The holiday season begins once again in just a few days, bringing the full range of anticipation, from delights to fears. Let Etiquetteer help you through some of the latter, so that your Thanksgiving dinner can be as enjoyable and Perfectly Proper as possible. According to Etiquetteer’s Facebook readers, people are anxious about:
COVID: Alas, COVID remains with us, though masking has become a personal choice. Last week Etiquetteer was chatting with a Lady of New Orleans; her description of the situation there struck Etiquetteer as applying to the country overall: “Well, now you can walk down the street with a mask and not get laughed at, and walk down the street without one and not get attacked.” This may feel like Cold Comfort for those who are at greater risk.
Etiquetteer agrees with Jonathan Wolfe at The New York Times who wrote that it’s best to “plan around the highest-risk person. The calculations are going to be different for a family with older relatives than for a Friendsgiving of twentysomethings where no one is immunocompromised.” That may mean quarantining or increased masking starting a few days before (in other words, now), or declining an invitation. It’s also going to mean Candid, Honest Conversation with everyone on the guest list about showing consideration for those attending who have a greater COVID risk.
POLITICAL DISCUSSION: Abraham Lincoln, who fixed Thanksgiving only a couple weeks after Election Day, should really have thought that through a little more carefully. Politics and Religion have always been Subjects to Avoid, and that hasn’t changed in this century. Don’t you raise either topic, and if they come up, say “I would like it much better if we didn’t talk about that today, since it’s Thanksgiving,” and then deftly change the subject to something else. If a small clot of guests with Opinions Other Than Your Own gather in a corner to talk politics, that makes it easier to avoid them. But when that clot becomes Everyone But One Other Person, that is a problem. And that’s why we don’t talk politics at the Great Feasts, which are about coming together, not apart.
There may be someone present who is unable to take a hint. If someone persists, someone else — you or your hosts — will have to come right out and say “We aren’t going to talk about politics today, thank you.”* Dear Mother used to say “This is neither the time nor the place,” and she was usually right.
THE COOKING: One reader commented “My brother-in-law’s cooking. He likes to experiment with ‘flavor combinations’ like he’s the second-place contestant on Top Chef.” This can be challenging for a food-oriented holiday like Thanksgiving, when so many people approach the table expecting the same comfortable dishes they enjoy each year. That is probably why so many experimental cooks find Thanksgiving so tempting, because they have a captive audience. If he is only preparing one or two dishes, you may be able to avoid these skillfully, or just take a very small helping and push it about your plate. If he’s responsible for the entire meal, you may want to call a few days ahead (in other words, now) to find out about his plans, and offer to make something you enjoy that makes Thanksgiving special to you.
Etiquetteer wishes you a Truly Happy Thanksgiving free from anxiety of any kind — but please reach out if you need assistance in Perfect Propriety.
*You know Etiquetteer is thinking of Fay Bainter in Jezebel, delivering with stern hauteur the line “This subject is an unwelcome one.”