Dear Etiquetteer:
A dear friend who lost her husband last year is now attempting to plan a get together of friends and colleagues for a remembrance. She has two quandaries attempting to plan a gathering while attempting to maintain perfect propriety. No. 1: how to properly announce a gathering with such a somber purpose (by post, telephone, electronic means, etc.). No. 2: how to politely inquire about attendance intent in order to properly plan for seating, food, and beverage, without also creating an expectation or imposition of attendance.
Dear Friend:
The only thing that makes this memorial gathering different from any other party with a meal is its purpose, to remember the deceased. Of course this somber reason makes it feel different. While your friend’s second-guessing is completely normal, she should proceed as for any other party.
All the usual mechanisms for invitations and responses apply. Unless this is to be a very formal event, an email invitation makes sense. Make sure to send it bcc: to prevent an Endless Loop of Reply All Replies; those are especially aggravating to those who can’t attend. Like any other invitation, it should let the guests know what to expect: who, what, when, where, why. They will want to know about directions, parking, what to wear, and what to bring (or not bring). Guests may also have questions about COVID-19 masking and social distancing during this transitional period as restrictions are being lifted.
Including a response deadline doesn’t create an expectation that people have to attend, only that they have to respond. Etiquetteer wouldn’t go any further than including something like “We’re doing this so that those who want to remember [Insert Name of Deceased Here] as a group have an opportunity to come together.”
That said, it would be very awkward to turn away anyone who didn’t respond if they just showed up for a memorial event. And it would be equally awkward if the refreshments ran out. Plan on an extra table (as space allows) for walk-ins, and always order extra food and drink. Gin never goes bad. Etiquetteer has a vague recollection of a passage from the brilliant Brazilian novel Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands by Jorge Amado about what to serve at a wake or funeral. The chapter concluded that you could omit everything, even the coffee (!), but at bare minimum there had to be a sufficient quantity of rum available for the mourners.
While this event is taking place well after the death of the deceased, your friend could still experience a range of emotions. Etiquetteer hopes that she has other family members or friends with her to help in realizing this event. She herself should plan not to lift a finger to do anything but talk to people. They will all want at least five minutes with her, which won’t be possible if she’s supervising a buffet or passing drinks (or managing a caterer or hotel staff).
Joy and sadness commingle on these occasions, when many stories and happy memories of the deceased are released from hearts to be shared. Etiquetteer wishes your friend and her family comfort and solace as they prepare for this meaningful gathering.