“Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart.” — Henry Clay
With National Courtesy Month drawing to a close* Etiquetteer has been drawn to consider what might be called the Little Courtesies, the small acts of consideration and kindness that make daily life slightly less onerous — the Oil That Lubricates the Social Machine, if you will. It is always a pleasure to go back to Dear Grandmother’s Enormous Dictionary**, from which Etiquetteer pulled these definitions: “. . . graceful and considerate behavior toward others . . . an act of kindness or favor performed with politeness . . . an expression of respect . . . to treat with civility.” What could be more Perfectly Proper?
Chief among the Little Courtesies are the famous Magic Words “Please” and “Thank you,” to which Etiquetteer would add “Excuse me.” The first two acknowledge that someone is about to do you a favor that they may (or may not) be obligated to do, and that you appreciate it (or should). The last acknowledges that your own behavior has an impact on others that requires their accommodation (for instance, when you’re trying to pass them on the sidewalk).
Forms of address are also important because they show respect for the other person. One of the biggest but most subtle changes over the last 50-60 years has been how to address workers. It’s no longer Perfectly Proper to call out “Waiter!” or “Clerk!” or “Stewardess!”, or even just snap your fingers. Nowadays one says “Excuse me, please” or “Sir” or “Ma’am.” This is an improvement, because it acknowledges the humanity of the staff. There are exceptions. “Doctor and “Nurse” are still Perfectly Proper within medical settings, of course. “Conductor!” on a train is borderline. “Porter!” is obsolete now that we all have wheels on our luggage.
Etiquetteer was amused to see that automobile lights were once called “courtesy lights.” Now they’re an absolute necessity! And so is obedience of local traffic laws, a very big Little Courtesy. Have you considered the power you have over someone’s mood by simply allowing them to merge into your lane? Few things compromise our sense of Perfect Propriety more than the motorist or cyclist who runs a red light, for instance — or the pedestrian who just wanders into traffic secure in the knowledge that motorists have to stop because they aren’t allowed to kill them.
Recently Etiquetteer came within two feet of being hit in a crosswalk by a bicylist who was blithely unconcerned about pedestrians having the right of way***. Disconcerting as that was, the sizzling curse flung at him by another pedestrian was even more jarring. Nor was it helpful. But it illustrates another Little Courtesy: how we use our voices****. Profanity had more impressive power when it was more rarely employed (e.g. Rhett Butler’s famous “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”) Now it’s so common the only power it’s retained is to depress us with its ugliness.
Finally, how we remember others can make the greatest difference. You know Etiquetteer is going to mention the Lovely Note of Thanks, but remembering someone’s favorite dishes, anniversaries, and interests reinforces for them that they have made a positive impression, and that you value their presence in your own life. The well-turned compliment, the friendly message for no reason, the unexpected bouquet or inconsequential trinket — these little gestures reinforce and strengthen our relationships, and our sense of community.
Henry David Thoreau once said “A man can suffocate on courtesy.” But Etiquetteer considers him biased, since he rather ostentatiously wrote about preferring a hermit’s life at Walden Pond. Let’s give him his privacy and extend the Little Courtesies round about us. What could be more Perfectly Proper?
*Did you know this was happening? Did Etiquetteer? Have you been more courteous? Less?
**Merriam-Webster 1937, about six inches thick.
***He was most certainly aware that the stoplight was red.
****This will seem rich, since That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much could cut lead pipe his voice is so loud. Well . . . Etiquetteer keeps talking to him about that.