Dear Etiquetteer:
How much should a guest be asked to participate in preparing a host's place for a party, and how much should be asked of a guest when the evening is over? And then after that, as a guest, if I know that my host could use help to put a house back in order, should I offer to help (either at the end of the evening or the next day)?
Here's what happened. I attended a dinner party where, at the end of the evening, the host asked the guests to move his furniture back into its usual setup. It was not a small party, and quite a few tables and chairs were a part of the dinner setup. Other pieces of furniture also had to be moved. Some people asked me if this request might have been helping someone who needed assistance. But no, the host participates in various outdoor and athletic activities, and could have managed on his own. After all, the furniture was already in place for the dinner party when the guests arrived.
When I host, I'm not sure this would be something I could ask of my guests. I have co-hosted and have been a guest at parties where guests were invited to participate in some light preparation of the meal . . . with beverages and hors d'oeuvres, for instance. But I don't think I could ask my guests to move furniture at the end of a party when I would be able to do it myself. When I set my house to be a place for a party, I would like the guests to leave with the memory of how the house was set for a party.
Dear Moved:
It's so frustrating, in matters of manners, to have to respond "It depends," but your situation falls into this Gray Area. It depends! It especially depends on how formal this dinner was*. If it was at all dressy -- suits and ties, for instances -- Etiquetteer can't call enlisting the company as stevedores Perfectly Proper. After a party, the warm glow suffusing your guests should be good feelings, not vigorous exertions.
If this is a total dress-down affair, like a barbecue or a good old-fashioned clambake or some other brawl, and you're all the closest of friends who'd sacrifice anything for each other, then no, it's not out of place to help out when asked.
All that said, Etiquetteer does have some compassion for your generous host. The energy of setting up for a party is very different from breaking it down. “Quite a few tables and chairs,” plus the usual furniture, sounds daunting to face at midnight after having put the whole thing together alone and then presided over a Grand Evening. If you offered to help that night, Etiquetteer is sure the host appreciated it; it’s not out of place. As for the next day . . . well, everyone’s habits are different, but you’d find Etiquetteer in bed until noon, in no condition to handle moving furniture**.
But as a general rule, Etiquetteer would rather not put the company to work, unless they ask. And even then, the best assignment is sometimes "Please be sure everyone's having a good time while I finish up in the kitchen."
*Personal note: Everyone thinks being an event planner is glamorous — china, crystal, linens, flowers! Oh no. It’s parking, restrooms, and moving furniture in your best clothes after midnight.
**Some years ago Etiquetteer hosted a birthday party for a friend and was surprised the next morning when the friend appeared bedside with a beautiful arrangement of flowers. Thankfully some kind soul brought in coffee shortly thereafter.