Dear Etiquetteer:
How would you advise a polite way of intervening when a person is talking non-stop?
A friend and I have been invited to visit a third friend who exhausts people with her nonstop talking. She can keep the one-way conversation going for a half hour or more, and listening to her can be tiring.
Should I raise my hand or clap my hands to get her attention, and then say it has been a long time since the three of us have been together and each of us has news to share.
Please advise. I don’t spend much time with Chatty Cathy, but she has been ill and I want to accept her invitation to visit.
Dear Listener:
The Voluble* have always been with us, and often they are people we care about very much. Sometimes they are very aware of what they’re doing, because they love the attention. But more usually they are just oblivious to subtle social cues — and even to direct statements if they are really engaged on their subject. Let’s consider how to head your Voluble Friend off at the pass.
When you accept the invitation, provide a teaser about your news to intrigue them. “I am so eager to tell you about my trip overseas/family scandal/job promotion when we get together!” This may prepare the ground that, in fact, someone else has something to say. On arrival, start off with your news before your Voluble Friend begins (if that’s possible). Keep it up for five minutes, and then at least you’ll have gotten your news out.
Once your Voluble Friend’s monologue has reached the 15-20 minute stage, and other interjections have not stemmed the flow, try repeating their name over several times until they stop: “Jehu (pause) Jehu (pause) Jehu (pause) Jehu (pause) Jehu (pause) Jehu (pause).” This may or may not include raising your hand. When you’re acknowledged, plea for equal time since your visit is finite. “We can’t stay all that long, and we have our own news that we want to share with you.” As a last resort, you may always rise to leave**. “It’s been a lovely visit, but I know you’ve been unwell and I do want you to recover your strength” may be read in more than one way.
Interestingly, almost the first Bible verse to appear on an internet search for “Bible verses about visiting the sick” was Job 5:21: “You shall be hidden from the lash of the tongue, and shall not fear destruction when it comes.” Use this as a reminder that your visit to this Voluble Friend will eventually come to an end. And visiting the sick is an act of compassion.
Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother used to say “This is an opportunity to practice Patience.” Etiquetteer wishes you strength, patience, and humor as you prepare to call on your Voluble Friend.
*So much nicer than saying “gasbags,” isn’t it?
**At a meal, of course, you are bound to stay through the end of the meal. But a visit needn’t be longer than half an hour.