Dear Etiquetteer:
I'm thrilled to attend the wedding of two dear friends. I have know them for over a decade and they are wonderful people. If the wedding was in person, I am fairly certain that I would know how to respectfully celebrate this union. (That is, my days of emptying the open bar and being dragged off the dance floor are over.) However, the idea of a virtual wedding is perplexing. My partner and I will take this opportunity to dress up, but are there other things that we should be ready for?
There are some basics of the "netiquette" that we will be sure to follow: no checking email, all the other browser windows closed, no distractions, be present, etc. However, I would prefer to not treat this like another Zoom meeting.
I thank you in advance for any advice and insight you might provide.
Dear Wedding Guest:
For some, treating a Zoom wedding differently from “another Zoom meeting” will mean being fully dressed from neck to feet. At this point in the pandemic, Etiquetteer thinks people are a little weary of Mullet Wear, “business on top, party on the bottom.” Please dress fully, including shoes; if the wedding invitation includes a dress code, honor it.
Etiquetteer is delighted to know that your household is dressing up for the wedding. Recently Etiquetteer heard from a friend who attended a family wedding via Zoom; he expressed surprise that so many attendees (both family and friends) used the occasion to dress up in their best, an unexpected delight that contributed to the joy of the occasion. But some of the old rules still apply, particularly Don’t Upstage the Bride. If everyone’s looking at your Miss Universe tiara and not the Happy Couple, it won’t soon be forgotten.
All your netiquette instincts mirror Wedding Perfect Propriety at an in-person wedding: pay attention, focus on the service, don’t be distracted, and don’t be a distraction. Technical difficulties are magnified by the importance of the occasion — everyone obviously wants a wedding to go smoothly — so Etiquetteer always advises logging in at least a couple minutes early. If you’re uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the technology, get help before the wedding day from someone you trust so that you can approach your device with confidence. And when tech issues do surface (yours or someone else’s) be patient.
Where online weddings fail to replicate the Total Wedding Experience is the ability to chat intimately with other wedding guests. In-person weddings are so often full of shrieks of greeting from long-lost friends or relations, spied at a distance across the church. Who knows who you could see in that Zoom mosaic?! Your favorite auntie, disappeared fraternity brothers, colleagues from a previous job, cousins who live across the country. Verbal calls of “Hey there!” “Yoohoo!” and “Darling!” aren’t Perfectly Proper in church, and on Zoom they compel the attention of 100% of attendees. Use the chat feature to say hello privately; that means using the dropdown menu to change it from “Everyone.” If chat is disabled, make a mental note to reach out to these folks after the wedding to suggest your own tech rendezvous.
You’ll find even more Perfect Propriety for Zoom weddings at The New York Times here. Etiquetteer wishes your friends a Joyous Zoom Wedding and Long and Happy Life together ever after.
Last week, Beth Teitell published an interesting piece in The Boston Globe about wedding planning during the pandemic, mostly focusing on how to handle a wedding with a perpetually changing date. What disturbed Etiquetteer most was the story of Emily McCleary and her fiancée. It’s distressing enough to have to cancel a large and longed-for wedding, and Etiquetteer has Complete Compassion for them. But, “McCleary and her fiancée actually already got legally married — in a tiny ceremony that did not satisfy relatives who Zoomed in. Now she’s being — let’s say — nudged to host a proper wedding this summer.” These disappointed relatives are disappointing Etiquetteer. Of course an in-person wedding is what we’re all used to, but their expectations rank a distant second under the circumstances. Their own offers to host a party in honor of the Happy Couple (if any) went unrecorded in the article, but really . . . if what you’re missing is a party, then you hold the party, and you pay for the party.
We are at war (against the pandemic) and wartime weddings are of necessity smaller and simpler. In World War II The Little Church Around the Corner in New York hosted thousands of wartime weddings, but couples had to line up around the block to wait their turns for a service that took 15 minutes tops. And because of rationing, they often went without Traditional Bridal Finery, too. Etiquetteer applauds the couples who are bravely pursuing their paths to Wedded Bliss at this challenging time in our history. It’s our duty, as friends and family, to put our Best Faces Forward, conceal any disappointment, and focus only on the Long Life and Happiness of the Happy Couple. That’s how we win the war!