Etiquetteer

Etiquetteer was gratified that several readers leapt to his defense after reading about Etiquetteer's experience wearing a yarmulke at a Jewish funeral while not actually Jewish himself:

From a child of a mixed-faith household: It is always proper and a sign of respect to wear a kippah (yarmulke) at a Jewish funeral home, or in Temple or at a Rabbi's home even if one isn't Jewish. My dad, who converted when he was 70, always wore a kippah in Temple when we would go for a funeral or a Bat Mitzva or Bar Mitzva or wedding. It is customary to offer one to every gentleman to wear so that they can cover their head out of respect. What was out of line wasn't that you were wearing one (which was very nice of you to do) it was the disrespect of the two drug users in question who were also in attendance. That really was shameful behavior!

From a Jewish lady: My husband and I were distressed by at the ignorance and stupidity of people who questioned your right to wear a yamulke ( kippa in Hebrew). It is considered correct religious etiquette to cover your head during a Jewish religious event, be it a Sabbath service, wedding,funeral, or Brit Milah (circumsion ceremony). As someone who is not Jewish, you would not be expected nor permitted to wear a prayer shawl, a tallit during a worship service. So please do not let the rude remarks concerning your head covering prevent you from applying the kippa to your head again if you find yourself in a Jewish religious setting.

From a well-known on-line journaller, photographer, and actress who knows Randy Newman: I respectfully disagree with something in your last column, about non-Jews wearing yarmulkes at Jewish ceremonies. Just as one removes one's shoes in a mosque no matter what one's religion, and women used to cover their heads in Catholic churches no matter what their religion, if you are in a temple and you are a man, you wear a yarmulke. Now, I notice that this was not in temple but in a Jewish funeral home, but I would imagine that the rule would still apply, proper respect requires the wearing of the yarmulke. The laughers were, of course, morons.

After such a brisk and chivalrous response, Etiquetteer did a little checking for "chapter and verse." Happily, a wonderful resource bore out the correct instructions of Etiquetteer's readers: How to Be a Perfect Stranger: A Guide to Etiquette in Other People's Religious Ceremonies, edited by Arthur J. Magida. And indeed, the yarmulke is required of all men attending a Jewish service.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I work at a non-profit with a group of volunteers who are old enough to be my parents. We all have a strong professional relationship, but that’s all it is, professional. We don’t socialize in any way outside meetings.

A few months ago I got started on Facebook. It’s been great finding friends from old jobs and high school. But over the last week two of my volunteers have sent me friend requests. It may not sound very nice to say this, but I don’t want to be friends with them! Besides, there are parts of my life that are strictly social on Facebook and which don’t look at all professional. And I’d rather keep how I relate to my volunteers professional.

How can I ignore their friend requests without hurting their feelings?

Dear Faced Book:

No one should have to socialize with business colleagues if they don’t want to. On the other hand, that’s more and more difficult with everyone putting comprehensive personal dossiers on social networking websites open to the world. Etiquetteer frequently wonders how surprised George Orwell would be that civilization has taken so willingly to the telescreen of "1984." Because no matter how much you think you control the access,nothing is private on the Internet.

Etiquetteer can think of two solutions, neither of which seems ideal, but still workable. You could ignore the friend requests from your volunteers and hope they don’t say anything about to you. If they do (which Etiquetteer would find very rude) simply explain that you use Facebook for social networking and that you prefer to keep your relationship professional. Indeed, Etiquetteer sent a friend request to someone he knows both professionally and socially and was a little hurt when he realized that the Person In Question had blocked Etiquetteer from their profile. This made Etiquetteer realize that the professional relationship carried more weight than the social one, but Etiquetteer knew enough Perfect Propriety to Leave It At That.

You could also make your volunteers friends using the "Limited Profile" option, which means you could control which aspects of your profile they get to see. For instance, Etiquetteer has no idea what sort of "social" photos you’re posting on Facebook. But the ability to tell someone has a piercing under their clothes is one thing; to be able to see the piercing in photos on line with lots of surrounding flesh is quite another!

Etiquetteer highly recommends browsing through the Proper Facebook Etiquette Blog for even more information.

Dear Etiquetteer:

An acquaintance who formerly has been in trouble with the law for drugs has been incarcerated for several months but has not revealed what he was convicted of. If he was an accessory for a murder, for example, I might not want to stay friends with him! What is the diplomatic way to find out what he's been serving time for?

Dear Innocent Bystander:

The most diplomatic way would not be through your friend or his/her legal representative. Etiquetteer suspects that this would be a matter of public record. Check with the Department of Public Records or the police to see what they have on your friend.

Only you can decide whether or not to retain the friendship after you discover the crime of which your friend was convicted. Etiquette does not compel one to maintain friendships when one no longer wishes to maintain them. Should you decide to sever all contact, stop contacting him/her, and don’t respond.

Back in December Etiquetteer was privileged to be invited to a Hanukkah party for the very first time. It was a beautiful occasion (Etiquetteer was delighted to discover that fried foods are an important part of this holiday) and it was also the first time Etiquetteer had heard anyone refer to a yarmulke as a "lid." Reflecting on that today recalled a scene from Etiquetteer’s early career when he was called upon to attend a funeral at a Jewish funeral home. Etiquetteer will confess to having been puzzled when the usher handed him a yarmulke; after all, Etiquetteer looks unmistakably like goyim. But not wanting to show disrespect, Etiquetteer slipped it on and took a seat. Later during the service, Etiquetteer was nonplussed to find himself the subject of snickering from the back of the room. Two colleagues, who later confessed that they were "herbally enhanced," found it hilarious to see such an obvious non-Jew wearing a yarmulke.From this memory of his twenties, Etiquetteer derives two lessons in Perfect Propriety: 1) If you’re not Jewish, don’t wear a yarmulke, and 2) don't get stoned out of your mind before the funeral.