The Boston Athenaeum has mounted a remarkable exhibition called Required Reading, a “reimagining” of the King’s Chapel Library given to King’s by William and Mary in the 1690s. Conceived and collected by one English divine, Thomas Gray, it represents his personal vision of what every church should have and represent. For this “reimagining,” the Athenaeum has invited individuals and cultural organizations to supply their own Required Reading to be displayed in a replica of the collection’s elaborate cabinet. Inspired by this exhibition, Etiquetteer hereby submits a list of books for Required Reading in Perfect Propriety.
Some of these titles might surprise, but most will not. We learn about manners from more books than those just written about manners. Lessons show up in everything we read . . . and let’s face it, most of us don’t read the great big etiquette books cover to cover. We peck at them like chickens at grain, looking for the kernels of knowledge we need at that moment. But some of them are so very engaging that they are required reading, every page! Let’s begin:
THE GREAT BIG ETIQUETTE BOOKS
Etiquette, by Emily Post. Unquestionably the first book on any etiquette reading list. While subsequent editions by her descendants are also valuable, Etiquetteer is especially fond of Mrs. Post’s own editions. The graciousness of her language softens the incisiveness of some of her perceptions in the most pleasing way, and her ability to tell stories to show how good manners make a difference makes it even more delightful. Etiquetteer was weaned on the 1950 edition, but the original 1922 edition is worthy of interest because of how Mrs. Post handles controversial topics like Prohibition and divorce.
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, by Judith Martin. In Etiquetteer’s view, the greatest of Judith Martin’s many incisive, witty, and wise books about manners. Her fearlessness in crossing swords with her Gentle Readers has justly won her fans and fame.
Eleanor Roosevelt’s Book of Common Sense Etiquette, by Eleanor Roosevelt (obviously). “The basis of all good human behavior is kindness” as well as the basis of this comprehensive and wise book. A portion of her legacy obscured by her many other achievements, Mrs. Roosevelt treats the concerns of all with sensitivity in ways other books of the period would have trembled to acknowledge. Leaf through this and at any point, whether it’s proper attire for an office, a debutante dance, or how to answer the telephone, Eleanor’s advice is as fresh and true as any 21st-century advisor’s. Unique to books of the period, Eleanor includes subsections on both teen-agers and the handicapped (to whom we now refer as the disabled or the differently abled).
FICTION
Auntie Mame, by Patrick Dennis, taught one dear friend of Etiquetteer’s that religious discrimination was wrong. Her slaying of the Upsons remains a towering example of how to keep one’s cool as a guest in someone’s home, but also stand up for one’s principles until it just isn’t possible to remain a guest. Besides that, Mame Dennis understood the value of words. “An extensive vocabulary is the hallmark of every truly intellectual person” should be a guide to everyone. Plus, it’s worth knowing that different groups of friends should be entertained differently. Impressing your nephew’s future in-laws is not the same as entertaining “a distinguished Lithuanian rabbi and two chorus girls from the cast of Blackbirds.”
The Age of Innocence and The House of Mirth, by Edith Wharton. Wharton’s chronicles of the slow decline and fall of Old New York society beautifully illustrate how manners change over time - sometimes, but not always, for the better.
NON-FICTION
Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teen-Agers (1961) - a slim, easily digested volume with foreword by Walter Hoving - covers basic table manners with both efficiency and charm for diners of all ages. But Etiquetteer will admit to disagreeing on a couple items with the redoubtable Mr. Hoving. One almost never sees people eating asparagus with their fingers any longer, for instance. Mr. Hoving may consider handles for corn-on-the-cob “artificial and precious,” but Etiquetteer considers them a necessity for households in which finger bowls aren’t part of the dinner service. And most especially, it is no longer thought Perfectly Proper to remove gristle or anything else you can’t swallow by maneuvering it onto your fork. It takes so long to do that it becomes dinner theatre! Just use your fingers and put the offending bit on the edge of your plate.
Dinner in Camelot, by Joseph Esposito. Once you’ve mastered how to eat dinner properly, Mr. Esposito’s account of the famous 1962 Kennedy dinner for Nobel laureates will inspire you to give your own dinner party (on a much much smaller scale, of course). It’s all here, from menus and logistics to the more challenging problem of how to interact with a houseguest who’s been picketing your house all day.
The Art of Worldly Wisdom, by Baltasar Gracián, is a collection of aphorisms ready to guide our behavior with engaging subtlety.
Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck, by Amy Alkon. Etiquetteer has written of this valuable volume before. Ms. Alkon writes from the little-traversed intersection of Etiquette and Science, and her observations and research will guide you to see things helpfully from a different vantage point.
The Guest List: How Manhattan Defined American Sophistication---from the Algonquin Round Table to Truman Capote's Ball, by Ethan Mordden, and Stork Club: America’s Most Famous Nightspot and the Lost World of Café Society, by Ralph Blumenthal. Interesting epilogues to Edith Wharton’s novels (see above), these authors trace how America redefined what made up aristrocracy (hint: not bloodlines) and how café society further changed perceptions about what it meant to be “upper class” and how that class behaved in public.
The House in Good Taste, by Elise de Wolfe, the creator of interior design as a profession. Ms. de Wolfe famously believed in “optimism and white paint” and if her aesthetic focuses too intently on toiles, chintzes, and French furniture of the Usual Louis Periods, well . . . there are many worse places where she could have focused.
On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century, by Timothy Snyder, may seem like a radical choice for a book list about etiquette. But let’s face it, manners are used to preserve Good Social Order, and Tyranny is Just Not That Sort of Social Order. Perfect Propriety also means Vigilance.
Etiquetteer feels sure that you, too, have your favorite books about manners. Please do share, either by email to Etiquetteer for a future column, or on Facebook or Twitter.