Etiquetteer’s survey of post-pandemic Perfect Propriety (which is still open) has yielded some interesting queries.
FUNERALS AND GRIEVING
Dear Etiquetteer:
I work at a church. Our doors are locked to everyone -- even during a funeral. Funerals are now to be only attended by immediate family and friends, up to ten people. Funeral homes and churches are not to publish the date or time of the service. How can we best let our communities know that they will not have access to indoor plumbing while they are on church property?
Dear Directing:
By communicating as directly as you’ve just done in this query. Put a sign on each entrance that reads “We regret deeply that restrooms must be closed to everyone attending services.” As you and others are working with family members of the deceased, be sure to communicate this to them in advance, along with your regret. With restrooms unavailable, please do make an effort to have hand sanitizer available to all. The urge to wash one’s hands during this crisis is almost as great as other Bodily Urges.
Etiquetteer salutes you, and workers in houses of worship everywhere, for continuing to minister to your congregations during this crisis.
Dear Etiquetteer:
How can we grieve or pay our respects in a time of no calling hours/wake/funeral.
Dear Grieving:
When someone we know dies, it is natural to want to come together as a family, as a network of friends, as a community of faith, to honor the memory of the deceased and to grieve together. While not wishing grief and pain on others, there is comfort in knowing that others share one’s feelings. The ancient and comfortable funeral customs that brings groups together are now dangerous and must be curtailed (more on that later).
But what has not been stopped and is not a danger to anyone’s health is another old custom, the letter of condolence. People are often afraid to write a letter because they’re afraid they won’t know what to say, and that what they do think of to say isn’t original enough. Don’t be afraid; Etiquetteer is here to help! Etiquetteer has written extensively about condolence correspondence (here’s a good column from Volume 16, and here’s something from Volume 14) and can testify to the value of having those letters to reread later. Letter writing may bring closure to you, as a mourner, and it is very helpful to the recipient(s).
Videoconferencing is taking the place of everything now, too, so you might end up getting invited to a Zoom funeral or memorial service. (Be sure your device is muted!) You might also create a Zoom call for your own circle of mutual acquaintances to share memories of the deceased.
OTHER PEOPLE
Dear Etiquetteer:
How can we deal with people who challenge those of us who are rigorously following health guidelines? How do we deal with the herd mentality about surrendering all personal freedom?
Dear Dealing:
Two very important questions. First, your health and safety are important and have value. If there are people around you criticizing or mocking your efforts to stay safe - for instance, wearing a mask or actively keeping six feet between you and everyone else - don’t apologize, and don’t interact. That’s easier with strangers at the supermarket, where you can shop on another aisle, than it is with someone you live with.
But say someone you live with is disrespecting your choices. We have been told to act as though we were contagious and want to avoid infecting anyone else. Remind them of this, and that this is an expression of your love and concern for them. And what does their mockery of you and your concern say about them as people? Their behavior is the problem, not yours. Let them know that.
It’s more challenging to talk about the herd mentality, but Etiquetteer is deeply frustrated with American communities citing Religious Liberty as an excuse to endanger health and safety by continuing to hold church services and large funerals. Everyone knows Etiquetteer’s love of precedent. The precedent here is the 1918 pandemic example set by St. Louis and Philadelphia. Long story short, Philadelphia refused to cancel a big parade while St. Louis shut down all public gatherings - all. Philadelphia’s death rate was something like double that of St. Louis’s. And this article details times at which the Catholic Church closed due to plague. What more evidence is needed? Staying home is Perfectly Proper. Encouraging disobedience, especially disguised as Freedom of Religion . . . Etiquetteer has no words.
But Etiquetteer has another precedent. Few seem to remember the 1979 outbreak of polio among the Pennsylvania Amish community*, but Etiquetteer never forgot the phrase “We don’t wish to harm our English** neighbors.” And an internet search reveals the full quote from an Amish leader: “We will take the vaccine. We don’t wish to harm our English neighbors.” For a religious community distinguished by its isolation from modern life, what an act of generosity is this, to go against community custom to take a vaccine to prevent harm to others outside that community.
Contrast this attitude with that of the Ohio woman who steadfastly refused to alter her behavior because “I’m covered in Jesus’ blood.” Well, she might be, but she can’t assume that everyone with whom she comes into contact with. Etiquetteer agrees with Ohio governor Mike DeWine (quoted in the same article): "Any pastor who who brings people together, in close proximity to each other, a large group of people, is making a huge mistake. It’s not a Christian thing to do.”
Etiquetteer exhorts you all to stay home, and to encourage others to do so as well.
*By the way, Etiquetteer is not a student of this particular outbreak, and is not assuming that everyone in the Amish community took the vaccine.
**The Amish community uses the term English for everyone outside the the Amish community.