“She’s to keep to two subjects: the weather and everybody’s health—Fine day and How do you do, you know — and not to let herself go on things in general. That will be safe.” — Henry Higgins, Pygmalion, by George Bernard Shaw
“You know, we must have a nice talk about the Civil War sometime — just you and I.” — Marie Dressler as Carlotta Vance in Dinner at Eight (1933)
Is it just Etiquetteer, or is there a lot more chatter this year about whether or not to go to Thanksgiving dinner as usual? Unsurprisingly, politics is the cause. It feels like a great reordering of our relationships is taking place — just in time for the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. How are we to get through this with Perfect Propriety? Of course Etiquetteer believes there is still a place for Perfect Propriety, in both our daily and national lives. We need to make a stand for the things we love, don’t we? Etiquetteer still believes good manners have a place. Presumably you do, too, or you wouldn’t be reading this.
Now we all know that politics is one of the Forbidden Topics at a dinner*. And we all know people who just breeze by that taboo and babble or rant away, absolutely not caring who they make uncomfortable. (Some of them even count on it — sadists.) For those who have suffered in silence for many years, this may be the time to send regrets instead and make other plans. And . . . it may not. Psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert makes the case for accepting the invitation anyway here.
Etiquetteer wrote in a recent column on Civic Pride that “we ourselves need to model the behavior we most want to see.” So if Kindness and Courtesy have a value for you (and Etiquetteer thinks they should), you should decline invitations kindly. That doesn’t mean you have to be dishonest. “It’s kind of you to invite me again, but I don’t want to risk any political discussion this year, and that always seems to come up. Thanks for understanding.”
If someone declines your Thanksgiving invitation, of course you may express your disappointment, but don’t coerce them into coming. A simple “You will be missed, you know, and the door is always open to you if you change your mind” is as far as you need to go. And on the day you need to control the table talk kindly but firmly. “We’re not going to talk about that today,” and then change the subject to something more neutral.
Etiquetteer wishes you a truly Happy Thanksgiving with congenial companions.
*The others are, in random order: sex, money, religion, personal appearance, and complaints about the food.