Dear Etiquetteer:
Over the years I have given a lot of potlucks or parties where people have brought things, but lately I am afraid I’m becoming too absent-minded to keep doing this. Twice lately I have discovered after the party something had been brought to be enjoyed that night and then not served. Not casseroles or anything prepared, thank goodness! But since it’s my house and I’m the host, I feel guilty for letting down my company. The first time it was a grocery bag of novelty breads and provisions, and I just couldn’t figure out how to serve it. The second time someone had brought a bag of candies.
I hate to think of it! Etiquetteer, what can I do?
Dear Potlucking:
“Taking pot luck” adds the element of chance to a party, and that’s OK. Part of the knack of hosting any party is being ready to respond to anything*. This is especially true for potlucks. It sounds like you’re getting thrown by the unexpected, and worried about the perception of holding back. There’s a way to figure this out.
First, and it can’t be said enough, whatever guests bring to a potluck needs to be fully prepared and ready to serve. Nothing more than reheating (or chilling, as in wine or ice cream) should need to happen. When that doesn’t happen, don’t be afraid to ask what they were planning. “Oh, how lovely! How are you going to serve this?” will then yield a) a Blank Stare, followed by b) requests for serving pieces or c) “Whatever you’d like.” Don’t let them get away with c). In your nicest Hostly Voice, direct them to put their offering on the buffet and let them figure it out.
That could bring you back to b), and you’ll be able to respond to that more calmly if you know what you have and where it is. A pre-party review of serving utensils and trays and bowls is not really a bad idea anyway. Is there a place where you could stash extra spatulas or trays where you could get to them easily? Consider having them out and ready just in case.
All this can feel tough if you feel rushed, but remember, a potluck is casual by definition. Draft guests to help out by answering the door or serving drinks, which will help you focus on the unexpected in the kitchen.
Finally, are you quite sure some of these Neglected Offerings weren’t hostess gifts? Did you miss hearing (or your guests miss saying) “This is for you to enjoy later”? If you continue to feel distressed about this, consider inviting these guests to something different, like a sit-down meal, and add “Please don’t bring anything — it’s all take care of” to the invitation.
Etiquetteer wishes you calm in the eye of your hospitable storm and continued delight in your company.
*Etiquetteer will never forget having to help bandage a guest who fell down the stairs, for instance.