Dear Etiquetteer:
Can you help me out of a hostessing dilemma? I like to take people out to dinner at restaurants rather than have them to dinner in my home. It’s less work for me, and with pandemic restrictions lifting, we all like getting out of the house and into the world again.
My dilemma is how to steer people away from the pricy end of the menu. When some of my guests actually realize I’m picking up the bill, they shift up to prime rib and champagne instead of something more usual. If I was entertaining them at home, that’s not what they’d be getting.
Etiquetteer, how can I set a boundary for my hospitality outside the home without looking cheap or embarrassing my guests?
Dear Hostess:
The idea of hosting a dinner party in a restaurant is so old-fashioned but gracious and delightful; Etiquetteer would love to see this make a comeback. Part of the problem is that Dutch Treat is more usual in restaurants: ordering whatever you wish and paying for it yourself (or splitting the bill evenly regardless of who ordered how much of what). Setting a limit within the illusion of boundless hospitality is a bit of a challenge.
Dear Mother was taught “A lady always orders from the middle of the menu” when invited out because a) you didn’t want to break the host’s bank account, but b) you also didn’t want to convey that the host might actually be cost conscious. If your guests are discovering that you’re picking up the bill as they’re opening their menus, it’s easier for excitement to tempt them. Instead, include “as my guest” when you invite them to lessen the shock. You might even drop a hint about a mid-level entrée: “Won’t you join me as my guest at En Economía Gourmet on the 18th? I’m so eager to try their tapas again.” Do that again when you’re all at the table looking at the menu, a subtle indication. Don’t send them to the restaurant’s website, not even for driving directions; it could lead them astray.
Dorothy Draper’s madcap book Entertaining Is Fun! includes many impractical ideas for hosting a private party in a public restaurant: selecting the specific table the day before, providing personal table linens and floral centerpieces, and having a personal consultation with the chef. Even in the 20th century, these preparations were unreasonable unless you were engaging a private dining room*. Try that now and you’re more likely to hear “Ma’am, this is an Applebee’s.”
One of Mrs. Draper’s ideas that might work is to order the entire dinner in advance**. (You will need to take into account everyone’s allergies, just as you would at home.) This way everyone gets the same meal, just as they would in your dining room. But this custom is so antique it could come as a shock to your guests, and it might even be too highfalutin’ for the restaurant you’ve chosen. And people have ridiculous ideas about not getting the same meals as anyone else in a restaurant, which Etiquetteer thinks is just silly. Possibly you could arrange for the host to offer you a limited menu of three to five entrées in your price range? Possibly some of your favored restaurants could print a special menu in their offices for your dinner.
Barring that, you could also consider increasing your budget, entertaining your friends at less expensive meals like lunch or brunch, or focusing your hospitality on those friends who do, in fact, order from the middle of the menu. Etiquetteer wishes you Happy Times With Your Friends and bon appétit!
*Etiquetteer loves the French term for a private dining room, séparée, as in the aria “Im Chambre Séparée” from Der Opernball.
**According to Olivier, the legendary maître d’ of the Paris Ritz, “only three people in all his experience knew how to order a dinner properly . . . the Prince of Wales (later Edward VII) would write two weeks ahead to order a dinner for twelve. Prince Esterhazy of Hungary would bring his own gypsy band and ordered his dinner for fifty one month in advance. And Elsa Maxwell would rush in six hours before to order a dinner for two hundred.” — from R.S.V.P. Elsa Maxwell’s Own Story, by Elsa Maxwell. Possibly the only one of these three not concerned about the expense was Miss Maxwell.