Dear Etiquetteer:
Two questions for you. I’m curious about the correct response to a dining companion, sitting next to one at a bar, who asserts the virus is a hoax and refuses to say whether they are vaxed.
Then, when the same person asserts that destruction at BLM protests was done by “those people,” is it reasonable and appropriate to insist that they explain who those people are?
Dear Dining:
Having a difficult conversation in public is one thing. Having a difficult conversation at a bar while eating dinner is another. And having a difficult conversation at a bar while eating dinner with a stranger* is something else altogether. Let’s unpack this one thing at a time.
Eitquette advisors used to warn readers not to have personal conversations in restaurants at all, lest they be overheard, misinterpreted, and then circulated. Indiscretion was always to be avoided**. At least when one is seated at a restaurant table one has one’s choice of companions and the illusion of privacy. That’s not possible when shoulder to shoulder at the bar, jostling elbows to wield knife and fork. Then at least a little sociability is expected; it won’t do at a bar to appear exclusive or standoffish***.
That still doesn’t make a bar a Perfectly Proper arena for debate on the Big Issues, especially if it’s active and noisy. Etiquetteer can hear Dear Mother now: “This is neither the time nor the place.” If this is someone you know personally, you can deflect by either suggesting you talk about it elsewhere (“I’m really not comfortable talking about this topic right here and right now”) or changing the subject completely. The latter is classic etiquette advice for just about any difficult topic in any setting.
With strangers — and it is easy to fall into conversation with strangers at a bar — it feels trickier. Whether the conversation continues or not, you are trapped next to each other until at least one of you finishes eating, pays, and leaves. You have no reason to believe this stranger might not become belligerent.
Depending on how engaged you want to be, you can just focus on your meal or change the subject (preferred), call out the stranger’s interest in the topic, e.g. “This seems to mean a lot to you” (risky — this falls under “Hold My Gold”), or declare yourself on the Opposing Team, e.g. “I disagree completely” (very risky — this totally falls under “B****, It’s ON!”). Etiquetteer takes no responsibility for either of the last two suggestions. Under no circumstances should you suggest that you might “take this outside,” a traditional invitation to fisticuffs.
Finally, it’s deeply uncomfortable to discover that a dinner companion isn’t treating the coronavirus seriously when you are. And that discomfort is magnified when dining unmasked in public. Etiquetteer said early in the pandemic that we were all going to have to get more comfortable with questions about our health, and this is an important example. When making plans to go out with people you know, be candid about your own vaccination status, and insist on knowing theirs. If they can’t or won’t share that information, suggest a remote gathering instead.
But once you’re in it, you’re in it. If you become so uncomfortable that you believe your health is at risk, Etiquetteer will support you if you mask up at once and leave; pay your check at the front desk if necessary. (You may need to explain things, as quietly as possible, to the bartender — preferably at the other end of the bar.) With friends or family members, it’s clear that this will need to be discussed later. There’s no need to say anything but “Excuse me,” if that, to a stranger.
The coronavirus is never not going to be controversial. Etiquetteer wishes you prudent and forthright dinner companions in well-ventilated spaces as the pandemic continues.
*”Dining companion” does, of course, imply that you know each other, but at a bar it’s almost unavoidable to sit next to a total stranger, too.
**Now we have social media, heaven help us.
***Etiquetteer draws the line, however, at extensive commentary on one’s meal. It’s very offputting to have someone talk about everything you’re about to put in your mouth.