself for a little light in the darkness, to her description of Best Society*. New York and Paris “love to be amused, thrilled, and surprised all at the same time” and will welcome anyone who can provide that sensation. (Perhaps this explains the ascent of the kakistocracy . . . ) “Puritan America,” however, ranks “birth, manners and cultivation” above novelty — “but this is because Puritan America, as well as the general public, mistakes the jester for the queen.”

Well, if Best Society isn’t “shock and awe” or the mere accident of birth, what is it, and are we a part of it? Do you think of yourself as part of “an unlimited brotherhood which spreads over the entire surface of the globe, the members of which are invariably people of cultivation and worldly knowledge, who have not only perfect manners but a perfect manner?” Do you aspire to that? Are you reading Etiquetteer? If you answered yes at least once, you’re off to a good start.

How can we band Best Society together in this National Moment? If you think it’s frivolous for Etiquetteer to suggest having a party, you’re not thinking deeply enough about the value of gathering one’s community together. There is comfort and reassurance in assembling around a dinner table or coffee table or kitchen table, or holding up the bar, with people who share your values. Whether you’re better at dinner for six or drinks for 20 or coffee for just one guest at a time, send that invitation. Reach out and reinforce your community.

This is also the time, when hearing an offensive opinion, to raise an eyebrow and ask “Could you repeat that?”, “You don’t really believe that, do you?”, “How did you form that opinion?”, and “Actually, that’s not funny.” Standing up for Perfect Propriety means calling out bad behavior with Perfect Propriety. (Other tips at Mind Journal here.)

Etiquetteer wishes you courage and joy as you begin to consult your calendar and your address book. Don’t delay — now is the time!

*Etiquetteer also turned to this passage just after Election Day, in this piece on Civic Pride.

Social Media, Vol. 24, Issue 8

Dear Etiquetteer:

Here’s my predicament: So many businesses invest heavily in selling sex appeal, and I have fallen into online popularity by sex appeal through utter chance and circumstance.

Over the last few months, gay men seem to have found me, especially on Instagram, and the growth and engagement with my business account, which is my only account on that platform, have consequently evolved into the algorithm such that this seems to be the only demographic now consistently served my content.

I appreciate the growth, in terms of bare numbers, but this audience has so far not converted into any paying customers. Yet they flood my inbox with up to hundreds of often quite rude messages per day, replying to which consumes a lot of time, sorting and culling for messages of actual salience to my work. This says nothing of the sometimes overtly graphic public comments that have begun to appear on some of my posts, too.

I’m working with my team to develop a strategic social media marketing plan for this year, and I am quietly asking individuals in DMs to kindly cool down overly hot comments.

However, do you suggest any sort of public address or messaging to diplomatically and effectively redirect lusty over-enthusiasm to more productive engagement, that will be more comfortable for everyone in my audience? Thanks, sir, for your thoughts and wisdom on this!

Dear Besieged:

Attention is oxygen online. Withhold your attention from these Senders of Unwelcome Messages —starve them — and they’ll fall away. For those of us taught to reply to every bit of correspondence, this is quite an adjustment. But repeatedly leaving someone “on read” (meaning that they can see you have seen their message, and that you haven’t responded) sends a message without sending a message.

Depending on your tolerance, for first offenders you may wish to respond “Thanks, but is my business account, and my business is not to be beautiful, but to [Insert Business Here]. I’d much rather engage with you only about that.” Inappropriate comments on a public post should be deleted; you may or may not wish to warn repeat offenders.

And for those who can’t take the hint, Etiquetteer has no qualms at all about blocking. As Humphrey Bogart so memorably said in The Maltese Falcon, “If you want to hang around, you’ll be polite.”

Etiquetteer feels ambivalent about a public announcement to stave off this behavior, because it introduces this problem to the rest of your audience, who probably have no idea what’s going on — and shouldn’t need to. In the meantime, perhaps it will be possible to game the algorithm by commenting on the posts of others in your field, or followers in other demographics. (But Etiquetteer is admittedly nowhere near an expert on the algorithm.)

Etiquetteer wishes you and your marketing team successful engagement with your true demographic: ladies and gentlemen.

Receiving Lines, Vol. 24, Issue 7

Dear Etiquetteer:

Your advice is requested to help better manage a small crowd of devoted music fans after a symphony concert. I recently attended a post-concert reception where a small group in a crowded room had an opportunity to meet the conductor who had just performed. Fortunately, everyone, for the most part, was well behaved in congratulating the maestro on a wonderful performance. Some fans lingered a bit long, standing close and blocking other’s access and any chance for the maestro’s escape. The maestro herself was more than gracious, staying 20 or 30 minutes to speak with her fans, pose for selfies, etc. I only wished, after the fact, that we had taken steps to make the event flow more smoothly, to ensure better use of the artist’s time and energy, and to assure all gathered that it was appropriate to speak to the maestro albeit in a limited manner.

I was reminded of how helpful a receiving line can be at formal events like a state funeral. (Is it true that Jacqueline Kennedy met Aristotle Onassis in the receiving line at JFK’s memorial?*) Is it appropriate to use a receiving line in a smaller less formal event, and how does Etiquetteer advise employing such a technique with Perfect Propriety? As an event organizer, I aim to be helpful, not officious. My goal is to ensure an ease of exchange between the maestro and her many enthusiastic fans.

Dear Fan Planner:

Etiquetteer loves a receiving line as much as music groupies love a conductor. But there are two problems with using one here. First, they are often (unjustly) thought of as stuffy and rigid, and this post-concert event sounds appropriately loosely structured (which is fine). Second, a receiving line is for greeting only, not extended conversation. But celebrities of any stripe tend to have circles of admirers form around them regardless, wherever they are. No matter what arrangements you put in place, Etiquetteer fears your guests will just swarm the maestro when she arrives.

What this event** needs is a host or a handler (or two) to escort the maestro through the crowd, allowing her to speak with guests but who will add “There are some people over here who would also like to speak with you” with a firm hand on her elbow. Your maestro will also need to become adept at concluding conversations with such methods as the Firm Handshake, the Kind but Final Smile, and phrases such as “It was such a pleasure to meet/see you,” “I hope you enjoy the evening,” “Thank you, goodbye,” and “Won’t you excuse me, please?” (Receiving lines can be inexcusably held up if one of the hosts is a long talker — for instance President Biden, who kept a receiving line going so long that dinner was not served until 10:30 PM. Read Etiquetteer’s column on that contretemps here.)

Etiquetteer wishes you a smoothly run event with respectful guests and beautiful but brief conversations.

*No, this is not true. Certainly they had met by 1963, as Jackie spent some time on the Onassis yacht recovering from the birth and death of her infant son Patrick in summer of that year.

**Etiquetteer defines “a small crowd” as less than 50. More than 50, and a receiving line might work better.

Super Manners for the Supermarket, Vol. 24, Issue 6

Etiquette is for every person in every time and every place, not just weddings or other dress-up occasions. That includes the supermarket, and it may be that some people need a little refresher about what is Perfectly Proper.

• The most important rule for supermarket shopping is to stay out of the way. Be aware of where you are in relation to other people, especially on narrow aisles with extra-wide carts. Accidentally blocking the aisle makes shopping frustrating for others.

• In the same vein, don’t take too long to choose. While you dawdle over which kind of mustard you want, another shopper knows exactly which jar of capers to get on the shelf below — that you’re blocking. Give way with a smile if someone asks you to move briefly.

• If you’re very tall, expect to help others reach that item on the top shelf. If you’re not that tall, ask for help nicely starting with “Excuse me, please . . .” so that Tall Person knows you’re speaking to them. “I need that” just conveys that you’re bossy.

• Count your items before you get to the express lane so that you know you don’t have too many. Some snarky shopper behind you in line might make a point of pointing that out.

• Don’t be that snarky shopper. Sorry you’re having a bad day, but you will only end up looking like a jerk.

• Never abandon your cart in line to go back for something you forgot. It’s rude.

• When approaching the register, get off the phone. The cashier deserves your undivided attention, especially if there are questions about your items. And speaking of which . . .

• . . . Know your coupons. Coupon shopping is great as long as you actually buy things covered by the coupons. Not knowing what you’re doing complicates things for the cashier, and frustrates everyone behind you in line.

• Smile and thank the cashier and the bagger. They’re people, not drudges.

• Always return your cart to the proper place, especially in a parking lot, where errant carts are a true safety hazard. This is such a small thing to do, and so many just cannot be bothered. Don’t be that person.

“I don’t know why they always put what I want on the top shelf.”

Eleanor Roosevelt's Etiquette Book, Vol. 24, Issue 5

You can’t forget what you never knew. Because Eleanor Roosevelt left such a broad and colorful legacy as a tireless First Lady and human rights advocate, her Book of Common Sense Etiquette has been left to languish in the shadows. People simply don’t know that she produced 555 pages on Space Age Perfect Propriety in 1962. This could be for two reasons: she doesn’t really tell you where the forks go when setting the table (so many people believe that is the only function of an etiquette book — that and weddings), and her all-purpose answer to just about anything is “Democracy” (which is not always that helpful).

What makes her Common Sense an innovator of the period is her inclusion of young people with special sections on “Thirteen to Nineteen (Teen Agers*),” etiquette for interacting smoothly with the disabled, and especially (to Etiquetteer) her words of wisdom and good taste about patriotism. The former she approached with some reluctance but with great sensitivity and understanding: “The rules that govern [teenagers’] behavior should be no different form those that govern the behavior of anyone else. Yet they are in the grip of physical and spiritual drives which they have not known as young children, and which will not affect them in quite the same way when they grow up. Their situation is special, and for that reason they deserve a special chapter.”** Tellingly, she begins this section with “Idealism and the Call to Leadership.”

Mrs. Roosevelt may well be the first etiquette writer to consider the needs of the disabled***, and she does so with her trademark compassion backed up with expert medical opinion. Her most helpful advice could be distilled to Don’t Overdramatize: “One who is sincerely interested in . . . cooperation, in being genuinely helpful, will pay only so much attention to the disability as is necessary to give the other the help he needs and wants, will not call undue attention to it by extravagant gestures of sympathy and elaborate offers of undesired help . . . ” and will basically Keep Calm****.

But to Etiquetteer, her most important chapter comes at the very end, “Showing Your Colors: Patriotism, the Flag, and the National Anthem.” Mrs. Roosevelt doesn’t just cover the mechanics of how to behave when the United States flag is raised, lowered, displayed, disposed of, or carried in a parade, or what to do when the National Anthem is sung (in a stadium, if you are not at your seats yet, you stop where you are in the aisle and stand at attention until the Anthem is finished), but she gets right to the heart of what patriotism is for all people: “True patriotism springs from a belief in the dignity of the individual, freedom and equality not only for Americans but for all people on earth, universal brotherhood and good will, and a constant and earnest striving toward the principles and ideals on which this country was founded.”*****

Etiquetteer invites you to reflect on those words today, and every day.

*In the text she refers to “teenagers,” but it is amusing to consider this moment in the linguistic evolution of a new word, from “teen ager” to “teenager” — much as “e-mail” gradually became “email.”

**Page 418.

***Again, it is interesting to observe how our language has changed since this book was published in 1962. We no longer refer to the Handicapped, for instance, but to the Disabled or the Differently Abled. The term “crippled,” once standard, is now considered an insult.

****Page 459.

*****Page 550.

Reader Responses, Vol. 24, Issue 4

Readers (and randos from the internet) have had a few things to say about a few things Etiquetteer has had to say.

Regarding Alternative Hostess Gifts:

• “Since I know nothing about wines and which one to select, I always send flowers. But I send them a day or two early so the host has time to deal with them, but also knows they don’t have to order flowers if they wanted some to brighten their house anyway.” What could be more Perfectly Proper than this?!

• “Understanding a little about you, the gifts you appreciated most are from guests who had an intimate knowledge of you. If you know your host well, choose something your host will appreciate; if you do not know your host well, choose something safe and practical (that includes wine). Speaking for myself, I prefer no host gift be given as I tend to be very specific in my tastes . . . around the holidays my preferred gift is high quality eggnog in a bottle from a local dairy.”

Regarding Wedding Gifts:

• “Etiquetteer, you wrote ‘Finally, Brides Today can be so uppity about getting anything that looks like it might have belonged to their grandmothers.’ Actually, Grooms Today can also have strong opinions about wedding presents. Our society is moving away from public acceptance of stereotypes based on gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, handicap, addiction or body size. It seems brides are the one group of people who can be sneered at with impunity.” The Wedding Industrial Complex has given us the Bridezilla, and Etiquetteer will continue to call her out for her lack of consideration. Grooms may indeed have strong opinions about wedding gifts, but Etiquetteer has yet to see anything like the news coverage Bridezillas get over their rapaciousness.

Regarding “The Star-Spangled Banner”:

• “It’s not a ‘song.’ It’s an anthem.” Perhaps you are referring to this sentence from column 20.16? “If you’d rather the United States pick another song as the official National Anthem . . . or start your own.” If another song is ever chosen to become the National Anthem, it will become an anthem. Thank you kindly for pointing that out. Etiquetteer hopes it made you feel better.

Alternative Hostess Gifts, Vol. 24, Issue 3

Over on Instagram, Old Soul Etiquette (the marvelous Mariah Grumet, you must follow her) has suggested that one of the In Things for 2025 needs to be “host gifts that aren’t wine.” And let’s face it, the Bottle Handover can sometimes feel like Payment for Services Rendered*. So let’s look at the custom of giving a gift to one’s hosts and consider some options — particularly since Etiquetteer received some thoughtful gifts yesterday after hosting an afternoon party.

A hostess gift is, first of all, a gift for the hosts to enjoy later, not something expected to be used or consumed during the party. Experts differ on whether or not gifts are required; some say “Never arrive emptyhanded,” others believe a Lovely Note of Thanks sent the next day is more important, and still others say to do both. Etiquetteer firmly believes that you are Not a Bad Person if you don’t bring a hostess gift, but it’s charming and thoughtful when you do.

If wine, especially red wine, is the default hostess gift, fresh flowers run a close second. Some hosts complain vigorously (but not to their guests) that having to find a vase and arrange a bouquet while simultaneously welcoming guests, taking coats, and pouring drinks is Too Much to Deal With. Etiquetteer (who loves fresh flowers) would remind them that the inconvenience is momentary, and would encourage guests to consider a small potted plant instead.

Chocolates and other foodstuffs are often good choices, too. Etiquetteer has occasionally been brought lovely boxes of chocolate so beautiful it has been a struggle between sharing them immediately or saving the entire box to gorge on later. But a food gift doesn’t have to be candy. Yesterday, for instance, a guest brought Etiquetteer a bottle of herb-infused olive oil — something to lend depth to some standard recipes. Still another guest brought a small bottle of small batch gin from a specialty distiller.

Finally, the theme or novelty gift that has something to do with a party theme or a special interest of the hosts could make a hit. Yesterday’s gathering was to tell fortunes for the New Year, and a guest brought as a gift an unusual deck of tarot cards, exactly tying into the party’s purpose. But these could also be small paperback books, suncatchers, votive candles, magnets, etc. Use your imagination, and your knowledge of your hosts’ interests.

Etiquetteer wishes you joy as you consider how to thank your hosts for a good time.

*But not if the hosts have asked for guests to bring wine.

Holiday Fallout, Concert Edition, Vol. 24, Issue 2

Dear Etiquetteer:

When exactly is the right time to remove a restless infant from an auditorium or concert hall?

Dear Eagle-Eared:

At any time before the child’s fifth birthday, depending on the policy of the house. While the Boston Symphony Orchestra declines to admit children younger than five, the Los Angeles Philharmonic allows no children under six, and the Chicago Symphony has a minimum age of eight. When Boston Ballet produces The Nutcracker, one of the most attractive holiday spectacles for children, the Company notes “that infants and children under two years of age are not allowed in the theater, and The Nutcracker is recommended for children ages five and up.” Parents should heed these recommendations.

But these are large professional arts organizations. It doesn’t surprise Etiquetteer that for church and community concerts during the holidays, infants and too-young children get brought along with the family — possibly because other family members are performing. As always, Etiquetteer sympathizes most with the rest of the audience. The minute a child becomes vocal or overly fretful, their Responsible Adult should take them from the house and not expect to be reseated until it’s appropriate.

It’s worth noting that many performing arts organizations have child-friendly performances (for instance, the Boston Symphony Orchestra’s Family Concert Series) to accommodate families. Etiquetteer hopes others will also consider this appproach, which feels like a win-win.

Dear Etiquetteer:

When I arrive at the concert hall on time, may I sit in the “reserved for latecomers” seats?  I was here on time after all. I don’t see why latecomers should get better seats than I do. 🤷‍♂️

Dear Seated:

Etiquetteer understands it, of course. You’re tired of Virtue being its own reward, and want your gold star. But let’s look at this situation from a different angle. Who really benefits most from convenient seats after a concert has started? You might say the latecomers, but Etiquetteer would say it’s everyone else in the auditorium. Late arrivals are made as inconspicuous as possible with those specially reserved seats (Etiquetteer bets they were on an aisle), so no one has to be stepped over or have their view blocked during the first act. Much easier, must less disruptive.

While thanking you for being on time for the start of the concert, Etiquetteer would like to encourage you to embrace the spirit of the holidays just past and look on those seats as a kindness to all rather than a benefit to the undeserving.

Dry January, Vol. 24, Issue 1

Dear Etiquetteer:

Sometimes I want to cut back on my alcohol intake or, in the case of Dry January, not drink any alcohol at all. Personally I find I’m able to stick to these resolutions at a party if I bring my own non-alcoholic drink. Yes, a good host will always have non-alcoholic beverages on hand. But if I bring my own I find that I am actually able to stick with my plan. Do you have any thoughts on this?

Dear Drying:

Dry January — abstaining from all alcohol for all January after Presumed Winter Holiday Excess — has been getting a lot of press in recent years. Many people have found it a valuable challenge, but a challenge nonetheless. Rather than go Cold Turkey, others opt to reduce their intake and call it Damp January. Moderation is usually Perfectly Proper; this should be encouraged.

The trick to BYOB(everage) is just the same as it is for a special diet: discretion. Showing up with a Big Gulp or a Camelbak when everyone else is drinking from glasses is going to call attention to yourself. If you’re bringing your own stash of soda (or what have you), leave it in the kitchen and drink it from the host’s glasses. Etiquetteer is fond of the example of trailblazing vegetarian Gloria Swanson, who would bring her own sandwich to a dinner party and slip it to the butler on arrival so it could be served to her when everyone else got their meat. She kept to her diet, but didn’t put a spotlight on it.

Etiquetteer wishes you a discreet and successful Dry January.

Top Ten of 2024, Vol. 23, Issue 75

For this last column of 2024, Etiquetteer picks out the top ten columns of the year, for entirely random reasons. You may have different choices; take a look at the index and share what worked for you.

In chronological order:

• Etiquetteer may be the only etiquette writer to have put down some rules for how to attend drag brunch, but if you haven’t been — and even if you’re not thinking about going — this will give you a window on what to expect at a function not known for Perfect Propriety. “Tipping is part of the Total Entertainment Experience of drag brunch — Etiquetteer never knew anyone could accept a bill with their teeth — so save yourself some trouble and change those twenties for ones and fives before you get there.”

• The home wedding deserves a comeback*, and Etiquetteer shared the story of President Woodrow Wilson’s second wedding at the home of the bride, Mrs. Edith Bolling Galt. “‘Fifteen or twenty would have been a crowd,’ Hoover observed, but President Wilson had told him 40 guests. Unfortunately the combined families took up almost all that space, and they still had to consider Cabinet members and their wives as well as personal friends. ‘. . . there were many keen disappointments on the friend list . . .’”

• To celebrate Etiquetteer’s first Auntie Mame Mob cocktail party in March, That Mr. Dimmick shared some important Life Lessons from Auntie Mame: “Mame did not let prejudice or stigma get in the way of loving and learning from people . . . Let’s not forget her entertaining “a distinguished Lithuanian rabbi and two chorus girls from the cast of Blackbirds” the day Mr. Babcock found out about Patrick’s school, too. And especially the way she took down the Upsons over their narrow-minded attitudes. Auntie Mame enjoyed a wide circle of acquaintance, but bigots had no place in it.

• A reader with concerns about Facetiming in the gym’s locker room led to a popular column on Locker Room Etiquette: “It is so tempting to respond with a Snappy Comeback, e.g. ‘Is that for your OnlyFans?’ or ‘Are you sure your wife doesn’t know we’re here?’ But that is not Perfectly Proper, and it really will not do anything to help the situation.”

• Women’s Jewelry for Men turned out to be popular with readers, as one male reader contemplated how to incorporate his late mother’s jewelry into his own wardrobe: “By all means experiment at home, and seek the advice of someone you trust who can look you over in person and say Yea or Nay. But remember that jewelry is supposed to call attention to the wearer, not itself. That means showing some restraint.”

• At the start of summer it was time to explore the Perfect Propriety of iced tea: “Mrs. MacDougall also wrote ‘Don’t forget that the Chinese use no sugar at all — and they know tea.’ She clearly didn’t know the American South, where sweet tea is more than nectar for some; it’s a lifestyle . . . It’s very sweet (which is the point), so it’s not for everyone. Restaurants will ask if you want ‘sweet or unsweet tea.’ Order wisely.”

• An Etiquette Education included some interesting bits Etiquetteer picked up after successfully completing the English Manner’s Train the Trainer curriculum: “The reason lemon forks exist (all right, first — surprise, there is such a thing as a lemon fork) is to remove the pips from lemon slices because they affect the way your tea tastes. To which I can only exclaim “Science!” and continue to take my tea black.”

• A reader wrote to ask how to handle Inappropriate Dance Floor Behavior in what turned out to be a popular column: “While the presence of masks traditionally encourages unbridled freedom — think of Carnival in Venice — ‘No means No’ is more generally accepted as a Stern Warning than a Clandestine Invitation now, or should be . . . In fact, you updated ‘Sir, you are no gentleman’ for this century.”

• Tips on Thanksgiving Manners also proved to be popular: “The only reason one leaves the table mid-meal (besides seconds) is ‘to wash your hands.’ No one needs to know specifically what you’re going to do in the bathroom, for heaven’s sake.”

• Etiquetteer examined Six Types of Party Guests and what to do about them: “Nothing is good enough for some people, who share suggestions about how things could have been done differently . . . People forget sometimes that a private home is not a restaurant where one pays for the hospitality one wants. If you don’t want to be invited back (and perhaps you don’t), this is the way to do it . . .”

So . . . farewell, Old Year! It’s been . . . well, it’s been full. Here’s to a New Year of Tenacious Perfect Propriety for all!

*Etiquetteer sees you, Observant and Devout Catholic Readers, ready to pounce with a reminder that Catholic weddings may only be solemnized inside a church and never at home. Etiquetteer covers that very issue in the column.

Holiday Fallout, Vol. 23, Issue 74

Etiquetteer Darling:

This is a real question for the expert. This happened in real life on Christmas Eve. I was invited to a feast. I offered to bring a dessert and bubbly. The host/chef replied, “Oh, bring prosecco. Yum!” No comment about sweets. However, I knew that there would be at least one gluten-free guest so I made a gluten-free sheet cake with frosting. When dinner transitioned to dessert they didn’t bring out my cake. Yes, I’m hurt. I’m offended. Please help.

Dear Baked:

Etiquetteer understands why you feel hurt, of course, having gone to the trouble of looking out for a guest with a special diet at this feast to which you both had been invited. Clearer communication from the host/chef would have been helpful. Obviously “Bring prosecco” was not specific enough; adding “We have the food part all set” would have eliminated any confusion. This is something for you to remember next time. If you don’t get every part of your question answered, keep asking until you get the answers you need.

To be charitable, it may be that the hosts got so distracted or engaged with getting everything done that they completely forgot about your cake* and woke up the next day to ask “What on earth is this gluten-free sheet cake doing in the kitchen?!” But the general rule is, if you’re bringing anything to a party (unless it’s a potluck and it’s been requested), you shouldn’t expect it to be served at the party because it’s a gift to the hosts.

Etiquetteer thinks it would be lovely for you to begin the New Year by baking that cake again and inviting your gluten-free friend(s) to a candlelight tea.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was invited to come over for Christmas Eve but given no time. I replied that I was afraid I wouldn’t be there before 7:00/7:30 PM because of a family holiday dinner. They said “Oh, OK,” then told me that it would start “after 7:00 PM.” I had no idea if it was a buffet, open house or what. I got there and the table was set for eight. They had to pull a chair for me even though I had confirmed. What should I have done?

Dear Extra:

Oh dear. “Come over for Christmas Eve” is not very specific, is it? That could mean a meal (as in this case), or a cocktail party, or a gift exchange, or a viewing of Seasonal Movies, or anything! Whether it’s for a holiday or not, invitations need to be specific:

WHO: Exactly who is invited (e.g. guest, partner, children, visiting relations [if any]).

WHAT: What kind of party it is so people know what to expect. In this case they should have said “Christmas Eve dinner.” And also exactly what to bring (or not — see letter above).

WHEN: Exactly what time to arrive at the door, and also when to eat. “Please come at 7, we’ll be sitting down at 7:30” would have helped you so much.

WHERE: The location of the party.

Your query actually sounds as though everyone did everything they were supposed to do in the moment. You showed up when you said you would, and the absent-minded hosts accommodated you. Etiquetteer understands how that looks and feels awkward, but you need not reproach yourself. If these hosts invite you again, though, Etiquetteer suggests you get a written invitation (not a text), and that you confirm your plans with them on the morning of the event.

*This is more typical of That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much. As Leonide Massine so memorably said in The Red Shoes, “Chaos chaos chaos!”

Quick Tips Before Christmas, Vol. 23, Issue 73

Christmas — all the winter holidays, in fact — are mere days away. The excitement and, yes, anxiety will soon reach the frenzy stage if they haven’t already. Etiquetteer has a few quick tips to make the run up to the Most Wonderful Time of the Year hopefully a little less frenzied.

• Expect something to go wrong. A Wise Old Man taught Etiquetteer 20 years ago to expect three things to go wrong, and that’s actually good advice. There is so much striving for the perfect holiday — the perfect meal, the perfect gift, the perfectly decorated home — that any accident or deviation can darken the mood sharply. And unnecessarily. More important than the perfect holiday is knowing how to handle crises calmly, and therefore with Perfect Propriety.* And to do that . . .

• Have a backup plan. What do you do if the gift isn’t delivered on time, if the turkey refuses to thaw, if your child or grandchild has a tantrum or a wardrobe malfunction, if a candle accidentally sets the curtains on fire? Brainstorm in advance what might have to be done so you can transition to Plan B if necessary. In these cases they might be apologies or alternate gifts, takeout Chinese food, naptime, and a fire extinguisher.

• Be kind to the staff. People get so intently focused on their tasks and errands (and impediments) that they forget to be courteous to cashiers and sales staff. This is not Perfectly Proper. Get off the phone before approaching the cash register (no, really!), remember the Magic Words, and express appreciation for their help. That will go a long way to Making the Season Bright.

• Allow extra time. For everything. Especially travel. It’s better to be early than late, and miss your flight.

• It might not be the gift you want, and that’s OK. And if it isn’t, keep it to yourself.

• Respond kindly. If you celebrate Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa) and someone wishes you “Happy holidays!” recognize that that that person is wishing you well and not intentionally minimizing the Holiday of Your Choice.

Etiquetteer wishes you smooth sailing in your final preparations.

*It is a lesson That Mr. Dimmick must relearn almost daily.

Six Types of Party Guest, Vol. 23, Issue 72

Even people who never entertain are more likely to give a party during the winter holidays than at other times of year. Maybe that’s why Etiquetteer has been thinking about different kinds of party guests and what can be done about them . . .

The Early: You’re rushing about filling candy dishes or turning the roast or, saints preserve us, getting out of the shower, and ding-dong, there’s Miss Pearl Early, 15 minutes or more ahead, blithely unaware and ready to party. Park her in the living room with an apologetic smile and a “I’ve still got a few things to do before seven o’clock, but then I’ll be right with you.” (Etiquetteer sees no reason not to mention the time, as long as you can do so kindly.) If they offer to help, put them to work! Hosts can mitigate the impact of early arrivals by planning to have “curtain up” 15-30 minutes before the party starts*. But really, weather permitting, it’s more thoughtful for early arrivals to walk around the block or wait in the car until the party starts.

The Tardy: Flip the coin and you get the guest who waltzes in after dinner has been both held for them and finally served out of consideration for the other guests. (It can also be fatal on games night when you absolutely must have six players.) One can use traffic as an excuse only so much. Hosts may only express surprise and delight when the Tardy arrive, but if they’ve missed the soup, they’ve missed the soup.

The Allergic: Now before you get all up in arms, Etiquetteer has to point out that we live in a much more sympathetic time about food allergies. You can’t just grin and bear it if eating something could send you to the hospital or the morgue. But to hear “Oh, I can’t eat this” when everyone is already at the table is one of the greatest challenges a host can face. The standard solution is scrambled eggs, but even then that takes the host back to the kitchen away from the table. For those with severe allergies**, pre-party communication is key to a smooth evening. Sometimes that means bringing your own refreshments, which is Perfectly Proper when handled with discretion.

The Critic: Nothing is good enough for some people, who share suggestions about how things could have been done differently throughout the party. People forget sometimes that a private home is not a restaurant where one pays for the hospitality one wants. If you don’t want to be invited back (and perhaps you don’t), this is the way to do it — but Etiquetteer doesn’t recommend it. Be kind.

The Deejay: Don’t like the host’s music? Don’t like the host’s absence of music? Grin and bear it. Unless specifically asked, keep your hands off the a/v, and don’t maneuver your own playlist over the speakers. Hosts makes choices about whether or not to have music to create the atmosphere they want to project. If you prefer a different atmosphere, what a wonderful opportunity for you to give your own party.

The Perfectly Proper: This is the guest we all enjoy the most, who has reread the invitation on the day of the party to know when to arrive, how to get there, and what to bring (if anything). The Perfectly Proper arrive on time, smiling, ready to make conversation with all present, and to help out if absolutely necessary. They don’t overstay their welcome, and send a Lovely Note of Thanks the next day. It is a joy to entertain them.

*And really, that moment of quiet anticipation when everything is ready and the lighting is just so . . . it’s one of the nicest moments any host can have.

**It is really Not at All Perfectly Proper to plead allergy when you just don’t like something.

Random Ideas About the Holidays, Vol. 23, Issue 71

They’re getting closer and closer, the winter holidays*. The jury is out on whether or not that Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much will, like Christina Crawford, “get the cards out on time, OK?” But there is still time to consider a few things “to make the season bright.” Etiquetteer turns for inspiration today to Dame Curtsy’s Book of Novel Entertainments for Every Day of the Year.

First, let’s consider gifts of money. Etiquetteer is not alone in wanting gifts to feel more like gifts and less like transactions. That is one of the drawbacks of the ubiquitous gift card. Dame Curtsy gave a surprise when she wrote “There are occasions when it is best to give money instead of articles.” But she quickly justified Etiquetteer’s position by adding “Even then there may be a pleasant mystery about receiving it.” Origami is one way (several possible folds may be found here at the Daily Dabble), and Dame Curtsy describes a man folding greenbacks into the folds of a paper fan to give to his mother. She also recommends a scavenger hunt for young children to find silver dollars hidden throughout the house. (That could be challenging.) Of course there is nothing wrong with the plain white envelope (either handed directly to the recipient or hidden on the Christmas tree); Etiquetteer likes those best when they include a handwritten message from the giver, too.

Dame Curtsy recommends some, shall we say, involved ways of distributing gifts. Etiquetteer doesn’t think much of her “Snowball Christmas” idea to roll every gift in cotton, “dip lightly in mucilage or gum arabic water, then sprinkle plentifully with diamond dust. Pile these balls in a pyramid . . . with a wreath of holly around them.” The entire house would glitter like Varykino until Memorial Day! More user friendly is the “Christmas Barrel,” a large barrel decorated with crepe paper and holly and ribbons, placed somewhere in the house where everyone could get to it before Christmas to put their presents in. “At breakfast it was rolled into the dining room and the contents disclosed” by a family member chosen to be Santa by drawing candy canes instead of straws. “This is not much trouble, and infinitely better than just the ordinary way of giving things.” She also suggests putting presents into an urn as a table centerpiece, and making a “huge stocking . . . with a wire in the hem around the top to keep it open.” If you’re looking for some novelty in your Christmas morning, one of these methods might be worth exploring.

Etiquetteer wishes you joy as you contemplate novelty, tradition, and of course Perfect Propriety for the Holiday of Your Choice.

*Indeed, 2024 uniquely synchronizes the three winter holidays. Hanukkah begins at sundown on December 25 and Kwanzaa begins December 26.