Last week Etiquetteer finally got back in a dining room full of college students for an in-person etiquette dinner. The kinds of questions that got asked during the dinner reminded Etiquetteer that truly, there is a first time for everything, and that for many people in their early 20s, a sit-down meal with silverware remains a novelty, not a daily experience. Herewith, a few of the questions that came up during dinner.
First course: Butternut squash bisque.
Question: “What if you just really don’t like something?”
Etiquetteer responds: A meal is temporary. Try a couple bites. If you still find it impossible, just position your silver so the staff know you’re done, and focus on talking with your tablemates. You may always order in or fix up some ramen when you get home.
Question: “Where does the soup spoon go when you’re finished?”
Etiquetteer responds: On the soup plate, positioned on the diagonal at the upper right.
Question: “But won’t that get the soup plate dirty?”
Etiquetteer responds: That’s why there’s a dishwasher in the kitchen. The soup plate’s purpose is to keep the tablecloth from getting dirty. Let it do its job.
Second course: Roasted herbed Statler chicken breast, root vegetables and potatoes. (Vegan entrée: pan-seared tofu.)
Question: “I’m left-handed. Do I really have to hold the knife in my right hand?”
Etiquetteer responds: As a society we have rejected the old-fashioned prejudice against left-handedness. And no less an authority than Emily Post (in the new Centennial Edition of Etiquette) says that one uses one’s dominant hand for one’s knife. That said, your place setting doesn’t change; knives and spoons remain on the right, and forks on the left.
Question: “Is it OK to add sweetener to my iced tea?”
Etiquetteer (to himself): Oopsie! There are no iced tea spoons in the table service! We’ll have to make this up on the fly. But the omission is not unusual in New England. In the South, however . . .
Etiquetteer responds: Absolutely! Use your dessert spoon at the top of your place setting, and then place it, and the used packet of sweetener, on your bread plate. Remember, once you’ve used a piece of silver, it doesn’t go back on the tablecloth.
Question: “Is it acceptable to remove all the chicken skin at once, or do I have to do that piece by piece?
Etiquetteer responds: If you can do so without attracting attention, go ahead. The best table manners are what you don’t notice.
Question: “Stacking plates at the end of the course: cute or not cute?”
Etiquetteer responds: Not cute, but Etiquetteer appreciates your helpful impulse. At home that might be very thoughtful, but in a professional setting, the servers are there to make a congenial experience for you and your colleagues. They’re professionals; let them do their work well.
Third course: Vegan chocolate cake (garnished with half a strawberry and its leaves)
Question: “How do I call over the server?”
Etiquetteer responds: Well, it is no longer Perfectly Proper to call out “Oh, waiter!” as used to be allowed. Keep an eagle eye out for your server, and raise your hand and wave if necessary.
Question: “How do I take off these strawberry leaves?!”
Etiquetteer responds: The leaves are edible, so you don’t really have to remove them unless you just can’t stand the thought. But you may cut them off with the side of your fork if necessary.
Question: “I was taught that if you’re not having coffee after dinner that you should turn your coffee cup upside down. Is that still true?”
Etiquetteer responds: That custom is seen less now than it used to be. (For a moment Etiquetteer thought it might be a relic of the Harvey Girls “cup code,” but that isn’t the case.)