Dear Etiquetteer:
I recently moved into a fairly upscale high rise apartment building with approximately 120 units. The building is equipped with two elevators which provide for a myriad of social interaction. So many of my neighbors are polite, and even genuinely friendly. Riding the elevators generally facilitates pleasant and welcome connection. However, it is always possible to catch someone on a bad day, or at a stressful moment.
Would Etiquetteer be so kind as to provide some advice for managing the inevitable situations that arise when the building’s 200 or so residents randomly interact on a regular and recurring basis while riding the elevators. Challenges that I have noted so far include: how to deal with other people’s overly friendly or wet dogs, ongoing cell phone conversations, lost pizza delivery boys, mooning couples who smooch on the short ride upstairs.
Because I am dating someone who lives in the building on another floor, I also solicit Etiqueteer’s recommendations for elevator attire. While I would not wear a bathrobe and slippers outside my own or my beloved’s apartment, how “dressed” do I need to be to traverse between floors?
Dear Elevated:
Residential elevators are a kind of neighborhood crucible, aren’t they? They distill community feelings into a confined space for (one hopes) a very brief period. Usually they’re unremarkable, even pleasant — but sometimes a spark can start a fire. What is most important to remember is that an elevator ride is finite; whatever interactions take place will end in moments.
In general, a brief nod or “Good morning” is all that’s needed. If you feel like engaging, respond more fully. If people respond to you curtly or with silence, respect their space. A Very Reserved Tenant of a building where Etiquetteer worked, when asked “How are you today?” would respond only “Thank you.” Not “Fine, thanks” or “Very well, thank you,” but just “Thank you.” This deftly acknowledged the courtesy of the question without inviting more talk. It’s a handy strategy for when you Don’t Feel Like Talking.
There are no bad dogs, the saying goes, only bad dog owners. And bad dog owners in apartments blocks do not keep their dogs leashed in public areas, keep them from disturbing others, or think anything is ever the dog’s fault. A particular challenge when the elevator is small and the dog is large. If you feel at all uncertain, wait for the next elevator without embarrassment. If you’re already in the elevator and a dog enters, retreat to the furthest corner, greet the dog owner with a brisk “Good morning!” and use your body language to communicate that you want to be as far away from the dog as possible. This could lead to a Discussion About Feelings, but Dog People should eventually understand which neighbors are Not Dog People.
Phone conversations in elevators are rude, but that doesn’t seem to stop people. Remember that elevator trips are finite. Remember, too, what your neighbor is talking about and ask them about it when you see them next. “I hope you were able to work out those carpool issues I heard you talking about last week” should raise an eyebrow, and awareness that an elevator is not a phone booth.
Etiquetteer sympathizes with those lost delivery staff, who just want to do their jobs, get a good tip, and not be double-parked too long outside. Direct them kindly to the correct floor or corridor (without escorting them there) and go about your business.
Just look at the turnout of all these courtroom spectators in Perry Mason.
In public spaces of a high-rise apartment, Etiquetteer believes you should be fully dressed. No, you don’t have to look like you just walked out of a Perry Mason courtroom*, but you should look like you’re ready for the day. That means no pajamas or bathrobes, no rags and tatters, no bare feet or slippers**, and no looking like you just rolled out of bed, even if you have, in fact, just rolled out of bed. This includes trips to the laundry room.
As to canoodling in the elevator, well, we know what to do about that! “I hope I’m not bothering you, we’re almost at my floor” ought to abash at least a few Amorous Couples. If not, a reference to the security cameras should***. If you’re feeling saucy and unthreatened, you could ask about their OnlyFans — but we all know that that is Not Actually Perfectly Proper.
Oh, and here’s your floor now.
More Perry Mason elegance. You don’t have to dress like this to take the elevator down for your mail, but it couldn’t hurt.
*Perry Mason, somehow, set the standard for pre-Vietnam War elegance.
**Espadrilles or furlane make elegant exceptions, as they dress up any lounging-around clothes.
***Make sure your building has them first.