Military vs. Academic Honorifics, Vol. 15, Issue 34

Dear Etiquetteer:

I'm working on some thank-you correspondence following an event, and have run into a new situation I don't know how to deal with correctly. One of the guests is an Army officer, but he also has a Ph.D. Do I use one and not the other, or do I combine them like "Col. Dr." or something? Please advise.

Dear Corresponding:

Robert Hickey, author of Honor & Respect: The Official Guide to Names, Titles, & Forms of Address, makes it pretty clear: only military titles and honorifics are used. They aren't combined with academic or other honorifics, like "Professor," or post-nominal abbreviations like "Ph.D." To Etiquetteer's surprise, this also includes religious honorifics.

Graduation Gifts, Vol. 15, Issue 33

Dear Etiquetteer:

My brother is co-hosting a high school graduation party early next month for my niece with a family on the same street that they have known for 15 years or so. The other family's boy is also graduating from the same high school. It seems that my niece and this other young man have been in a casual dating relationship for some time, although both are headed to colleges in different cities in September. I have only met the young man once (he seems very nice), but have never engaged him in a real conversation. As the party is co-hosted (in a function hall), I'm wondering whether I should bring a gift for my niece's boyfriend?

Others in the family are wondering the same thing, so thank you for your insight!

Dear Gifting:

While by no means required, Etiquetteer would consider it a Gesture of Goodwill, not only toward your niece's graduating boyfriend, but also your brother's family, to bestow a small gift on this Young Gentleman who appears to Mean Something to your niece. Well, at least he seems not to be at the stage where he Has Meant Something . . . but clearly these families are linked by 15 years of neighborliness. Your thoughtfulness will impress both him and his parents, and those good feelings will redound both on you, and your brother's family.

Some Useful Gift for College Life couldn't come amiss, but of course Etiquetteer is fond of stationery. Please, at least, think of something more original than a gift card.

Reader Response to Straw Hat Day, Vol. 15, Issue 32

Dear Etiquetteer:

A friend kindly sent me your column. As a straw hat wearer for 60 years, I must take issue with your pronouncement. Straw hats and seersucker suits are worn EITHER between Memorial Day and Labor Day OR between Shavuot and Rosh Hashanna. This has been my practice all
these decades, and I recommend it to all those who take pride in tradition and propriety.

Dear Reader:

You seem to be under the impression that Etiquetteer arbitrarily declared May 15 as Straw Hat Day - not so! In fact, it's declared by an entity other than Etiquetteer here.

Etiquetteer once thought that straw hats came out with white shoes on Memorial Day, nor even heard of Straw Hat Day until last year. Read how Etiquetteer uncovered the history of Straw Hat Day after happening upon a reference to it in Erik Larsen's Dead Wake. It's an interesting story.

Straw Hat Day, Vol. 15, Issue 31

Today is Straw Hat Day, the official day in 2016 for the gentlemen to retire their felt hats for the season and step out lively with their panamas or “skimmers,” the popular nickname for boater hats made famous in the 1890s and sustained today mostly by barber shop quartets. Nothing against barber shop quartets, but the skimmer needs to get out more.

To inspire you, here's a formal portrait of Etiquetteer, complete with skimmer, courtesy of JW Lenswerk.

Salt and Pepper Shakers, Vol. 15, Issue 30

Dear Etiquetteer:

Please help resolve a dispute I have with my partner. Which has more holes, the salt or pepper shaker? It becomes an issue because at her home it is one way and opposite at mine, so when family dines at the other's home, no one gets it "right." I have started putting out a pepper mill and salt grinder instead, but truly love my silver shakers for nicer meals.

Dear Seasoned:

To Etiquetteer's surprise, there isn't agreement on this subject - nor is this helped by the quantity of salt and pepper shakers on the market with a wide variety of holes on both shakers - but Etiquetteer has always put salt in the shaker with one hole and pepper in that with three. Your solution for informal meals to use the salt grinder and pepper mill is most appropriate - especially as coarsely-ground salt and pepper play havoc shakers, no matter how many holes.

If this continues to become an issue with your partner, you might fill the shakers at your end of the table as you prefer and at her end as she prefers - but this could confuse any guests you have with you. You could also forego salt altogether, not that Etiquetteer has spoken to your doctor or anything . . . probably the simplest solution is to buy glass shakers so you can see what you’re shaking. You could also start each meal with a brief reminder announcement about which is which. While there shouldn’t be any embarrassment about shaking a bit into your palm first to see what you’re shaking, some diners get confused about what to do with unwanted seasoning left in their hands. But it’s really quite simple to brush it into your napkin.

Formal dinners certainly call for the best table appointments one has. If this remains a dispute, you may wish to trade in your silver shakers for Perfectly Proper silver salt cellars and salt spoons.

Proper Dress for Graduates, Vol. 15, Issue 29

The season of Recognition of Educational Achievement is upon us, with high school musical ensembles across the nation rehearsing Pomp and Circumstance and the National Anthem, and Elaborate Concern about when to flip one's ring or tassel. While these affairs have become more Festivals of Applause than solemnities - somewhat to Etiquetteer's chagrin (but to harp on the point would mark Etiquetteer a killjoy, which is tedious) - their importance as a Rite of Passage has not been dimmed.

Etiquetteer does wish more graduates (and faculty, for that matter) would consider more carefully their complete appearance with cap and gown. Especially, Etiquetteer would like to advise young ladies to consider their shoes more carefully. Appearing in a lengthy academic procession in high heels of four or more inches, in which your body and face look like bamboo shoots are being driven into your toes with every step - well, people are not focused on you but on your shoes. Indeed, it may lead people to question just how well you've been educated. You deserve not to be upstaged by your own shoes! There is no shame in kitten heels. But if you must wear Heels That High, practice walking in them a lot to keep yourself from falling over or looking like you might. Look at this poor girl:

Etiquetteer also looks suspiciously on young gentlemen who are quite obviously not wearing a shirt and tie under their academic gowns. A T-shirt on an occasion of this importance does not show you at your best advantage, nor do jeans or ragged corduroys with athletic shoes poking out at the bottom. A graduation is an Occasion and it, and you, deserve to be treated with respect. Dress up!

So often, especially at college graduations, one sees elaborate decorations on mortarboards. Etiquetteer knows better than to condemn this - it's not just established, it's a beloved tradition - but it would be lovely for these not to be so elaborate that they block the view of those sitting behind them.

And with all that said, Class of 2016, get busy and change the world - in a good way.

World Naked Gardening Day, Vol. 15, Issue 28

World Naked Gardening Day will shortly be upon us - it takes place on the first Saturday of May each year. This holiday is relatively new and perhaps controversial, and it occurs to Etiquetteer that it might be helpful to set down some rules right now to keep things running with Perfect Propriety.

Do you plan to garden in the nude on World Naked Gardening Day? First of all, you’d better check out local laws what’s often termed “indecent exposure.”* Etiquetteer is not going to be responsible for anyone getting a ticket or hauled off to the clink because they neglected to do their own research.

Some things gardeners should always wear when they’re gardening, including on World Naked Gardening Day: insect repellent, sunblock, a hat, proper shoes, and gardening gloves. While a lady doesn’t remove her gloves before shaking hands as a rule, remember that she always removes gardening gloves before shaking hands. Do you have bad knees? Of course your knee pads are permitted, but you might also look for one of those knee support thingies like Faye Dunaway was using in “The Handmaid’s Tale.”

Consideration of others is, of course, the bedrock of Perfect Propriety. In this case, it’s your neighbors. If you think they’d be agreeable to the holiday, invite them to celebrate with you - but be prepared for them to decline. To avoid annoying neighbors - and perhaps to avoid neighbors and passersby annoying you - take the time to consider privacy screens in places where your garden might be most overlooked. You may also wish to garden in pairs or groups for the same reason.

Aside from unwanted attention from fellow citizens, another risk of gardening naked is unwanted attention from insects and other creatures one finds in the garden, not to mention thorns and stickers. Checking for ticks afterward will be very important. Get someone to help you, and for heaven’s sake, do it inside. No need to run the risk of a tick check being misinterpreted as a Lewd Exhibition.

Now, what should you do if you happen upon World Naked Gardening Day celebrants industriously gardening away under your very eyes? Well, don’t make a scene! Avert your eyes and continue about your business. Especially don’t just stand there gawking. And if you’re a gentleman of a certain age, you risk becoming much less of a gentleman if you just linger there staring or, even worse, trying to engage nubile young gardeners in conversation. A voyeur is a naughty naughty thing to be. Stop it at once!

If you really think this is going to be a significant risk, Etiquetteer recommends staying at home with the drapes drawn tight shut. And don’t you even peek out once!

*Remember Richard Dreyfuss in The Goodbye Girl: “I am decent. I also happen to be naked."

Perfect Propriety in Summer, Vol. 15, Issue 27

Once upon a summer day Etiquetteer observed (discreetly -  it's not polite to stare) a family of four on the subway during the morning rush hour. The father wore a khaki-colored twill suit with a shirt and necktie; the mother, a two-piece navy suit with simple silk blouse, unobtrusive hose, and appropriate flat shoes (read: not athletic shoes). Their little girl, who must have been four or five, had on a clean and simple playdress. Etiquetteer can't really remember what their infant wore in his or her stroller, alas. And the thought suddenly came to Etiquetteer that, only a generation ago, that young family wouldn't have raised an eyebrow. Now, they're considered "all dressed up."

Don't fret! Etiquetteer is not about to make everyone climb back into layers and layers of clothing during the long hot summer. (Though it is interesting to observe how many people, especially ladies, carry sweaters with them in summer because of the arctic air-conditioning of so many public buildings.) Etiquetteer always remembers the words of Ellen Maury Slayden, who wrote in her diary August 3, 1914: "Last Friday the mercury went to 106 degrees ... When I was married [in 1883], returning to Texas early in September, I wore a suit of golden brown camel's hair buttoned up to my chin and finished with a stiff linen collar. I wonder I didn't go mad and run amuck."*

Etiquetteer certainly doesn't want anyone going mad and running amuck, but Etiquetteer does wish more people would consider how they present themselves with today's layers. How much skin is too much? When does "casual" turn into "sloppy?" The question of how much exposure is too much is a legitimate question, one that American tourists abroad have to take into account when visiting churches. During the summer, especially, there's such a temptation to fling on a T-shirt and pair of shorts with a pair of flip flops without caring what impression it makes. The impression it makes in churches overseas is one of Flagrant Disrespect, and tourists will be prohibited if they expose too much of their persons.

Etiquetteer observed this admonition against Sartorial Brevity at the Church of the Gesuiti in Venice in 2013.

That said, Etiquetteer is at least glad that the trend for men is finally away from the Dreadful Knee-Eclipsing Cargo Shorts and more toward Crisp Tailored Shorts with a four- or six-inch hem. This has much less to do with showing more leg than it does with the fact that no matter how one took care of cargo shorts, they never looked pressed.

Ladies with long hair, too, are so tempted with the quick convenience of a scrunchie, not realizing or caring that the backs of their heads may look like cow patties garnished with straw.

So, what are Etiquetteer's guidelines for Perfect Propriety in Summer?

• Prepare for perspiration. Aside from your usual toiletries, talcum powder makes this more endurable, and preserves the appearance of you and your clothes for longer in the day.
• Your summer clothes should show no rips or tears, spots or stains. Favorite clothes that have decayed to rags Etiquetteer will permit only at the beach.** And clothes that have been fashionably cut into rags, such as T-shirts sliced into fringe and beaded, are never Perfectly Proper.
• For the most part, your body and your undergarments (if any; don't call attention to their presence or absence) should not be visible between neckline and hemline. There's a greater risk for what is vulgarly termed "plumber's crack" during the summer; guard against this! You don't want to hear someone break into Blue Moon behind your back. The shirt you choose, whether T-shirt, polo, or buttondown, should be able to tuck securely into your trousers - whether you tuck it or not. (You should tuck it.) Ladies have a bit more leeway with halter tops and such like, of course, but bikini tops are a big no-no in the city.
• Etiquetteer doesn't find tank tops or cami tops Perfectly Proper for town and city wear. Certainly they make an impression, but is it the one you want to make? Take a long honest look in the mirror.
• If there are belt loops, wear a belt.
• Linen remains a favored summer fabric. Yes, it wrinkles like the very Devil, but keep ironing. Nothing makes such a beautiful impression as a crisp white linen ensemble.

While the Official Start of the Summer Season on Memorial Day is not yet here, it never hurts to Start Preparing Early. Etiquetteer hopes that you'll enjoy contemplating the Joys of Summer - and what to wear to enjoy them - in the intervening weeks.

*From Washington Wife, Journal of Ellen Maury Slayden from 1897 - 1919.

**Indeed, Etiquetteer's very favorite old panama sustained a gash down the front of the crown, so it's only fit for the beach. But it feels like an old friend coming to visit when Etiquetteer puts it on.

National Card and Letter Writing Month, Vol. 15, Issue 26

April has been designated as National Card and Letter Writing Month, which Etiquetteer is very pleased to celebrate.

Once upon a time, of course, there was no need to designate a month to celebrate handwritten correspondence, because there was no other way to correspond. From the beginning, though, correspondents have always wished for a way to speed up communications. Necessity being the the Mother of Invention, we now have the Internet and text messaging to share instantly thoughts, actions, and opinions - not only with individuals, but with the world. It's marvelous, valuable, helpful - and increasingly thoughtless and skilless, and certainly not as elegant as a liveried footman. Just look how our spelling has deteriorated. Look at the decline in fine motor skills since cursive writing stopped being taught in schools!

For the sake of convenience, too many people are ready to leave behind anything handwritten as being slow, pokey, and dull. Old-fashioned, and therefore bad and wrong. Etiquetteer begs to differ - surprise! What handwritten correspondence lacks in immediacy is more than made up for in thoughtfulness and attention. Recipients recognize that something more than just zipping off a text or email has taken place, and appreciate that extra effort has been taken to express emotion and attention to them. This remains especially important for expressions of gratitude, which is why Etiquetteer feels so strongly about Lovely Notes of Thanks - especially from Notoriously Ungrateful Brides.

So let's not jettison all that beautiful stationery just yet! Take the time this month, and every month, to send a few loved ones some special word written in your own hand. It will certainly make a difference, not only to the recipients, but the the general level of Perfect Propriety in the world. Etiquetteer hopes you’ll take the time today.

Celebrating the Tablecloth, Vol. 15, Issue 25

Today Etiquetteer celebrates* the memory of Eleanor of Aquitaine, known to most of us today only by Katharine Hepburn’s award-winning depiction of her in The Lion in Winter. Queen Eleanor, aside from having had an adventurous life, left an enduring mark on Western Civilization by making the use of the tablecloth at meals a standard of Perfect Propriety.

Alison Weir, in her biography Eleanor of Aquitaine: A Life, wrote "The conservative French . . . could not deny that their new Queen was a civilizing influence upon court manners. It was she who insisted upon the boards being laid with tablecloths and napkins, and who commanded the pages to wash their hands before serving at table."

What kind of tablecloth does Etiquetteer recommend for you? Emily Post used to say “We breakfast and dine on damask, but we lunch on lace.” These days, thanks in part to the less formal entertaining and wider latitude in decorating that began after World War II, almost anything goes. Millicent Fenwick offers wonderful suggestions in her Vogue Book of Etiquette, and the celebrated Dorothy Draper includes some very colorful ideas in her book Entertaining Is Fun!  Linen, lace, damask, cotton, embroidery - whatever you choose, be guided by the style of your dining room and the type of entertaining you do most. Damask does remain the most formal of fabrics, and Etiquetteer would reserve it almost exclusively for formal dinners. But there are wonderful coarse linens, embroidered cottons, and other fabrics worthy of your consideration.

Etiquetteer does draw the line at using bedsheets, no matter how brand-new, for tablecloths. Yes, Etiquetteer understands that it’s more convenient, etc., and really does not care about these objections. If you can’t find something the right size for your table, pick out some lovely yard goods and either hem them yourself or get your neighborhood seamstress to do it.**

Apparently there is no prohibition against using placemats on top of tablecloths, although Etiquetteer would strongly recommend against it for a formal dinner. It does rather demonstrate a lack of faith in the table manners of one's guests, although Etiquetteer does know that mistakes happen. Be sure the placemats you use complement your tablecloth.

Sometimes there's a question about what to do when a fresh stain is made on a tablecloth. On such occasions Etiquetteer turns gratefully to Igor in Young Frankenstein, who famously said "Say nothing. Act casual." If it's a drop or two of red wine, pour a little salt on it. Later on, red wine stains can be effectively removed by stretching the stained portion over a bucket, adding a bit more salt, and pouring boiling water onto the stain from a height.

So the next time you spread out your best tablecloth, or your favorite tablecloth, or any tablecloth, take the time to raise a glass to Queen Eleanor. Just don't spill anything.

*Why now? While Queen Eleanor's date of birth has been lost to History, it's known that she died in the month of April.

**Doesn’t every neighborhood have a seamstress? If they don’t, they should.

Etiquetteer Comments on the Calchemise for Men, Vol. 15, Issue 24

Over at Male Pattern Boldness, votes are being taken on what is thought of the new trend from France, the calchemise. Described as "L'extravagance dissumulée" and "vêtement masculin révolutionnaire" by its creators*, the calchemise appears to be a one-piece marriage of a dress shirt and a pair of boxer shorts into a sort of romper or playsuit.

Etiquetteer doubts this is going to take off as a fashion trend in the United States, at least not without a Perfectly Proper pair of trousers on top. The idea of a one-piece playsuit somehow doesn't seem very mature for someone old enough to vote. It does, of course, keep one's shirttail from blossoming over one's trousers and becoming untucked, and that is Very Good and Perfectly Proper. The calchemise does not, however, include a back flap the way a pair of long johns does, as Male Pattern Boldness found out when trying to make a calchemise, and that is Most Inconvenient.

This may come as a shock to you, but Etiquetteer doesn't much care what ladies and gentlemen wear (or don't wear) under their clothes as long as attention isn't brought to the presence (or absence) of those garments. Actually, Etiquetteer was reminded of the late Edward Tanner, better remembered by his pen name Patrick Dennis, who famously wore no underwear at all. He much preferred his own specially-designed and tailored shirts with extra-long tails that he could pull between his legs and fasten in front. In Tanner's biography by Eric Myers, Uncle Mame, a photo of Tanner wearing this novel garment without pants is reproduced in the photo section; Etiquetteer (perhaps fortunately) can't seem to find that photograph on the internet.

What Etiquetteer did find on the internet was the Arrow Shirt Suit, "an ideal garment for athletes, travelers, workers" that differs from the calchemise in having a waistband and button flaps up the sides of each leg. So the idea of the calchemise is not exactly new, although it doesn't seem as though the Arrow Shirt Suit really took off either. Etiquetteer had never heard of it. Had you ever heard of it before reading this column?

The one place Etiquetteer could see the calchemise taking off is at summertime costume parties, preferably at the beach. Don't forget your sunblock. But for daily wear, Etiquetteer is not yet convinced American men will adapt to it.

*Their website is written entirely in French and there appears to be no English translation button. Application of Google Translate offered up some sort of technical glitch Etiquetteer will not pretend to understand.

Applauding the National Anthem, Vol. 15, Issue 23

Dear Etiquetteer:

Having grown up in a military family I learned the proper way to show respect to our flag at a young age. Along with that came the understanding that one should not applaud after the performance of our National Anthem. And yet every time I attend a public event like a sporting competition the audience applauds at the end. Am I remembering this social convention
incorrectly?

Dear Patriotic But Perplexed:

You remember the social convention correctly, but alas, Custom has overtaken Convention in the last 40 years or so. One does not with Perfect Propriety applaud an act of patriotism; the performance of the act is its own reward. But as you observe, at every sporting event now for decades, the singing of the national anthem concludes with the applause of the assembly. And even though it's incorrect, it isn't going to change. This leaves Perfectly Proper sports fans with three options: stand there looking virtuous (and, one hopes, not too much like a spoilsport), dwelling on all that incorrect applause; sacrifice your standards and training and applaud along with your fellow citizens, even though you know it's not Perfectly Proper; or spend more time than usual putting your hat back on (if you're a gentleman; a lady does not remove her hat for the national anthem, unless it's a baseball cap).

Etiquetteer enjoins you from admonishing those nearby not to applaud. The Perfectly Proper have lost this round, and nothing you say will change it.

Etiquetteer can't claim to have studied this phenomenon, but perhaps applause after the national anthem is related to - how shall Etiquetteer say this? - the increase in Vocal Histrionics now almost required to perform the national anthem in stadiums. So often Etiquetteer is tempted to holler "Just sing the song!" But that, too, simply would not be Perfectly Proper.

She Didn't Know What Black Tie Meant, Vol. 15, Issue 22

Dear Etiquetteer:

I was recently invited to a wedding of two southern families. What really struck me, among many oddities, was that the bride's parents sent out the invitations (unbeknownst to the groom and his parents) with "Black Tie Required' on the bottom. The Black Tie request left many guests on the groom's side upset, not owning gowns or tuxes, and therefore many declined the reception invitation, not having anything suitable to wear. When the bride was confronted, she said that she wanted a formal wedding, and admitted she didn't understand what Black Tie necessitated. Should something be said? Should supplementary cards be sent in clarification? Should the bride call all 300 guests and explain?

Dear Fit to Be Black-Tied:

When you have no idea what you’re doing, you deserve what you get, but those unto whom it is done don’t. Really, if Etiquetteer was the groom, Etiquetteer would be rethinking the consequences of marrying someone who wants something formal but has no idea how to achieve it. This is what comes from getting above your station and not knowing your place. It also, at last, shows the limits of Obedience to the Bride Omnipotent. It would be uncharitable to suggest that this was Machiavellian plot on behalf of the Mother of the Bride to cut down on the reception bills.

Two opportunities exist here, one for the bride’s family and one for the groom’s. The bride’s family should immediately communicate with everyone on the guest list to say that they meant “Black Tie Optional.” This is not Etiquetteer’s favorite dress code, but it’s Perfectly Suitable for this crisis. The bride still gets the formal wedding she thinks she wants but doesn’t understand, and everyone in the groom’s family can still wear their dark suits and knee-length dresses and feel correct. As fond as Etiquetteer is of written communications, in the 21st century, this is a job for email and the ubiquitious wedding website.

The groom’s family can reassert the perogative by claiming the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding as an event they are hosting - and to which they can send out invitations without also checking with the bride’s family. Etiquetteer rather hopes they host a hoe-down or a squaredance or something at which everyone should wear denim and drink beer out of the bottle (even though that is most certainly not Perfectly Proper).

You can bet everyone will be watching this bride for further slip-ups, even after the wedding, so Etiquetteer hopes the bride writes each and every Lovely Note of Thanks on the day she receives each gift. She’s going to be paying for this error for quite awhile.

The moral of the story is, knowing what you want isn’t enough. You have to understand it, too. And also, that when planning a wedding, consideration of the guests should come first.

More on the Easter Parade, Vol. 15, Issue 21

Etiquetteer had such a good time at the Easter Parade in New York last Sunday that it's worth a few more observations about the costumes and fashion statements made.

First off, Easter really is a holiday for which black is not Perfectly Proper. Funereal colors are no way to greet the Risen Lord. So Etiquetteer was pleased to see a few Perfectly Proper pink spring coats, although one was being attacked by an Easter basket.

Notice the distinctive veil made of pink ball chains.

Political commentary is best avoided in Best Society, of course, but (here Etiquetteer deprecatingly touches his throat) on the public street one must be ready for anything. Several participants celebrated their Freedom of Speech.

The Trump Puppet, who famously said "And the stone was rolled away. I'm going to use it in my wall."

Then there are some wonderful examples of what Etiquetteer would call Classic Simplicity, to which all of us should aspire in daily life, not just at Easter.

Etiquetteer used this photo in Monday's column on the Easter Parade, but it's such a good example of Classic Simplicity that it was necessary to use it again.

Etiquetteer also observed those who had not forgotten the Reason for the Season.

Most prominent, of course, would be His Eminence the Cardinal, briefly greeting the assembly after Mass at Saint Patrick's.

Quite a few gentlemen presented themselves very well.

Etiquetteer will conclude this joyous review of the Easter Parade with a bold cloche hat. It's as though Louise Brooks had been brought back as an Easter egg, and Etiquetteer just loved it.

Etiquetteer Goes to the Easter Parade, Vol. 15, Issue 20

Every time in the last week or so that Etiquetteer has mentioned attending the Easter Parade on Fifth Avenue in New York, people have asked "Do they really do that?" The true answer is "Yes, but not quite." No traditional parade with floats and marching bands takes place, but then the word "parade" is rather misleading. The original Easter Parade was more a promenade of the New York bon ton in their best clothes for Easter rather than what we think of as a parade.

The Easter Parade today has less to do with a promenading, at least not in an organized, graceful kind of way. It's really more of a block party with no announced dress code or refreshments (well, BYO, Etiquetteer supposes), but the general theme of "Easter" and a predisposition to elaborate headgear based on the lyric "In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it." The Easter Hat Thing has been going on longer than Etiquetteer thought, as The New York Times reports someplace in the 1870s as a start of the custom, and a reporter remarking in 1887 "the bonnets shall not be resurrections, but creations never before seen."

This leads to four categories of dress:

Costumes: Full-on couldn't-be-mistaken-for-street-clothes costumes. Themes Other Than Easter took their place in this category, too.

High Style: Inspired most especially by the fashions of the 1940s and early 1950s, these ladies and gentlemen could walk into church or the Plaza and not look out of place. (And really, more people should be walking into just about anyplace dressed like this.)

Of course the Idiosyncratic Fashionistas have always had their own take on High Style.

The gentleman at right exhibited the best example Etiquetteer saw of a gentleman's Most Formal Daytime Clothes: a gray cutaway.

"Deft and Tasteful Suggestions," to borrow a phrase from the late Ignatius J. Reilly: The use of one, or perhaps at most three, accessories to express a theme. Anyone wearing an overdecorated hat or a a pair of bunny ears with everyday street clothes falls into this category.

Spring Colors: The use of good color without costume elements.

Non-Participants: An absence of Easter flair.

As at any public gathering, there are Problems of Perfect Propriety to dodge. First off, there's no use going if you don't want to be photographed. Almost everyone there was taking photos, and if they weren't, it's because they were too busy being photographed themselves. "And you'll find yourself in the rotogravure" indeed! Be gracious when people ask to take your photograph, and be gracious even when they don't ask. It is most Perfectly Proper ask, though, so be sure you do before snapping away. This often leads to wonderful conversations.

When people ask to take photos with you, acquiesce gracefully.

When people ask to take photos with you, acquiesce gracefully.

Pay compliments! People have clearly gone to some trouble to present themselves at the acme of their desire (whether that be high style, Easter excess, political humor, or classic simplicity), and they'll appreciate your unqualified good feedback.

One of the biggest challenges is photobombing. Accidental photobombing, that is. So many are so very focused on getting that perfect photo that they're unaware of their bodies blocking someone else from getting that perfect photo of something else.

Etiquette is situational awareness. Be aware of where you are and who's around you. Of course, too much of this and you could be paralyzed in the midst of the swirl. Know when you need to get through, and see if you can do so without actually dislodging anyone else. Jostling isunavoidable, but Etiquetteer can report being seriously bumped only once.

So how, you might be asking, did Etiquetteer add some Easter flair to a Perfectly Proper ensemble for the Easter Parade? The application of a beaded boutonniere did the trick:

If you'd like to promenade at the Easter Parade, Etiquetteer encourages you to do so. It's a tremendous amount of fun seeing the variations and themes developed that, at the root, come from the Perfect Propriety of what used to be called "Sunday best." Enjoy!

In Praise of Church Musicians, Vol. 15, Issue 19

Holy Week engulfs most of the Christian world this week, and Etiquetteer would "let us drown an eye, unus'd to flow, for church musicians struggling in the fray." It's no small feat to assemble distinct musical programs for who knows how many services during the week, balancing the needs for liturgical correctness, tradition (congregational, local, and musical), ease of use for volunteer choristers and musicians, pastoral preference, and the condition of the organ. Once the last Alleluia is sung on Easter Sunday, you will contribute to the greater Good Feeling in the world by taking the time to express your gratitude, whether verbally, in writing, or with baked goods.

Church musicians accept a large responsibility in creating a Meaningful Worship Experience, which should not be confused with Entertainment. Etiquetteer doesn't object to leaving a worship service Feeling Good About Oneself, but that outcome should be secondary to a Firmer Resolve to Behave Better. Etiquetteer would remind worshipers - daily, weekly, rare, and annual alike - that musical offerings as part of a church service are offered for the greater Glory of God and not exclusively for enjoyment. If you harbor any dissatisfaction with the program, Etiquetteer would prefer that you direct it to the Almighty Conductor in Whose praise it was offered.

Raising a Controversial Point of View, Vol. 15, Issue 18

Dear Etiquetteer:

While I personally like babies and children and have very strong beliefs they should be loved and cared for, I have long been concerned re: global overpopulation of the human species and I am rarely thrilled when someone procreates. I remember the 1970s and the "Population Bomb.” At that time it was acceptable for people to have these discussions, and it was more socially acceptable for people to openly choose not to have children for themselves and the planet. I can never understand why one doesn't choose to adopt or choose not to have a child at all.

Is there a polite way for me to express my disapprobation, or at the very least to convey my belief we should be working to make fewer people, rather than more?

Dear Disapprobating:

Etiquetteer has thought carefully about how one might raise this issue with new or expectant parents, and has come to the conclusion that any suggestion they shouldn't be having their child would not be received well. Perhaps they could misinterpret it to think that you were suggesting they should end the pregnancy, which Etiquetteer feels sure you don't mean. Etiquetteer is curious to know what reaction you might expect. To use a baker's euphemism, there's no use arguing about the recipe once the bun's in the oven.

At the very least, since you appear knowledgeable about world population issues, you might in a general way share current data or news items. (Certainly things are getting interesting in China since they lifted the One Child Only limit.)

But be careful. One of those expectant parents could take offense and suggest that you yourself assist the problem of overpopulation by eliminating yourself from the population, which Etiquetteer would not like to see.

When You Don't Remember If You Mailed That Lovely Note, Vol. 15, Issue 16

Etiquetteer gets letters, and today's concerns the absentminded delivery (or not) of a Lovely Note:
 

When You Don't Remember If You Mailed That Lovely Note, Vol. 15, Issue 16 from Etiquetteer on Vimeo.

Bodily Functions, Vol. 15, Issue 15

Dear Etiquetteer:

On the fly I ended up having dinner with a couple friends. We were having a good time together and they came back home with me to Netflix and chill. Unfortunately, I began to notice I was feeling a little gassy and upset-stomachy. This led me to make two trips to my only bathroom pretty close together. This was kind of embarrassing to me, since I was the host, also because one of my guests asked if I was OK and I really didn't want to talk about it. How could I have handled feeling unwell as a host?

Dear Unwell:

Etiquetteer applauds your solicitude for your guests, as well as their concern for your well being - although repeated inquiries should have been discouraged. You only needed to excuse yourself with an "Excuse me for a moment." Since this was such a casual occasion, you could have added "Help yourself at the bar/in the kitchen" or "Mi casa es su casa." On return, the problem could be downplayed for guests using neutral words: "Thanks, I just had a bit of indigestion. I'm feeling fine now." (Incidentally, Etiquetteer has to wonder if "nervous indigestion" didn't used to be a euphemism for flatulence.)

But there's no disguising a serious medical issue, and if a host requires medical attention, don't let embarrassment prevent prompt attention. Etiquetteer does remember one embarrassing occasion when, as a host preparing for two guests for cocktails, Etiquetteer broke a martini glass and punctured the palm of his hand with the stem. On arrival, the guests basically took charge and Etiquetteer was whisked off to the emergency room. So much for an Elegant Evening of cold cocktails and hot gossip! But Etiquetteer has always remained grateful for the solicitude and genuine concern of those guests.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I met a friend at a local coffee shop to catch up. Before we could get settled, I excused myself to go to the restroom. They'd run out of paper towels, so I left the restroom with damp hands, which really didn't bother me. When I came out, my friend had run into a friend of his who he wanted to introduce me to. I ended up shaking hands with a damp hand after obviously leaving the restroom. I kept wondering what this guy thought I had on my hands! Should I have avoided shaking hands somehow? What could I have done?

Dear Shaken:

Well, by that time it's far too late to alert the barista that they're out of paper towels in the restroom . . .

In what sounds like a lightning-fast situation, probably the most immediate thing you could have done was to wipe your hands on your pants. (After this experience, Etiquetteer probably thinks you'll consider doing that before leaving the restroom should this occur again, or to start traveling with moist towelettes.)

Etiquetteer has written before about shaking hands and the growing number of people who just refuse to shake hands for sanitary reasons. Situations like this lead Etiquetteer to wondering if we'll ever adopt the Far Eastern custom of bowing, which is both respectful and sanitary.

George Washington's "Rules of Civility," Vol. 15, Issue 14

Tomorrow, February 22, is the birthday of the Father of Our Country. To celebrate, Etiquetteer refreshes some of the maxims he put forward in George Washington's Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation. Etiquetteer made many of these points way back in Volume 11.

Etiquetteer Refreshes George Washington's "Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior" from Etiquetteer on Vimeo.