Today, January 30, Etiquetteer officially turns 21 year old. That little email newsletter is all grown up now! So let’s look at secular coming-of-age rituals for boys and girls as they become, we hope, Perfectly Proper ladies and gentlemen.
FOR BOYS
How did the 21st birthday becomes such a particular milestone for boys? It’s a relic of bygone days “when knighthood was in flower,” in fact. For boys with career goals in knighthood, their paths began at age 7 when they would begin service as pages. They then moved up to squires at 14, and finally became knights at 21. Boys and girls outside Chivalry generally came of age earlier, but that seems to have been based on actual maturity rather than age. Perhaps that’s why 21 became so memorable — it was a uniform, established age. Once technology evolved beyond swords and armor to include keys and locks, adulthood was officially marked with the presentation of a key to the front door.
In England, Etiquette Up-To-Date, a charming guide of 1925 by Constance Burleigh, advised that “Coming of age festivities usually include a dance and dinner, at which the health of the young heir is proposed, by some old or distinguished family friend, in a speech suitably voicing the hearty good wishes and friendship of all present, who then raise their glasses and drink to the toast.” The only other word Mrs. Burleigh has on this subject is that, if the function is held at a restaurant, that the tip will be more lavish than usual.
In America, the legal drinking age has traditionally been established at 21*, so there is usually a lot of jocular humor about Taking One’s First Drink. Sometimes this leads to ahem Excessive Behavior that might indicate that a young man is Not Actually Ready for Adulthood Yet.
FOR GIRLS
For a generation or two the Sweet Sixteen birthday party marked in a very feminine way a young girl’s appearance on the Threshold of Womanhood. Etiquetteer cannot be quite sure why the image of a corsage dotted with sugar cubes comes to mind, and yet somehow that image lingers. Etiquetteer had also imagined that a Sweet Sixteen was always a ladies luncheon for girls and their mothers (in Boston it was traditional for girls to go to lunch in the second-floor dining room of the True Ritz-Carlton**), but in fact a Sweet Sixteen could be any sort of birthday party for a sixteen-year-old girl. Several different types of parties are described in this 1978 New York Times article about the resurgence of the Sweet Sixteen after the counterculture years, from buffet dinners to disco dances. More information may be found on Wikipedia.
From the Sweet Sixteen it’s only a short step to the quinceañera, the more elaborate celebrations around a girl’s 15th birthday in Hispanic communities. And from there, we find ourselves irresistibly drawn to the American debutante at a ball in a white dress, once a young woman has reached the age of 18 (or sixteen, depending on local custom). Emily Post devoted an entire chapter to The Debutante in her first edition of Etiquette, with Perfectly Proper directions on bouquets, guest lists, and especially her dress. “Old-fashioned sentiment prefers that it be white, and of some diaphanous material such as net or gauze or lace . . . For a young girl to whom white is unbecoming, a color is perfectly suitable as long as it is a pale shade. She shoud not wear strong colors such as red, or Yale blue, and on no account black!” Edith Wharton fans will remember Mrs. Archer’s lament over the Countess Olenska: “But of course what can you expect from a girl who was allowed to wear black satin to her coming out ball?”***
First Lady Mamie Eisenhower (at right) with her nieces and their mother in the Green Room.
A dance was not a required way to “bring out” a debutante in Society. Often it could be a tea or afternoon reception at home at which the debutante and her mother would receive. In her waning days at the White House, Mamie Eisenhower “brought out” her nieces with their mother at a White House tea.
More importantly, Mrs. Post wrote about how important a debutante’s behavior was, now that she was a grownup with responsibilities as a hostess. She includes a delightful story about how ignoring ball guests in the receiving line can lead to people not inviting you to their homes, even when they invite all your friends. “Don’t think that because you have a pretty face, you need neither brains nor manners. Don’t think that you can be rude to anyone and escape being disliked for it.”
If you’ve already attained the great age of 21, Etiquetteer wishes you happy memories of that occasion. And if you’ve yet to reach it, Etiquetteer wishes you joy when you attain it — and of course Perfect Propriety.
* Local customs, and sometimes laws, have varied. Etiquetteer is not here to quibble about that.
**This would be the hotel at the corner of Arlington and Newbury opened in 1927 as the Ritz-Carlton and now known as the Newbury. But for Etiquetteer that hotel will always be the True Ritz-Carlton.
***The Age of Innocence, by Edith Wharton.