Etiquetteer finally knuckled down last week to the delightful but involved holiday ritual of writing Christmas cards. Naturally a few things came up that may assist you in future years.
First off, my goodness people, put your return address on the envelope. This is especially important if your signature inside is illegible. Etiquetteer received at least two Lovely Cards signed with a Charming But Indecipherable Scrawl, and no return address for a clue. Who are they?! The other reason it’s important is when your address has changed and everyone doesn’t know it. More than one card arrived from an address different from the one in Etiquetteer’s spreadsheet . . .
One card, humorously addressed to “Etiquetteer, Esq.” got Etiquetteer to thinking about the Perfectly Proper usage of that Elegant Suffix. And when delivered with Humor, Esq. is Absolutely Delightful. The team at the Emily Post Institute always put us on the Perfectly Proper Path, this time with the reminder that the Esq. suffix should only be used for Actual Lawyers when you are corresponding with them in their legal capacity. But social correspondence only requires the person’s Preferred Prefix. So Mr. Legal Eagle, Esq. is incorrect.
Speaking of prefixes, so few people seem to remember them now, either for themselves or their addressees. It’s already tragic enough that the salutation “Dear [Insert Name Here]” seems to be on its last legs. Must we also lose our honorifics? These ornaments of language certainly have a place in our communications; please, let’s not neglect them.
Finally — and this is more for the stationers than anyone else — yes, red and green are Christmas colors, but dark envelopes are so difficult to read, especially for our long-suffering letter carriers. White or cream would be better. (Etiquetteer is going to have to check on That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who might actually be using red envelopes this year. Oops.)
Etiquetteer wishes Joy and Patience to those of you who, like Etiquetteer, are still laboring to send out cards.
The meme that inspired a query.
Dear Etiquetteer:
In this Christian environment, how does one go about writing a perfectly proper invite for Saturnalia?
Dear Saturnalian Prompted By a Meme:
Because almost everyone is unaware of what exactly goes into this ancient Roman celebration of the god Saturn, you will want to be specific about what you’re planning, and how you expect your guests to participate. A good old-fashioned Roman Saturnalia took place over several days in mid-December* and involved feasting (both public and private), role reversal (both cross-dressing and, more important, of slaves and masters), the giving of gifts of nominal value** or gag gifts, and electing a King of the Saturnalia, whose “capricious” commands would have to be obeyed. Two of the examples given on Wikipedia include “Sing naked!” and “Throw him in cold water!” Unfortunately this calls to mind Vincent Price in The Masque of the Red Death, and absolutely none of it could be described as Perfectly Proper — which was probably the point.
Write up your invitation with the usual who, what, when, where, driving directions, and parking, and then reread it. Scan your proposed guest list and cross out anyone you think might be even the least bit offended. An invitation might look something like this:
IO SATURNALIA!
[Host(s)] beckon you to a
Feast of Saturnalia on [date] at [location] from [start time] to [end time].
We all reverse roles during Saturnalia, so expect both to serve and be served at dinner. We’ll draw lots to elect a King*** of Saturnalia, who must be obeyed — no matter what!
Dress: Your own interpretation of cenatoria, ancient Roman dinner clothes — colorful and easy to drop.
Please bring: Candles to give and receive, and a permissive spirit.
R.s.v.p. to [address] by [deadline].
If you receive a lot of responses with “unable to accept,” you’ll know who not to invite to subsequent Revelry of This Sort. But really, this invitation is probably the closest you’ll ever get Saturnalia to Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer doesn’t really think they’re supposed to meet.
*Ending right about now, so file this column to take out next November when you start planning.
**Sigillaria, gifts made of wax, often candles.
***The ancient Romans elected a King of Saturnalia. Etiquetteer suggests you elect a King, Queen, or Ruler of Saturnalia, depending on whose name ends up being drawn.