“20. Be as courageous as you can.”
If etiquette is about how we conduct ourselves in society, how do we conduct ourselves in a society in crisis? Issues like white shoes before Memorial Day and how many forks are needed appear trivial in the face of Larger Forces. But Etiquetteer is not ready to give in to Anarchy and Nihilism — not just yet. We need an etiquette guide for this moment. Thankfully, it was published five years ago, and not a moment too soon: Timothy Snyder’s On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century.
Etiquetteer already included this valuable little volume in a list of Books for Perfect Propriety. Mr. Snyder brings back some bedrock basics we need to be reminded of now. His headings speak for themselves — “Remember professional ethics,” “Believe in truth,” “Make eye contact and small talk,” and “Be calm when the unthinkable arrives.” The latter is so important because the unthinkable has become not just possible, but actual.
When Mr. Snyder says “Contribute to good causes,” he does not just mean financially (more on that later), but personally. “. . . one element of freedom is the choice of associates, and one defense of freedom is the activity of groups to sustain their members. This is why we should engage in activities that are of interest to us, our friends, our families.” Václav Havel’s beer brewing is the example provided. Perfect Propriety in crisis means remaining engaged personally in our communities and networks. The pandemic has made this extraordinarily challenging, but it does remain possible to gather with people over mutual interests.
In this Cultural Moment, all of us are likely to receive appeals from many different sources, institutional and personal. Contribute where you can, but Mr. Snyder’s number 11, “Investigate,” comes into play. He’s referring to journalism, but Etiquetteer endorses doing your own research any time you’re approached with a request for support. Whether it’s a candidate’s positions or the fine print in an organization’s mission statement, you need to be responsible for what you know. You may always decline graciously with “Thanks for this opportunity, but I am already supporting other causes/campaigns” . . . as long as you are actually supporting other causes/campaigns.
Mr. Snyder reminds us to “Be kind to our language” (number 9). “Avoid pronouncing the phrases everyone else does. Think up your own way of speaking, even if only to convey that thing you think everyone is saying.” So much online discourse involves sharing memes and retweets of what other people have expressed or packaged. It’s easy to do — “Oh, I agree with this, so I must share it immediately!” — but when that becomes our first, and then only, response, we deprive our imaginations of the chance to explore our own depths of feeling and opinion, whether raw or nuanced. (It is, of course, possible both to share your own original content and of others; Etiquetteer has seen splendid communicators also retweet other people.) We don’t all have to be eloquent, but wrestling with putting ideas into our own words clarifies what we think.
Rules of etiquette help us blend in, but one of Mr. Snyder’s most important lessons is the opposite, “Stand out” (number 8). This is not exhibitionism, but setting an example. “Remember Rosa Parks. The moment you set an example, the spell of the status quo is broken, and others will follow.” At times this will require courage, just as it did for Mrs. Parks. We will need to be as courageous as we can.